4. Chapter Four #4
“So,” I clear my throat, not wanting to approach the subject but knowing I need to, “do you realize what tomorrow is?”
Beth nods solemnly. “I do. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk about it or not.”
I watch a wave roll in before I speak again. “Not really,” I sigh, “but we probably should.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
“I know. I just can’t help it.” I stare at the water.
“I told everyone at the diner I wasn’t coming in so I could be with you,” she says softly.
I look over at her. “Thanks,” I say. “I really appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome.” Beth nods. Then silence grows between us, interrupted only by the sound of the waves crashing to shore. Another one rolls back out, taking our conversation with it.
I arrive at Penny’s house for the pool party at the same time as Graham.
He smiles and waves at me as he slams his car door shut, a beach towel tossed over his shoulder.
I shift on my feet as I wait for him to get closer, slinging my bag onto my shoulder.
I had almost not come to the party. It had been a fun, but emotionally day at the beach with Aunt Beth.
“Hey,” he says as he reaches my side.
“Hi,” I echo back as we walk up the sidewalk to the front porch together.
“Beth told me you’re joining the crew at the diner,” he says, running a hand through his hair.
“Yeah, she talked to me about it this morning. Good thing I said yes.” A big smile spreads across my face. “I’m really excited.”
“Well, we’re excited to have you on board.” He clears his throat and reaches into the pockets of his neon swim trunks.
“I, uh,” he pauses as he pulls something out, “found this the other day and it made me think of you.” He holds out his hand and in the center of his palm is a seashell in the shape of a heart.
“Graham,” I say quietly, taken aback by the gesture. I gently reach for the shell and take it from him, running my fingers over the grooved surface. It’s white and weathered and I know I will cherish it.
I open my mouth to continue but am interrupted by Penny answering the door.
“Hi!” she exclaims as she welcomes us into her home. Her home is warm and inviting; it’s the kind of house that isn’t perfect and looks lived in. There’re toys spread across the living room and a cozy lamp lit in the corner. Her couch looks like a giant marshmallow.
Raquel smiles and waves to us from the kitchen as she watches us walk in. A few other people I don’t know are in the house as well. I chalk them up to being Penny’s husband’s friends.
Graham departs from my side, going to talk to Brian and Penny’s husband. I make my way over to the kitchen to join Raquel, saving my introductions for later. The kitchen is beautiful and spacious, everything a pristine white. Penny follows behind me.
“Make yourself at home,” she says as she opens the fridge. “There’s seltzers on the counter, help yourself.”
Raquel nods and holds hers up.
“Oh, I’m not legal yet,” I say, as I set my beach bag on the counter and take a seat at one of the barstools in front of it. I reach inside for my pouch of shells — still full from my beach day with Beth — and carefully slide Graham’s shell into it.
“We’re all legal here.” Penny turns around, a meat and cheese tray in her hands. She shrugs. “Seriously. We won’t tell.”
She sets the food down and then takes off again, fluttering around like the social butterfly she is.
Raquel takes a drink of her seltzer and smiles at me. “Beth told me you’re joining us at work,” she says. “I’m so excited!”
“That’s what Graham said,” I say. “Did she make an announcement or something? She was banking on me saying yes,” I laugh. News of me joining the crew has spread like wildfire, it seems.
She shrugs. “Kind of. I think she’s just excited, too, so she wanted to tell everyone.” Her eyes land on my bag and she frowns.
“Crap,” she mutters, “I forgot my bag in my car. Be right back!” She scurries off to the front door and I turn around on the barstool and take a look around the house.
It’s the kind of house where all the kids would hang out. Part of me always wished our apartment back in Seattle was the hotspot. Thinking of home makes my heart hurt and I blink rapidly to fight the tears that are coming.
Everyone seems to have an alcoholic drink of some sort in their hands.
I turn back around and stare at the seltzers curiously before I reach for one.
I want to get rid of this lump in my throat.
I crack it open and take a sip. It’s not what I expect, but it’s also not bad.
I keep drinking it as I look around the kitchen.
There’s music playing from somewhere in the house and I can tell Penny is enjoying her role as hostess.
There’s a variety of finger foods spread across the counter, and a stack of pizza boxes by the fridge.
I finish the can and toss it into the trashcan by the corner of the counter and reach for another.
I crack it open and take a sip, feeling a numbing sensation working its way over my brain.
I decide not to wait for Raquel and head out the sliding glass door to the porch overlooking the pool.
I set my bag down on one of the chairs on the deck and quickly strip my clothes off.
I stuff them into my bag and drape my towel over the back of the chair.
I take another gulp of my seltzer and set it down by the chair, feeling warm in the pit of my stomach. The lump in my throat is fading.
The pool looks inviting and refreshing after the day I’ve had.
The smell of chlorine hits me in the face as I take a breath in.
I hear a roar of laughter inside the house and pick up my seltzer can again, taking another drink.
I quickly drain the can and crush it, setting it by my bag.
Raquel joins me on the porch, shutting the patio door behind her.
She smiles as she yanks her T-shirt over her head and shimmies out of her shorts, revealing her black bikini.
She balls her clothes up and tosses them toward the chair beside me.
She chucks her bag in the same direction and then walks toward the pool entrance and dips her toes in, testing the water.
“Cold?” I ask as I watch her.
“Not really,” she says before she climbs in.
I walk to the pool ladder and follow her into the water.
I shiver a bit as I adjust to the temperature.
It’s still early enough in the season that it’s not turned to bath water just yet.
I submerge myself fully and shake my head when I break the surface again.
My mind is quiet and for once, I feel totally relaxed. It’s a peace I could use more often.
I’m wiping water from my eyes as I remember I wanted to tell Raquel about Jake asking me out. She’s on the other end of the pool, floating on her back, eyes shut. I swim over to her and settle beside her as Penny, Graham, and the others walk out onto the deck.
Graham rips off his shirt and breaks out into a run, jumping into a cannonball.
I turn, trying to shield myself from the spray. “I forgot to tell you,” I say to Raquel after the water settles, “I saw Jake again and he asked me out.”
“And you said no, right?” She flips out of her suspended float and is upright, in front of me.
“No…” I trail off, backing towards the edge of the pool. I furrow my brows as I look at her.
She frowns. “Look, I’m not telling you what to do, but be careful,” she warns. “He may be nice now, but the kid is a real ass, at least from what I’ve heard around town.”
“Really?” I ask, thinking of my interactions with Jake. “He seems sweet, so far.”
“That’s how they get you,” she says, “Look, Thea, you’re a big girl and can make your own decisions. Just be careful, okay?”
She glances toward Graham as he bobs along the surface of the water, slowly swimming over to us.
“Hey,” he says, “whatcha talking about?”
“Just how excited we are to have Thea join the diner,” she lies.
Graham agrees with her and I smile politely, lost in my thoughts. I think of his gesture at the door with the shell and now Raquel’s warning. I can’t help but wonder if I’m about to make a huge mistake.
I wake up the next morning filled with dread. I stare at the ceiling for a considerable amount of time before I make myself get up and get on with the day. I’d be content to lay there the entire day, but I know I need to get up and move my body.
Part of me thought this day would kill me. That somehow, grief would just take me in my sleep and I’d never have to face it.
Unfortunately, I’m still here, even though Mom isn’t.
It’s quiet in the house as I move about it, so I figure Beth is out on the porch reading or just watching the water. I busy myself with taking a quick shower. I put on a fresh set of clothes and head towards the kitchen to attempt to eat breakfast.
I feel like I’m having an out of body experience today. My heart feels heavy and my brain feels like a sponge — except serotonin is the water and I’m in a drought.
My phone buzzes in my hand as I walk down the hallway to the kitchen. I glance at it; it’s Ireland. Just a heart emoji, her version of a “thinking of you” text.
A tear slides out of my eye and I brush it away as I flip the kitchen light on. There’s a piece of paper in the center of the table and I walk over to see Beth’s handwriting scribbled across it.
Emergency at the diner. I’m so sorry. Be back as soon as I can! Xoxo
Great. The one day I didn’t want to be alone and I’m left utterly and completely alone.
I toss her note back on the table and slowly walk over to the refrigerator. I open it and grab the carton of eggs and butter. I’m in a daze as I retrieve the flour and sugar from the pantry.