Chapter 18
CHAPTER 18
Every summer, Joseph closes the practice for two weeks. I asked Gabriel to ask for time off for a vacation, thinking we needed a change of scenery. Something fresh, and new. He said other people were already taking vacation, and he couldn’t.
So this brochure of a resort in St. Lucia that Gabriel handed me a moment ago? I’m still in shock.
I stare at the printed picture with the glossy turquoise water and the woven lounge chairs. I can already feel the warm sand between my toes, even as they’re pressed against our jersey bedsheets. More than that, I feel hope surging in my heart. This could be it. Our chance to turn things around. Maybe we can get back to who we once were. Salt water cures all ills, right?
Gabriel beams with pride at having pulled off this surprise. “We leave in four days.”
A tremor of excitement ripples through me. It’s the first good feeling I’ve had about Gabriel in a while, so I grab ahold of it and let it run rampant. I roll up onto my knees and wave the picture in the air. “I need to go swimsuit shopping,” I yell, bouncing.
Gabriel laughs and tackles me. My legs widen to make room for him to lie between them. He rests his chin between my breasts and gazes at me.
“Six nights, seven days.” His voice drops low, washing over me. “We can do whatever you want. We can lie on a beach chair and not move the entire time. Or we can do a glass-bottom boat. Or a catamaran. Or the market in Castries.”
I run my fingernails over his scalp, and his eyes flutter closed. He loves when I do this. “How about a little of it all?” I ask.
His eyes are still closed. “Sounds perfect.”
“We’ve been saving for a trip like this for a while.”
One eye opens. He knows what I’m getting at. “We have enough.”
I raise my eyebrows. He laughs. “Ok, maybe not enough enough, but almost enough.”
“Why now? Why not wait until we can pay for it in full?”
Gabriel sighs, his warm breath streaming against my chest. He’s quiet for so long I think maybe he’s not going to answer, but then he says, “I wanted to do something great for you. I know I haven’t been great lately.”
He turns his head to the side and lays it on my chest. I adjust my gaze too, and watch him pick at a piece of lint on our sheets.
It makes me feel bad to watch him feel bad. I rub his back, my knuckles kneading his muscles. “For better or worse, remember?”
“I’d like to spend more time in the better category than we have been.”
How much should I say? How can I tell him it hurts my heart when I kiss him and taste vapors? That I watch him surreptitiously place a hand against a surface to steady himself, or I listen to him speak and try not to wince when he slurs.
He’s not hiding it, per se, because he tells me when he’s meeting his friends for a drink, but it would be hard to form an argument that he isn’t keeping it away from me.
Gabriel rolls off me, but takes me with him. I push up so I’m sitting astride him.
“I love you, baby.” His voice rings with conviction. “With everything I have.”
“I know.” I really do know, but I’ve been considering if there may be other times when something is more powerful than love.
Addiction.
It’s a word I’ve yet to say out loud; I can hardly think it without cringing. “I love you the same way.”
“No more meeting the guys when we’re off-shift. I’m going to stop drinking.” Gabriel takes my hands and holds them between us. “That’s what this trip is. It’s my promise to you.” The setting sun sends hot pinks and fiery oranges streaming through our window, lighting up Gabriel’s face.
I’m both taken aback and encouraged that he’s the one who brought it up. And that confidence in his voice? It’s in his eyes, the set of his cheekbones, it forms a halo around him. He means every word.
“I don’t doubt you will.” My voice holds all my confidence, too. Relief washes through me, and it isn’t until I’m submerged that I realize how worried I’ve been. How lonely. Survival mode pushed those feelings aside.
His head falls into the pillow, and he speaks to the ceiling. “You know this is going to be our best trip ever, right?”
“I’m certain of it.” I glance at the brochure, rumpled now from where I laid on it when Gabriel tackled me. We only need to get there, to the white sand and blue water. Everything will be better after that.
Gabriel’s standing at the airport desk, talking to the employee at our gate. Our plane departs in one hour, and I’m waiting for Gabriel so we can go into the little store by the restrooms. I need candy and a magazine for the flight.
I'm not sure why he's talking to her. He'd been sitting beside me when he squeezed my hand, whispered he’d be right back, and walked away.
He’s turning around now, looking at me and smiling. The attendant does the same, adding a small wave. My automatic response is to mirror her.
Gabriel says one more thing to her, and she laughs. She looks far happier than any of the other attendants, and I don’t know if that’s due to her personality, or Gabriel.
“What was that about?” I ask when Gabriel comes walking over.
He rubs his hands together in excitement. “We’ve been upgraded to first class.”
My mouth opens. “What? How?”
“I asked her if there was room. She said there were two seats available, and when she told me how much it would be to upgrade, I said never mind. Then she said she might let the cost slide if I told her how we met. She said it had to be a good story.” He chuckles. “So I told her how we met.”
“That’s in-sane.” I singsong the second word.
“Yep. I even told her she could look us up on the internet. I told her there’d be two articles she could read about us.”
Domenica did a follow up on our wedding, but her first article is my favorite.
“And did she?”
He nods. “I watched her type our names into the search bar on her phone. She got really excited after that.”
“Aww.” I grip the back of his neck with one hand. “You’re the best.”
Nine hours later and one stop in Miami, our plane is descending over the turquoise waters of St. Lucia.
By the time we get to the van sent by the resort to collect guests, I’m high on life. The air is thick, sultry, so moist I think maybe I could swipe a cupped hand through it and capture water droplets. I tuck away my passport, freshly stamped for the first time in my life, and lean over Gabriel’s lap to watch the scenery as we pass. Gabriel tugs at my waist, lifting me up and over as he slides left, giving up his window seat.
The high continues. We’re shown to our room, but it’s not a room at all. It’s detached, a single structure, and it’s bigger than our home in Phoenix. I don’t think we’re in the right place.
“Excuse me?” Gabriel says to the man carrying in our luggage. “I booked a standard room.”
The man smiles. “This room was available, so they bumped you up.”
Gabriel and I turn wide eyes on each other. His cheeks quake as he holds in his response, and I feel my own cheeks trembling.
As soon as the bellman is gone, we lose our cool.
“Holy shit,” I yell, as Gabriel spins me around. He throws his head back, disbelieving laughter pours from him.
I peer down at him, my gaze sliding as he lowers my feet to the floor. “Did you have something to do with this, too?”
He shakes his head. “This is not my work.”
“It must be our lucky day.” The universe wants the best for us. I can feel it. We went off the rails, but our cart is now righted.
Gabriel’s hand slips gently over my throat. His hungry gaze digs into me, and we shed our clothes with record speed.
After, when we’re in the bathroom unpacking toiletries, Gabriel lifts one item out of the pile I’ve dumped on the counter.
He flips the small disc of plastic between two fingers, eyes on my reflection in the mirror. “What do you think about not taking these anymore?”
I stare at him. The surprises of the day aren't slowing.
“You’re serious?”
He nods.
“Are we ready?” Having a baby has never been an ‘if’ but a ‘when,’ and maybe this is what Gabriel needs. A life to care for, a child to love and raise. He needs to see the world is bigger than his grief, that it needs more from him.
He nods again. “I’ve been talking to some of the guys at work about it. According to them, you’re never really ready, even when you think you are.” He takes my hand, dropping his attention from my reflection and on to me. “Let’s do it. Let’s jump.”
Momentous. That’s what this is. One day I’ll look back on this very second, this tiny blip in time when we decided our future.
“Yes.” I nod so vigorously my hair tickles my cheeks. I’m laughing and crying. This is our fresh start. We made it through.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
Gabriel has recommitted to our life. He has left behind what hurts him, and us. He has chosen me.
I watched him decline a mimosa on the plane and a fruity welcome drink when we arrived here.
Everything is good.
So good.
Smooth sailing, from here on out.
Gabriel kisses me. “Best. Trip. Ever.”