Session Twelve
SESSION TWELVE
DESERT FLOWER THERAPY
“How were things after he returned to work? Did they go back to normal?”
I nibble on the inside of my cheek. ‘Normal’ is a relative term. “He seemed ok. As ok as anyone can be, in that situation. He wasn’t as pleasant to be around.” I grind the toe of my shoe into the carpet as I think about what I’m saying. “He used to tease me a lot, in a good-natured sort of way. Flirtatious. That stopped, but it eventually started happening again. He needed a lot of time when he arrived home after a shift, like he had to transition to life outside the station. He didn’t tell me that’s what was happening, but it’s what it looked like from the outside.”
“And the alcohol?”
My lower lip trembles. “I’d thought we’d escaped with just those two instances of Gabriel drinking. I was stupid.”
Dr. Ruben grimaces. “It became a common occurrence?”
“Yes.” My hands form fists, and I press them into my thighs. “I participated, at first. It was kind of if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em .” Derision sharpens my tone. “I didn’t know what else to do, and I thought it was better than him drinking alone.” My gaze falls sideways. I can’t look Dr. Ruben in the eye. “I kept telling myself it was a season. That it would pass. It was the grief. But it was every night when he wasn’t working. I began finding him passed out in odd places. The backyard. In his truck in the driveway, with the door wide open.” A sting of betrayal hits my heart. Am I betraying Gabriel by admitting these things?
“How did he treat you when he was drinking?”
My head shakes quickly, racing ahead of my words to dispel the real question behind Dr. Ruben’s query. “Gabriel never hurt me.”
Dr. Ruben makes a face, but schools it immediately.
“He didn’t,” I insist.
“People can hurt one another in different ways.” Dr. Ruben spins his gold ring in one complete revolution. “You said you drank with him, at first?”
“It made me feel awful, so I stopped.”
“And Gabriel?”
“I asked him to stop with me.”
“And?”
“He didn’t.”
Dr. Ruben waits patiently for me to dive in.
I take a deep breath. This is it. The beginning of the end.