Chapter 5
Then
“Pinch me!” I tell Ryan later that evening over FaceTime after Jackson dropped me off.
“Would if I could, babydoll, but considering you’re there and I’m here, I’ll just ask instead. What happened that I need to pinch you?” she asks.
Propping my phone on my nightstand, I roll onto my stomach and hold my hand up and begin counting. “Well, for one, I’m thankfully alive.”
She steeples her hands together and laughs. “Whew, thank the big man upstairs.”
Rolling my eyes, I hold up a second finger. “For two, I had the greatest night of my life.” Now I’m kicking my feet in the air and trying to muffle my squeals so my dad won’t hear.
“Girl, are you on an ice cream high? You literally only called me an hour ago to tell me you were going. Drop the dramatics, it was the greatest hour of your life. Which, props to him for lasting that long.”
I cover my face with my hands, my cheeks flaming red with embarrassment. “Ryan! Oh my goodness! No, that’s not what I meant!”
“Not yet, maybe. So, did he kiss you goodnight? Make out with you a bit? Oh, what kinda car does he drive?”
“An old Ford truck from, like, the seventies or something.”
“Does that mean it has a bench seat? Oh my god, did you sit in the middle? Did he lay you down on it? Did you get to second base?”
Shaking my head somewhat solemnly, I whisper, “We didn’t even kiss.”
“Wait? What? It was the single greatest hour of your life and he didn’t even kiss you?”
I shake my head again.
“Did he try to?”
“No. He did kiss my hand, though.” My tone is somewhat defensive.
“Wait, like, he grabbed your hand and kissed it like some prince kisses a girl’s hand?” Ryan questions.
“No, like he held my hand as he walked me to the house next door because I told him if my dad caught him walking me to my door, it wouldn’t be good. And then just before we got to my driveway, he pulled me into him with our joined hands and kissed the back of my hand.”
Butterflies swarm to life as I remember the coy smile that curved his lips right before he pressed them to my hand.
I’ve got nothing else to compare it to—because what should be shocking to no one, I’ve got zero experience with boys—but it gave me the same rush as singing in front of an arena full of people.
“Oh em gee! That’s big for you, T!”
“I know. And if I’m being honest, I kind of wanted him to kiss me.” I hide my face behind my hand, embarrassed I admitted that out loud.
“Kind of?”
Peeking through my fingers, I see Ryan motion her hand in a circle as if to say come on, out with it. “Okay, I really, really wanted him to kiss me. Maybe I had bad breath or something. He had mint chocolate chip, so I know his breath wasn’t the reason.”
“Maybe he didn’t want to move too fast?”
I scoff in disbelief. “Have you seen him? Of course you did, what am I even talking about? You saw him on FaceTime, and that was him right after a hockey game.”
Ryan nods her head in agreement. “I will say, he is, like, stupid hot.”
See, Ryan knows. I can’t even find it in me to be jealous over her comment because it’s one hundred percent accurate. “Exactly! So I’m sure girls throw themselves at him all the time. It can’t be because he didn’t want to go too fast. He just probably doesn’t like me like that.”
“Wait, did he ask you to get ice cream, or did you ask him to go with you?”
“No, he did after he asked me to wait for him until after his game, but only if he scored.”
“That’s quite the gamble. Did the hockey boy say anything else?”
Twisting a strand of hair, I think about what Jax had shared tonight. “He mentioned I was the only girl who’d ever been in his truck aside from his sister.”
Ryan sits up and slaps her bedding. “Babe, that’s major! And maybe you’ll be the first and last girl he fucks in it too.” She waggles her eyebrows in an exaggerated way that has me rolling over with laughter.
“What the actual heck is going on with you?”
“I’m pent up and doubly so when I think of how lonely you are.”
“I’m not lonely, Ry!”
“Be so for real right now. You’ve never even been kissed. As far as I know, tonight is the first time you’ve held hands with a boy.”
“So? That doesn’t mean I’m lonely. Besides, I’ve got you.”
“You do. For life. But I’m your ride or die, not the one who’s going to get your blood pumping and heart thundering in your chest before you’re kissed for the first time.”
“I still don’t see how that makes me lonely.”
“I’ve just felt it since your mom, Tae. She was practically your whole world, and then in such a short time, she was taken from you.
I’m not saying your hockey boy will become your whole world or be the love of your life, but you genuinely looked like you wanted to say yes to going with him tonight.
And I think that’s a really freaking big deal. ”
Pursing my lips, I mull her rationale over in my mind before admitting, “It is. But as much as I think he’s cute and wildly talented being able to balance on tiny blades, I don’t think I’m wrong in saying I don’t think he’s into me that way.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but if he met you for the first time at church, and he knows you’re the pastor’s daughter, you’re probably giving off virgin vibes. I think he’s into you and he’s just respecting you by going at your pace.”
Shaking my head at her foolishness, I mumble, “Gosh, I don’t even know why I care in the first place. It’s not a good idea to get involved with someone so close to graduation. You and I have said it from the start: when September comes, we’re leaving this town for good and never looking back.”
Ryan knows better than anyone my need to escape from this town.
Since my mom’s death, my dad has become even more overbearing and strict.
He tries to control my every waking hour, and I’ve grown tired of trying to maintain my perfect persona around him.
I’m a teenage girl who should be trying new things, testing the boundaries, and making mistakes.
It’s not like I want to go out and try drugs, for goodness’ sake.
But it also wouldn’t kill me to talk to a cute boy and get ice cream with him—tonight being the perfect example.
Here I am, still alive and well in my room after doing just that with Jackson.
“So don’t make it something bigger than it needs to be with him. Keep things casual, start slow, and see where things go,” Ryan suggests.
“Casual?” I chuckle as I roll back onto my stomach. “You say that as if I have any experience interacting with boys whatsoever. How exactly am I supposed to keep things casual?”
“I don’t know. Tell him you’re looking for someone to help you check off your Tae’s things to do before college list. There are so many things on there I can’t possibly help you with.”
My brows wrinkle in confusion. “The only one on there you actually couldn’t help with was going on a ferris wheel ride, though I think it’d help you get over your fear of heights like I’m planning to do.”
“Yeah, about that. So, if you look at your journal, I may have added a few things to the list on your behalf. I felt like it was my duty as your best friend to push you outside your comfort zone.”
“Ryan . . .” I draw out her name as I hesitantly open my bedside drawer and lift the bottom to grab my journal from the hidden compartment I’m fairly certain my dad has no idea exists.
Shuffling through the pages, I find my list.
Tae’s things to do before college:
Go on a ferris wheel ride
Go to senior prom
Get my driver’s license
Sing solo in front of a crowd
Perform at a venue
“See, I’m just fine, I already checked off number four on my own tonight. I sang the national anthem in front of a crowd.”
“I feel like that only half counts. It should be one of your original songs. Make that an addendum for number five.”
However, now as I scan the rest of the list, I notice it has in fact been added to with five new items written in my best friend’s signature, all-caps handwriting.
TAE’S THINGS TO DO BEFORE COLLEGE (RY’S VERSION):
LEARN TO PLAY GUITAR
SNEAK OUT PAST CURFEW
GO ON A DATE
HAVE FIRST KISS
HAVE A BIG “O” (hopefully from someone else)
“Are you kidding?” I ask as I turn the journal around so Ryan can see it, as if she doesn’t already know.
She shrugs as if it’s not a major violation of my trust, though at this point, there really are no boundaries to our love for one another, so she already knows there’s no chance I’ll be upset with her over this.
“Consider it a fun little social experiment before we leave in the fall. Besides, you should thank me that I kept things mostly PG.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. “Number ten is most certainly not PG.”
“Thus, I said mostly PG. I bet your hockey boy could help you with a few of those things.” Ryan waggles her brows suggestively, and I wish I could shove her through the phone.
“I’m sure he could, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.”
“Never say never, bestie,” she singsongs before we tell each other good night and hang up.
Setting my phone down on my side table, I grab a pen out of my nightstand and update my list as I cross off number four from tonight’s game. I also add in parentheses that number five needs to be an original song.
Knowing sleep is going to evade me, I shut my journal and place it back in its hiding spot. Once I’ve changed and gotten ready for bed, I’m just plugging my phone into the charger when there’s a knock on my bedroom door.
Without opening it, my dad says, “Good night, Taev.”
“Good night, Dad. Love you.”
He doesn’t say it back, which isn’t an uncommon thing for him to do.
My mom was the one to show her love through hugs and cuddles, but she was also the one to express her love verbally every chance she got.
I suppose I continue to tell him I love him, even when he doesn’t say it back, because I strive to be like my mother in every small way I can be.
I’m not sure if that’s harder on my dad at times, because she was the love of his life, but regardless, I’ll continue to tell him just the same.
Sighing, I dive under the covers and adjust my pillow before remembering I need to set my alarm. Just as I’ve set it, my phone buzzes.
Unknown:
Sleep tight, Taevin Gray.
Me:
Who is this?
Unknown:
Wow, was our first date that unremarkable?
I smile like a fool and have to stop myself from squealing at the butterflies unleashing at the realization that Jackson somehow managed to get my phone number.
Me:
Sorry, you must have the wrong number. I’ve never had a first date.
Jackson:
What can I do to convince you to change that?
Me:
I learned another new hockey term tonight.
Jackson:
*whew* so you do know who this is.
Jackson:
What term is that?
Me:
Hat trick. And if you’d like to take me on my first date, I think you should have to score one first.
Jackson:
Did whoever taught you that term also inform you that hat tricks are really tough to get, especially during playoffs?
Chuckling to myself, I consider how to play this before typing my response.
Me:
Am I worth the hard work and effort?
Jackson:
Undoubtedly, yes. Consider it done. I’ve got a game Saturday afternoon. If my good luck charm is there, I’ll score her a hat trick and take her out for our first *official* date after. What do you say?
Me:
I’ll be sure to wear a hat I don’t mind throwing onto the ice.
Jackson:
Atta girl! Sweet dreams.
Me:
Same to you. Night!
I bring my phone to my chest and grin at my ceiling like an idiot. It’s a long shot, but I think I may have my first official date this weekend.
Look at me checking off one of Ryan’s items like it’s no big deal.