12. Chapter 12
Chapter 12
BERNIE
M y mom paced back and forth in front of me. Hardly any light reached us, leaving silver moonbeams to cast eerie shadows across her face. She paused briefly, spun toward me, and then quickly turned away and continued her marching.
“I asked one thing, that was it,” she muttered without looking at me.
“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry,” I replied quietly.
She shook her head. “Bernie, I love you, but why? What am I supposed to say to everyone at work? Or when I just want to go to town for groceries? Give me one valid reason that would explain why you thought it was smart to get on a horse like that. Everyone knows we moved here from Chicago. Everyone knows that we are not country people, so why the hell would you do that?”
“I mean, I didn’t get bucked off.” I shrugged.
“And that’s supposed to make all of this better? You did something impulsive. Again.” She whipped her gaze toward me and stomped up to me.
“I thought you wanted me to get out. To have a little fun.”
“Not like this!” She threw her hands in the air. “I meant by finding some friends and doing something that won’t land you in the hospital.” Jabbing her finger into my chest, she pulled her lips into a thin line. “Or worse.”
“This is about Duncan.” I gently wrapped my hand around her finger and slid it away from me. With a fluid motion, I pulled her into my frame and simply held my mom. Her body trembled within my embrace.
“I feel so guilty because I’m grateful it wasn’t you. But I also know just how easily it could’ve been you,” she whispered against my chest.
Closing my eyes, I cradled her tighter into me. Little did she know just how much her words seemed stolen directly from my own thoughts. There was nothing I could say to rectify the situation. There was nothing I could do except accept the guilt and reality of the situation. Except I wanted nothing more than to return to the back of that bronc.
For eight seconds, there was nothing but me and that powerful beast.
There had been no anguish. No grief. No pain. There had been no empty silence to sit with my thoughts. Adrenaline and survival were all there had been. And the thought of knowing that if I came off, I would’ve once again failed to protect someone I cared about.
This line I walked was a thin one, a dangerous one, bleeding black and gray. But I’d been unable to find the ability to dismount the train chugging along, taking me closer to where Duncan was waiting .
Almost as if I taunted death. Egged him on to find me, yet somehow escaped the devil’s grasp every time. I’d keep begging, but I wasn’t going to beg for free. I never had.
With a deep sigh, I plunked my chin against my mom’s head and let my gaze wander across the crowd, searching for one person, one specific woman who at least offered me some balance and control in this dance I had going with the devil.
Hair scratched against my chin as my mom shifted slightly away from me. “Why’d you do it?” she asked quietly.
Finally, I locked onto the fiery, short, absolutely delicious woman standing in front of her blonde best friend. Emma danced in a circle, her shriek audible from here, and I furrowed my brows, curious as to what the ruckus was about.
“No, Bernie. Please, no,” my mom hissed, shoving out of my hold entirely.
I glanced back at her. “No, what?” I asked.
She lifted a trembling finger, pointing directly at Kat. “Please tell me it has nothing to do with Kat.”
She whipped back around and slapped both palms against my cheeks, jerking my head toward her. “Anyone but Kat. Please. Tell me it’s her friend, Emma or Ellie, or whatever her name is. Please because Bernie, of all people, it can’t be Kat.”
Tugging my face out of her hold, I leaned away and rubbed a palm over the lingering sting. “What’s going on?” Confusion twisted tight around my heart, and a faint pattering of apprehension .
“Bernie. I love you. You know that. But Kat is… Kat is unofficially spoken for, and if you get yourself mixed up in all of that—”
“Unofficially spoken for? By who? That asshat Wyatt?” I crossed my arms, the confusion and apprehension shoved out by frustration.
“No. By her dad. Well, to Wyatt, but her dad has pretty much sealed the deal between his only daughter and Wyatt. He comes from a wealthy family. He can provide her with stability, and it’s a good connection for her.”
“What are we? In the fucking eighteen-hundreds? I’m pretty sure Kat can choose whoever she wants.”
“And you think she’d choose you? Have you told her everything? Does she know?” My mom sighed and closed her eyes. “Her family will never accept you, Bernie.”
I furrowed my brows and shook my head. “I’m not looking for anything serious, you know that.”
“Exactly!” she exclaimed, her eyes snapping open. “Benjamin, please listen to me. Kat’s dad will make your life a living hell if he were to find out that you simply want some casual fling with her. Plus, there’s the fact that you’re in the military and you’ve had boyfriends and—”
“What the fuck does he have against people in the military?” I asked as adrenaline and anger roared hot through my veins once more.
“It’s just some gossip that I heard,” she muttered, her gaze softening as her hand gently rested against my cheek. “A grudge he’s held for a long time that has nothing to do with you.”
“And what if Kat wants something casual? Why doesn’t she get a say in this?” I asked quietly, suddenly feeling so unlike myself.
So…small.
My mom inhaled deeply. “Is something casual really what you want, or is that what you’ve convinced yourself is all you deserve?”
Strained breaths struggled to fill my lungs as moisture clouded my vision. “That doesn’t matter,” I choked out.
“She makes you forget. Even for a little bit doesn’t she? Everything that happened, all of the pain, all of the grief.” My mom’s soft voice slipped across the air as velvety as the lullabies she used to sing to me as a kid. Songs that I hadn’t heard in a lifetime.
I closed my eyes, grateful that there was nothing but darkness and starlight surrounding us at this moment. And for half a second, I let myself feel everything that I hated. Everything that destroyed me.
For half a second. That was it.
I sniffed, opened my eyes, swallowed down the heavy anguish, and cleared my throat. “I’m fine. Just bored.”
My mom’s hand slipped off my cheek. “Oh, sweetie,” she tenderly whispered. A pained smile barely noticeable graced her face. “At least be upfront and open with Kat. Make sure she’s aware of your intentions. Then, I guess whatever she decides… is her choice.”
“I’ll hurt her, won’t I? Like I always do,” I replied, choking down the understanding of how grave the consequences could be.
“No, honey,” my mom said. “She’s not the one who will get hurt.” And without another word, she turned and left me standing alone, lost in thoughts that I didn’t believe or understood.
Shoving my hands into my pockets, I tipped my head to the sky, once again feeling the darkness rolling into my mind. Silenced and empty, the world around me became nothing. Numb and blank was better than twisted and depraved, anguished and grieving. Feeling nothing, caring about nothing never worked for me, but hiding behind the mask of a hollowed reality did.
Once again, I brought my gaze back to where I’d last seen Kat, only to find both her and her best friend gone. I should’ve known. She wasn’t going to come looking for me. Which was fine. The reality of what I wanted, what I should have known about my own feelings, crashed into me like a hurricane.
But I also knew that it didn’t matter what I truly wanted. And admitting to Kat that I actually desired her, wanted to pursue her seriously, was shoved to the back of my mind. Locked away, never to be opened again because the truth of my life made that impossible.
I accepted settling for nothing more than whatever casual shit she’d let me have.
“Hey.” A hand tapped me on my shoulder, and I spun around, latched onto the wrist, and jerked it toward me.
My eyes widened as Emma crashed into my body.
“Ow,” she hissed and shoved against my chest. “What the fuck?”
“Sorry,” I muttered, quickly releasing my defensive hold on her. “Wait, why are you here?”
“I came looking for you, you idiot, while Kat helps load some steers with her dad.”
I furrowed my brows and put even more space between Emma and me. “Why’d you come looking for me? ”
“Because you’re coming with me next week, and Kat doesn’t need to know. I want to surprise her.”
“Coming with you where? I don’t know you, and I don’t go anywhere with strangers. My mama taught me about stranger danger,” I sassed in response, and she rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, because all one-hundred-thirty pounds of me could take you on, mister military man.” She curled her lips into a teasing sneer.
“How the fuck do you know that?” I asked, fighting the smirk. No wonder Kat liked her.
“Kat told me, obviously. She also mentioned why you call her Kit Kat.” She raised a brow, the annoyance in her face fleeing within a moment.
“Did she finally figure it out?” I let the grin fill my face.
Emma chuckled and smiled. “No, but I did. That girl is confident but absolutely clueless. Anyway, they’ve gotta move the cattle to summer pasture up the mountains next week so they’re gonna ride their horses while pushing the herd and—”
“Hold the fuck up. You’re aware…” I narrowed my gaze, suspiciously. “And you’re cool with Kit Kat and I?”
“Yes, I’m cool with it. Anyway—”
“Nah. We ain’t done. You know I’m in the military and that I don’t want anything serious, and you’re still cool with it?”
“Yes, Bernie. Now, can we talk about what I actually came here to discuss with you?” she asked and crossed her arms over her chest.
I shook my head. “No, not just yet.”
She pursed her lips and sighed. “What else do you need to know?”
“Why?” I answered and smiled at her .
“Because, I have my reasons, and they’re none of your concern right now.”
“Except my mom seems really concerned about it.”
She flipped some hair over her shoulder and took a deep breath. “She’s concerned because of Kat’s dad’s piss-poor opinion about men in the military. But guess what? Kat is her own person, and if she wants to have sex with someone, then she deserves that. Especially considering that Wyatt has pretty much made it so every other possible suitor runs away.”
I grinned and bit down on my bottom lip. “Ah, so I’ve already impressed you because I haven’t let Wyatt win.”
“Or you’re a complete dumbass for not backing off.” She shook her head. “But either way, if Kat wants to, she should have the ability to choose for herself, and I will help and support my best friend.”
“That’s what I fucking said. Small towns are weird as fuck,” I grumbled.
Emma chuckled. “Anyway, back to what I was saying. Cattle drive. You in?”
“Emma, despite my impressive eight-second ride on a damn horse named Popsicle, I regret to inform you, I have no fucking clue how to actually ride a horse,” I replied.
She rolled her eyes and threw an arm around my shoulders. “I’m aware, dummy. Which is why you’ll drive up with me and Kat’s mom and her younger brothers and help set up camp for when the real men ride up with the cattle.”
“Well, fuck you too,” I mocked with a grin. She bumped against me. “But that sounds like a plan. Where should I meet you and when? ”
“I’ll text you the details. Bye, Bernie!” She waved a hand and jogged away.
I chuckled, watching her fading figure.
“Wait,” she called out, pausing, and spun back around.
“What now?” I asked.
She flipped me the bird. “Why ‘Bernie’? Kat said your legal name is Benjamin.”
I grinned, tucking my chin to my chest, and kicked at a rock on the ground.
“You’re not gonna tell me, are you?” she sneered.
Raising my gaze back to hers, I shook my head. “Not today, Emma.”
Not today, because the less she knew, the better. The less Kat knew, the better. No matter what my mom had said, Kat knowing about the life I really lived served no purpose but one of pain.
My stomach knotted at that thought.
I feared that the moment Kat learned more about me, more about why I was really in Arlington, I’d become the villain in her story.
But I was used to that, so what was different about this time?
Something was.
Something I wasn’t ready to accept even if I’d already admitted it to myself.