Eleven
He wasn’t being careful.
Though he’d told himself many times not to let things with Lilly go past a certain point, Quinn was letting it go past a certain point. And God knew he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t.
He needed to figure out whether to return to Dublin, explore places still unseen, or listen to his gut, which was telling him with every hour that passed that Green Valley was his home every bit as much as it had been his mam’s. Something about the place called to him, made him want to settle in and explore everything it had to offer, and after he did a bit more of that, he was hoping his brothers joined them to spread Mam’s ashes, but also just to experience the area’s beauty for themselves. Knowing Con already felt the power of this place and went wherever the wind blew him anyway, Quinn had no doubt he’d agree to stay longer. Brady might appreciate a relocation since his world had fallen apart, and the twins might be open to a long holiday here at the very least.
How fantastic would that be if they all came and stayed awhile?
It would make him happy, but of course, things wouldn”t be perfect.
Not without Lilly here.
Before they’d left Langley Bridge, she’d told him about the wonderful opportunity she had to intern with a famous pastry chef in Miami. Her excitement had been palpable, even as she’d worried about how her mother would take the news. Quinn had hugged her until she’d squealed, overjoyed with happiness for her, but he couldn’t deny he’d felt a twinge of inexplicable sadness, as well.
It was already his fourth day here in California, and he still needed a roadmap to navigate the choppy waters of his uncertainty. Had part of him actually thought he and Lilly might have a future together? Rubbish. The last thing a bloke in his position ought to be doing was getting involved with a woman. Especially one leaving so soon.
And yet—he couldn’t keep his distance. Not when failing to do so meant more times like yesterday, making love in the morning, then sitting together on the bridge over the creek, talking quietly and feeding one another.
This morning, instead of heading out immediately to do more exploring—hell, he hadn’t even seen the house his mother grew up in—he’d stayed in, hoping to get some more time with Lilly. If that wasn’t a sign he was headed for disaster, he didn’t know what was. No sooner did he have the thought than Lilly found him in the living room. She was trying to restrain herself, but he could tell she was virtually vibrating with excitement, something having to do with the secretive smile on her lips.
“There you are. If you’re not doing anything today, then go pack a bag. Your brother too.”
He should’ve put the brakes on right there. He should’ve said he already had plans, and those plans didn’t—couldn’t—include her, but he didn’t. How could he? She was so excited by whatever it was she was scheming, that he hated to disappoint her.
And so, he went and fetched Con, who’d apparently fought with Dara the night before, and had yet to get out of bed. “Let’s go, maggot.”
“You’re the maggot.”
“You are, sleeping all day in your maggoty bed.”
“Same bed you slept in, you dry shite,” Con said with the enthusiasm of a sloth.
“Lilly wants to take us somewhere.” Quinn ripped the comforter off his stupid ass brother and gave him a playful shove.
“Feck off, ya bugger.” But eventually, Con did sit up, look around and brush the sleep from his eyes, and within half an hour, they’d packed an overnight bag, as Lilly had instructed, and met her outside by her car, sun shades drawn tightly over their eyes. “Will this involve thinking?” Con yawned.
“Not really,” Lilly said.
“Walking?”
“Not unless you care to walk to the ocean from here, or on the beach when we get there,” Lilly said brightly, throwing her bag into the car, along with a small cooler full of drinks into the trunk.
“Ocean?” Quinn narrowed his eyes in the morning sun, early fog burning away, giving way to a beautiful, wine country day.
“The Pacific. You said you wanted to see it.” Lilly smiled, relishing the astonishment on his face, because how could he not be astonished? This woman had everything—brains, talent, astounding beauty, compassion, and she knew how to pack a picnic basket, and she listened to every word he said. That was way more than he could say about Rita, a woman he’d dated steadily back in Dublin and who’d loved the sound of her own voice, that was for sure.
It was a short trip, only thirty minutes to the shore, but when they arrived in Jenner, a small coastal town at the mouth of the Russian River, Quinn’s eyes gravitated toward the majesty of the wide open ocean. The car stopped short of a rocky cliff, and everyone climbed out with mixed sighs of awe and wonder. The salt, the breeze, and cool air all hit him.
“Holy…” Con murmured next to him.
It wasn’t so much that the ocean was wide and all-encompassing, it was more the feeling of insignificance that struck him more than anything. He was nothing, just a speck of meat and bones living on a big rock, which was really a tiny pebble in the vast universe. He tried to make sense of things, but in the grand, overall view, he was nothing. They were all nothing—a tiny collection of cells. His heart could quit on him this very moment, but this ocean would keep roiling and churning, frothing and crying its salty tears against the rocks below forever.
“You’re speechless,” Lilly spoke quietly behind his shoulder. Her hand came up and rested on the middle of his back. It felt wonderful to have her hands on him. Even Con had nothing to say, but a smile, when Lilly returned to the car, saying. “I’ll go get the blanket.”
“Mistress of picnics, that’s what you are. You should have your own television show.” Quinn winked after her, then noticed the look his brother was giving him. “What?”
He watched her sashay away in tight leggings that hugged the curves of her hips and ass. God, he wished he could flip her over on this sandy cliff and lay his head right on that thing, if it weren’t for Con tagging along.
They spent the morning and afternoon lying on the blanket, talking about anything and everything. It’d been a hell of a long time since his last vacation, probably five years during a break in rugby season when he and Rita had gone to Manchester for a few days to visit her family. It had felt like a vacation then, since he never went anywhere, but thinking back, it was just a blip. But this—this was true bliss.
Resting his head on Lilly’s flat belly, as she sat up on her elbows and tossed blueberries into his open mouth, he realized his brother hadn’t said much since they’d arrived. Con was a free spirit who loved his yoga in spite of the razzing of his brothers, who drank fancy teas, and who loved hiking and romps with nature. For all of that, he had a sharp mind and glib tongue. He could win any argument just by outlasting his opponent, and he was a natural when it came to smooth-talking the ladies. The ocean, however, had silenced him, only not in the worrisome way his grief had of late. Granted, Quinn had known his brother was drawn to the water, but he’d never spent much time with him by the ocean. He’d never seen Con so mesmerized by anything in his life.
Quinn could almost convince himself that he and Lilly were alone here and to his amazement, as if reading his mind, Con got up and began walking along the edge of the shore.
Who knew the lad could be so damn thoughtful.
“Alone at last,” he growled to Lilly, who giggled, but there was a shadow in her eyes that didn’t belong there given the beauty of their surroundings.
“What’s troubling you, Lil?”
She looked startled, as if not quite believing he’d read her emotions so accurately. “I was just thinking about my internship. Four days have passed since I got the news and my mother still doesn’t know anything. I don’t know why I’m so stinkin’ scared of facing her.”
“You need to be assertive, Lil. You’re what—twenty-two, twenty-three?”
She smirked playfully and tugged on his hair. “Twenty-seven.”
“Eh, ya, you definitely need to say fuck it, and do what you want, say what you want, like you do with me.” Giving her a roguish smile, he braced himself for another smack on the head. This woman loved to smack him, not that he minded.
“That’s easy for you to say, Quinn. Your mom didn’t have an iron fist. Yours told you to go live a life, fly and be free. Not my mom. You have four brothers to carry on your parents’ name, but my mom and dad only had me. They put all their eggs in my basket, so to speak. If I don’t take over the bed-and-breakfast, who will?”
“I see what you mean,” he said, trying to be supportive.
“But you’re right, I need to tell her soon. I have no choice. My biggest fear, though, is what if I decide to be selfish and hurt my mom, and in the end I don’t succeed? What if I get all the way out to Miami and find out it was all a fluke? That my audition muffins were a one-time deal, that I can’t recreate the same brilliance again?”
“Lilly, Lilly,” he interrupted her. “That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Quinn told her. She was looking for excuses not to succeed. “Stop living the life your mam wants for you, and start living your own.”
“Strong words coming from the man who doesn’t know where he’s going from here,” Lilly cooed.
Ouch. He tightened up at her words, but she was right, and he couldn’t blame her for making that connection. Lilly had one up on him in that she knew where she was headed. Her life was planned out for the time being, whereas him? Nothing. He needed direction, and he needed it soon.
“Is he okay?” Lilly asked, looking at Con who was down the beach some ways, now sitting cross-legged and staring out at the ocean as if in a meditative state.
“Con’s fine, Lil. And you’re right, I don’t know for sure where I’m headed from here, but once I do know what I want, you can be damn sure I won’t let anyone stop me from getting it.”
“But what if, Quinn,” Lilly continued with her fearful talk. “Once I tell my mother, once I hurt her by leaving, there’s no going back. The damage is done. What if I finish the internship, open my business, and discover that I can’t handle the orders? Like, what if I get too many?”
Quinn rolled his eyes. “Lil, do you hear yourself? You’re scared you’ll be so successful, you won’t know what to do? For crikey’s sake, you cross that bridge when you get there. If—when—you get to that point, because you will, because your sweets, muffins, and what not, they’re fantastic. If you get to that point, you hire help. Eventually, you want to get to the point where you’re not the only one baking all the damned time. You’ve taught someone else how to recreate them the same, exact way you make them, and then you can walk away, go on vacation, see the world, whatever. But you’ll know that your muffins are being made exactly the way you like them.”
“Nobody can make them like I can,” she said not-so-humbly with an air of mock importance. “At least, I like telling myself that.”
“Sweetheart…” He shook his head. He’d tried telling his father the same thing about The Cranky Yankee. “You know why most small businesses fail? Because owners become managers, bakers, doers of everything. They refuse to give up control, and before they know it, they’re exhausted while everyone else is on vacation, and they can’t figure out why. Trust me, coming from someone who saw it in my mam and dad every day…train others to work for you. They make your lovely products exactly the same way you make them. And poof—you’re free to live.”
“Is that how you do it?” she said in a mocking tone.
“Yeah, that’s how you do it.”
She stared out at the waves a bit, seeming to think about what he’d said. “Have you given more thought to what you want to do next? And where?” she asked suddenly.
“Haven’t figured that out yet. Some type of business, I’m sure.” He paused, thinking about really, truly living in Forestville. Could he do it? So far, everything he’d seen was peaceful, beautiful, charming, calm—a world of difference from bustling Dublin, but then again, he’d always wanted to move to the countryside to raise a family…some day, that is. He just never considered America before Mam passed. Besides, Green Valley was a hop, skip, and a jump from big city living.
“What are you thinking?” Lillian’s soft question didn’t bother him. It was just that he had no answers.
Honestly, he thought of how he had absolutely nothing to offer Lilly right now, even if they ever considered staying together. He needed to become stable, though Quinn always had a great way of rising to the occasion when he was called to it. He may be standing at a crossroads now, but he wouldn’t be for long. Whatever he did, he’d be successful at it. He wasn’t worried about that. It was knowing that Lilly needed to chase after her own success and was scared to do it that worried him. It was thinking about what might be possible between them, if only he was more settled, that made him sad. Even if he was ready to settle in Green Valley today, he had very little save for his proceeds from the restaurant and his mam’s life insurance money, which would be split five ways, but even that would run out after a couple of months. She deserved way more than that.
“I’m thinking how grand it is that you have this opportunity all laid out for you, how you have your niche, you know? Last thing you need is getting tangled up with the likes of me.” He sat up suddenly, cross-legged, resting his elbows on his knees. He was getting entirely too comfortable around Lilly, even thinking about what if they were together.
Even through his peripheral vision, he spotted Lillian’s drawn eyebrows. “What’s the matter?”
“With what,” he stated, more than asked. He kept his eyes focused on the water. Below them, surfers tackled waves, sitting around in groups, talking, enjoying the afternoon. Keep a safe distance, Quinn.
“I don’t know. You just sat up like you were mad or something.”
“I’m not mad.” He gave her a gratuitous flash of smile. “I’m good.”
They were silent for a short time after that, and she reached for a bottle of wine and some glasses, as if to look busy. He hated making her feel like something was wrong between them, but he wasn’t stupid either. In the short time they’d known each other, they’d gotten close. He was strongly drawn to Lilly, and he knew she felt the same way. Despite their agreement to live only for the moment, every moment they spent together increased the hold each had on the other. If he didn’t put up his defenses quickly, he’d be breaking her heart and possibly his own, and another heartbreak right now was more than he could handle.
“You must be really looking forward to Miami, huh? Beaches and tanned bodies and lots of culture, so I hear. You’re going to be a big success out there,” he said, doing his best to keep the conversation focused on the positive—the future.
“Quinn?” she said softly, abandoning the wine and glasses to crawl up to him and sit cross-legged beside him.
“Hmm?”
“Are you pushing me away right now?”
Women and their emotional radars. “What? Why do you say that?”
“Because that’s how it felt just now. One moment, you were resting on top of me and we were having a nice conversation, and then the minute I asked you what your plans were, you sort of freaked out.”
“I have not freaked out.”
Just then, Con approached.
“Con, have I freaked out?” Quinn called to his brother ten feet away, even though he couldn’t possibly know what Quinn was talking about.
“You know what would be cool?” Con said. “Opening a surf shop out here. Maybe giving lessons.”
What the hell? Quinn knew Con had gone on surfing runs before. There were great beaches in Ireland for it in Donegal, Sligo, Clare, and Kerry, all places Con had wandered to at some point. But what did he know about opening a shop, even though it was one of his mam’s crazy journal ideas. Mam definitely wasn’t the only dreamer in the family.
He opened up his mouth—to say what, he wasn’t sure—when Con wandered away again murmuring to himself. With a sigh, he looked at Lilly, who had stood and was packing up the wine and glasses she’d only just pulled out.
“What are you doing, Lil?”
She shrugged. “Giving you what you want. Some distance between us, right?”
When he said nothing to deny it, she nodded. “Alright. Then, I guess I’ll go get the bonfire stuff.”
He watched her walk away and just as he’d always thought it would, the sight shot a wicked pain through him. “Hey, Lil. I wasn’t pushing you away,” he said, standing and following her, knowing he was lying but not knowing how to explain what he’d been thinking without entangling them even deeper in an already complicated emotional web. “I really, truly just wanted to hear more about your Miami plans. I’m excited for you, because I don’t have anything like that going for me. You understand that, right?”
When she reached the car, she pushed her back against the side door. “Yes, of course. I just felt for a second there that you were keeping your distance. But I get it, Quinn. I do. We said we’d only have one night together, then we broke that rule. Then, we spent half the day together yesterday, and now we’re together again. My fault, I know, for dragging you out here, but—”
“Hey. You did not drag me out here. I wanted to come.” He took her hands and watched her blue eyes read his face for sincerity. “I’ve loved every second I’ve spent with you, but you know this isn’t easy what we’re doing. Well…at least it’s not for me.”
“You think it’s easy for me?” Her eyes widened, her face full of surprise. “Quinn, I don’t just entertain every man who comes to town, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m not used to loving and leaving, hitting then quitting…”
“That was not what I was suggesting, Lil. I’m just saying I can only speak for myself.”
“Because I don’t,” she went on, her hands a flurry of defensiveness. “I rarely see any men living out there.”
“I see,” Quinn said, “so you were attracted to me, not because you were drawn to my irresistible charms, but because I was one of the only men you ever see? Great, now I feel better.” Simultaneously, he scoffed and laughed.
“No. Ugh!” She dropped his hands, popped the trunk, and went to work pulling out the lighter fluid, a bag of firewood from the bed-and-breakfast, and some paper for kindling. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. Quinn,” she said, whirling around to face him. “You are amazing, and I’m having the best time getting to know you. I feel like I’m drawn to you. If that weren’t true, I wouldn’t have to…” She stopped, mumbling something to herself.
“Wouldn’t have to what?” He helped her with the firewood, stacking it all against his chest.
“Nothing, forget I said anything. Let’s just have a good time, can we? I rented a room just down the cliff over there.” She pointed toward a small hotel down the road. “We can make the bonfire, get sloshed if we want to, and just…” She turned to him with a glassy look in her eyes. “And just keep enjoying our time together. Can we?”
“Yes,” he said definitively, putting the wood on the ground, so he could take her hands and fix her windy hair behind her ears. “Yes, of course we can. I would love that very much.” It was true. He wasn’t saying it just to appease her. He really loved the idea of another night together.
He just worried. For so many reasons.
That he would get wrapped up in a relationship when he wasn’t ready was one. That now Lilly seemed to think he wanted no strings attached from the way he’d acted, when nothing could be further from the truth was two, and three—if he didn’t hurry up and decide what he wanted to do with his life from this moment forward, he might lose an amazing opportunity with this wonderful woman, and losing out on life’s opportunities was not something he ever wanted to experience again.