Chapter 23 #3
Self-preservation, if not self-respect, should have compelled me to object.
But there was a dangerously seductive gleam in his gaze, and the upturned corners of his mouth exposed his teeth in a ferocious half-smile.
I suddenly became aware of my blood boiling, of being weak in the knees and swaying deliriously from the way his hands rested firmly on my hips.
Something in their grip was making me acutely aware that with but a small rearrangement of their position, he could push me to the ground and do with me as he saw fit, be it for pleasure or punishment.
He could overpower me, possess me, and I was no longer sure I didn’t want him to, no matter the consequences.
Still, my fear hadn’t fully abated, and my voice trembled slightly as I asked,
“I didn’t expect you to resist just now either. Why did you?”
Taking a step back, he sat down abruptly on the sofa. As he pulled me down with him, my eyes swam momentarily with the vision of being laid across his lap, helpless and exposed, and my very flesh hummed even as I wanted to protest. But he merely seated me on his knee, arms around me.
“You were more frightened than I ever want to see you, Ren. I may be a violent man, but I’m not necessarily a cruel one. Nor am I alibistic when it comes to your desires. I told you already, I’d rather have you trust me than fear me. Especially in a scenario like that.”
His eyebrows arched, his expression patient but slightly exasperated, like that of a teacher explaining the basics of something to a not overly bright pupil.
“What you’re talking about now is not the same thing as I thought you were going to do earlier ...” I protested vaguely.
I readjusted my weight on his lap, and as I did, I became aware of an embarrassing amount of wetness between my legs.
“No. But it is a thing, darling. Admit it, Ren.” He narrowed his eyes at me over the uneven bridge of his nose, and my face caught aflame.
“Now that you’re not so afraid anymore, you want to be a bad girl for me, don’t you?
” His voice acquired the consistency of melting butter, and his face was glossed over with a sheen of excitement, his eyes blazing like flaming coals in the dark.
“It’s alright, babydoll, you can tell me.
Do you want me to bend your bare arse over my knee to paint a few pretty stripes on it with my belt?
Before burying my cock balls-deep inside you from behind, your skin still stinging hot with the consequences of your disobedience? ”
Not trusting myself to keep my cool while attempting a verbal response, I only nodded tentatively, averting my gaze. I heard him inhale sharply through his clenched teeth.
“Good to know. We’re going to have lots of fun that way, you and I. But not today.” Pursing his lips, he hummed briefly with dismissal.
“Why not?” I choked out in a strangled voice.
“I’m too riled up by everything, not in the right headspace.
It’d be too much like raising my hand to you in anger, and I don’t want to do that.
Besides, you need to come up with a safe word first. I’ll insist on you having one,” he spoke over me as I opened my mouth to question the necessity of that.
I swallowed heavily and nodded, deflating as I released a breath I hadn’t been aware of holding. Then, quite abruptly, I felt the threat of tears sting in the corner of my eyes and blinked hard to dispel the sensation.
“Why are you being so kind to me if you’re angry? It’s almost worse than if you yelled at me.”
He sighed, eyes downcast, and the tension from his fingers disappeared as he hugged me closer to him.
“I know to pick my battles,” he spoke softly, his voice a purr above my ear. “You feel responsible for Monika. I know you, Ren. I could yell at you till my voice was hoarse, and yes, I could whip you till both my arms would tire, and it would still achieve nothing.”
I wound my arms around him, my head resting on his shoulder.
“You’re not wrong,” I said, the crashing adrenaline a dropping sensation somewhere in the pit of my stomach. “But I’m still sorry.”
“I know you are.”
I raised my face to his and we kissed. When I pulled away, a little breathless, his face was wet with my tears.
“I’ll only ask one thing of you, don’t do anything rash again.
Talk to me first. So that at least I am there to protect you against Albert’s clan if it comes to it.
And so that I’m prepared with others to drive them out if it becomes unavoidable.
Though I dread to think. You can imagine what the dispute over weapons would probably be like . ..”
He said something else that I didn’t quite hear for the internal explosion that had occurred in my heart.
“You’d split the colony? For me?” I interrupted him incredulously.
He froze mid-sentence, then revealed his straight rows of teeth in a smile that seemed to say “What do you think?”
Noting my sincere astonishment, the muscles in his jaw slackened and the firm lines of his face smoothened out.
His lips parted and softened. He looked younger all of a sudden, boyish and tender.
For a while, I couldn’t decipher the meaning of its transformation until I understood that I saw him be afraid for the first time.
Vulnerable. A mere half an hour ago, I had expected to have to plead with him not to hurt me too much.
It would not have occurred to me that it could go the other way around.
“Yes, I would,” he admitted with quiet sincerity. “Ren, I’d do a lot worse for you than that.”