Chapter 33
REID
"You've been quiet all shift," Tony says as we pull away from the hospital. "Everything okay?"
I stare out the passenger window at the afternoon traffic. We just dropped off a cardiac patient who's probably going to be fine—chest pains that seem to be more about anxiety than a heart attack. Should have been a routine call, but I've been distracted all day.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Bullshit." Tony glances at me while we wait at a red light. "You've said maybe ten words since we started this morning. And you've been checking your phone every five minutes."
Have I? I pull out my phone and look at the blank screen.
No messages from Laine. Not that I expected any.
I told her to figure out what she wants, not to update me on her thought process.
But I guess I hoped she'd come running after me.
I think I wanted her to jump into my arms and tell me she chooses me.
That our relationship is the only thing that matters.
Fuck. If that phone call had come six months from now, would it be a different story? Would she have told him that she can't go right then and there? Would I be deep enough in her heart to be her first choice?
I don't fucking know.
"Relationship stuff," I say finally.
"Ah. Laine."
"Yeah."
"What happened?"
The light turns green and Tony accelerates, but I can feel him waiting for an answer. Tony's a good partner—gives you space when you need it, but doesn't let you wallow in your own shit.
"She got offered a job," I say. "Big opportunity. Honduras. Three years."
Tony whistles low. "That's a long time. Long way away too."
"Yeah."
"She gonna take it?"
That's the million-dollar question, isn't it? "I don't know. Maybe. Probably." I run my hands through my hair. "It's the kind of job she's always wanted. Building a clinic from scratch, training local staff. Real impact."
"Sounds like her kind of thing."
It is. That's what makes this so fucked up.
If this was some random job offer, some lateral move for more money, I'd tell her it was crazy to leave what we have.
But this? This is her calling. Her chance to do the work she was meant to do.
How selfish of an asshole would I have to be to beg her to stay?
"You tell her not to take it?" Tony asks.
"I told her she should take it."
Tony nearly rear-ends the car in front of us, and my butt clenches."You what?"
"I told her she should take it. That she'd be crazy not to consider it seriously."
"Jesus, Reid. Why would you do that?"
Good question. Why did I do that? Because watching her face light up when that doctor described the job made me realize something I didn't want to admit. She wants it. Maybe not more than she wants me, but she wants it. And I don't love that the decision is so hard for her.
"Because I love her," I say.
"That's the dumbest fucking logic I've ever heard."
"Is it? Tony, you should have seen her face when he was describing the job. She lit up. Like, actually lit up." I lean back in my seat. "How can I ask her to give that up for me?"
"Maybe by asking her what she wants instead of deciding for her?"
"I did ask her what she wants."
"Before or after you told her she should take the job?"
After. Definitely after. By the time I asked her what she wanted, I'd already made it clear what I thought she should do.
"Fuck," I mutter.
"Yeah, fuck." Tony turns into the station parking lot. "Reid, how long have you two been together?"
"Almost four months."
"Four months, and you're ready to send her to Honduras for three years?"
When he puts it like that, it sounds insane. But it's not about the timeline. It's about... fuck, I don't know what it's about.
"I don't want to be the reason she doesn't follow her dreams."
"What if you're her dream?"
The question hits me harder than it should. What if I am? What if what we have is worth more to her than any job, no matter how perfect?
But that's the problem, isn't it? I can't know. And if I convince her to stay and she regrets it, that'll poison everything between us.
"I don't know," I admit.
"Well, you better figure it out. Because if she's half as smart as you say she is, she's probably sitting at home right now thinking you just told her to leave."
Christ. Is that what I did? Did I basically break up with her while trying to be supportive?
We pull into the station and start unloading our gear. I'm going through the motions—checking equipment, restocking supplies—but my mind's still on Laine. On the way she looked when I walked out of her apartment. Confused and hurt and alone.
Maybe I should call her. Or text. Just to make sure she knows...
Knows what? That I love her but think she should leave? That I want her to stay but think she should go?
I don't even know what I think anymore.
"Reid?" Walsh appears in the bay doorway. "Your girlfriend's here to see you."
The words take a second to compute, then my heart starts beating faster. Laine's here. She came to find me.
"She's in the break room," Walsh adds with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He figures this is a regular visit. He has no idea my entire future is riding on what happens next.
"Thanks," I manage.
Tony grins and claps me on the shoulder. "Good luck, man."
I walk toward the break room on unsteady legs. She's here. But what does that mean? Is she here to tell me she's taking the job? To say goodbye? To tell me what an asshole I am for basically pushing her away?
Or is she here to tell me something else entirely? Fuck. Please don't let it be that. Don't let her break up with me, but also stay in town. I think I'd lose my fucking mind if she was here, but no longer mine. She is not the kind of woman you move on from.
I push open the break room door and there she is, sitting at the table with her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. Her hair's pulled back in a ponytail, but pieces have escaped and she keeps tucking them behind her ear.
She looks up when I enter, and her eyes are a little red-rimmed like maybe she's been crying. But she's here.
"Hey," I say, suddenly unsure of myself.
"Hey." She stands up, and for a second we just look at each other. "I hope it's okay that I came here. I asked Joyce where your station was."
"Of course it's okay." I step into the room, but I can hear voices in the hallway. The guys trying to be subtle about hanging around. Nosy bastards.
"I've been thinking about what you said," she starts, then stops. Looks toward the door where Brennan just walked past for the second time in thirty seconds. "Is there somewhere we could talk? Privately?"
"Yeah. Let's go outside."
I lead her through the station, very aware of Tony giving me a thumbs up and Walsh trying to look busy while obviously watching us. We walk out to the parking lot, and the late afternoon sun shines on her hair, giving her a golden halo.
Jared. God. Mom. Whoever is up there, please don't let me fuck this up.
Laine leans against my truck, then pushes off and crosses her arms, then uncrosses them and tucks that piece of hair behind her ear again.
"I've been thinking about what you said," she finally says. "About me wanting to go."
My chest tightens. Here it comes. "And?"
"You were right. Part of me does want it." She looks at me, eyes pleading. "The old me would have said yes before he finished explaining the opportunity."
The old me. Like she's someone different now. But people don't really change, do they? Not deep down.
What the fuck am I even saying? I'm not the same punk-nosed kid that followed Blake and Jared into the service. I'm not that hopeful, or that oblivious. All the shit I saw, all the people I've lost changed me.
"But?" I ask, even though I'm not sure I want to hear the answer.
"But you were also wrong about something." Her voice gets stronger. "You said I lit up when he described the job."
"You did."
"Did I? Or did you see what you expected to see?
" Laine steps closer, and I can smell her shampoo.
"Reid, I was terrified during that phone call.
My heart was racing because I was panicking, not because I was excited.
" Her mouth twists slightly. "Okay, maybe I was a little excited. But mostly terrified."
Was I wrong? I keep replaying that moment in the kitchen, watching her face while she talked to Dr. Parker. I was so sure I saw excitement there.
"You looked..." I start, then stop. Maybe I was seeing what I was afraid of seeing.
"I know. And to be fair it took me a little bit of time to figure out how I was feeling myself.
Everything was a jumble. But that look on my face?
It was fear, Baby. Because I realized I have something to lose now.
" Laine's voice cracks slightly. "For the first time in my life, the thought of leaving somewhere made me feel sick instead of excited. "
Fuck. I want to believe her. I want to believe that what we have means more to her than any job. But how can I be sure she won't regret it?
"Laine, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," I say, because I have to. Because someone needs to be rational here. "Building a clinic from scratch, training an entire community's healthcare system. That's not just a job. That's legacy work."
"I know what it is."
"Do you? Because you've spent most of your life traveling. You've spent your entire adult life preparing for exactly this kind of work."
"So what are you saying?" There's an edge to her voice now. "That I should take it?"
That's the million-dollar question, isn't it? What am I saying? That I love her enough to let her go? That I think she'll regret staying? That I don't trust what we have to be enough for her?
Or am I just scared that if I fight for her and she chooses me, someday she'll wake up and realize she made the wrong choice?
"I'm saying..." I run my hands through my hair, trying to find the right words. "I'm saying I don't want to be the reason you don't follow your dreams."
"What if you are my dream?"