45. A Shrine to You
A SHRINE TO YOU
ASHER
G hosts weren’t real, and if ghosts weren’t real, Asher couldn’t deny it anymore. He wanted to be wrong. He could still be wrong.
But he knew he wasn’t.
Lev’s one-sided conversations, the intensity in his eyes as he disappeared inside himself, the responses that felt like they were meant for someone else…
All of it made heartbreaking sense, but Lev’s forty was far younger than Lucian’s sixty-two.
Did he know? He seemed lucid enough to at least suspect he was heading down that path. Had Lev been battling this alone? That poor man, trapped in this place, haunted by loss, tormented by the ghosts inside his head.
How long would it take until he was as lost to time as the chapel was?
That couldn’t happen. Asher could no sooner lose Lev, or watch Lev lose himself, than wrench his heart from his chest.
But if Lev had Alzheimer’s, Asher would lose him. He would watch Lev die twice—the slow death of who he was and the death of the body that housed him.
Adrenaline careened through his bloodstream. His pulse sped. But he couldn’t have a panic attack. He needed to be there for Lev.
He thought of Lev as he was now. Only now. Only him. The warmth of his hand, the way his copper hair glittered with the occasional gray hair as they passed each wall sconce.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Lev said. “Where’s your head at?”
The question was casual, but Asher knew better. Lev needed to know they were still okay.
Asher squeezed his hand. “I still can’t believe you collect my work.”
Lev pulled Asher into a tender kiss that relaxed the fist around Asher’s heart, and freed a flock of butterflies instead. When they parted, Lev tucked Asher’s head under his chin. See? Nothing was wrong. Lev was fine. Asher melted into the safety of his arms.
“My love will be with you always,” Lev said into Asher’s hair, punctuating the sentence with a kiss to Asher’s crown. “No matter how far you travel from Lichenmoor.”
“I’m not going anywhere. The only reason I’ll ever leave Lichenmoor is if it’s with you.”
Lichenmoor was Lev’s cage, and Asher would do whatever he could to set him free.
Asher buried his face into Lev’s soft sweater and breathed in the whisper of his cologne. “I can’t lose you.”
“You won’t.”
“I need you,” Asher said instead of calling Lev’s lie.
He clawed at Lev’s clothes, pushed Lev against the wall, and kissed him again.
“What’s gotten into you?” Lev asked, lips pink, face flushed, as he searched Asher’s eyes.
“You, obviously.”
Asher invaded Lev’s space, leading with his tongue, and when their lips collided, Lev’s groan rippled through his blood.
Lev broke the kiss. “You’re not trying to repay me, are you?”
“No.” Asher rolled his eyes and pulled off his hoodie then dove back in for another kiss.
“Not here,” Lev said, voice gruff.
“I can’t wait. Please.” He needed connection.
A groan rumbled through Lev’s chest, hands tightening on Asher’s hips. “I want you in bed. You can be patient for me, can’t you?”
The realization hit him. “Is Silas here?”
Lev’s eyes flashed behind Asher and back to his face. “I… Why would you ask me that? I told you he’s?—”
“Do you see Silas like your father saw Wendell?”
Lev stilled, breath held in his throat.
“You do, don’t you?” Asher’s heart broke. “Silas is here, and he was in your father’s collection earlier. That’s who kept distracting you.”
“Asher… No.”
Tears glazed Asher’s vision. “Tell me the truth.”
Lev’s face crumbled. He thumbed a tear from under Asher’s eyes. He laughed so fucking sadly. “I should have expected this. My perfect protégé, always so observant.”
“I don’t want it to be true,” Asher’s voice broke into a sob.
“Nor do I.” Lev swiped the tears from Asher’s cheeks, tears that Asher feared would never dry. “Baby, please don’t cry.”
The request only made Asher cry more. “Are you sure?”
Lev gripped both of Asher’s shoulders and dipped his head to capture Asher’s tear-filled eyes. “Do you believe in ghosts?”
He’d asked Asher that the first night they met. Had Silas been there?
“No,” Asher answered.
“Me neither.”
Asher sniffed, a seed of hope sprouting through the earth. “Do you know for sure?”
“No.” He held the back of Asher’s head with both hands and kissed his forehead.
“But it runs in my family.” Lev’s shoulders lifted, his beard twitched as he inhaled.
“I never should have invited you here. I never should have asked you to stay. I let you fall in love with me knowing how tragic our end would be.”
“You didn’t let me fall in love. Come the fuck on. Give me some agency. I decide who I love. I decide to stay or go.”
“I could have made you go…”
The hint of a threat was a knife to Asher’s gut. How close had he come to losing his soulmate? Asher had never believed in soulmates, but he did now. Maybe one day he’d believe in ghosts too.
“Are you sure there isn’t a different reason why you’re seeing him? Maybe…” He didn’t want to toss out mental health diagnoses.
“Trust me, I’ve investigated every avenue. A battery of tests and dozens of specialists found nothing wrong with me. I’m not schizophrenic or psychotic. We’ve tried medications and experimental therapies, but nothing can vanquish him . ”
Lev blew a shaking sigh through his lips.
“But you’re so young. It’s not fair.”
“Sometimes I think it’s exactly what I deserve.”
“Because of what you did to Silas?”
Lev’s gaze swayed from Asher to behind him.
Asher’s skin crawled. A shiver shuddered through him. “What’s Silas saying?”
“Hm?” Lev said without looking.
How much time had Lev spent talking to an empty room? Or arguing with the ghost of his guilt? It broke Asher’s fucking heart—Lev alone, and yet never alone because Silas was there.
“Lev?” Asher forced Lev’s gaze back to him, relieved at the sight of lucid bluebonnet eyes.
“Sorry. I try to ignore him, but he can be rather demanding.” Lev pulled Asher’s hands down from his face. “I don’t want to discuss this here. Silas stays out of our wing. I’d rather speak there.” Lev squeezed Asher’s hand and tugged him forward.
Wait. Silas couldn’t go in their wing? How did that work? Was that why Lev had roomed Asher with him? Why not the others? Had Lev worried Silas would hurt Asher specifically? Or was he afraid of what Silas would tell him?
Silence followed them down the hall and up the spiral staircase with arched windows facing the ocean. Beckoned by the wind whipping through the windows, Asher peered out at the fog swept horizon, wrapping his fingers around the cold stone frame.
The water around Lichenmoor had crept closer, slowly swallowing the rocky shoreline. Salt and the sour scent of rotting seaweed filled each deep breath Asher inhaled.
Come , the ocean called to him. Dive into the abyss and I’ll catch you.
“Blakely?” Lev said, drawing Asher away from the ledge.
Asher turned away from the window and kept his eyes on the shallow path time had carved into the limestone stairs the rest of the way.
“He’s gone,” Lev said when they were halfway down the hall to their rooms. “There are only two spaces Silas will not go. Here and the church.”
The church. Lev had asked why they always ended up in the church. Asher had always found it easily, almost as if Lichenmoor had led him away from Silas to a place they could be alone.
“I saw Silas for the first time after my father died. He appeared perched on the arm of a sofa, acting as nonchalant as if he’d never left.
I thought I was dreaming at first, though I seldom ever dreamt of him.
Once I realized I was awake, I reached for him automatically, but he slipped through my fingers. ”
“Are you in love with him?” Asher held his breath, waiting for the answer.
Lev stopped and gripped both of Asher’s shoulders. “I loved him when he was alive, but he isn’t the person he was before he died. He came back… well, wrong.
“Sometimes I almost recognize him, but this version of himself is crueler than I remember. Angry. Then again, he has every right to be. I hurt him, and now he’s trapped here with me. I could hurt you too.”
“You won’t. I feel safe with you.”
Lev scoffed. “You’re delusional if you feel safe here. Lichenmoor is a death trap. I’m a?—”
“It’s not about Lichenmoor. If people were places, you’d be my home. I want to be here with you.”
“You don’t understand what you’re committing to.
Loving me is a curse. I’ll steal your best years and leave you with my worst. I’ll fade until I’m no longer the man you fell in love with.
Until I’m only my emotions. Until I’m a burden.
” Lev buried his face in his hands. “Today is the best day we’ll ever have and every tomorrow will be worse than the day before it. ”
“Then we’ll make the most of every day we have left.”
Lev lifted his head, eyes unguarded and vulnerable. “You still want me, after all of that, after bringing you here under false pretenses, after knowing how selfish I am?”
“You’re not selfish.”
“You’ll be trapped here with me. You’ll grow to resent me. Lichenmoor will become your cage too.”
“Maybe.” Asher leaned his forehead against Lev’s. “But that isn’t now. That isn’t us. Let me take care of you for once.” When was the last time Lev had allowed himself a moment’s reprieve from his guilt? “Drop the past. It’s just us now.”
Lev nodded once. “Only now. Only us.”
They traveled the remaining distance in a blurry whirlwind, shedding their clothes, taking turns pinning the other against the wall, and when they reached their room, neither stopped to close the door.
Asher eased Lev down onto the bed with a palm against the center of his chest.
“My body is a shrine to you, and your bed is my church, and now I’m going to worship you.”