Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
HARPER
The second we step out of the arena, the air feels too thin to breathe. Connor is chattering beside me, his voice bubbling with excitement, but I can barely hear a word he says.
My hands are shaking so hard I almost drop my car keys.
Harrison.
God, Harrison Meers.
He looked exactly the same and nothing like I remembered. Bigger, broader, older, sure, but still him. Still that same sharp jaw, same steady blue eyes that could melt me and undo me in the same breath.
That icy shade of blue has always been my favorite color.
And when he looked at Connor…
Yeah. I saw it.
That flicker of realization. The exact moment when the math clicked in his head.
He knows.
I know he knows.
“Mom, did you hear? He said I remind him of himself when he was my age!” Connor beams, swinging his stick around like he just scored the winning goal. “Do you think he really meant it?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat and force a smile. “Of course he did, bud. Harrison Meers doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean.”
At least that’s one true statement I can say to my son. Harrison was a lot of things in his younger years. Confident, brave, and even a little egotistical, but dishonest he was not. I always knew I could count on him to tell me the truth and always trusted that he meant every word he said.
Even if they were words I didn’t want to hear.
Connor grins wider, oblivious, pure joy radiating off him in a way that twists my insides into knots.
“Can I wear my jersey on Monday? I want him to see I have his number.”
“Sure thing.” I reach out to smooth his hair, mostly to keep my hand from trembling, and nod toward the parking lot. “Come on, champ. Let’s get you home.”
He skips ahead, humming some pop song under his breath, leaving me trailing behind, a mess of nostalgia and regret.
Every step I take feels heavier.
Cat’s out of the bag now.
He saw us.
He saw him.
He knows.
And in that second, I could see every emotion flicker through Harrison’s eyes. Shock, confusion, maybe a bit of anger, and definitely gut-wrenching heartbreak.
The kind of heartbreak I swore I’d never cause him again.
Fuck.
I press the heel of my hand against my chest, trying to ease the tightness there but it doesn’t help.
It’s been ten years.
Ten years of pretending I made the right choice.
Ten years of telling myself it was better this way. That he didn’t need the distraction, that Connor didn’t need the chaos that came with a professional athlete’s life. That maybe, if I just stayed out of the picture, everyone would be better off.
But seeing him tonight…hearing his voice again, watching him crouch down and smile at my son…our son…
God, it nearly broke me.
Because the truth is, I never stopped loving him.
I justified to myself that I loved him enough to let him go.
To free him of the shackles he would’ve inevitably felt had I told him the truth.
It damn near killed me when he moved away because I loved him so damn much.
I tried so hard to simply stop letting myself think about what I lost, but in reality, I never stopped.
I don’t remember much about the drive home, which is probably for the best. My mind is spinning in circles like I’m skating on top of a warped rink, and the only thing grounding me is the soundtrack of Connor’s excited chatter.
“Mom, I can’t believe you got to meet him too!
Did you see how he smiled at me?” His voice is a constant stream of joy, but all I can do is nod, my thoughts racing back to Harrison, the way he looked, how his eyes softened as they fell on Connor, the way the air felt thick with everything that’s left unsaid between us.
“Yeah, he seemed really nice,” I manage, my voice shaky, like I’m trying to walk on thin ice.
I grip the steering wheel tighter, staring at the road ahead but seeing Harrison’s face in my mind instead.
That adorable, crooked smile. The way he used to lean in close whenever he joked, making me feel like we were the only two people in the world.
Connor is still bubbling with excitement, oblivious to my internal meltdown as he continues to scroll through videos on my phone, showing me clips from the practice that were uploaded to social media.
I try to nod and smile, but my heart isn’t in it.
Every second that passes feels heavier, laden with unspoken words and a history I thought was safely tucked away.
He laughs at something on the screen, his laughter bright and untouched by the shadows hanging over me. “Mom, look! Harrison did this sick move!” he exclaims, reaching the phone toward me from the back seat, eyes wide with wonder.
I manage a half-hearted grin, scanning the screen only briefly when I’m stopped at a traffic light. Sure, it’s impressive, but all I can think about is the way Harrison looked at Connor, like he was seeing the best part of himself in my son’s bright smile.
“Yeah, he’s really good,” I say, my voice betraying the tremor of anxiety that courses through me.
I pull into the parking garage of our building twenty minutes later, my heart still pounding in my chest as I turn off the engine.
The car fades into silence, but Connor’s excitement hangs in the air, a reminder of how easy it is to be a child without adult-sized problems. I can’t help but glance back at him, his face still lit up from practice, oblivious to the emotions swirling inside me.
“Mom, can we watch more videos of Harrison?” he asks, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. I feel a twinge of guilt as I catch sight of his enthusiasm, knowing how much he idolizes the man I once loved so fiercely.
“Sure, buddy, just let me catch my breath first,” I reply, forcing a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.
I open the car door and step out into the night, the cool air a sharp contrast to the heat still radiating from the moment back at the arena.
Every step feels heavy as I walk around to help him out of the car.
We head inside, and I let Connor lead the way, still buzzing with energy. Before I can even open our door, my neighbor, who also serves as my work husband and all-around best friend, opens his, peeking out into the hallway and making eye contact with me.
He doesn’t even have to ask.
He knows not to in front of Connor.
But the conversation happens wordlessly between us and he knows exactly what happened.
“Uncle Toni! Mom got to meet Harrison Meers today!”
Antoni’s eyes grow huge as he feigns surprise for my overexcited son. He swings his door open wide and practically squeals, “Giiirl! She did?”
He closes his door behind him and follows Connor and I into our place.
Why we don’t just knock the walls down and share a place is beyond me.
We’re always together anyway. Antoni and I have worked together for The Next Play Agency for years and when I got the chance to move out here I refused to do so without him.
He’s been my rock since the day I started with the company and has become a bit of a father figure for Connor as well.
Or at least a super fun uncle.
“Yeah! And she met Barrett Cunningham and August Blackstone and well…I mean, she met the whole team! And plus, I told that Mr. Cunningham that I’m still faster than him ‘cause he couldn’t beat me on the ice at practice.”
Antoni offers Connor a fist bump. “Damn straight, little man.”
“Mom, can I watch videos on your iPad? I want to find more of Harrison doing that trick with his stick.”
“Sure, bud. Go ahead. I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready.”
The moment Connor’s out of earshot Antoni dives right in.
“Okay, so spill,” he presses, his eyes sparkling with mischief as he leans against the kitchen counter, arms crossed. The way he watches me, like he’s waiting for a juicy secret to be revealed, makes my heart race.
“It was…unexpected,” I say, trying to keep it vague, but he’s already seen through my half-hearted attempts.
“Unexpected how? Did he turn out to be a total jerk? Did he profess his undying love for you? Did he have a wife with him? Give me details, honey, because I mean, if I were him and I just saw you after ten years, I’d be sweating bullets. If not outright crying.”
He smirks and I laugh lightly, though the sound feels hollow.
“He was everything I remembered and so much more. He had that same goofy smile.” I shrug and shake my head befuddled.
“The way his eyes lit up when he talked to Connor was a bit of a surprise. I don’t remember him being so great with kids, you know?
But then I guess we were basically kids back then, right?
I just…I couldn’t help but think how much he’s grown. How different yet familiar he felt.”
Antoni raises an eyebrow. “Familiar? Or familiar-familiar?”
I bite my lip, the heat of embarrassment creeping up my cheeks. “You know what I mean. Seeing him again was like being thrown back into a memory I buried a long time ago. A memory I thought didn’t hurt anymore.”
Antoni nods, his expression shifting to one of understanding. “Of course it hurts, babe. You literally gave birth and have been raising a memory for the last ten years. That’s got to hurt at least a tiny bit. I’d call you crazy if it didn’t.”
I rub the back of my neck, feeling the weight of everything press down on me. “Yeah. It hurts because it’s still there. The love, the regret…and I swear there was still that electric connection, you know? That familiar sizzle?”
“Mhmm.”
“But now there’s Connor,” I continue, gesturing toward the living room couch. “He’s not our past. He’s my present and my future too.”
“Did he figure it out?” he asks, his voice dropping.
“I don’t know. I mean, he was definitely putting things together. When Connor mentioned being ten, it was like I saw the gears turning in his head. He’s not an idiot. I’m sure if he didn’t figure it out at that moment, he will have by now.”