51. Art Will Remember
ART WILL REMEMBER
ASHER
R ain ran in rivulets down Lev’s pale face from the soaked red hair plastered to his head. His eyes were red-rimmed and vacant. Haunted.
Asher rushed down the staircase, and across the foyer.
“What happened? I was so worried.” Asher slammed into Lev’s arms, hugging him.
Lev grunted on impact, but didn’t return the hug.
“Are you okay?” Asher reached for the zipper of his jacket. “You must be freezing.”
“Don’t touch me!” Lev shouted with an acrid venom Asher had never heard before.
Asher flinched, dropping his hands, and took a few stumbling footsteps back. “I’m sorry.”
Lev advanced on him. “What did you do? I swear to fucking God, Si, if you hurt him, I’ll make sure you suffer.”
The realization rippled through Asher and cracked his heart in half.
“Lev, I’m not Silas. I’m Asher.”
Thanks to Ben, Asher had a lot of experience deescalating an angry man, but he had no idea how to deescalate a furious confused one .
Terror took hold. Asher turned and ran toward the staircase. Lev gave chase, but slipped on the wet floor—Asher shouldn’t have looked back to check on him, but he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m not Silas,” Asher tried again, stopping at the top of the landing.
Lev hadn’t slowed and still looked as murderous as he’d threatened. Three more steps and Lev would be on him, but Asher stood his ground.
“I’m Asher, Lev. Asher, and all of the terrible nicknames you’ve given me. Blakely. Dormouse. Pretty American. Your good lad. Asher. It’s only me. Only me.”
Angry suspicion turned wary. “Asher?” Lev blanched down to his freckles. “Oh my God. I thought you were gone. I thought you were him .”
Asher’s heart shattered completely. Was this what fate awaited them? Lev confused and frightened, fighting with a Silas that wasn’t there, thinking he’d lost Asher?
Lev raced up the remaining steps and held Asher’s face in his hands. “Are you alright? I haven’t hurt you, have I? Did someone else hurt you?”
Asher shook his head. “Lev, is Silas here?”
“No, lad.” Lev caressed Asher’s jaw with his thumb. “Only you.”
Asher rested his forehead against Lev’s. “Only us.”
“Only us,” Lev agreed and kissed Asher in a slow burn, lovemaking pace, easing them both down from anxiety and urgency into something safe and unhurried and adoring.
Their kiss continued uninterrupted as Asher unzipped Lev’s coat, and Lev shrugged out of it.
Without words, Asher promised Lev that he’d always love him, even if he became unrecognizable. Even if Lev couldn’t recognize himself. He’d take care of him and keep him safe and kiss away his fear and pain .
“I thought I’d never see you again,” Lev murmured against his lips. “Silas made me think?—”
“Silas lured you out there?”
Lev nodded grimly.
The realization of how close Lev had come to dying tightened a chain around Asher’s chest.
Lev couldn’t die. He was as strong and reliable and eternal as the tide. He was Asher’s hero. He was his everything.
But ghosts weren’t real and the diagnosis Lev faced could have killed him.
“You could have died.” Asher’s voice broke into a tearless sob. “I don’t want you to have Alzheimer’s. I don’t want you to forget me. I don’t want you to die like your father.”
Anguish aged Lev as his brows twisted, and the wrinkles around his eyes curled down.
“Neither of those things will happen for a very long time.” He kissed Asher’s forehead and left his lips there.
“I know how bleak it seems, but I could never forget you. My soul will recognize you and my art will remember.”
“Like with Silas?”
“No, love. Not like that. While I did paint Silas partly to preserve and honor his memory, painting him was a punishment that started with Father. I choose to paint you because I could look at you every day for the rest of my life, dream of you every night, and still never tire of you.”
“I love you,” Asher said and it wasn’t as devastatingly beautiful as what Lev had said, but it must have been good enough because Lev’s arms enveloped him.
“I love you too,” Lev said into his hair. “I do have a question, though. Why did you get out of bed?”
“I heard something, and left to go check…” Asher tensed. “Then I went somewhere I shouldn’t have.”
“To Silas’s room?”
“How did you know?”
“Lichenmoor has a way of spilling secrets. ”
“How unhelpfully cryptic,” Asher said.
Lev laughed. “The door of the passageway was open.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”
Lev waved the apology away. “I’m sorry you saw what you did, especially without me there to explain. Do you understand now why I didn’t want you in there?”
Asher nodded. “Because it’s private and…” He breathed through the stab of jealousy. “It shows how much you love Silas.”
“You’re partially correct. At first, yes. I wanted to protect that secret wound inside of me, but my reasons changed over time. After I fell in love with you, which wasn’t very long after meeting you, I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Asher’s thoughts detoured down a different path. He’d betrayed Lev’s privacy when all Lev had wanted was to protect him. Asher was an asshole. No, he was a terrible person.
“I’m so sorry,” Asher repeated, interrupting Lev’s reverie.
“Baby, please stop apologizing.”
“No. I fucked up and put you in danger. You were terrified and you could have died.” He sucked in a breath and rested his hands on the button of Lev’s pants. “Please let me make it up to you, let me show you how sorry I am. Please.”
Lev grimaced. The rejection stung. Asher had lived with Lev’s praise for so long, and now he no longer deserved it.
“Our relationship is not transactional,” Lev said evenly, but it felt like an admonishment.
“I know. You taught me that. That’s not what I meant.”
“I’m listening,” Lev said with so much sincerity and patience, Asher felt even more unworthy.
“I wasn’t trying to offer payment. I need to make this right with me . Me.” He slapped his hand over his heart. “But that’s only part of it. I almost lost you. One day I will lose you.” Saying it aloud sent his heart rate skittering and pierced holes in his lungs .
“I’m scared, Lev, and I don’t want to be scared. I want to be good.”
Lev’s brows darted together. “Ash…”
“But maybe you don’t want that right now, or maybe you never wanted that and were only doing it for me.
” His chest tightened. “Fuck, if that’s true, I’m so sorry.
I never wanted to pressure you. Forget what I said.
You just came in. You must be exhausted.
And cold. Are you sure you’re not hurt? We should go upstairs. ”
“I’m perfectly fine,” Lev said in a soothing tone that didn’t soothe him at all.
Lev could have died and he would die and he would suffer and…
Lev frowned. Why was he frowning? Was he upset? Asher had forced him to be his dom before, hadn’t he? Asher was no better than Ben.
“Asher, I’m safe. Slow your breathing.” Lev gripped his shoulders. “You’re going to make yourself lightheaded.”
But Asher couldn’t slow down. He couldn’t keep Lev safe. He couldn’t watch him every hour of every day.
A beehive buzzed inside his head. His skin itched. He was going to be sick.
“Inhale slowly,” Lev said from far away like he’d talked down a plastic cup on a string.
Asher tried. He wanted to be good. He inhaled.
“Good. Now breathe out slowly.”
Asher couldn’t. In fact, he’d breathed at least five times before Lev finished his sentence. He inhaled and exhaled faster than his lungs could empty, and hyperventilated until his lips felt fuzzy and his hands turned splotchy.
“I’m not going to die and neither are you. You’re having a panic attack.”
Asher knew it was all in his head. That’s what Ben had said. He could breathe, but his mind was weak. He was weak.
Lev pressed Asher’s palm to the center of his chest. “Try following me.” Lev’s shoulders lifted on a long inhale. “Only now. Only me.”
Asher tried. He tried so hard to breathe.
“It’s okay to be scared.” Lev guided Asher into a seated position with his knees bridged and sat across from him. “I’m scared too, but I feel brave when I’m with you.”
Lev gently parted Asher’s knees and rubbed circles on his back. “Let’s try putting your head between your legs, hm?”
Asher nodded and bowed his head.
“Good lad.”
But Asher was too far gone for a simple good lad to fix.
“You never forced me to do anything,” Lev said. “You were right to suggest submitting to me. Comforting you like that comforted me too, and I think that’s precisely what we both needed.”
When that didn’t work, Lev said, “All panic attacks come to an end. I promise you’ll feel better very soon.”
Asher lifted his head from between his knees. “Mine.” Inhale. “Don’t.” Exhale. “Stop.”
The last time he had an attack this bad, he’d panted for four hours before asking his dad to take him to the emergency room.
His dad was the total grizzled cowboy type who never went to the doctor unless Asher’s mom made him. Meanwhile, Asher needed medical intervention because he was too sensitive, too easily triggered, too broken by Ben.
Asher had no idea how far away the closest hospital to Lichenmoor was, and the roads were flooded anyway. He was surrounded by water and he couldn’t breathe.
“Let’s try something else,” Lev said calmly and cupped his palms together in prayer, opening only enough to place them loosely over Asher’s nose and mouth. “Breathe into my hands as you would a paper bag.”
Asher tried, but Lev’s hands smelled like the saltwater he could have drowned in .
What if the ocean flooded the castle? How could he protect Lev when he couldn’t breathe?
Asher shook his head and batted Lev’s hands away.
Lev clucked his tongue. “I’m so sorry. I hate watching you suffer like this.”
But Lev was the one who would suffer, and Asher couldn’t do anything to stop it. How could he breathe when he knew he would lose him?
Asher inhaled and exhaled and inhaled and exhaled and inhaled and exhaled until he tasted tears as salty as the ocean on his tongue.
When had he started crying?
“Asher Blakely, that is enough.” Lev cut through Asher’s thoughts with a sharp clap of his hands.
Asher paused. Not long. Maybe a second.
“There you are, darling. Tell me what you can see.”
Asher only had time for a one-word answer between breaths. “You.”
“Very good. Anything else? Don’t talk, just think.” He took Asher’s hand and held it to his chest again, breathing slow and steady like waves ebbing.
Ginger lashes. Ocean eyes. Freckles like stars. What else?
“You’re doing so well. What do you smell?”
“Saltwater,” Asher said aloud.
“Let’s skip scent then, shall we?”
Thunder rumbled overhead. Lev narrowed his eyes at the window as if the storm was responsible for the unfortunate timing.
“We don’t need sound either. Tell me what you feel.”
The rise and fall of the palm Lev still held to his chest. Lev’s legs, now bent at the knee, walling Asher in. Lev’s hand rubbing circles on his back.
Lev leaned in and kissed Asher’s cheek, grazing Asher’s skin with his beard. “In case you need more tactile sensations for your list.” Lev kissed Asher’s temple, then forehead. “I’m simply trying to help.”
“Right,” Asher said with a laugh.
“Was that sarcasm and a laugh?” Lev kissed Asher’s lips as gently as if they were butterfly wings. “What do you feel?”
“You. Only you.”
Lev pushed Asher’s hair back from his face. “I’m so proud of you.”
Asher’s first impulse was to reject the compliment, but that was against the rules, so he focused on Lev and breathed.
And breathed.
And breathed.
“I’m so relieved I didn’t have to carry you to the kitchen for a paper bag.” Lev flashed a playful grin that was so charming and contagious, Asher smiled too.
Asher inhaled deeply, then exhaled everything.
“Good lad. Let’s go upstairs and if you still want to play, I’ll gladly take you in hand.”
Warmth spread through him at the suggestion. “Yes, sir.”