25. Alana
ALANA
After today’s lectures, I didn’t want to do anything but hide in the confinement of my home and take a deep breath before I had to get through another day of people staring at me and having huge opinions about me.
While I got a bit better at being confident in my own skin over the past weeks, it was still difficult to ignore all those comments all the time. It was draining.
However, I made—in my humble opinion—great progress, so I wasn’t going to give up now.
Eden probably wouldn’t have cared if I told him I no longer wanted his help, had I offered to still help him with baking. After all, it was all he wanted, right? But I wanted to be more confident, and I was starting to realize that being thrown into situations was somehow really helpful.
It still made me anxious, for sure, but the more I went out in clothes that weren’t what I’d normally choose, the easier it got.
I liked my old style, but I’d always longed for something more fashionable.
My only problem was that I couldn’t bring myself to wear whatever I wanted.
I always felt like I was being judged for wearing other clothes. That I had to hide.
And I really liked my new clothes, though I was still wearing my old ones, too. Like on days when I couldn’t even bring myself to fake being confident.
And while wearing something slightly out of my comfort zone and only sometimes feeling way too self-conscious about it might’ve not been an enormous thing, it was huge to me.
Eden barely even paid attention to it anymore anyway, but it didn’t matter because I chose to dress differently these days. He didn’t decide for me.
Anyway, today was one of those days where, suddenly, I felt like hiding. All because of fucking Clara.
Eden must’ve noticed because he spent all day trying to keep my head occupied. And when I asked him to push baking lessons back to another day, because I’d rather be at home, he said we could bake at my place.
We didn’t go to my place though, because his kitchen was bigger, and honestly, when it was just Eden and I, I felt a whole lot better about myself, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
For the past hour, we’d been making cupcakes. All this time we’d been talking about the most random stuff. I’d never laughed as much as I had with him all day.
It was kind of strange.
“Seriously, Eden, how come you have such a big understanding of business?” I asked, genuinely wanting to understand. Anyone who grasped whatever our professor talked about during lectures was a magician to me.
Perhaps I, too, would’ve understood more had I been interested in the subject at all.
Eden dusted off his apron, chuckling. “Ally-Bear, my dad owns like ten restaurants.” He looked up, meeting my gaze.
“Growing up, he was on a lot of phone calls when I was in the room. Or he talked to my mom about them. He took me to his meetings a bunch of times. And I mean, there’s also an important business side to my mom’s job that I constantly heard about.
I simply picked up on a lot of things. If you grow up with business owners around you, I guess you just know.
And it’s easier to understand certain things if you’re surrounded by it. ”
“I guess,” I said, nodding as I carefully poured the last bits of batter into the cupcake liners. “I wish I had that kind of exposure growing up.”
Eden leaned against the counter, watching me work with a small smile on his face. “What do your parents do for a living if you don’t mind me asking?”
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for just a moment. The last time someone asked about my parents had been a while.
“My dad’s working in a bakery,” I told him, but refrained from giving any more details. “My mom’s a coach.”
Please don’t ask what kind of coach.
I couldn’t have possibly told Eden what my mom actually did for a living.
I mean, I could have and I knew he wouldn’t have laughed at me for it, but if he knew, he probably would’ve started to understand my situation a little better.
I already felt like he could read me like a book when it came to my confidence, and I didn’t need to give him more information about me.
Eden hummed softly, but it didn’t sound like he was impressed at all. And why would he have been? My family was nothing compared to his and the way he grew up.
“Like a hockey coach?”
I laughed. “Yes. She’s coaching a hockey team.”
His eyes narrowed at me, a playful smirk still pulling at his lips. “I don’t know about you, Ally-Bear, but I suspect you’re lying to me right now.”
“Withholding the truth.”
“Same thing.”
“I beg to differ.” Actually, I agreed. Withholding the truth might as well be lying. In fact, in some cases, it was even worse.
“I get why business isn’t your strongest suit,” he said, grabbing the now filled cupcake tray.
Somehow, it sounded insulting, but if it was, I was sure Eden hadn’t even drawn that conclusion yet. There was no way he was intentionally trying to insult me or my family. That would’ve been so unlike the Eden I’d gotten to know.
“Do you need to know a lot about business?” he asked.
I nodded again, then shook my head right after. “Probably. I want to be a photographer, so I should know some things.”
“True,” he agreed as he handed me the tray to put the last batch in the oven. “But honestly, you’ll learn as you grow. It’s like sex, you know?”
I froze mid-action, my cheeks flushing bright red. “What do you mean?”
Not once in my life had I heard someone compare business to sex. I didn’t think there was a single way they could’ve been comparable.
“I mean, you can read all the books and articles about it, watch tutorials even, but when it comes down to it, the real learning happens through experience. Trial and error, right? Business is the same thing.” He chuckled.
“You can study it all you want, but until you get out there and start working, you won’t really understand how it works.
The basics, sure, but the real thing? Never. ”
I could’ve replied to the business part of his ramble or changed the subject entirely… yet what came out of me was, “I’ve never actually had sex before.”
“I figured.” He cocked his head at me, smiling softly as I leaned against the kitchen island, dusting myself off of flour. “Do you not want to?”
A sigh drew from my lungs. “I mean, sure… it’s just…
look at me. No guy would want that. I’m not skinny enough for anyone to want a relationship with, and I don’t think I’m the type for something casual.
Or perhaps I am, but… it’s difficult, okay?
While my friends all get flirted with, I stand to the side and sip on a pity drink, Eden.
I’m never the first choice, and I don’t want to be someone’s ‘I settled for that thing.’”
God, I’d never said this aloud. Never thought I would either.
Something about Eden just made me want to open up, which annoyed me more than I could’ve ever described.
“That’s so not true,” he said, his voice laced with disbelief as he crossed his arms over his chest, causing the fabric of his shirt to stretch tightly over the defined muscles. My eyes couldn’t help but follow the movement, tracing the lines of his strong biceps and forearms. “You’re hot, Alana.”
His words caught me off guard, the color on my cheeks deepening as I looked up to meet his gaze. The way he looked at me made my heart skip a beat, and for a moment, I forgot how to breathe.
But he was lying. He must’ve been.
“Yeah, well… not to the majority of guys out there.”
“But that’s a good thing.”
How?
“It’s not. The only guys who are interested in me are the ones who think they can make me go to the gym and change my body for them.
It’s a game to them. Or they straight up fetishize women my size.
” A deep sigh drew from my lungs. “Or I have to settle for someone I’m just not attracted to, which I refuse to do. ”
He nodded in what I assumed was understanding. “I wouldn’t settle for that either.”
“See.”
“But just so you know, I’d totally date you if we weren’t friends.”
I laughed, scooping some of the flour off the counter just to throw it at him. “Don’t even joke about it, that’s cruel!”
“Why?” He walked around me, stepping closer. With every step he neared me, I backed further into the counter until I was physically unable to move any more.
Eden gripped the top of the counter on either side of my body, lowering his head until his lips brushed my ear. “I’d totally fuck you, too, you know?”
“Eden…”
“If you’d let me, I’d sit you on this countertop right now.” His voice was lower than usual, far more seductive. “First, I’d take off your whimsy little shirt, your skirt, and rip your tights. Then I’d kiss you and slowly work my way down to your tits.”
He pressed me just that tiny bit further into the counter. If he pushed me any further, I was sure the granite top was going to hit my bones. “Eden.”
“I’d take off your bra.” One of his arms reached around my body, a finger tracing down my spine until it reached the strap of my bra. “Expose you to me just so I could suck on and play with those nipples of yours.”
“Eden,” I gasped this time, my voice seemingly gone.
“Then I’d move my hand down your perfect body, aiming right for your pus—”
“EDEN!” I shoved at him and he finally stepped away from me.
As he leaned against the counter on the opposite side of me, his arms crossed over his chest again. The only thing he thought to do was cock his head at me. “What?”
“This isn’t funny,” I said. “You can’t just play with a woman’s feelings like that. I tell you something super private and hurtful about my life, and all you think to do is pretend like—”
“Pretend?” His eyebrows rose. “Oh, Alana, there was no pretending.”
“Sure there was. You don’t think I’m… well, good-looking.”
He shook his head, confirming my assumption. I couldn’t say it didn’t sting a little.