Chapter 4 Gone Dark #3
Unfortunately, in those days, almost anything was an incentive for a row with Petr. He turned swiftly around, glaring daggers at me. His square chin was flushed with colour.
“Because who needs an hour in the bathroom?!” he spat out.
“What does it matter?”
It was an innocent enough question, but one I knew would irk him to no end because he would not be able to come up with a reasonable answer. Which is why I tried to avoid a further outburst from him by grasping clumsily at another topic, any other topic ...
“Look, I’m sorry that there isn’t more food—”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Petr interrupted me, defiantly.
“Well, just that you are always a bit bad-tempered when you’re hungry,” I replied cautiously.
“I’m bad-tempered because we cannot just keep sitting here waiting for help! Nobody is coming! Nobody’s running this city anymore. Nor this entire country, by the looks of it.”
“You’re probably right,” I agreed, having myself been following that very same train of thought for some time.
“We will have to act. Perhaps try and leave the city. But could you please wait just a couple more days? I don’t think I can go anywhere like this.
” I gestured in the direction of my abdomen.
I was on the strongest day of my period, which was a significant complication considering that I had expected to be back home before its arrival, and as such, brought an insufficient amount of sanitary supplies with me on the holiday.
I was obliged to sacrifice two of my T-shirts to serve as makeshift sanitary pads.
Upon exchanging one for the other, I washed the soiled one thoroughly in cold water and left it to dry before reusing it.
“I want to try and make it back to Prague.”
Petr fixed me with a look that said he was in no mood for discussions.
I felt as if he had knocked the air out of me, my chest aching like in the aftermath of a physical blow.
I looked wildly around the room, almost beseeching the wide-leafed monstera plants and flytraps on the dark tapestry for help.
“I wanted to leave as soon as possible, but I’ll wait for you, of course.
I’ll do my best to keep you safe, protect you with my life if I must—I owe you as much,” he assured me intently, and I felt my throat constrict with unshed tears, knowing that he meant every word.
“I know, I know ... it seems madness. But ... so does anything really, if you think about it. Staying here, hiding in the countryside somewhere, heading further away ... there’s no option right now that looks promising. ”
I had to agree with him on that account. Any course of action that I had myself contemplated bordered on insane.
“At least in Prague ... our families are still there, or what’s left of them. And she is there.”
I took a deep, steadying breath and closed my eyes briefly. I put my hand on the ornate bathroom door handle, tracing the blooms etched into the metal with my thumb.
“I understand,” I told him. “I’m terrified for you. But I think you should go.” I opened my eyes, looking him squarely in the face. “This may be the last chance for any of us to follow our hearts. If yours tells you clearly what to do, then this is no time to ignore it.”
He nodded, his features softening as relief flooded his visage.
“But, darling,” I continued, straightening up, bracing myself, “I won’t be coming with you. There is nothing left for me in Prague.”
The short-lived repose left his face as quickly as it had come, his jaw turning to stone.
“There’s nothing for you here either! At least you have your family in Prague ...”
“You know we’re not in touch—”
He snickered and began pacing around the room. The wooden floor creaked desolately under his thunderous steps.
“Way to hold a grudge!” he scoffed.
“It’s not a matter of a grudge,” I said mildly. “Look, it’s not that difficult. I’m no concern of yours anymore. Don’t let me stop you.”
Petr stopped pacing and ran his fingers through his hair in consternation, his high, balding forehead glistening.
“And just what do you think you’ll do here alone?!” he spat out. “You’re a petite woman! If you meet them, you won’t stand a chance!”
“No one does without a weapon, not even you,” I pointed out. “But I will with a bow. There is an archery shop only a few blocks away. If I could just ...”
He made a sound somewhere between an incredulous laugh and a frustrated moan and started pacing anew to the sound of the floorboards’ protests.
“How would it look if I just left you here to fend for yourself. Huh?”
Petr approached me in a few long strides, his red, contorted face suddenly inches from mine. I suppressed the urge to take a few steps back.
“Who cares?” My composure was ebbing away, anger steadily rising in its stead.
“There’s nobody left to judge you! Tell your family I got ill and turned if you want to.
Tell them we were separated, and there was nothing you could have done.
Whatever! But we’re not doing this anymore!
You won’t force me to come with you just to preserve your image. ”
Somewhat surprised at my outburst, I glanced away at the viciously green lianas and poisonous-looking blooms on the wall.
“What about preserving my good conscience?” Petr asked quietly, his tone morphing into a pleading one.
His shoulders were slumped, his forehead lined with desolation. He took a few steps back.
“How could I live with myself, knowing that I left you here?”
I felt deflated myself, all traces of anger gone, and only extreme fatigue remaining in its place.
“You’re not abandoning me, Petr. I don’t want to go back,” I told him simply. “And I don’t think I ever will. I need to turn over a new leaf, and this is my chance to do it. I insist that you do what your heart commands, but you must let me do the same.”
I could tell he accepted what I was saying at last from the way he exhaled, the sound of it an ocean wave washing off a drawing in the sand. He nodded, eyes glistening, but his mouth set in a straight, unwavering line.
“I’ll see if some of the men wish to come out with me to bring back some food for you all,’ he stated simply. ‘Renata, I—”
Deciding on an impulse, I marched towards him. He looked startled and a bit like he wanted to back away. Not caring, I threw my arms around him and kissed him on the lips for the first time in weeks. And for the last time ever.
The soft, nostalgic light fell on the whitewashed furniture and the uneven pine floorboards. Even the sundews and pitcher plants on the walls looked mild and soothing in its transformative glow.
I used to think I would grow old with this man.
“Goodbye,” I said.
“Goodbye.”
One more kiss on the cheek and he was gone from my life.
A short while later, I could see him walking across the sun-bathed, cobbled street beneath our window with Francois, the black Frenchman and partner of the gorgeous, pregnant Delphine.
I watched them turn the corner and disappear out of sight.
Although he was only supposed to go to the nearest grocery store with Petr and then come back, although it was clear from his care for her that he never would have abandoned Delphine, Francois did not return.