Chapter 20 Officially a Wreck
CHAPTER TWENTY
Officially a wreck
Ruby
The instant I saw Noah, everything hit me. Stopping a few feet away, I buried my face in my hands as my body shook with sobs.
In a blink, Noah had pushed away from his car and had me in his arms. They were so achingly familiar. So was the scent of him as I buried my face against his chest.
“Ruby.” His voice sounded shaky. “I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry.”
I wished I could accept his apology and wipe away the past twenty-four hours... but I couldn’t. Even as he held me, I already knew how this conversation would end.
Conscious we were standing out the front of a busy hotel, I pulled back, using the sleeves of Ryker’s hoodie to wipe away my tears. PDA wasn’t my thing, and neither was crying in public.
Noah’s arms loosely fell to his sides, like he wasn’t sure what to do with them. “Are you hungry? I can take you to breakfast... or back to my place.” He cleared his throat, seeming uncertain. “Or we can just drive around. Whatever you want.”
“How far is it to the airport from here?”
“In this traffic, probably thirty minutes.”
“Then you’ve got thirty minutes.”
*
Noah ended up parking in a lookout close to the airport. My flight didn’t take off for another three hours, so I had time to spare.
The silence on the way here had been painstakingly noticeable. Each time he’d glanced my way, I’d had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying.
Last night’s anger had given way to heartache and I was officially a wreck. While I knew dealing with the pain was healthier than numbing it with vodka, now it wasn’t just our relationship that I was mourning, but the future I’d always imagined.
Everything was about to change, starting with my plans for next year.
They’d no longer need to revolve around moving home for Noah’s dental job.
Even though I’d secretly wanted that, I’d never actually pictured my life without him – I had no idea what it looked like, and the idea of figuring it out was terrifying.
Noah parted his lips as he inhaled slowly. He’d done that a few times now, like he was about to say something but kept chickening out.
“Where were you last night?” he eventually said.
“You don’t get to ask that, Noah.”
“Do I get to ask whose hoodie that is?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“If you were with another guy–”
“You’d what?”
“I’d forgive it.”
I scoffed. “I’m sure you would.”
I focused on the runway, my attention following the planes as they taxied away from the terminal. I couldn’t wait for my turn, to board and leave this place behind. I never wanted to set foot in this city again. Noah had well and truly ruined it.
“If that’s where you’re hoping this conversation will go, then you’re wasting your time,” I said.
“Just hear me out, Ruby.”
“Then start talking.”
Noah’s eyes were as dark-rimmed as I imagined mine were. His hair was messier than usual too, and there were creases in his shirt. It didn’t appear like he’d slept a minute last night. I doubt I would have either if I hadn’t passed out.
He sighed. “I don’t know where to start.”
“How about the first time you cheated on me,” I drily suggested.
Every time.
Every girl.
Noah dropped his head, unable to meet my eye. “The first time was Halloween. I was smashed and missing you–”
“Nope.” I forcefully shook my head. “You don’t get to blame any of this on long distance. I’ve missed you every single day for the past four years, and not once did I ever consider letting someone else fill that void.”
“Fine. I was drunk and an attractive girl gave me attention.”
“That simple, huh?”
Noah ignored the jab. “I was a fucking mess the next day. I hated what I’d done.”
“Did you consider telling me?”
“Not for a second,” he admitted, surprising me with his honesty. “It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take when it meant I might lose you, especially because I vowed to never do it again.”
“But you did...”
He slowly nodded. “I did.”
I fidgeted with a loose thread on Ryker’s hoodie.
It smelt like him, his cologne lingering on the soft fleece.
The sleeves were soaked from having wiped away so many tears, but I needed to get them all out now, before I boarded my flight.
I didn’t want to be that girl sobbing and making everyone around her uncomfortable.
“Thanksgiving?” I asked.
Noah shook his head. “Piper from high school was all over me at The Dime. I might’ve – could’ve – but then she asked about you and it snapped me out of it.”
Gee, thanks, Piper. Thanks for thinking to mention me while shamelessly flirting with my boyfriend.
I couldn’t exactly be angry with Scarlett and the girls from Noah’s college, since none of them knew me and likely hadn’t known I existed. But Piper knew me well. So Piper could go and fuck herself.
“How many girls?” I checked.
“Six.”
“And how many times?”
Noah still couldn’t meet my eye. “Does it matter?”
Probably not. There’s only so many times a person can handle a body puncture and not die. The more I pushed for details, the closer I got to a wound I couldn’t come back from.
“What was I doing wrong?” I asked.
Noah finally looked at me. “Nothing, babe.”
“Then why?”
I sounded needy and desperate, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t comprehend why he’d done this. A once-off mistake was one thing, but to repeatedly break my trust was something else.
“You really have no clue why?” he whispered.
“Clearly not.”
Noah’s hands wrapped around the steering wheel, clenching tightly. As I numbly stared at them, I realised two things – they’d been on other women, and they’d never be on me again.
“I’m not your person, Ruby.”
“You’re my only person, Noah.”
The only guy I’d ever been with. And until yesterday, I’d thought I was the only girl he’d been with too. How na?ve to think we shared something sacred. I guess I’d always be his first, only now I was merely number one on his list.
Noah exhaled slowly, letting out the deepest fucking breath I’d ever heard. “Ryker.”
“Come again?” Venom had found its way into my voice. “You fucked other girls because I’m friends with Ryker?”
“No. That’s not it.”
“Then what?’
“You are everything to me, Ruby. My girlfriend. My best friend. But lately, I started noticing I was only one of those things to you.” He shook his head, his Adam’s apple working as he swallowed deeply.
“I know it sounds pathetic, but I wanted to feel important, like I mattered, and I made a mistake trying to get that from someone else.”
I’d spent my whole life defending myself against remarks and assumptions when it came to my friendship with Ryker. I hadn’t expected Noah to pathetically fall for them.
“Think about it,” he went on. “You blew me off on Halloween because you were talking to Ryker.”
“I didn’t mean to–”
“You flew to Philadelphia last minute for his Senior Night, the same weekend my water polo presentations were on.”
A crease formed between my brows. “You never told me about your presentations.”
Noah snorted. “Like you would have come anyway.”
I opened my mouth then closed it. He had me there.
“I’ve been friends with Ryker the entire time we’ve been dating,” I bit, exasperated. “Why is it an issue now?”
“Because we’ve been living apart for four fucking years, Ruby. God, long distance is hard enough. But it’s a thousand times harder when your girlfriend is also doing long distance with another guy.”
Guilt slammed into me. Was he right? There were days I spoke to Ryker more than Noah. I’d done way more trips to Philadelphia than here. I’d taken the time to get to know Ryker’s friends, and yet, as I was just realising, I didn’t even know Noah’s roommate’s name.
“I’ve felt you slipping through my fingers for a while now, Ruby. Then when you decided you didn’t want to move home after graduation...”
He trailed off, rubbing at his temples.
I swallowed my pride. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I did feel bad for going to Ryker’s Senior Night, but it was... wait!” I chewed my lower lip, thinking back to that weekend. “When you called while Bri was driving me to the airport, had you had a girl in your bed that night?”
Noah’s face paled. “Yeah.”
“That was before you knew I was flying to see Ryker.”
“It was, but–”
“You know what, it doesn’t even matter. What matters is you broke my trust. You hurt me in a way I can never forgive.”
I balled my hands into fists, my nails digging into my palms. I wasn’t about to be gaslit into thinking my friendship with Ryker made me partly to blame.
Just because Ryker was a guy, it didn’t give Noah an excuse.
He wouldn’t even try using it as a scapegoat if it was Bri, Jaz or Daisy I lived far from.
“Please, Ruby,” Noah choked. “I can’t lose you. I love you.”
He was so broken, and every part of me ached to comfort him – to help him feel better. Despite everything, what I felt for him hadn’t disappeared – not overnight.
I loved him, but I hated him. I missed him, but I never wanted to see him again. I felt sorry for him, but I didn’t pity him.
I’d never seen Noah cry before, and I wasn’t ready to see it now. So I stared at the car roof instead, knowing that if I looked at him for even a second longer, I’d fall apart.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “It’s over. We won’t ever get past this.”
“Ruby, I–” His voice trembled as a sob escaped. “Not being able to speak to you every day is going to be so hard.”
And now we were both crying.
I didn’t remember a life without Noah. Messaging him, calling him, talking to him... it was second nature. I’d have to fight the instinct to call him after a shift, to ask what he was having for dinner, to talk about my day and hear about his.
The sadness in this car was suffocating. The windows had fogged over, just like in Titanic. Only there was no steamy love making happening, just a snotty and teary breakup.
Throughout high school and college, Noah had always talked so openly about our future, about getting engaged, married, and even starting a family. Why did he have to shatter the life I thought we were about to begin? Why did he have to break something I thought I’d have for a lifetime?
With a sniff, I wiped away my tears before buckling my seat belt. “Can you please drop me off now?”