8. Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight
Jackson
The host led us to our table, and my hand that rested on the small of Robert’s back felt like it was on fire. Through his light shirt, heat radiated from him, and I wanted to sink into it. My croc was cold blooded, and I sometimes had trouble regulating my body temperature. It was one of the reasons I loved summer and laying in our yard, basking in the warmth of the sun.
“Thank you,” Robert murmured softly, after I helped him into his seat and made sure he was comfortable, before taking my own.
“It smells good in here,” I commented, as we both perused the menu of the popular steakhouse Brendan had recommended. “Have you eaten here before? ”
Robert shook his head, “No, I haven’t, but I’ve heard good things. Wyatt and Becks come here a lot on their date nights. I’m usually watching Julianna, and well, I wouldn’t want to be a third wheel. And I don’t really like eating alone in restaurants.”
Smiling over the menu, I liked how his cheeks grew rosy at his rambling answer. “I’m sure they appreciate having you so close.”
Robert shrugged, “Wyatt and I have had a…complicated relationship most of his life. But we’re finding our footing. I’m enjoying being a grandpa, that’s for sure.” He beamed, his eyes sparkling. “I love that little girl beyond words. I wouldn’t be upset if they decided to have another one soon. I keep dropping hints, but Wyatt is pointedly ignoring them.”
Our waiter arrived then, our conversation put on hold while he went over the specials and took our drink orders. Robert just ordered ice water, and I decided on a glass of the house red. Because I was driving I would stick to just one glass. “Would you like a glass of wine, or something stronger?”
He shook his head, “No, thank you. I’m just feeling a bit parched, and warm.” He waved his hand in front of his face. “Honestly, I almost canceled. I thought I might be coming down with something, but then I felt better. ”
Frowning in concern, I worriedly asked how he was feeling now. He seemed fine when I picked him up, and in the car on the drive to the restaurant.
“I’m just a little warm, but I feel okay.” Looking down, he played with the napkin on his lap. “It’s really nothing.”
It felt like there was more to it than that, but our waiter arrived with our drinks and took our orders. Robert gulped half the water down, looking better when he sat the cold glass on the table.
“I know we said we’d wait until the end of the night, but I think you should know that this heat,” he ran a finger down the condensation on the glass, “well, not heat like that , but this hot flash is likely just that. I…” he nibbled at his lower lip once more, something I had noticed him do in the car. The gesture made me want to reach out and smooth the red skin with my thumb. “My doctor has confirmed that I’m beginning the omega change. I’m in the early stages of it, but apparently I’ve decided to skip ahead and have some of the not so fun symptoms.”
His eyes were filled with hesitation, resignation, and just a touch of sadness. Wanting to reassure him that it didn’t matter to me, I took his hand in mine, the heat of his hand warming my slightly colder one. I knew the implication of what he was saying; there would be no children between us even if I convinced him we were meant to be. “You should know that it doesn’t matter to me. ”
At the look of hurt that flashed in his honey colored eyes, my eyes widened when I realized how my words must have sounded. “No! What is happening to you matters to me. I meant that you–us–not being able to have a child doesn’t matter. It’s a non-issue for me.”
“Jackson–” I could hear the disbelief in his voice. Could see it on his face and in his eyes.
Squeezing his hand tightly in mine, I shook my head. “I told you that my hus–” I cut myself off before saying the word husband. Because it somehow didn’t feel right to refer to Levi as such while sitting across from my fated mate. There was a hard battle waging in myself on how to show my deceased mate respect, while also being respectful of my fated mate’s feelings. “That Levi was ten years older than me?”
He nodded but said nothing.
“Aiden was our miracle baby. We had three pregnancy losses before him.” I took a sip of my wine, spinning the glass lightly on the table. “I honestly was done after the third loss. Levi nearly died from complications, and it wasn’t worth it to me. I would rather have no children than lose my mate.” I snorted derisively at that, because in the end I had still lost him. “We both agreed that it just wasn’t meant to be for us.”
“But you have Aiden,” Robert said quietly. He was focused on me, listening to my story intently. Then softly added, “I had a pregnancy loss. Before we had Wyatt. It’s…” he gave my hand a squeeze, “I understand.”
Giving him a small smile, I nodded. “When we found out we were pregnant with Aiden, I was terrified. I think Levi was too, honestly. He was so excited, but sometimes I could see the fear in his eyes, the worry. And he didn’t want to get too excited, in case–”
“In case you lost another.” Robert filled in.
“Yeah. He was so careful the first couple of months, practically putting himself on bedrest. And then we found out…” Swallowing against the raw emotion remembering brought up, I was saved by our waiter bringing our dinners.
Robert sniffed appreciatively, looking down at his steak and sweet potato. “This looks wonderful.”
It really did and smelled even better. Thanking the waiter and assuring him we didn’t need anything else at the moment, we both took a minute to dig into our meal. I was thankful for the reprieve. I hadn’t ever talked to anyone about what Levi and I had experienced before we had Aiden, or the absolute sheer terror both of us had felt when we’d found ourselves unexpectedly expecting. We’d taken what we thought were the necessary precautions, but something had failed somewhere. Levi had been convinced that pregnancy was meant to be .
After a few minutes of us silently enjoying our meal, Robert asked, “Can I ask what happened to Levi? I don’t want to overstep, but…I’m curious, I guess.”
“You can ask me anything, at any time,” I told him softly. “He died of a brain tumor. It was inoperable.”
Robert’s eyes filled with moisture, “Oh Jackson, I’m so sorry. And Aiden is so young.”
“We found out when he was three months pregnant with Aiden,” my voice wobbled a little, but it was important for Robert to know about my mate. “He’d been having these terrible headaches, and the doctors kept telling him it was due to the pregnancy. He wasn’t having morning sickness, at all, but he was getting these headaches almost daily. They figured instead of throwing up, he was having headaches. One day it got so bad I had to take him to the E.R.”
“That’s when they found it?”
Nodding was all I could do for a minute, while the memories I had pushed deep down inside myself came rushing out. “They took blood, part of their routine, and they found some abnormal things. I don’t even remember what, honestly. It was all medical mumbo jumbo, and then they were doing scans, and Levi was worried if anything would hurt the baby, and then…then a different doctor came in, a neurologist, and I just knew. I could see it in her eyes. I knew it was going to be bad. ”
Robert grasped my hand in his, and I took that opportunity to look down. To try to casually swipe at the moisture in my eyes. To catch the teardrops before they fell down my cheeks. How had we gotten here? On this subject, in the middle of our first date, eating at a nice steakhouse? My dating game was seriously off track.
“I’m so sorry, Jackson. I can’t even imagine what you must have felt. What both of you must have felt.”
“There were so many doctors in the room after that, all talking at once, and it was hard to make sense of what our next step should be. Chemo and radiation, then surgery. Or maybe it was the other way around, it was all white noise. Then Levi had asked what about the baby, and they all went silent at once.”
“They wanted to terminate the pregnancy?” Robert guessed, his voice barely above a whisper, and filled with nearly the same anguish I had felt when it had been happening.
“Yeah. They explained there would be no way to sustain it, with what they needed to do. With Levi’s history, and the complications of the last pregnancy, they wanted to control it rather than waiting for his body…to do it.” Even now, it sounded so heartless, so…the doctors had been so clinical when they’d been explaining it to us. I remember wanting to scream, to just have everyone stop talking for one goddamn minute. So I could think, and grab my mate, hold him tight, and never fucking let go of him. “But Levi said no. Just a quiet no. He wasn’t doing it. Not any of it. Not until he delivered our baby. And no one could talk that man out of something when he set his mind to it.”
Levi had been the sweetest omega, but also the most stubborn person I had ever met. After a moment of stunned silence, the medical team had all started talking at once, again, but I had known it didn’t matter what they said to him, how many charts and statistics they tossed at him, that Levi wasn’t going to change his mind on the subject.
“I honestly don’t know what I would have done in that situation,” Robert told me quietly. “I really don’t. I don’t know what choice I would make.”
Putting my fork down, because I didn’t feel much like eating anymore, I sighed. “Yeah. It’s an impossible situation no matter what you choose. So, we did nothing, and this time we had a healthy baby.”
“But you lost Levi.”
Closing my eyes for a moment, I blinked them open, knowing they were glistening as brightly as Robert’s were. “We lost Levi. The tumor was aggressive and while he had grown Aiden, it had grown. By the time we had Aiden, there wasn’t much that could be done. We were told he had maybe three months.”
“Oh Jackson,” Robert’s hand covered his mouth, and this time one of the tears he had been holding back slid down his cheek. Gently, I wiped it away with my finger .
“We lost him when Aiden was six and half months old.” Tightening my jaw until it ached, I refused to cry in the middle of this restaurant. As it was, I was very aware of our waiter hovering in the corner, shooting distressed looks our way. “I’m glad he got that time with Aiden, because nothing made him happier in the world than that baby. But it kills me that Aiden won’t know what a wonderful papa he had.”
“But he will know!” Robert insisted, “Because you’ll tell him. It won’t be the same as having Levi here, but Aiden will know that Levi loved him more than anything.”
He was right, and I knew he was right, but it didn’t stop the pang of hurt that sliced through me.
Taking a deep breath, I swiped at my eyes, then gave a nervous laugh. “Well, this date took a depressing turn and I’m very sorry about that.”
Robert gave me a warm smile, “Don’t be. We said tonight would be about getting to know each other. Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it wasn’t easy. And I want you to know that your sharing with me, well, I appreciate that you did.”
“Okay, your turn now.” Taking another sip of my wine, I said, “Tell me about your ex-wife. What happened?”
Robert smirked and snorted inelegantly. “Oh Goddess, that’s a depressing topic too! Maybe we should stick to the easy get-to-know you questions we talked about. Like…what’s your favorite color? ”
I couldn’t blame the man for not wanting to talk about his ex, especially after I had just unloaded my whole, depressing story, so I mustered up a grin for him. I definitely wanted to get this date back to the fun, flirty mood we had been leaning towards earlier.
“Pink,” I told him, waggling my eyebrows and popping a bite of my tender steak in my mouth. “At least when one very sexy omega wears it.”