Chapter 21 - Taevin #3
Jax’s arm comes around my shoulders when he reaches me. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Avoiding eye contact, I keep my gaze fixed on the floor. “You know what? I’m so sorry, it turns out I’m not feeling well enough to do the big party after all. I think I should probably go. You stay, though. I’ll order a car to bring me to your house.”
“You’re not having a random stranger drive you home.” Gently, Jax tilts my chin up, and when my watery eyes connect with his, a look of hurt flashes across his face. “Talk to me, T. What happened just now?”
“N-nothing,” I stutter, looking over his shoulder to make sure no one is eavesdropping on us. Satisfied when I don’t see anyone, I fix my gaze back on his.
“Please don’t lie to me, baby. Was it my brother? Did he say something?”
Reaching out, I grasp his forearm and assure him, “No, it’s not Bennett. I promise.”
“Did someone make you feel uncomfortable?” he questions.
Dropping his arm, I grasp my stomach again with both hands this time, attempting to steady myself, but it’s no use. I feel like the walls are closing in on me.
Stumbling backward, I bump into the entryway table behind me. “I’m so sorry, I’m just feeling a bit unsteady right now.”
Jax is quick to reach out and stabilize me. With his arm around my waist, he gestures to their front door. “Here, let me walk you out to my truck and then I’ll text Bennett that we had to go.”
“No, Jackson. You haven’t even been here an hour yet. Besides, that papaya-eating competition hasn’t happened yet,” I point out, trying my best to convince him to stay and let me get a ride.
“I don’t care about anything going on or anyone here besides you, T. Now let me take you home.”
I don’t put up any more of a fight as he places his hand on the small of my back and guides me out to his truck.
There’s a foreboding feeling sitting deep in my gut that everything is about to change once again.
“Here, let me,” Jax insists, taking the ice cube from my hand and holding it against my stomach. “Do you want to pinch the area like last night or have me do it?” he asks in a gentle tone, causing tears to well in my eyes.
I hesitate, because how in the hell is this man being so good to me right now when I don’t deserve it? I don’t deserve his kindness or his selflessness.
“I can pinch it. Thanks,” I murmur as I gather the skin between my fingers and squeeze right before he draws the needle to it.
“Close your eyes, T,” Jax tells me just before he gives me the first injection. Drawing up the second round, he asks, “Are you doing okay?”
“Fine, thanks,” I say, breathing deeply and keeping my eyes shut.
“This will all be worth it one day, baby,” he whispers.
I freeze, my whole body stiffening as his words register.
This is the first time he’s even hinted at the fact that if this is successful it will result in our future children.
I mean, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s definitely what he’s insinuating.
I let out a low chuckle that evolves into something bordering on hysterical.
Jackson draws back the needle he was about to poke me with. Glancing up at me, he asks, “What’s happening right now?”
A child or children I’ll never get to grow in my own body.
My stupid, useless fucking body that has failed me in the worst way already.
Of course my hormonal rollercoaster of emotions chooses this moment to send me freefalling from laughter into choked sobs.
Jax shoots up, setting the injection on the bathroom counter before wrapping his arms around me.
He just stands there and patiently holds me as my worst memories come crashing back to the forefront of my mind.
Blood. There’s so much blood. It’s soaked through my pants. I fall to the ground and drop my head into my hands as sobs wrack my body with an unyielding force as the likely reality of my situation hits me.
“Oh my gosh! Tae, we need to go to the hospital. That’s a lot of blood.”
“I can’t, Ry. Not yet. He doesn’t know. Jackson doesn’t even know.”
My knees give out on me and I collapse, the only thing preventing me from falling is Jackson’s strong arms wrapped around me.
“I’m so sorry!” I wail into his chest through the sobs that wrack my body.
“Shh,” he hushes against my temple, bringing one of his hands up to wipe the tears steadily streaming down my face.
“It’s all my fault,” I admit, ashamed by my body’s continued failure.
Pulling my head off his chest, he holds my face in his hands, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. “What are you talking about, baby? You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I do!” I choke out, knowing I look as hysterical as I feel. “You wouldn’t be looking at me the way you are right now if you kn-knew the t-truth.”
He flinches at my words, just slightly, but calmly asks, “What truth?”
“I shouldn’t have gone to Boston that weekend to find you. If I hadn’t traveled, things could’ve been different. Maybe he would still be here with us.”
As my words register, Jackson’s eyes widen and he freezes in place, staring down at me with a look full of equal parts confusion and terror. “Who would be here with us?”
“Our baby,” I whisper, fixing my gaze on the shower beside us, too ashamed to meet his gaze. My stomach sinks to the floor and my heart shatters all over again when I hear Jax’s whimpered cry.
“No,” he rasps, completely heartbroken, sounding every bit as pained as I imagined he would all those years ago.
It’s one single word, but that’s all it takes to break me forever.
“No,” Jackson begs, dropping to his knees before me. When he rests his forehead against my lower stomach, I can’t hold back the agonizing shriek of sadness that escapes.
I tell myself I’ve had nearly ten years to grieve—that I’ve got to be strong for him.
It’s my time to be his rock, but I can’t.
I’m breaking right alongside him. Only my mind is trapped back in that Boston hospital room again, hearing the news that my incompetent cervix is the cause of my sweet little one’s early arrival to heaven.
Taking a deep breath, I try to muster up the courage to speak.
“When I saw Cadence today, I already knew who she was. I knew McKenna had her during her freshman year of college.” I pause, remembering when I heard she had a baby, I spiraled on the road, using alcohol as my only escape.
Her baby lived and mine died because my body was too weak to keep him alive.
Hiccupping back a sob, I continue. “Seeing her today—knowing our baby would’ve been the same age as her—it brought me right back to the worst day of my life. ”
The moment my fingers lace through Jackson’s hair to anchor myself, it’s as if he’s momentarily thrust from his despair.
Almost robotically, he grabs an ice cube from the cup on the counter and places it against my stomach.
When he pinches the skin with silent tears streaming down his face, I turn away with a mirrored look of anguish as he administers my second shot.
I can’t do this right now—not here, in the house he built for us, while the love of my life finds out about our shared tragedy for the first time. Almost as if he’s heard my thoughts, Jax stands abruptly, apologizing before he excuses himself.
“Jax!” I call after him.
My feet move after him before I’ve even realized what I’m doing as I mindlessly follow him down the hall to the front door that he promptly slams behind him.
I halt in the hallway and take in the silence of the house that suddenly feels too large with rooms my body will never allow me to fill—not then and not now.
He said he wasn’t going anywhere earlier, but I should’ve known better.
Why would anyone want to stay with me?
I’m a failure down to the very marrow of my being.
And now that Jackson knows that ugly truth, he could never truly love me again.