Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Zinnia lay still, afraid to move and break the spell. Friday night she’d had sex with Monty. Tonight, she’d made love with him. Big difference. For the first time in her life, she got it.
This cowboy she’d just met had made love with his whole body and soul. He’d cherished her. He’d delighted in her lusty spirit. She’d been seen.
He was also madly in love with her. And she with him. But love wasn’t enough, not when a five-year-old was in the mix.
Kissing her gently on her forehead, he looked into her eyes, his gaze warm. “You’re wonderful.”
Even if he didn’t say the words, they hovered in the air, a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. “You, too.”
“Gotta take care of—”
“I know.” She unwound her legs from his. “You’re free to go.” Her breath hitched. Was this the end? Kenny Rogers’ voice echoed in her ears. Was the dealing done?
Maybe. She wasn’t accomplished in the art of saying goodbye.
Was this the right time, after lovemaking so amazing it had almost been a spiritual experience? Should they end on a high note rather than chance having things go downhill from here?
Trouble was, she wanted to find out if his grandma had paid him a visit and if so, how the family had reacted to the news that they weren’t pursuing this relationship. Once she left his cottage, her chances of having a private conversation with him would be limited.
Propping a pillow against the headboard, she sat up. Did she want to make love again? Yes, of course. Always. But….
They ran the risk of letting sadness creep in the next time. They’d successfully blocked it so far, but how long before it overshadowed the pleasure?
“When I left you were smiling. Now you’re frowning. What’s up?”
She watched him walk over to the bed and her heart stuttered. So beautiful. So out of reach. If he’d had some big announcement about a change of heart he would have made it before they climbed into this bed.
Or not. He might broach it now. Had she been secretly hoping she’d arrive and discover he’d had an epiphany? Sure looked like it.
If he had changed his mind, she’d still be wary of diving into a relationship that was in full view of his family. And Tex. But she’d at least consider it.
She sucked in a breath. “I was just wondering if you’d talked with your grandmother?”
“Yes. This morning.” He laid a pillow against the headboard, got in and leaned against it. Then he reached for her hand and gazed at her. “Are you worried about how my family’s reacting to us nipping this in the bud?”
He hadn’t changed his mind. The bubble of hope she’d allowed to grow burst, leaving icky, sticky emotions behind. “I guess. Uncle Graham says it won’t change the way they think about me and Tex. And Mari, when she eventually meets them.”
“It won’t.” He squeezed her hand. “If anything, they’re probably wondering what’s wrong with me, backing away from a beautiful woman and an adorable kid.”
“You haven’t talked to anyone else?”
“Not yet. It may be coming. Grandma and I sat out on the porch. She wanted us to be seen since she was the official representative from the family. They’ll go to her first.”
“You think they’ll be upset with you?”
“I doubt it. Disappointed, maybe.”
He didn’t deserve that. “Look, I’m the one who started this. I’ll bet you didn’t share that with your grandmother.”
“No, and I won’t. Not with her, or anyone. You were ready to leave, but I knocked myself out convincing you to stay. Even talked you into showing up tonight. We created this situation together.”
“Okay, but they need to give you credit for having valid concerns about how our situation would affect Tex. That’s realistic on your part. Wise, even.”
He snorted and glanced away. “My grandma thinks I’m more scared than wise.”
“It’s perfectly normal to be scared. All you wanted was fun and games. Then suddenly you’re expected to make life-changing decisions.”
A muscle in his jaw tightened. “Thank you for that, but—”
“Seriously, I get why you don’t want to suddenly take on a mom and her kid.”
Dragging in a breath, he turned to face her. “My grandma’s right. I’m terrified. I’m not a good bet, Zinnia. I could really screw things up for you.”
“If you say so.” She could argue the point, but she’d be going against her own advice. Never talk a man into marriage or fatherhood. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.
His attention shifted to the desk with the family pictures on it.
“There are so many ways I could get it wrong. Spend too much time on my career and mess up as a father. Spend too much time being a father and sabotage my career. Make sure I excel at both and ignore you. Or, and this is the scenario that freaks me out the most — I could push myself to be great at everything and end up like my father, dying in my fifties.”
“What?”
“My dad was an overachiever. They used to call them Type-A personalities and they’re usually men. They’re determined to be good at everything they take on. That tendency’s particularly dangerous if heart problems run in the family.”
“You have a heart problem?” She pressed a hand to her chest. “Why didn’t you say—”
“I don’t have one now, but I’m genetically predisposed, something I tend to ignore. At least I think I ignore it, but I may be kidding myself about that.”
“What about Adam? Is he worried about this?”
“I don’t know. Haven’t discussed it with him. My grandma suggested I do that. For all I know he’s decided against having kids to make it easier on Tracy if he follows the pattern.”
“Is there a pattern?”
He nodded. “My grandfather and great-grandfather also died of heart attacks in their mid-fifties.” He glanced at her. “Until now, I’ve shoved all of this to the back of my mind.”
She struggled to absorb what he was saying. “Am I the one that stirred it all up, then?”
“You did.” He let go of her hand and cupped her face. “And I don’t regret anything. Well, that’s not true. I regret I can’t be the man you and Tex need.”
“But what if you could beat the odds?” The minute the words popped out, she wanted them back. She was not going down that road.
“What if I can’t?”
And there it was. He’d convinced himself the stakes were too high. The game was over.