Session Eight
SESSION EIGHT
DESERT FLOWER THERAPY
“Why do you think it is you made Gabriel your home?”
I look down at my cherry red fingernails. I don’t like Dr. Ruben’s question. It’s making me think about things I don’t want to think about. “Home is the place where you can relax and be yourself. That’s what Gabriel felt like to me. He was my person.”
“That’s not what you called him,” Dr. Ruben points out. “You called him your home.”
I shrug. “He always took care of me. Comforted me. Loved me. Isn’t that what your partner is supposed to do for you?”
“All relationships are different.”
I frown at his noncommittal response. “What are you really asking?”
“I’m asking why you made Gabriel your home.”
My head shakes. “No, you’re not. You want me to realize I was codependent. Fine.” I hold my arms out to the side and blow out a breath. “I was codependent. I shouldn’t have made Gabriel the end-all be-all when it came to my happiness.”
Dr. Ruben taps the end of his nose with his fingertip three times. “Bingo. Now let’s take it a little further. Why did you make him the end-all be-all when it came to your happiness?”
I know this answer. It’s buried down deep, beneath layers of hurt where I don’t have to look at it too closely. “Because my happiness was not prioritized after my mom died. And I found someone who would make me a priority.”
Dr. Ruben squints and beats back a grin. “There you have it.”
“Let me guess. I’m in control of my happiness, no matter what anyone else says or does.”
Dr. Ruben opens his arms, the silvery hair on his forearm glinting in the overhead light.
He doesn’t say a word, but the motion speaks for itself. Connection made!
“Honestly, Dr. Ruben, why am I even here anymore? I can do this myself.”
He looks at me pointedly. “You know why you’re here.”
Shame hits me square in the chest. I’m not proud of what happened.
Silence descends, and I know he’s waiting for me to speak. I sit back, running my finger along a seam in the couch cushion. “Have you ever been married?”
I’ve noticed his ring finger is bare, but maybe he has a life partner. Maybe he’s been married four times and given up on the idea of finding his soul mate. Or, maybe he doesn’t believe in the institution.
“I was married once.”
“But not anymore?”
He shakes his head, and says no more. It piques my curiosity, but I know better than to push. Especially since this session is supposed to be about me.
“The last time you were here, we talked about you and Gabriel moving in together. Let’s pick up there.”
My mind dips into my memories, and even though it hurts, I smile. For me, there is very little happiness that exists without pain when it comes to Gabriel. “My dad married Lara, and Gabriel came with me to the wedding. Everyone loved him. Even more, they loved how we met. My dad told the story to anybody who would listen. It was like we were extra special because of how we met, and it made him extra special in a third-party way. Cool by association.”
“Did this bother you?”
“Yes, but it didn’t surprise me. My dad enjoys attention.”
Dr. Ruben motions for me to continue.
“I graduated. There was a month between graduation and when I started my clinical hours. Gabriel surprised me with a trip to his grandparent’s place in Palm Springs.” Wistfulness pokes at my chest. This is the easy part to tell. Soaring, head over heels, with no desire to ever stop. It is the best, most beautiful part of our story.
The part where we crashed will be much harder to talk about.