CHAPTER 13 - OATMEAL
Oatmeal
CHAPTER thirteen
David barely survived the podium ceremony. By the time he sipped his champagne, the world was spinning, as if he could feel the true speed of the rotating earth beneath him. Finlay kept an arm around him for way too long after dousing him in champagne, but David didn’t have the strength to refuse the help. They smiled for the cameras, then David handed off his champagne bottle to Aiden and made a beeline for his room in the hospitality motorhome.
His pounding headache reached all the way down the back of his neck, throbbing in time with his heartbeat and cinching his bones. He stumbled into his driver room in complete agony.
Kyle had left oatmeal for him, still warm from catering. David shoveled it down, too hungry to care about the calories. At least he could taste that it was made with water, so the damage wouldn’t be too bad.
David didn’t remember finishing his oatmeal or lying down, but the next thing he knew, he was blinking awake to someone pounding on the door. His phone vibrated underneath his couch cushion, right under his cheek.
“S’there?” he slurred, fighting the tingling sensation of blood rushing to his head at he sat up. He blinked, but darkness still fogged at the edges of his vision.
The pounding stopped. “It’s me.”
Noah.
David clambered from the couch, his weak limbs collapsing as he tried once, then twice, to stand. He hauled himself up with the door handle and unlocked it.
Noah shoved the door open and pulled David into a tight hug that made pain explode behind David’s eyes.
He must have made a noise because Noah pulled back just as quickly. “Oh my god, did I hurt you?”
“Noah,” David slurred instead, touching his face. He looked so, so good. His skin was a beautiful honeyed color, and his dark lashes framed his brown eyes like something out of a magazine. He smelled the same—like fresh laundry and summertime. His tousled curls made David want to run his fingers through them. He was so fucking handsome.
“I missed you so much,” David whispered.
Having Noah so close made him ache with relief. They had so much to catch up on, and they needed to reacquaint their bodies. David wanted to spend all week leading up to Texas with him—he didn’t even care what they did.
“I missed you too,” Noah replied, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes.
David leaned in to kiss him, but Noah pulled away.
David’s fairytale came crashing down in an instant. Cold fear and a torrent of self-disgust washed through him as he realized what had happened. He’d failed. The look in Noah’s eyes—the horror—confirmed everything. All of his work to diet, train, and be the best driver in the series hadn’t worked. Noah’s imaginary version of him didn’t match up to the ugly, putrid corpse standing in front of him.
Finlay probably warned him. Finlay probably laid the groundwork for a breakup by mentioning David’s inability to keep standing after his win. No one wanted to be with a washed-up driver.
“Sorry,” David breathed, suddenly ashamed.
“Sorry?” Noah gaped at him. “Sorry? I saw you in pictures and thought maybe you were sick and didn’t tell me, but—holy fuck, David. Holy fuck.”
If you lost the weight you were supposed to lose, he’d be happy to see you , David thought. His skin crawled, but he didn’t have the physical strength to pull away.
“I’m so sorry,” David said, stumbling over the words. He didn’t know what else to say.
“Stop saying that,” Noah said, thumbing his face. More specifically, thumbing the fat on his face. “You have nothing to be sorry about. What have you eaten since the race?”
Sparks showered in David’s vision as he tried to comprehend the question. What the fuck did food have to do with this?
“Oatmeal,” he said faintly.
“That’s it?” Noah asked. “Just oatmeal?”
“My diet is really limited,” David said. “I can’t eat much—I can’t mess up my macros.”
Noah blinked at him. “Your macros?”
“Yes. Protein, fat, carbs—”
“I know what macros are,” Noah said, cutting him off.
David shrank. His father had taught him how to read negative body language better than most. Noah was disappointed in him. David didn’t understand why—Kyle explained everything to him. He’d followed every single rule and had gone the extra mile to cut out even more food. He’d thought he looked better, but it wasn’t enough. Noah had high standards—he should have thought about that.
Noah kissed his temple, but it didn’t feel good. “Let’s go home and get you cleaned up, okay? I’ll make some mac, and we can talk about this.”
David shook his head. “I can’t eat mac ’n’ cheese.” Noah looked like he was going to cry. David grabbed his forearms, holding him gently. “But maybe I can cheat a few bites, okay?”
Noah rested their foreheads together. David nuzzled against him, trying to will something positive into their reunion. Didn’t Noah know he’d won the race?
“It’s only been six weeks,” Noah choked out. “How did you lose this much weight in six weeks, David?”
“I tried really hard,” David bit out. “I know it’s not enough, but I’m fucking trying.”
“Not enough?” Noah made a sound of anguish and carefully guided David back to his couch. “This is an eating disorder. This is way too much.”
David bristled, but his rage burned out as quickly as it came. He wanted so badly to sleep. “I’m not a fucking girl. I don’t have an eating disorder.”
Eating disorder? Fucking hell. He’d made up seconds of time today because of his weight. Girls stopped eating to be prettier. He was doing it because his job required it—he wasn’t trying to be a fucking model. He was just trying to lose fat, which he needed to lose anyway. The appearance stuff was just a bonus.
“Food is good for you,” Noah said gently. He searched David’s face like there was something wrong, and that made David feel even worse. “You need food—you need a lot of food when you’re a driver. You can’t ask your body to endure racing with only a bowl of oatmeal.”
“You haven’t seen the improvement in my lap times,” David hissed. “This is working. It’s good for the team. If I wasn’t doing everything to maximize the car, I’d be where Jacob was: off the podium. Instead, I won. How can you tell me that’s bad?”
Not to mention how much better he looked. His muscle was actually visible now, not hidden behind layers of flub. His physique was starting to look more like Noah’s, and once he lost his final ten pounds, he’d look like he should.
“You can barely stand,” Noah said. “You fell asleep in here when you should be out celebrating with the team.”
“I can’t act like a rookie. I’m champion.”
A thousand insults jumped to his tongue, ready to spew from his mouth to get Noah to stop picking on him, but he knew that was his father’s influence talking. Noah loved him; he was just confused. He just didn’t understand.
“You’re my favorite person in the whole world,” Noah said, rubbing his thigh. His fat, bulbous thigh. “Why did you hide this from me?”
“New hot bod,” David murmured.
Noah flinched as if struck. “Oh, David.”
David’s throat closed at the devastation that appeared on Noah’s face. So much for a joyous homecoming. So much for spending all night wrapped up in each other. Instead, David smelled like stale sweat and body odor, still wearing the clothes he’d raced in, with oatmeal crusted to the front of his Nomex. The only adjective anyone had used to describe him today was corpselike. Noah deserved someone so much better than him.
“I’m gonna take care of you,” Noah said, thumbing his fat again. “Can I make up for my stupidity and give you a kiss?”
Bile rose in David’s throat at the thought of forcing Noah to kiss his disgusting lips. “Later.”
He fished his phone from under the couch cushion to see half a dozen calls from Noah and a barrage of texts from people all over the world, congratulating him on his win.
Right. It was still race day.
******
“Don’t move from here until this is gone,” Noah said a few hours later. Traffic had been terrible getting out of the circuit, but at least David didn’t have to drive. He slept through most of the trip anyway; he was so tired he couldn’t move. Noah let him sleep and covered him with a jacket to use as a blanket.
Now they were back in David’s apartment, and David had taken up residence on his couch. Noah set a can of all-natural ginger ale and a banana on the side table. David cringed at the thought of how much sugar was in the ginger ale, but Noah had peeled the label off, so he couldn’t check.
“I’m not hungry,” David said.
“I know,” Noah said softly. “You need to eat, though. After this, we’ll get you cleaned up and in bed. Do you want a smoothie instead? I can make a really good one with peanut butter.”
David shook his head immediately. Peanut butter used to be his favorite source of protein, but now he saw it as slimy, sodium-covered fat.
“Did this start with your trainer?” Noah asked.
David slumped over on the couch instead of answering. Kyle wasn’t at fault here. In fact, Kyle deserved a trophy for showing him how much he’d neglected himself.
******
David woke to the soft sounds of the marina at night. An evening breeze blew through the open windows, and the whole apartment smelled clean and fresh. David realized with a grimace that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d cleaned the place. Training had taken up so much of his time that he’d simply forgotten about it.
The banana and the bottle of ginger ale still sat on the side table, untouched. The TV was on but silent, playing an old black-and-white movie.
“How do you feel?” Noah asked, and David jerked in surprise as he realized he had his legs draped over Noah’s thighs.
He used to dream about moments like this. In the weeks before their first kiss, David had soothed himself to sleep by imagining lazy afternoons on the couch with Noah. He played through about a thousand scenarios from fucking to flirting, each one more of a victory than the last as David charmed racing’s heartthrob with witty banter and lingering touches. Maybe that was how David had so much confidence back then—his dream self never put a foot wrong, so how could he mess it up?
Thankfully, Noah found his blunders adorable and his unflinching confidence as a turn-on even when it made David look like an idiot.
“How long did I sleep?” David croaked, trailing a finger up Noah’s chest with the finesse of a dying bird. Noah extended him the water he was drinking. David took it, but then handed it back when he felt how cold the glass was. His stomach would take cold water like a kick in the gut.
Noah leaned over him, so close that David could smell his own rancid breath blowing back in his face. His stomach turned with equal parts disgust and embarrassment, but he couldn’t find the strength to get up to brush his teeth.
“Here, baby,” Noah said, handing him the lukewarm ginger ale, already open.
Salty, bitter, sugary ginger ale filled David’s mouth, dazzling his deprived tastebuds. It was flat and room temperature, which was exactly what he needed. He sucked down more, ignoring when a drop slid down his chin onto his neck. Noah wiped it off, watching him closely. David let him watch on the off chance that he thought this was attractive.
He panted when he pulled the bottle away a few moments later, suddenly starving for both food and for Noah.
“Noah,” he said hoarsely, moving to sit up, but he was still too fucking weak. He flopped back onto the couch.
Noah moved over, tucking himself between David’s body and the back of the couch. He was warm and sturdy and everything David wanted. He searched out Noah’s warmth, tucking his face into Noah’s neck.
It felt like he should be dreaming still. Having Noah this close, caring for him, ignoring his racing to be here with him—it was like a movie, but it was real life.
“New rule,” Noah said low in his ear. “We’re never doing long distance for more than two weeks ever again.”
David opened his mouth to reply, but everything went black before he could speak.
******
This time, David woke up in his own bed in his own clothes. His skin was still caked in dry sweat and crusty from salt, but at least his clothes smelled fresh. Morning light filtered in through the blinds, but David could tell it was cloudy out.
“Noah?” he called.
Noah appeared in the doorway in an instant. “I’m right here. How did you sleep?”
God, David had forgotten how handsome he was in the mornings. Sleepy, messy hair, unencumbered by Los Angeles judgement.
David didn’t remember what his sleep had been like. “It was good,” he decided to say. He figured if it had been bad, he would feel it.
Noah’s lips twitched into a half-smile. “How about a breakfast smoothie? Top secret recipe. I stole it from Finlay after his first championship. He credits it for his win at Watkins that year.”
“Okay,” David said, to make Noah happy. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Shaky but stable. “I’m going to shower.”
“I think a bath would be better,” Noah said. “A shower will hurt your bruises.”
David blinked slowly. Of course, Noah had seen his bruises. It wasn’t like David had changed his own clothes. He looked away, embarrassed. There was Noah Caparelli, voted one of the hottest men on the planet, standing there looking at him. David didn’t want to know what thoughts had gone through Noah’s head when he saw his naked body, bruised and bloated and still covered in stubborn fat.
“I’d love to join you,” Noah offered, leaning against the threshold. “I owe you some lovin’, I think.”
David curled his lip in disgust. “You don’t owe me anything, Noah. I owe you. I’m sorry you had to see this—I think the race just affected me differently than expected. My heat training didn’t go well, but I thought the race day stuff would make that go away. I guess that was stupid.”
“What if I really, really want to take a bath with you?” Noah asked, ignoring him.
David thought back to last season, when he’d helped Noah take a bath after the crash that almost killed him. David couldn’t think about that incident too close to race day, or he started worrying. He never wanted to see Noah like that again. He’d been close to losing the love of his life that day, and at that point, Noah didn’t even know how much David still loved him.
Your fatness shouldn’t get in the way of what Noah wants , he told himself. If Noah wanted to take a bath with him, David had no right to say no. He knew he should be counting his lucky stars that Noah hadn’t walked out the second he saw how disgusting his body had become.
“Okay,” David said. He ran his hands through his hair and sat up. “Hey—the doors are locked, right?”
“Of course,” Noah said. “You’re safe here. We can talk about that once you’re cleaned up.”
“You didn’t see Klaus at the race, right?” David asked, suddenly worried. “He didn’t see that you’re here?”
Noah offered him a comforting smile. “You’d know if I saw him. It’d be all over the news, and I’d be in jail.”
David shot him a half-smile, even though worry knotted in his gut. Noah had no idea Klaus already had his choice of weapon. Noah had taken boxing classes, but fists didn’t compare to a baseball bat.
David stood and wobbled his way out of his clothes on the way to the bathroom. He avoided looking down at himself as he started the bathwater. Noah entered the bathroom shirtless, all tanned muscle and gorgeous ink. David wished his lips weren’t chapped to hell so he could kiss Noah’s perfect body.
“Like what you see?” Noah teased, stepping up to him to curl a finger under his chin. “I missed you.”
David smiled. “I missed you too,” he rasped.
Noah’s eyes trailed over his face, taking him in. Heat rose to David’s cheeks as if to point out how much fat he still had there. Noah leaned in, so David asked the question he knew would stop the kiss before it came.
“Did Caroline find out about this?” he asked abruptly.
Sure enough, Noah pulled back. “No. It’s none of her business,” he said in an unreadable tone. “Jacob was freaking out, but Finlay talked to him. I’m pretty sure Jacob thinks you just wanted to jump my bones.”
David reached out to rest his hand on Noah’s hip but dropped it to his side before he could touch. He didn’t deserve to touch Noah’s body when his own was a corpse.
“I do want to jump your bones,” David said with a weak smile. He stepped away to brush his teeth, and Noah grabbed the bag of Epsom salt David kept near the tub to help with soreness. Well, that was what he used to use it for. Now, he used it to suck the water weight from his body before weigh-ins.
Mint toothpaste washed the nastiness out of his mouth, and washing his face made him feel like a different person by the time Noah shut off the bathwater.
He could feel Noah watching him, and when he looked in the mirror, Noah’s kind eyes were over his shoulder just before warm arms wrapped around him from behind. David let his gaze wander Noah’s tattoo sleeve, carefully avoiding looking at his own body.
David turned to face his boyfriend, suddenly terrified that Noah was going to abandon his idea of bathing together. “It’s just temporary,” he found himself saying before he could think. “Once I’m down ten more pounds, I won’t have any of this.” He pulled at the fat on his hips, trying not to feel sick with how easy it was to grab. “I had no idea it got so bad. I promise, I didn’t mean it. I promise I—”
“I love you, David,” Noah said firmly, his dark eyes full of affection. “I don’t want you to lose more weight. I want to eat pink frosted donuts with you, and have cappuccinos to wash them down, and drink orange juice in the morning after we spend all night having sex. I think you’re so hot. Literally no one is as hot to me as you are. I don’t even think other people are hot anymore because I’m so attracted to you.”
“The before me,” David corrected. “Last season me.”
Noah shook his head. “No. You. The you standing right in front of me, who was two thousand miles away until yesterday. My love for you has nothing to do with your weight or how you look.”
David shook his head. “Don’t lie to me.”
“Woah, how shallow do you think I am?” Noah teased, but David heard a shred of truth in his tone.
“It’s not shallow to want to be attracted to your boyfriend,” David said. “I know I kind of… I know I’m not like I was.”
Noah kissed his brow bone. He kept it chaste enough that David didn’t have time to tense. “David, I fell in love with you before you knew you could buy shampoo that costs more than four dollars. Watching you flirt should have made me run the other way. Instead, I fell for you even harder. Everything you do is attractive to me—but not when you’re hurting yourself.”
David put up a hand. He couldn’t take it if Noah called him ugly, and they were nearing that every second. “Let’s get in the bath. No more talking about weight.”
Noah nodded. “Okay, deal. On one condition: I get to be big spoon this time.”
David rolled his eyes, but he was already looking forward to being in Noah’s arms again. “Fine.”