What Hurts the Most

24. Not Mine to Reach For

Chapter 24

Not Mine to Reach For

C ori and I return to the table because… well, I’m not entirely sure what the hell that was. Cori’s touch burned me to the point of pain, and I found myself leaning in closer to her. Intoxicated by her flowery scent, I forgot for a minute where, and who, we were.

Intoxicated . That’s it, it must be the alcohol. Except I forgot—I haven’t had anything besides water to drink because I’m one of the designated drivers.

It must have been the song. The lyrics were far more romantic than they should have been while dancing with your roommate’s girlfriend.

“My first and last thought every day,

Is the one thing I can’t say,

I love you”

I don’t know what I was thinking. The three of us guys were simply trading dance partners, and it was time for Cori and I to partner up. She seemed to be enjoying herself, now that Sam had disappeared, and I wanted her to realize the impact of the people one surrounds themselves with. It was innocent.

Until it wasn’t.

We sit at the table now, neither of us saying a word, not even looking in each other’s direction. I’ve never wanted a drink more than I do now.

And where the hell is Sam? Did he see us dancing together? Is he mad? Will I have a home to return to after this is over?

I’m usually calm and collected, but my thoughts spiral, the buttons on my shirt tightening around my neck. I tug at the collar and roll my sleeves up. It’s boiling in here. Is this what Cori feels like when she’s anxious? Did she feel the same tension earlier? Is she still feeling it, sitting across from me at the table?

I finally steal a glance at her as she faces the people dancing. The definition of calm, until you look closer. Her knuckles are white from her fisted hands, and her gray, unfocused eyes fixate on a specific point. Her chest rises and falls quickly and… Stop staring at her chest!

Brian comes back to the table and I jump up to hug him. He stiffens, probably because I’ve barely said five words to the guy, and suddenly, I’m latched onto him like he’s my life raft.

After I peel myself off, his eyes narrow. “Are you drunk?”

“No, sorry. Just happy to have you hanging out with us, man.” I slap him on the arm and sit back down, while Cori watches the exchange with an unreadable expression.

I stay at the table as Erin drags Cori back to the dance floor. Kenna has disappeared, but everyone else is still on the dance floor by the time Sam finally reappears.

“Where the hell have you been?”

He slaps a small stack of bills against his hand. “Had a work call, then got pulled into a game of pool. Hustled some guys.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep. I won twenty bucks.” He fans out the one-dollar bills. He was gone for a whole hour. For twenty dollars.

“So, you made a big deal about having to babysit Cori at the table while you missed out on dancing, for what? While she’s been out there most of the night.”

He doesn’t answer, though, because Cori and Erin come bouncing over, laughing until Cori’s face falls when it lands on him. How does she not realize how shitty he makes her feel?

He repeats what he told me before handing her his winnings, then kisses her on the forehead. “You can have it. For school.”

“Uhh, thanks, I guess.”

“Are you having fun?” he asks her.

“Yeah, I am, actually.”

Yeah, ’cause you weren’t around . I excuse myself to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. Shaking my head like a dog, I hope the pieces of my brain will fall back into the right places. Kenna stands against the wall outside the bathroom when I exit.

“What do you want?” I ask.

She twirls her necklace around her finger as she studies my face. Her low-cut tank top might have done some damage at one point, but it sparks nothing in me now.

Finally, she says in a superior tone, “You’re in love with her.”

“What? Who?” I scoff. “I’m not in love with anyone.”

“Yes, you are. I saw you two dancing. It’s a good thing Sam didn’t, because the tension was so hot, my underwear almost melted.”

“You should probably see a doctor about that.”

She smirks. “And you know as well as I do that she and Sam are not compatible. So do us all a favor and tell her how you feel.”

“I’m not in love with her. Even if I was, he’s been my friend since college. I could never make a move on his girlfriend.” Encourage her to leave him for her own happiness? Sure, I can do that. But if she leaves him, it needs to be for herself and no one else.

“Why not? It didn’t stop him.” She pushes off the wall and walks away. Leaving me reeling from her words while the walls of the hallway close in.

It didn’t stop him from what? Was he who she cheated on me with? I take the spot against the wall that Kenna just vacated, ignoring people as they walk past me for the bathroom. I think back to the morning I went over to her house. Sam hadn’t been home that morning before Tyler and Callum left for practice, and he’d been avoiding me for months. Could it have been because he was sleeping with my girlfriend?

Cori walks down the hallway, stopping when she sees me.

“Hey, are you okay?” Her eyes are full of worry at my face leeched of blood as I struggle for breath.

I panic, unsure of what to tell her, and worried Kenna or Sam might find us alone in the hallway. I push off the wall to leave.

“I’m fine,” I say as I pass her.

I find Erin at the bar and sit down on the stool next to her. “Please tell me you have a single friend you’d think would be good for me.”

Her face lights up and she puts her hands together. “Let me think, there’s a fellow cheer coach I know from another school district or a cousin you might like.” She pulls up photos of both women and, while they’re both beautiful, there’s no excitement when I see their faces. “Okay, what about this one? She’s another math teacher at my school.” She turns her face for me to see the brunette with glasses, but again, nothing. “You’re a tough one. But, I think I have the perfect one now.” She shows me the screen one more time.

“Umm… that’s a picture of you.”

“Yep.”

“You want to date me?” I ask, nervously. Don’t get me wrong, I like Erin, but she’s always just been a friend.

“Why not? We’re both looking. I haven’t dated anyone since I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, but I’m ready to get back out there. And we already know each other well.”

Looking back at our table, I see Cori back from the bathroom and sitting beside Sam. She smiles softly as he kisses her forehead, and she leans back against his chest while they watch Tyler and Callum dancing with a group of women.

“You know what? You’re right, why not?”

* * *

I spent the rest of last night and this morning in a fog. After Sam locks up the beach house, Sage and Brian hop into Sam’s car because I’m not ready to leave. Not ready to go back to Sam’s only for him to disappear and leave me alone with Cori. I walk down to the beach, stick my toes in the sand, and pick apart a piece of dried seaweed that had washed ashore.

What happened last night, Cori, and what Kenna said, then the whole Erin thing… there isn’t enough space in my head for it all.

In my periphery, Callum appears a few feet away, but he doesn’t approach. Instead, he crosses his arms and watches me, probably giving me time to think before he comes over to impart his wisdom.

“I thought you left,” I call out.

“No, I was waiting for you to get in your truck.” Finally, he sits down. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay.” He doesn’t push because he knows I’ll open up anyway. And I do, filling him in on everything that happened last night, except the weirdness with Cori.

We sit in contemplative silence until the piece of seaweed is no more.

“Are you going to confront Sam?”

“I don’t know.” What would be the point? Although, now that I’m thinking about it, that bastard had the nerve to suggest Kenna and I get back together at my party, and again at dinner when he announced the stupid article. Which he wouldn’t be featured in if his father was someone normal.

“Has Sam always been so…”

“Conceited with an overestimated sense of superiority and self-importance?” he finishes for me. “Yeah, but it seems to be growing with age.”

“He acted as if he didn’t know she cheated on me. Acted surprised at the news.” He’d said, “Oh, shit. I thought you broke up because you left town without telling anyone.” What a dick.

“As for Erin, you sure you want to go there?”

“I don’t know, but it’s one date, maybe. We haven’t planned anything yet. Might as well see if something more comes of it. I could use the company. And distraction.”

“From Sam? Or something else?”

“I just, I didn’t expect it to still hurt so much. Football, I mean. Coming back here, I thought enough time had passed.”

“You said something yesterday about aviation mechanics. Are you not as excited about that as you let on?”

I grab another piece of dried seaweed and start tearing. “I am, but that seems to be the problem—what if something else happens? Another injury? And I spend all of that money for nothing.”

“Well, if something else happens, you’ll deal with it then. And you’ll be more prepared to handle it because you’ve been through it before. Look, life is always going to throw you around. That’s one of the few things that’s certain.”

“It’s just that I failed at the one thing I knew how to do. I let my mom down, Uncle Jonah. They won’t admit it, but I did. I’m the reason my parents couldn’t go after their dreams, and I took so much from Mom’s youth to go after mine.”

“You didn’t let anyone down. You didn’t fail at anything. This happened to you. It hurts because you had no control over it.” Not true, but I don’t argue.

“Fine, but what if I should go back to college and get a degree, or just stick it out with my current job?” On the way down here, I drove under the “Be Someone” sign in Houston, the famous graffiti above I-45. I want to be someone. I don’t need fame, I don’t need money, but I want to be someone worth all the sacrifices Mom made for me.

He sighs. “Look, I can spew inspirational bullshit all day. But the point is, football is over, and you need to stop whining like a little bitch about whether or not to go to that school. Just do it.” He stands and brushes his pants off. “Problem solved. Now, you’re going to buy me lunch on the way home as a thanks for all the motivation.”

I gawk up at him. “You know, you’re supposed to be the caring one. The gentle giant. But you’re kind of a dick.”

“Yeah, cry me a river. I can only be the wise, soft mother of the group for so long, but even mothers lose their patience. Didn’t your own threaten you with a shoe if you didn’t get off her couch after you lost your scholarship?” He lifts his rubber shoe-covered foot. “Well, this is my shoe. Would you like to get to know it better?”

I extend my hand so that he’ll help me up, but he ignores it and starts walking. “You’re cranky when you’re hungry.” But I see through his tough act. He’s always been intuitive, knowing exactly what we need when we need it. The time for comfort had come and gone. What I need now is a swift kick in the ass.

I stand and rush to catch up to him. “Hey, am I sunburned? My skin feels tight.”

His hand comes down on the back of my neck with a smack, and I cringe at the sting. “Does that answer your question?”

“A verbal answer would have been preferred.”

* * *

A fter burgers with Callum, I stop by my mom’s house. Stop by is a stretch; I had to drive an hour out of the way, but I want to avoid going home as long as possible.

I pull into the gravel driveway and park next to my uncle’s truck, assuming he’s here to help Mom replace the bathroom faucet I never got around to fixing for her. They’ve been friends since they were kids, so it’s just as likely that he’s simply visiting and having coffee.

As I suspected, when I enter the house, they’re not in the living room or kitchen area. I head back to Mom’s bathroom to let them know I’m here and see if he needs any help, tilting my head in confusion at the closed bedroom door. I reach out to turn the knob.

Then I hear a moan.

Jerking back as if I’ve been burned, I’m paralyzed for a second until I hear another moan that sends me into motion. I rush back to the living room and sit on the couch, covering my ears with my hands. The walls of the double-wide are paper thin, but I can’t hear the noises any longer, except for what replays in my head.

Was that what I think it was? I can’t imagine any other reason my mother would be moaning in her bedroom with Uncle Jonah, but my brain won’t accept it. Was it his voice I heard on the phone saying my mom’s name? Surely, they would have told me if they were together.

I stay on the couch, revisiting every strange occurrence. Like when I woke up one morning and Uncle Jonah was here at six a.m. He looked as surprised to see me as I was to see him in mine and Mom’s kitchen wearing nothing but boxers and pouring coffee into a mug. He said, “Uhh, hey, Nick. I… I’m just here to shower. I uhh… my water is turned off.” He was jittery and nervous, but I didn’t see any other reason he’d be there, so I accepted it.

Or the time when I found one of Mom’s shirts at Uncle Jonah’s house. He claimed she must have dropped it when she came to do laundry because her washer was acting up.

I’m not sure how much time passes, and my heart races when I hear Mom’s door open. Their voices carry down the hall, growing louder and louder until they fall silent at the sight of me on the couch with my head in my hands.

“Nick,” Mom says. “Honey, when did you get here?”

“I’m not sure,” I answer without looking up.

“Uhh… I was lookin’ at… uhh… I was helpin’ your Mom...” Uncle Jonah starts.

“He was changing the faucet in my bathroom,” Mom finishes, calm as can be.

“I know what he was doing.” I finally raise my head to look up. They look guilty, cheeks flushed and shoulders caving in. I lock eyes with Uncle Jonah. “Why don’t you have a seat and tell me exactly what the hell is going on.”

He glances at Mom, brows pinched, before looking back at me and taking a seat.

He takes a deep breath and rubs his palms on his jeans. “Well, I love your mom. Always have.”

“And how long has this been going on?”

“Well, you were about twelve, I think.”

Twelve years? I’ll admit, it stings a little. All that time we could have been a family.

But we are a family. Maybe I didn’t know they were together, but we’ve spent every holiday together, every birthday and major milestone. Even at random family dinners with Mom and me, Uncle Jonah was always right there.

“And why didn’t you just tell me?”

“We were goin’ to tell you when you got to your teens, but I don’t know, for some reason we just didn’t. Then, we were goin’ to tell you before you left for college, but we didn’t want you upset and pissed at us right before you left. Then, the injury happened. We’ve kinda just been waitin’ for you to find yourself.”

“And you never considered that it would make me happy?”

He tilts his head. “Does it?”

“Are you kidding? I’m fucking ecstatic!” Allowing the smile I’ve been fighting to spread over my face, I stand and open my arms.

It takes him a second to understand I’m not going to hit him, and he returns my smile and embrace.

Mom furrows her brows. “So, you’re okay with this? Even though we didn’t tell you after all this time?”

“Yeah, I am.” I let go of Uncle Jonah and sit back down. “Truth is, I used to pray that you’d sit me down one day and tell me that Uncle Jonah was my real dad. And now he sort of gets to be my real dad.” I probably shouldn’t have said that, because Mom’s eyes fill with tears.

He looks lovingly at my mom, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and kissing her temple.

I point my finger at him and give him the most threatening look I can muster. “Assuming you don’t break her heart, that is.”

He chuckles. “I waited for her for too long to do a dumb thing like that.”

* * *

I take them both out to dinner to celebrate, letting them know it’s perfectly okay to be as disgustingly sweet with each other as they want. It is weird, seeing them kiss and hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes, but a good weird. Everything has finally fallen into the right place after a long time of being wrong. Then, I make the drive back to Sam’s feeling much lighter than I did during my earlier drive.

Like I thought, it was Uncle Jonah’s voice on the phone. That time when I found him in the kitchen, he had stayed the night but didn’t expect me up so early. And when I found Mom’s shirt at his house, she had spent the weekend with him. I’m just so happy that Mom is happy, that Uncle Jonah is happy, that the muscles in my face are sore from smiling.

My dad knocked up my mom when they were in high school, and was overall miserable with how his life turned out. As a result, he’d go through low periods where he’d fall asleep drunk in a ditch with no clothes on. The next week, he’d clean himself up, bring my mom apology flowers, find a job, and be a dad. But that would only last a few months until something would set him off again. He’d go back to spending every penny he could find on alcohol or lottery tickets, and occasionally disappear for weeks on end. And yet, Mom stuck by him. I still don’t really know why, especially when Uncle Jonah was right there and willing the entire time.

I always wondered why Mom wouldn’t date anyone after Dad left, and why Uncle Jonah never got married. Now I know.

Maybe I should be more upset about the secret being kept for twelve years, but if my instinct is to be happy at the news, I won’t force myself to feel something I don’t.

Until the guilt sets in.

I’m the reason Mom got stuck and still lived inside that double-wide with the stained, peeling wallpaper. I’m the reason they didn’t live together, the reason they waited so long to be together. The reason Mom even married Dad in the first place. My injury and emotional turmoil were the reasons they hid it for even longer.

As the shame seeps into my skin, I find myself wishing I had a vice to reach for and desperate to get home to Cori.

But she’s not mine to reach for.