Chapter 30 Jackson
Then
Something is wrong.
I don’t know what’s going on with Taevin, but something has definitely been off the past several days since her appointment.
And whenever I ask her about said appointment, she gets cagey and changes the topic. It’s driving me mad watching her distance herself from me for reasons I’m not clued in on.
“Jaxy, what’s good, man? Thanks for hosting again,” Carson greets me, slapping my hand and bringing me in for a quick hug.
“Carse, what’s up? Yeah, of course,” I tell him, looking behind him and only seeing Katie with him.
“Hey, Katie, thanks for coming,” I greet her and bring her in for a side hug. “Are Kenna and Griff coming later?”
“Nah, I think Mack needed some rest after the first week of volleyball and Griff was going to hang out at her dorm with her since they don’t have much time together before he heads to Emery,” Carson explains.
“Right, that makes sense. I’m actually headed to Boston tomorrow afternoon to move into my dorm,” I tell them.
“That’s awesome! Is Taevin leaving tomorrow too?” Katie asks.
I shake my head. “No, her move-in day isn’t for another week so she’ll meet me there next week.
I’ve got captain’s practices for hockey starting early next week so they let the freshman athletes move in a week earlier than the rest of the students living on campus,” I answer, looking around the main floor of my parents’ house to see if I can spot Tae.
Katie joins me in looking around. “Where is she? I was hoping to hang out with her tonight.”
“She should be here soon. She passed her driver’s test today so she said she was going to drive herself here.”
“That’s awesome!” Katie squeals in excitement.
“Are you excited for hockey to start?” Carson asks me, and I should probably lie and tell him I’m stoked, but I don’t have it in me.
“I mean, it’ll be weird playing with a full team of guys I don’t know. But I suppose it’ll be nice having Taevin and Griffin in the same city as me.”
Carson shakes his head. “It’s wild how it worked out with the two of you both winding up in Boston. Is Tae excited for Berklee?”
I nod, even though I’m not entirely sure she’s excited considering any time the topic of school or moving to Boston has come up in the past several days, she’s quickly changed the subject or thrown herself at me.
I’m not complaining about the latter, but I also don’t love that she’s avoiding the topic.
“Oh, there she is!” Katie points out, waving her arm in the air at Taevin to get her attention.
She looks sad. I can’t quite put my finger on it, and she obviously won’t tell me what’s really going on, but she looks almost devastated to be here right now.
“What’s up with our girl?” Katie turns to ask me.
“I’m not sure, she’s been acting strange since an appointment she had earlier this week,” I murmur as Tae approaches us.
“Well, what was the appointment about?” she asks.
“No clue,” I whisper-hiss before rushing to close the distance between me and Taevin.
When I finally wrap my arms around her and lift her in the air, all is right in the world. “Congratulations on passing your driver’s test, baby!”
“Thanks,” she murmurs against my neck in a subdued tone.
Setting her down, I hold onto her shoulders and bend so I can look right into her eyes. “What’s the matter? You looked sad when you came in and now you sound it too, but you should be ecstatic.”
She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear and avoids my skeptical gaze, keeping hers focused on the stairwell. “Do you think we could go upstairs to talk?”
My stomach sinks as my brain processes what she’s just asked. This may be my first relationship, but I’ve watched enough movies and shows to know when a girl says she wants “to talk” that no good comes from that.
“Yeah of course,” I tell her, taking her hand in mind and leading her up to my room.
Once I shut the door behind us, Tae pulls her hand from mine and cracks her knuckles before shaking them out almost as if she’s talking herself into having this conversation.
I take a seat on the edge of my bed and pat the mattress beside me but she just shakes her head and remains standing.
Wrinkling my brows, I ask, “What’s the matter? You didn’t answer me downstairs—” Pausing to consider, my eyes widen. “Wait, did you not pass your driver’s test?”
She shakes her head. “No, I passed. That’s not it.”
“Then what’s going on? I’ve gotta be honest, you’re scaring me a bit, baby.”
When Tae’s watery eyes lift and connect with mine, I realize that my fears are valid.
“I’ve just been thinking a lot about my future.”
“Okay . . .” I trail off because that’s not what I was anticipating she’d say, though I’m not exactly sure what to expect right now with how hot and cold she’s been all week.
“And there’s something I didn’t tell you. I—uh—well, I actually signed with an agent last week.”
“An agent?” I echo in question.
“Yeah, a talent manager. He reached out to me and I’m going to sign with a record label for a three-record deal, which is absolutely insane,” she explains.
I draw my head back in confusion. “Wait, when did this happen?”
She looks down at the ground and murmurs, “Last week when I had my appointment, I met with Kyle.”
“Kyle?”
“My new agent.”
“And you’ve already signed a contract with him?” I ask.
She nods, refusing to make eye contact with me as she wrings her hands together.
Standing up, I walk over to her and cup her face in my hands. “Will you please look at me, baby?”
She does as I ask, and when her tear-filled mahogany eyes meet mine, it’s like a shot to the chest.
“Why are you sad about this? Shouldn’t you be happy?”
Tae’s head shoots back as her brows knit in confusion. “You’re not angry?”
“I mean, I’m a bit hurt you felt like you couldn’t come to me with this. But I could never be angry with you for chasing your dreams. This is what you want, right? To write and record your own music?”
She blinks slowly as she stares into my eyes, almost as if she’s searching for the lie. “It is, but I never imagined it would happen like this and so soon.”
“You’re beyond talented, Tae. Any record label would be lucky as hell to sign you early. Anyone who’d pass you up is an idiot,” I assure her.
“Well, there’s also the fact that I won’t be going to Boston in a week. They want me in Nashville.”
“Oh, well—” I pause to scratch the back of my head. “Do you think you’ll have to miss the first week of classes or is it just for a few days during freshmen orientation and move-in week?”
Avoiding eye contact again, she stares into the corner where my guitar is splayed across my desk. “No, J. They want me to move there.”
I feel like I’ve been struck. Taking a step back, I ask, “What are you trying to say right now?”
Tae worries her quivering lips together before she whispers, “I’m saying that it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I can’t possibly pass up, Jackson.”
Swallowing past the emotion clogging my throat, I choke out, “Okay. Okay, so we have to do the long distance thing earlier than we had planned. That’s okay.
It’s not like we won’t see each other. You can come to visit me in season, and whenever I have a break, I’ll come see you in Nashville or back home. ”
“You’d seriously consider trying to make long distance work your freshman year in college?” she asks in a skeptical tone that has me rearing back.
“If that’s what it takes to make your dreams come true, I’ll do it for you, Tae.
Is it ideal that it’s happening right away before we’ve had a chance to experience any bit of college together?
I mean, no. But you’re right, it’s not an opportunity you can pass up.
And you seem to have made up your mind.”
Tae takes a deep breath. “You’re right. I have.” Wringing her hands together again before fisting them tightly, she finally looks up at me, and when her eyes connect with mine, my heart sinks.
No, don’t do this. I want to scream it, shout it until she decides against what she’s about to say.
Her voice trembles as she continues. “I’ve made up my mind that it’s going to be too hard, Jax.
You and I both know this won’t work out the way we’re hoping.
Instead of letting us burn out from the distance, I think we should make the conscious choice now to let things go.
That way we can part ways as friends instead of winding up hating each other when the distance becomes too much.
Before you resent me for not making it to one of your games because I’ve got to record or have a gig.
Before I get my hopes up that you’ll be there for a milestone only for our schedules not to align. ”
I grip my chest and rub my sternum as if that will stop the hurt consuming me right now.
“How can you say that? We-we made vows.” She looks down again, breaking eye contact with me.
“And you’re giving up without even trying.
That’s not what I meant when I vowed to love you through good times and bad, Taevin.
Jesus, you won’t even look at me right now. Why are you really doing this?”
She shoots her gaze up and locks it on mine.
“You want me to look at you while I break us? Fine. Take a step back from everything and take off your rose-colored glasses when it comes to me. I was never going to be your forever, Jackson.” She shrugs and lets out a halfhearted laugh.
“I’m just me, and you’re you. You’re a big, beautiful presence that I’d only be holding back.
You’re going to be someone’s everything someday, and I’m going to be sorry for the rest of my life that it wasn’t me. ”
I think I might actually be dying with how badly my chest hurts.
“Why don’t you just shoot me straight, Tae?” I grit out the question.
Her brows wrinkle in confusion. “I am.”
“No, you’re not. You’re acting like you’re making this decision on my behalf, but you’re not.
This is all in your best interest. You’re looking over the fence and considering whether or not the grass is greener on the other side.
You’re moving onto bigger, better things without me.
Everything we’ve talked about, all of our hopes and dreams for the future.
You’re going to do them, you’re just choosing to do them without me at your side.
” Shaking my head, I let out my own despondent laugh.
“There’s really nothing I can do to change your mind? Nothing I can say to stop you from breaking us?” I question, still hopeful she’ll change her mind and come rushing back into my arms.
She shakes her head and clears her throat as tears steadily stream down her face. “No. But I think one day you’ll look back and realize that I did you a favor. It isn’t fair to hold you back from your dreams. Neither of us should have to sacrifice our future for the other,” she argues.
Taking a step back, I bring my hands up in exasperation.
“See that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve never once asked you to sacrifice anything for me.
You applied to Berklee before I ever mentioned Harvard.
You chose to hide signing an agent and a record deal from me.
And it’s you who’s choosing to give up—to break what we have—without even trying. ”
Taevin hiccups a gasp, bracing her hands on her stomach.
Dropping my hands to my sides, I look into her eyes. “Oh, and there’s one more thing. You’re so wrong. Because I’m never getting over you, baby. There will never be another for me.”
Letting out a strangled sob, Tae takes off toward my bathroom before I hear her stomach wretching. Running in to join her, I gather her hair in my hand and rub soothing circles on her back as she continues to heave into the toilet.
When her stomach finally settles, she peeks up at me from where her head is resting against her arm. “You’ll forever be my greatest loss, Jackson Wilson,” she murmurs, completely withdrawn and devoid of emotion.
“I don’t have to be,” I point out in a tone matching her own.
“It’s beyond that. If it were simply up to what I want, this wouldn’t be happening,” she whispers as her eyes swell with tears. When a stray one escapes, I swipe it away with my thumb.
“I’ll never love again. I mean that. So if you ever change your mind, if circumstances change, there’s no reality that exists where I wouldn’t drop everything to be with you.”
She hiccups. “Stop, please. You’re making this even harder.”
Brushing stray strands of hair behind her ear, I hold the embrace for a moment longer than I should.
“Maybe that’s the difference between us.
Because wherever you go, my love would—will—follow.
You’re just not willing to let me yet, and I’ll accept that, for now at least. But make no mistake, Taevin, I will always hold on to what we could be—what I hope our future will be someday, when you’re ready. ”
She shuffles to her feet at that. “I should go.”
Don’t. Stay. Look at me before you walk away, baby, I silently plead as the love of my life walks out of my life with my bleeding, shattered heart in her hands.
Pain I’ve never experienced envelopes me, burning me alive as the distance between us grows.
Taevin doesn’t look back, not even a glance over her shoulder.
After a sleepless night, I’m delaying my departure to Boston, refusing to leave until I’ve talked to her in the light of day. Hoping dawn has brought Taevin clarity and she’s changed her mind.
I pound and pound on her front door until finally her father answers it. When he opens the door, his face is crestfallen and I can’t stomach the words I know are likely going to come out of his mouth.
“Taev isn’t here, Jackson. She left for Nashville earlier this morning.”
My head rears back as his words sink in. “What do you mean she left?”
Her father runs his fingers through is black hair. “She has a meeting with a record label this afternoon, and no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, she said she wasn’t a minor anymore and she could choose what’s best for her. I don’t know what’s gotten into her.”
Clasping my hands together above my head, I look up at the sky and let out a sigh of defeat.
“I’m sorry, son. I figured she’d leave me one day for greener pastures, but I just want you to know I can tell she really loves you.”
“Yeah, just not enough, I guess.”
Not wanting to break in front of her father, I turn and storm off to my truck, slamming the door shut with frustration before slamming my fist against the steering wheel.
“Fuck!”
I’m still screaming internally hours later as I settle into my new dorm room at Harvard. A milestone I was once excited for is now one I wholeheartedly resent because I know deep in my heart that if it weren’t for me being here, I’d still have the woman I love in my arms.