Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
I an sat in his study and downed the last of another glass of brandy.
It was not his first of the night, and he doubted it would be his last. He needed something, anything, to erase from his mind the look in Cecilia’s eyes when she had asked him if he loved her.
And, even worse, the look in her eyes when he lied and said no.
Lied! Why would lie about such a thing?
And yet…
He shook his head. No. Even alone, he could not allow himself to consider the possibility.
If anything, he thought, let this be a testament to the danger of bringing any sort of such sentimental feelings into the mix of a relationship. Clearly, it only leads to people getting hurt.
Even as he thought it, something about the idea rang hollow.
There was a knock at the door.
“Come in,” he said quietly.
He could not bear to turn and look, in case it was Cecilia—and yet, there was a part of him that hoped beyond hope that it was her. How strange, to want to see someone so desperately, even when he knew she would have nothing but cutting words for him.
“Good evening, sir.”
Ian held back a sigh that was one part relief and two parts disappointment. “Yes, Barnaby?”
“The duchess has packed her bags and left for London,” the butler informed Ian as he sat by the fire.
Ian stiffened. “Oh?”
Barnaby nodded. “She said she needed to visit her mother.”
“And did the duchess specify when she is hoping to return from this urgent trip?” Ian asked, still staring at the fire.
The butler cleared his throat. “Er, no, my lord,” he said, sounding sheepish.
Ian waved him off. “Thank you for letting me know, Barnaby. That will be all.”
“Yes, sir.”
As Barnaby left, Ian did not stir from his chair. Deep in his gut, something cold and uncomfortable pooled.
Regret.
Guilt.
Something more, which he could not—did not want to—name.
He ignored that feeling, and poured himself another drink, and knocked it back in one go.
The brandy was bitter and comfortless as it slid down his throat.
Fine, he thought. I suppose I will simply have to drink more.
Reaching the London townhouse of her childhood filled Cecilia with a strange combination of feelings. On the one hand, there was the relief of being on familiar territory.
On the other hand, however, she could not deny that her heart longed for her home with Ian.
And, even worse, longed for Ian himself.
Running away from the estate altogether had perhaps been a rash decision. She certainly could not imagine how it would improve things, in the long run—or in the short run, for that matter. For even as she was filled with hatred for him, she missed him, as well.
But, ultimately, a different emotion won out: embarrassment
It was a bitter poison to accept, that she had come to have some sort of feelings for the man. All this time she had known exactly what he was—a remorseless, unrepentant rake—and still she had allowed herself to fall prey to his charms.
I should have known better, she had thought, watching the countryside roll by. I did know better. I had every warning. I have no one to blame but myself.
It put a powerful twist in the pit of her stomach just to think about it. And she could not think of a single thing that would make such an ache go away.
That said, when she walked through the doors and saw her mother in the entrance, relief overwhelmed her. So strong was the wave of emotions that her eyes immediately filled with tears, which welled over as soon as her mother walked towards her.
“Cecilia?” Lady Lindbury asked. She wore a surprised smile as she looked over Cecilia, before pulling her into a tight embrace. “What brings you here so abruptly? Not that I am not happy to see you, child, of course I am—but is everything all right?” Lindbury, after hugging her, peered over her shoulder. “Where is the duke? Did he not come with you?”
As Cecilia shook her head, she could not keep her face from crumpling.
“Cecilia?” Concern etched lines into her mother’s face as she took one alarmed look at her crying daughter, and then immediately pulled her back into her arms. “Come here. Oh, my goodness, what on earth has happened to you?”
“Oh, mother.” Cecilia could not help but weep in her mother’s arms. Though the action made her feel a bit like a child, she could not deny that it made her feel a bit better.
“There, there, Cecilia” her mother murmured, patting her back. “Oh, my sweet girl. What happened?”
“He does not love me, Mama,” she said through her tears. “He does not love me, and he never will.”
“Hush, sweet girl.” Lady Lindbury continued to stroke Cecilia’s hair in an attempt to soothe her. “Whatever argument you are having with the duke, I am certain it will be resolved soon. Come; I’ll have the housekeeper fetch some tea. There is nothing a warm drink and a talk with your mother cannot fix.”
Cecilia finally nodded, weepily. “All right,” she said.
Just as they turned to leave, the doors flew open behind them.
“Mother!” Zachary burst into the door, eyes alight and face flushed. It took Cecilia a moment to realize he had Nancy on his arm, looking similarly enthused. “Oh, Cecilia! I did not realize you would be home, as well.”
“Hello, brother. Nancy.” Cecilia made quick work of blinking back her tears before leaving the hug to face them properly. “It was indeed a rather last-minute trip. I hope I am not intruding.”
“Of course not,” her brother assured her. “This will always be your house. Just because you are a duchess now doesn’t mean you are too high and mighty to stay with our family.” His voice took on a lightly playful tone that almost made Cecilia want to weep more. “Especially now that our family is about to expand by one.”
“Oh?” Lady Lindbury asked, her voice rising up with further interest. She kept one hand on Cecilia’s arm, as though to continue comforting her even as they had to keep their faces composed in company.
“Yes, Celie,” Nancy gushed. “I am so excited you are here to share in our news. The more the merrier.”
Zachary smiled down at her, before turning back to face his mother and sister. He took a deep breath, and then blurted out, “We are engaged to be married!”
“Oh!” Lady Lindbury clapped her hands to her cheeks, immediately overwhelmed with a look of genuine joy. “How wonderful!” She went up to them before Cecilia could even move, embracing Zachary and then Nancy. “Oh, dear Nancy, you have been a part of this home for so long. It is quite perfect that you will now officially be a part of the family. I cannot wait to have you as my daughter.”
“Thank you, my lady,” Nancy said shyly, before looking at Cecilia with a hopeful expression.
Cecilia tried her best to rearrange her face into an expression of appropriate excitement and joy as she approached her friend and brother. She crushed Nancy tightly against her, trying to ignore the deep melancholy that threatened to bring tears to her eyes once more. “I am quite unsurprised,” she whispered to Nancy, trying to conjure up her usual playful tone. “You do realize that, do you not?”
“Well, that makes one of us,” Nancy replied, her happy blush evident in her tone. She pulled back from the hug tentatively. Her eyes crossed Cecilia’s face. “Celie, is everything all right?” she asked.
Cecilia forced an even brighter smile onto her face.
I must not ruin what should be a joyous occasion for Nancy, she thought to herself. She has always been the most wonderful friend. I can do this much for her.
“Better than all right, I should think. How could I be anything but wonderful?” she said, taking Nancy’s hand in hers and encouraging her to admire the ring that newly winked there on her ring finger. “My best friend is going to be my sister in truth.”
“Oh, it is wonderful, isn’t it!” Nancy beamed as they looked down at the ring together. “We are hoping to be married quite soon. Oh, Cecilia, you do realize this means our children will grow up together? Perhaps we shall have two little girls that will be the best of friends, the same as you and me!”
At the mention of children, Cecilia felt her heart dropped straight to her stomach.
“You must pardon me,” she managed to say without her voice breaking from barely held-back tears. “But the travels from the estate were long, and I think I must lay down for a bit. But perhaps we may visit soon while I am in town, Nancy? Perhaps tomorrow? You must tell me all of your engagement, and I wish to be well-rested when you do.”
Nancy nodded, looking only slightly concerned. “Of course, Celie. Do rest up.” She smiled shyly. “After all, we have our whole lives to be family now, do we not?”
Cecilia kept up another smile, and nodded, willing her eyes not to well up with tears. “Of course,” she said.
“I will see you to your room, Cecilia,” her mother said, giving Nancy one last embrace before taking Cecilia’s arm in hers.
Once they had made it to Cecilia’s room, her mother looked at her, holding her at arm’s length. Her eyes shined with compassion and concern.
“You do not wish to seek your friend’s comfort during this time?”
Cecilia shook her head. “I cannot ruin her happiness,” she said. “You mustn’t tell Nancy, Mama, nor Zachary. They have been waiting too long for this moment. Let them celebrate in peace.”
“Very well, darling. Though I am certain they would understand, and would want to support you. Still, I must admit, I am not quite certain that I understand. All seemed well between you and the duke the last we spoke. Things were going so well at the musicale. I assure you, he looked very much in love. What on earth could have changed?”
“It is not what changed, Mama,” Cecilia said, her voice numb. “It is what hasn’t changed. And what will never, apparently, change.”