Chapter 20
CHAPTER 20
GAbrIEL
I use my key to let us in the back door at work.
My mom shuffles her feet, hesitating. “Is this ok, Gabriel?”
“I used a key, Mom. I think that means I’m allowed to be here.” Instantly I feel bad for my sarcasm. I’m on edge, knowing what I’m about to do. “Follow me,” I say, leading the way to Camryn’s arch. “This is for a wedding.” I pull off the sheet, and step aside. If I tell them this is Camryn’s arch, it will invite questions about Avery. Me seeing her here in Sugar Creek isn’t a secret, but telling them will only end up with questions that don’t have answers.
My mom circles the arch, her hand hovering an inch above the wood. My dad stays in place, studying one portion of it before moving on to another.
“This is stunning,” my mom says appreciatively. “Look at all the detail.” To her credit, she looks like she means it. It’s her stiff posture that communicates she still doesn’t understand why I want to be here, in this room that smells of sawdust and glaze. She peers around the wood shop. “I still can’t believe you left Phoenix to come all the way up here. You’re an assistant to the owner? Why?”
“I’m—”
“Gabriel!” Joel comes from behind us. He’s smiling at my parents, his hand already out for introductions. He makes them himself, pumping my parents' hands enthusiastically.
“What are you doing here on your day off?” he asks me.
“Just wanted to show my parents where I work.” What I really mean is, I wanted to show them I fucked up, but I’m not a fuck-up. I’ve been seeing myself that way for too long, and I have to show them it’s not ok for them to, either.
It has to start with me. That’s what I decided on my way over here, driving alone as my parents followed.
“You must be so proud of Gabriel,” Joel says, smiling and nodding.
My mom smiles tightly and lies through her teeth. “We are very proud of him.” My dad echoes my mom. Joel must pick up on the insincerity, because he steps over to the arch.
It’s the biggest piece in the shop right now, and the most impressive. He raps two knuckles against one pillar, the sound staying close by because the wood is solid. “He has more talent in his pinky finger than I have in my whole body. I couldn’t have made this into half of what you see here.”
My mom’s eyes widen. “You didn’t make that?” she asks Joel.
He shakes his hands and rolls back onto the balls of his feet. “No way. That’s far beyond my artistic abilities. This piece is Gabriel’s work.”
“Gabriel…you made this?” Her astonishment sends pride coursing through me, with a vein of irritation nestled in there, too.
“That’s my work, Mom.”
My dad clears his throat, shifting from foot to foot. “I didn’t realize you could make something like this, Gabriel.”
Joel pats my back. “The kid is good at many things. Let me show you these coasters he made.” He waves at my parents, urging them to walk with him. I follow behind, listening to Joel tell them about the first time he saw me with my burn tools. “I watched him for a full five minutes. Couldn’t say a damn word, I was so fascinated by it.” He picks up the set of coasters.
“My grandson added these to our social media, and it’s been blowing up with comments. People are asking where they can order these, and I don’t have a damn link yet. I don’t like missing out on sales.” Joel glances at the door that leads to the reception area. “He’s supposed to meet me here to add them to my online store, but he’s late.”
Joel hands the coasters to my mom. She studies them. Her eyebrows lift at the one with Avery’s monogram. Previous monogram .
I shrug one-shouldered at her look, and a corner of her mouth lifts.
“Anyway,” Joel says, “I have work to do in my office while I wait for Mason. It was nice to meet you both. I hope to see you again.”
My parents say goodbye, and then it’s the three of us once more.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were this talented?” My mom sounds disappointed, but I don’t think it’s directed at me.
“Gabriel,” my dad says my name gruffly, and then nothing else.
I ran into fires with him. Obeyed his commands. We risked our lives together, always knowing that even if we followed protocol and did our best, things could go sideways. Where are his words now? Why do they escape him?
I look at the ground, gathering my courage, then meet my mother’s gaze. “The better question is, why didn’t you notice? I bet you already know the answer.”
Tears well up in her eyes, but they don’t deter me. She’ll be ok if she hears my truth. If Avery can do it, I can too.
“I’m not Nash.” My hands tuck into my pockets, and my shoulders wind up, hovering near my ears. “I’ve tried, but I’ll never be the person he was going to be. I can only be me. If you don’t want to accept that, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Gabriel,” my dad starts, the admonishing tone light but still present. “We never?—”
“Yes, you did. Nash was the one who was going to follow in your footsteps. He was going to be the son you could brag about. Then he died, and I tried to fill his shoes. It was wrong of me to do it, and it was wrong of you to let me.” I gesture around at the room. “This is me. This is what I love to do. I am still recovering from the worst choice of my life, but I’m getting there. I’m done trying to give you the son you lost.” I point at myself. “I’m the son you have.”
One loud sob escapes my mom. She covers it quickly, and my dad grabs her, pulling her in. He kisses the side of her head, whispering, “It’s ok, Corinne,” in her ear.
I feel bad. Not because I’ve hurt her, but because she still can’t hear Nash’s name without losing it. I turn for the door. My parents can see themselves out.
“Gabriel,” my mother says when I’m halfway there. I stop, but I don’t turn around. I look down at my shoes, the laces blurring. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish there wasn’t a little boy living inside me, wanting only for his parents to love him for who he is.
She touches my shoulder, stepping in front of me. I’m bigger than her, and taller than her, but she folds me into her body like I’m a child again. “I’m sorry,” she says. She says it two more times, her voice a whisper. I close my eyes, and then there’s a palm on my back. My dad. It’s the only form of apology he’s capable of.
“We love you, Gabriel. We love the person you are. We don’t need you to be”—she gulps—“Nash. Just be yourself from now on.”
They hug me again after that. I catch movement from the sliver of Joel’s office window that’s visible from here.
“We’d better get going,” my dad says, voice gruff.
I walk them out to the RV they’ve rented for their road trip. My heart feels lighter, though I know better than to think a few words can sweep away years of hurt. All journeys begin with a single step, and that was ours.
“I’m driving down to the valley next week to deliver that arch.” We stop in front of the vehicle. “It’s for Camryn. Avery’s sister.”
Mom’s eyes light up. “Is that right? Do you think you’ll get to see Avery?”
“Maybe.” A flicker of hope swells in my chest.
“You should try,” she says, nodding quickly, “I mean, if you want to. If you think that’s what is best for you.”
I try not to smile at her attempt to stay out of my business. “We’ll see. Enjoy your trip.”
She hugs me goodbye and goes around to the passenger side. My dad waits for her to be out of earshot, then says, “If you want to leave your relationship with Avery in the past, that’s your business. But if you don’t…” He lays a heavy hand on my shoulder. “Don’t let anything stop you from going after what you want. You deserve to be happy. Whatever that means for you.”
I nod once, swallowing back my emotion. My first non-fire related piece of advice from my dad. Better late than never.
“One more thing,” he says, patting my shoulder. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this, but a bunch of the old crew is getting together to honor Ryan. They’re doing Pat’s Run. Matching shirts, all that. They asked about you. Told me to invite you.”
“I’ll consider it.” Am I ready for all that? To see the guys again?
He climbs into the large vehicle, and with a last wave from my mom, they lumber down the road.