30. A Good Reason
Chapter 30
A Good Reason
I ’m glad Sam’s okay, but of all the nights for him to have a car accident, he sure picked a good one. Cori finally saw what I’d seen, what Hailey had seen, over the last few months and was ready to start demanding better for herself. Ready to stop wasting her time. But all that progress was thrown out the window because Sam knows how prone Cori is to absorbing all the blame.
After Cori runs off to Sam’s room, my body buzzes with restlessness. I can’t just sit around and wait to see what happens; I want to help her pack her things up in the cardboard boxes she hasn’t thrown out yet because a car accident shouldn’t change her mind. But sitting around waiting to see what will happen is all I can do.
To distract myself, I decide to make the drive to Mom’s to finally have that talk about the house. I stand before my dresser, picking out clothes when I see the folded paper Cori gave me last night sitting next to my wallet. All the t-shirts in my drawer are pretty much the same, so I blindly grab one and pull it over my head before snatching up the poem.
I sit on the edge of my bed and take in each word three times.
Stories Written From Stories Told
New chapters can’t begin
Until old chapters end,
We are made from the ashes of our past.
To allow us to dream on
After the dream is long gone,
The lessons learned build us to last;
To withstand the hell,
Then say farewell
After the winds calm from their rage.
So insert your key,
Push off and flee,
And don’t look back at your cage.
At the bottom, there’s a note: Encouraging words have a nauseating effect if you’re not ready to hear them. But I think you’re ready now.
She’s right about one thing—I’ve heard from others, and myself, how football was just a chapter and that new and exciting things awaited me in the future. But when your dream is yanked away right as you’re about to grasp it, you don’t want inspiration or encouragement to keep going. You want answers. You want justice. You want life to return to you what it took because we all forget how unfair life can be.
Ashes of our past. Well, my dream certainly went up in flames.
Lessons learned. What exactly is the lesson that I learned by having my dream blocked off? To keep going? Again, not what I want to hear.
The only other lesson I learned was how to play football. I learned the rules, to keep my elbows tucked in, to maintain a straight spine.
But that’s not entirely true. I also learned dedication, teamwork, punctuality, leadership, discipline, perseverance. All valuable lessons for any job. Or, life in general, I guess.
The more I think about it during the drive to Mom’s, the more I realize the lessons she might have been referring to. Because football taught me a lot, but Mom taught me more—my dreams are worth fighting for.
Mom never once told me not to do something because it might not work out. And maybe that’s just it. Maybe Mom didn’t waste her money on football equipment or fees, maybe she was investing in her love and support for me. Maybe the lesson is that anything in life can be worth doing, can be worth loving, if only for a single second of joy.
Cori was right when she said that she and I are similar, about neither of us knowing what to do with our lives. But she was also wrong. She had two parents in her home, but there was double the love and support in mine from my mom alone.
So maybe football wasn’t a waste of time; maybe it taught me my worth.
But why did it have to end? Why couldn’t football have been my destiny, or fate, or whatever bullshit word you want to use? To allow us to dream on after the dream is long gone.
Most likely, I’ll never get a clear answer as to why it had to end, but maybe therein lies the explanation I’m looking for—sometimes, shit just doesn’t work out. And if whatever new thing I decide to tackle doesn’t work out either, I’ll survive because I know how to persevere.
Maybe Mom’s love and support taught me something else. Maybe it taught me how to show the love and support for Cori that she doesn’t get from anyone else.
And maybe that love and support will lead Cori somewhere else someday, even if it’s not towards me. Maybe, once she rises from the ashes of her relationship with Sam, her confidence in herself will be an impenetrable force.
That’s all I want for her.
* * *
M om and Uncle Jonah, or whatever I should call him now, sit on a bench on the front porch. As I walk up the sidewalk, an image intrudes of gray-eyed children running up the stairs to visit their grandparents for the weekend. But I shake it out of my head before I can see the face of the woman who holds my hand.
Uncle Jonah has his arm around my mom’s waist and lifts his chin off of her shoulder when I jokingly tell him to get off my Mom. They both stand for hugs and I smile at how happy Mom is. Her skin glows with a brightness that hadn’t been there when they had to hide their relationship from me. But a weight still lingers on her shoulders.
“So, the house,” I ask, sitting on a chair across from them.
“Yes, we need to discuss the house. We also have some news, but first, let's discuss your t-shirt.”
I look down and notice for the first time which one I grabbed from my drawer. “Oh. Oops.”
Uncle Jonah laughs at the words across my chest. “Choking hazard. Package may contain large parts.”
My lips quirk upwards. “Sorry, Mom. It’s actually Sam’s shirt. Must have accidentally got mixed up with my laundry.”
She rolls her eyes, most likely not believing a word I said. But I don’t need to announce to the world how big my dick is because I don’t need to compensate for being one.
“What news do you have?”
Mom waves her hand dismissively. “Oh, we can discuss it later, let’s just enjoy the day.”
“Is it something bad? Is someone sick or something?” My eyes flicker between both of them, but their faces give nothing away.
“No, we just have some news, that’s all. But we can talk about it later.”
“Can you at least tell me if it’s good or bad? Or neutral? Or what it involves?”
Mom shakes her head and smiles at my persistence, but looks at Uncle Jonah before meeting my eyes.
“Okay, fine.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
I choke on nothing. “Pregnant?” I ask. “Who’s the fath-” I look at Uncle Jonah, who grins. “Oh, right.”
There’s pride fighting the guilt on his face, and I would laugh, but my brain struggles to comprehend the words Mom just said.
“You’re not… you know… past the age where you can have a baby?” I ask gently, so as not to offend her.
“No, I’m only forty-one. Which isn’t an ideal age to have a baby, but we’ve already done blood tests and genetic tests and everything, so far, looks great.”
“How far along are you?”
“I’m 22 weeks.” She must see the confusion on my face because she elaborates. “A pregnancy is forty weeks.” My eyes reflexively look at her belly, but her shirt hangs loose on her body.
“At first, she thought she was entering menopause a little early, but…” Jonah pulls a strip of paper out of his pocket and holds it out for me.
I have no idea what the hell I’m looking at in the first few photos, but in the fourth, I finally see the silhouette of a baby.
A perfect, little baby.
“Why didn’t you tell me when you told me about… you know, you two?”
“Because we figured it’d be too much at once. And we were waiting for some test results to come back,” Mom answers, reaching for my hand. “We know this is crazy. It’s a lot, it’s shocking. But it’s not going to change anything. You’ll always be my baby. It’s just… well, now we’ll have a little girl to love.”
I’m not worried about anything changing. I’m worried about how they’ll both be almost sixty by the time this baby goes off to college. Mom had me when she was sixteen, but that was twenty-four years ago. She should be having grandkids soon, not children of her own. And I’ll be almost fifty when this baby is my age.
“Wait. Did you say, girl?” I look from Mom to Uncle Jonah. “It’s a girl?”
They both nod, Mom’s eyes glistening with tears.
Well, shit . Another image appears uninvited, of a tiny little hand holding mine, her curly pigtails bouncing as she walks beside me. She looks up at me with eyes as green as the grass to match Mom’s, and suddenly I want a little sister more than anything. Our family has always been small; Mom doesn’t have any siblings and Dad’s side of the family lives halfway across the country. We may be adding one little person to our family, but I know that little girl will be our whole world.
As for Mom, she’ll be getting the family she always deserved. The one she was always meant to have if I hadn’t gotten in the way and forced her to marry Dad. Maybe my whole existence is a mistake.
Is this what Cori feels like? A glitch the world was forced to find space for? Is this why nothing works out? Not Dad, not football, not school, not moving back and living at Sam’s. Maybe I throw people off their own paths because I was never meant to exist, and the world has to throw me off of mine to correct the holes in destiny.
Here, in front of them, after they’ve shared such wonderful news, is not the time for an existential crisis. They deserve to be happy. I won’t ruin it for them again.
Eventually, Mom rises to find a snack, leaving me alone with Jonah, and my knee bounces as I think of the right words to ask my question.
“Somethin’ wrong?” he asks.
“Um…” Running my hands through my hair, I clear my throat and stretch my back. “How did you do it?”
He cocks his head.
“All those years, when Mom was with Dad. How did you deal with it? Watching her stay married to someone who didn’t deserve her?”
“Well, it… it wasn’t easy. It hurt. I tried to convince her to leave him, but she kept thinking she needed to keep her family together, for your sake.”
God, that hurts.
“Where is this coming from?”
“Nowhere, just curious.” His eyes narrow, and I give it up. I tell him how I’ve fallen for someone else’s girlfriend. How I always seem to want what I can’t have. How I feel helpless and desperate for Cori to wake up and see what I see.
His face remains unreadable throughout my spiel, but he won’t judge me. He’s been in this boat before.
“You know I’m a firm believer that everythin’ happens for a reason. And,”—his face morphs into a sympathetic expression— “that’s kinda the only advice I have for you. You just have to wait and see what happens. And know that if she’s meant to leave him, she will. If you’re meant to be together, you will be. Sorry, I know that doesn’t help much. This is just one of those things where there ain’t any clear answers.”
This isn’t news, but I couldn’t help hoping he had some magical trick up his sleeve. I nod before dropping it, and ask, “So, all those lectures about using protection, and you just forgot to follow the advice yourself?”
Jonah chuckles. “You forget, I’ve been with your Mom for years now without knockin’ her up. At least one out of a million condoms was bound to bust.”
My hands fly up to cover my ears. “Okay, gross. Stop talking.”
* * *
I t was late when we finished dinner and I decided to stay the night. I helped Jonah with his plane some more the next day, avoiding the subject of Cori, and drove home Sunday evening.
The apartment is quiet when I arrive home. Neither Cori nor Sam are in the kitchen or living room, so I grab a bottle of water and head for bed. I use the light filtering from their open door to guide my way down the hall. But as I pass their room, I catch a glimpse of Cori on top of Sam, and I stop in my tracks, quickly pulling myself back out of sight.
They should know by now to close the door when they have sex. But it’s not accidentally seeing something I shouldn’t that has my heart clawing its way out of my chest.
It’s the fact that they’re having sex at all.
Because if they’re having sex, that means Cori has thrown away all plans to leave him.
I don’t think she saw me, her body faced the direction of the door, but her head was down looking at Sam. I lean against the wall and slowly peek around the corner to make sure I can pass without her noticing. But her eyes snap to mine.
And she doesn’t stop.
She keeps moving on top of him. She rides him but her eyes are on me . Her mouth is slightly open, her hands on Sam’s chest to brace herself. Her full breasts, covered by a black bra, bounce in tandem with her movements. And my feet are glued to the floor. I can’t move, can’t pull my eyes away. But I get the impression she doesn’t want me to.
My face heats, my heart beating wildly out of control. I try to swallow, but can’t get my body to do a single thing I demand of it. I have to grab onto the wall for support as my dick threatens to bust out of my jeans.
I wait for Sam to notice her attention on something besides him, but he doesn’t. My eyes break away from Cori’s only to follow Sam’s hand as it trails up her body, over her breasts, inside her bra.
I don’t know what the hell is happening. My brain barely registers the sight in front of me before my hand starts moving toward the bulge straining against my jeans. My breath comes out heavy and fast as Cori quickens her pace. She closes her eyes for a second before they fly back open and land on me. Her ardent gaze caresses my body, and I know every touch she plants on Sam’s chest is meant for me.
I pull my hand away from my pants, disgusted with myself, but I stay put. Pretty confident that I’m helping her orgasm build, I don’t want to ruin it for her. I can’t imagine what a fly on the wall would think of the sight of my head peeking around the corner, watching like a creep, admiring her curves. But what I wouldn’t give to be the one underneath her.
Finally, her eyes roll back in her head for a moment before meeting my gaze again, and we share the moment while her perfect body trembles.
Her release is mine too as I break free from her hypnosis. I walk straight to my room to pack my things. I can’t stay here another minute, not after what I just did. I’ll go back to Mom’s if I have to, and wake up extra early on Monday to get to work.
But I call Callum instead.
“Can I crash on your couch?” I ask once he answers.
“Yeah, is everything okay?”
“No. I’ll be there in a little while.” I hang up before he can ask any more questions. I’ll be able to confide in him without judgment, maybe even get some advice, if there’s any to be given, but it’ll have to wait until I’m out of here.
I quickly stuff everything I’ll need for the next week into a bag, then sneak off to the bathroom to grab my shampoo and crap before heading toward my escape.
I snatch my keys off the table and reach for the doorknob when I hear Cori’s voice behind me. “What are you doing?”
Turning, I find her wearing my sweatshirt of all things, arms crossed over her chest.
“I’m going to stay at Callum’s.”
“Why? Because of what just happened? I’m sorr-”
“Cori, don’t you dare apologize. You did nothing wrong.” I let out a shaky sigh. “There are several reasons why I can’t stay here. One, I’m moving into an apartment next week anyway-”
“What?” The air stills. “When did you find an apartment?”
My eyes fall to the floor. “Friday”
“Were you going to tell me?”
“Yeah. At some point. But everything happened.” Her arms tighten around herself as she shuffles her feet. “I assume you’re going to stay with him.”
She takes long enough to answer that I almost turn around and walk out the door. “Do I have a good reason to leave? Sam has done so much for me, he’s good to me in his own way. You don’t have to see it or understand it.”
“You don’t need a good reason to leave him. If you don’t want to be with him, don’t be.” Is that really what she’s holding out for? A good reason?
Again, she considers her answer. And when she opens her mouth to speak, I ask, “What do you want, Cori? Not what Sam wants, not what your parents want, what do you want?”
“I have what I want.”
Her words sting as the doubt creeps in. Did I imagine everything? Did I push her to her decision Friday night? Maybe she really does love him, maybe I don’t know her as well as I thought. I’m certain I didn’t imagine Sam’s mistreatment of her, but maybe she truly wants to stay with him despite it all. It’s not right, I know that. But if she doesn’t want to leave him, there’s nothing I can do.
“Then, can I have my sweatshirt back?”
“Your what?” She looks down when I point. “This is Sam’s.” Her breathing quickens when I shake my head. “I’ve worn this in front of you a million times. Why didn’t you say anything?”
My eyes pierce hers. “I liked seeing you in it.”
She doesn’t blink. She doesn’t breathe. She doesn’t move. Until she rips the sweatshirt off her body, black, lacy bra gone with nothing replacing it, and throws it at me. “Goodbye, Nick.”
“Cori-” But she’s running down the hall to Sam’s room.
To Sam.