19. Just Looking Out for You
Chapter 19
Just Looking Out for You
I n typical Cori fashion, I stick my head in the sand and choose to pretend the events of the last few days never happened. It’s the only way I know how to cope.
Before clocking out, I give the spreadsheets and lists to Mike, who barely glances at them before grunting and disappearing into the office. I try not to let his lack of enthusiasm get me down, as I rush to the frozen strawberry margarita waiting for me.
“Hey, I went ahead and ordered a drink for you. And queso,” Hailey says as I slide into the booth across from her. She takes a bite of a tortilla chip dripping with cheese.
I didn’t have time to go home to change before coming to the restaurant, and still wear my t-shirt with the diner’s logo and jeans, but it isn’t much different than what I normally wear anyway. Despite us being the same clothing size, Hailey’s healthy relationship with her mother is evident in the lace tank top she wears, openly displaying her arms.
“Thanks. It’s been a week.” I take a sip through the straw—a small one, so I won’t get a brain freeze. The frozen tartness shocks my taste buds, like a defibrillator to my mood.
“Why? What’s going on?”
Normally, I filter out most of Sam’s berating comments, but I need to vent. So, I let it all out. Every word he said, every horrible feeling, every time I wanted to cry, but didn’t.
“God, he’s such an ass,” she says when I’m done. She waves to our server to request a second round, the first having disappeared somewhere during my spiel. “Can I please just let loose on him? Give him a piece of my mind?”
I snort. “Are you saying you’ve been holding back on him so far?”
“Are you kidding? I’ve been an angel.”
Lifting an eyebrow, I say, “Sure you have.”
But the moment sobers. “Seriously, though. Are you finally going to leave him now?”
“I’m not going to end my relationship over one disagreement. That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”
“No,” she deadpans. “He’s a pompous ass. Actually, he’s a narcissist. He criticizes your every move, he brushes off your feelings, he belittles you when you do stand up for yourself. I could go on and on.”
That’s a tad extreme. “He doesn’t treat me any differently than everyone else in my life.”
She tilts her head, lines appearing on her forehead as some lightbulb appears to come on. “Is that why you’re with him? Because you think that’s what love is? Because you think you deserve to be treated that way?”
I feel my finger itching to scratch at my wrists. She’s supposed to be my safe place, the one person I don’t have to hide from or lie to. But the walls close in on me.
“You’re anxious around him, always walking on eggshells, jumping when he says to. Just like with your parents,” she says more to herself. “You feel guilty for not being perfect, you feel like a burden anytime you ask for help-”
“Can we change the subject? We came here to let off steam, not make it worse. And you’re kinda making me feel like shit right now.”
Her shoulders deflate. “I’m sorry, I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy. But even happy people need to vent, that’s all this is.”
She watches me, unconvinced but, thankfully, drops it.
* * *
A couple of hours later, we’re buzzed enough that calling for rides home is necessary. I call Sage, but of course, there’s no answer. Not wanting to bother anyone else, I pull up a ride-share app on my phone, but Hailey begins calling someone at the same time.
“Hey, Cori and I are a tad blitzed.” She speaks in a higher voice to sound cute. “Could you maybe come pick us up?”
She tells them where we are and listens for a moment, ignoring me as I mouth, “Who is it? ”
Suddenly, her face straightens and she raises her voice into the phone. “No, please don’t send him.” But I guess it’s too late because she brings the phone away from her ear, groaning.
“Who was that?”
“Well, I called Callum, but I guess he had the phone on speaker and Sam is with him. And Sam said he’d come get us right as Callum hung up.” She clicks Callum’s name again on her phone. When he answers, she says, “Please don’t let Sam come.” But she growls in frustration when Callum informs her Sam already left.
“You’re really not interested in Callum romantically? He’s really cute,” I say.
“No, I like having a platonic relationship with a guy. It’s nice. Plus,” she lowers her voice to a whisper. “I’ve been sworn to secrecy, but he has a crush on someone.” We both giggle like little girls gossiping about who likes who. I guess the only difference is, we’re on a bench outside the restaurant instead of a playground.
“Who is it?”
“Nope.” She zips her lips and locks them with an imaginary key. “Can’t say.”
“Erin?” I get a stone-faced glance. “Not Kenna?” Again, she gives nothing away. Most likely, it’s someone I don’t know anyway.
Sam arrives twenty minutes later, and Hailey scowls at him as we get in his car.
“Take these.” He hands each of us a plastic bag. “I don’t want any vomit in my car.”
“There’s vomit in here already. In the driver's seat. And if you don’t want any more, cover your ugly face, so I don’t hurl from the sight.” I grow uneasy with every word Hailey says, but thankfully, Sam is being a good sport and only shakes his head with an amused smile.
“Good to see you too, Hail.”
“I’ve told you a million times, don’t call me Hail. And what is your problem anyway?”
“Hailey, please stop.” I would have turned in my seat to meet her gaze, but I’m prone to motion sickness. And with nothing but alcohol, sugar, chips, and cheese in my belly, I didn’t want to risk it.
“No, it’s time he got a wake-up call.” She leans forward, putting her hands on the back of his seat and glaring at him through the rearview mirror. “Do you realize how lucky you are to have a woman like Cori? You don’t deserve someone even half the woman she is, yet you go around telling her that her ideas are stupid? And tattling on her to her parents? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Hailey,” I groan, gripping my stomach as if that would help keep the contents inside.
“Is that how you feel, Cori?” Sam asks. I’m losing control of the situation, but I don’t know how to reel it back in. I open my bag and hold it underneath my chin.
“Of course, that’s how she feels. What do you think we spent the last couple of hours talking about? But she’s too nice and considerate of your feelings to say anything because that’s how kind she is. And you’re too blinded by your inflated ego to realize what you’re doing to her.”
His voice is deadly when he asks, “And what am I doing to her, exactly?”
“Killing her soul,” she says, her tone lifting at the end. “Killing what little self-worth she has left. Killing her happiness.”
Sam only nods, slow and terrifying, and I can’t hold it in any longer. I lose control of my strength into the plastic bag.
* * *
W hen we get home after dropping Hailey off, Sam closes the door behind him and leans against it. I can’t wait for him to say anything, though, as the taste in my mouth twists my gut. I walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, then crawl into bed, wishing I could stay forever beneath the comforter. The mattress shifts from Sam’s weight as he sits on the edge, his hands clasped between his knees.
“Can we talk?” I don’t think he’d buy it if I gripped my stomach feigning pain again, so I accept my fate and sit up.
“I’m sorry, she was just drunk.”
“Alcohol has a way of drawing out the truth. And she wasn’t that drunk.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.” My eyes burn and my head throbs.
“And what are you going to say, exactly? As Hailey said, you’re soft. You don’t like hurting feelings. So what good is it going to do if you talk to her?”
I narrow my eyes, partly because I’m confused, partly because they sting from exhaustion. “Then, what exactly would you like me to do?”
“I don’t know, Cori. I’ve tried to be nice to her, I’ve tried to ignore my disdain for her because she’s your friend. But she can’t come between us like that again. Whatever problems you have with me, whatever problems we have together, need to stay between us. You can’t go around complaining about me to other people. I let you move in here because it was the next step in our relationship, but it’s not going to work if someone comes between us.”
The words lash out like a whip across my skin, stealing my breath. I let you move in here.
He stands, unclasping his watch from his wrist. Hands on either side of the dresser, his head hangs between his tense shoulders.
“Are you even happy with me?” His voice is drained, so I’m quick to answer. Quick to end his suffering and ease his mind.
“Of course, I am. You know I am.” Rising from the bed, I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his back. But he brushes me off and turns, a scowl staining his handsome face.
“Would you be honest if you weren’t? You made me look like a fool in front of Nick because you can’t even confide in your boyfriend the details of your little hobby.” I inch backwards, but keep my features stoic; I won’t let Sam see how terrified I am. “Maybe you need some time to think about it. Maybe your moving in here was a mistake. Maybe you weren’t ready.”
Where would I go if he ended things? What would I do? He’s the only thing I’ve done right in my life, according to my parents. I can’t let this relationship fail.
I just want this conversation to be over. I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning with all of this dealt with and put away for good. Thankfully, all the years of bringing Mom back from the edge of an emotional breakdown have prepared me for this moment.
“Sam, I need you to hear me. I’m sorry. I love you. I am happy with you. I’ve given up my apartment for you. I’ve given away most of my things to move in here. If that doesn’t prove that I’m here for the long run, I don’t know how else to tell you. I just felt bad and needed to vent to someone who would understand and not tell me that I was being irrational. Okay?”
He stares at me for a long moment. “I don’t think you should hang out with Hailey anymore. She’s poisoning your brain and turning you against me.”
“She’s my best friend.”
“I’m just looking out for you, Cori. You’re easy to manipulate. I wouldn’t want her doing that to you.” With that, he heads to the bathroom, and I fall into bed shaking.