Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
When it came to grocery shopping during the Christmas season, Cole had become so good at ignoring the music and decorations that he’d already navigated the Mustang Valley Market several times this month without breaking a sweat.
But he’d never enjoyed the process of buying food for himself regardless of the time of year. Having Mila along dramatically changed the program for the better.
He ended up checking out with a cart full of colorful veggies he never would have bought on his own — carrots maybe, but red beets, broccoli and sweet potatoes? Not at all. Her excitement about the fresh produce aisle was irresistible.
She’d clearly decided his diet needed an upgrade from chips, burgers and beer to healthier options. He couldn’t disagree. If that upgrade included her presence in his kitchen, he was all for it.
She was still focused on the topic as they loaded the groceries in her truck and headed for the ranch.
“I can’t believe you don’t eat sweet potatoes.” She said it as if he was missing out on the treat of a lifetime.
He shrugged. “Between the tedious job of cooking and mashing the potatoes and trying not to burn the marshmallow topping, they’re too fussy for me.”
“Which is why we’re going to bake them and top them with sour cream.”
“Sour cream? On sweet potatoes?”
“You’ve never tried it?”
“No, ma’am. I’ve only had them mashed and baked with marshmallows.”
“Trust me, you’ll love the savory and sweet combo.”
“Okay.” How easily she said that simple phrase. Trust me. And how quickly he’d agreed to trust her… on the sweet potato issue. And on most things, really. But not on everything.
Hard to do when he couldn’t even trust himself. He’d failed to hold it together in the General Store. She hadn’t mentioned it, likely because she didn’t want to dig into it. Who would?
But now Christmas Eve loomed on the horizon like the thunderheads currently moving in from the west.
“I also like topping sweet potatoes with a cheese sauce, but that’s more work.” Mila flipped up the visor as the sun disappeared behind a bank of clouds. “I’ve been too busy to check the weather. This must be the snow they said might come in.”
“Let me look.” He consulted the weather app on his phone. “Seventy-five percent chance starting at six tonight.”
“How much?”
“Ten to twelve inches.”
“Not too bad. If we’re lucky, it’ll snow tonight and then clear off for the rest of the week.”
“Hope so.”
“We’ve had to skip our barn caroling routine three times that I can remember. It’s not like it ruins Christmas Eve, but it’s not the same if we can’t do it. I’d really like you to go with us.”
“I’d like that, too.” Absolutely true, but only if he could convince himself he’d handle it well. “What do you sing?”
“We don’t sing It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Good.” He appreciated the subtle acknowledgment minus any probing questions.
“Usually it’s Silent Night or maybe O Little Town of Bethlehem. Or both, depending on how fast we walk. Could you handle those?”
“I like the idea of walking down and singing to the horses, so yeah, I’ll probably be fine.”
“Maybe you can replace bad memories with good ones.” She glanced over at him as if seeking buy-in for her theory.
“That would be great.” Yeah, this was a good track to run on.
“Did you enjoy the Christmas party? I know the baby announcement threw you for a loop, but you seemed fine with the music.”
“I mostly concentrated on you.”
“All the time?”
“Pretty much.”
“Even when you played Carol of the Bells?”
“Especially then. That was all for you. Sam was being so considerate about providing the sheet music that I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t need it for that number.”
“I thought you didn’t know any Christmas carols.”
“In my mind, it’s not a Christmas carol. The guy who sold me the fiddle gave me sheet music for it that was more than a hundred years old. It’s a Ukrainian folk song about the New Year. They still perform it at New Year’s festivities.”
“No kidding. I’ve never heard that.” She took a breath. “What did you think of Feliz Navidad?”
“I liked it. Got a little jealous of Sam, singing something with you that sounded romantic, even if I couldn’t understand the words.”
Her cheeks turned rosy. “It is romantic, two people expressing their love for each other.”
“So I was right to be jealous of Sam.” Those feelings had startled him. He wasn’t the possessive type.
“Not if you consider that I thought of you the whole time, especially when you added those beautiful touches to the melody.”
“Just trying to impress you.”
“You impressed the whole roomful of folks. Did you like it when they joined in?”
Emotion swept through him, just as it had when the entire place erupted in song. “It was… not a feeling I’m used to, like I’m caught up in a wave.”
“Could it be the Christmas spirit?”
“No.” He didn’t believe in such a thing, but it would be obnoxious to say it out loud. “I didn’t hate it. The loud singing didn’t affect me the way the music did in the General Store.”
“I’m afraid I wasn’t much help in there. Christmas music in an empty store felt weird to me, too. I didn’t know what to do.”
“Nothing you could do. I just had to work through it. I’m glad I was mostly okay at the Raccoon last night. I’ve loved that place ever since I walked in back in July. I guess it’s so amazing that even Christmas can’t ruin it for me.”
She was quiet for a while after that. Then she cleared her throat. “Do you… do you want to tell me about—”
“No, I don’t.” Damn. She’d asked, after all.
“But maybe if you—”
“I have no interest in dredging it up. Your idea of making new memories to replace the old ones is a better way to go. I was hoping I could do that with buying the gifts this morning.”
“You almost did.”
“Almost. Next December I’ll browse in the General Store several times until I’ve desensitized myself like I have with the market.”
“That doesn’t sound like fun.”
“But it works. You saw I was totally fine while we bought groceries.”
“You blocked out the music and the decorations at the market?”
“I always do. You made it even easier. Watching you get orgasmic over the red beets with the greens still attached was the best grocery shopping experience of my life.”
“That’s not quite what I meant by replacing bad memories with good ones. If I’m hearing you right, your method is to focus on only part of the experience and shut out anything that reminds you of Christmas.”
“That’s the gist of it. Obviously I can’t always do it. I was fine until that music blasted. Pretty hard to ignore that many decibels, especially when I’m in a store that reminds me of—” Whoa, he’d almost gone there.
“Reminds you of what? I wish you’d—”
“It’s better for me if I don’t. It’s no good dwelling on those things.” He used to worry that Jordie remembered the scene in the Helena department store, but she’d only been fifteen months old. She’d never mentioned it, so obviously she’d been too young for it to make an impression.
“I can understand why you’d say that, but to me there’s a problem with that strategy.”
“Like what?”
“If you desensitize yourself to everything that represents Christmas, how will you ever learn to enjoy it?”
“I probably won’t, but at least I can function.”
“That makes me so sad.”
Great. Now she felt sorry for him. “Think of me as someone from a different culture that doesn’t celebrate this holiday. You grew up with Christmas as a positive so you can’t imagine not having that joy. I didn’t experience it the way you did, so I won’t miss what I never had.”
“I’m trying to understand, but….”
“Mila, you make me so happy that I don’t need to feel Christmas joy. Honestly, I don’t.”
She let out a breath. “Do you think that’s what Jordan’s doing? Desensitizing herself so she can make Luis happy?”
“I doubt that’s the case. I’m guessing she’ll be able to gradually discover what the rest of you appreciate about this season.”
“Then why isn’t that possible for you?”
“Jordie’s and my situations were different.”
“Sounds like whatever went on, you took the brunt of it.”
He didn’t answer. They were getting into the weeds, and there were things he never wanted her to know, never wanted anyone to know.
“Your silence tells me that’s true.”
This would be a good time to lie to her, which had been his response to every woman he’d allowed himself to get close to. For whatever reason, he couldn’t lie to Mila.
But he wouldn’t spill his guts, either. Refusing to do that likely meant their relationship had an expiration date, just as he’d feared last night when they’d bumped up against the baby issue.
They weren’t far from the ranch. Soon they’d be back in his loft with groceries that would take them through the next couple of days. And nights. His body warmed and his jeans grew tight.
Did he have the strength to give her up now, which was the sensible thing to do? He’d have to be the one. He couldn’t picture her seeing the light and walking away.
She made the turn onto the ranch road, pulled up to the keypad and rolled down her window so she could punch in the code. The big gate swung open perfectly. “Nice job on the gate.”
“Thanks.”
She rolled up the window and drove through. “Are we back to you thinking we have no future?”
“I should have anticipated this would be a problem the minute you climbed the stairs with that little Christmas tree.”
“I’ll take it back to my house.”
“That won’t solve anything. Bottom line, you deserve someone who’s excited about babies and Christmas. That’s not me and we both know it. If we admit that now, we’ll cut our losses.”
“Then you want me to drop you and your groceries by the stairs and leave you there?”
“It’s the smart way to play it.”
“What about the Santa hats? Oh, wait, you probably hate that idea, anyway.”
“No, I don’t. I did at first, but then I saw them on the raccoons and they look cute as hell.”
“See? You like something about Christmas. It’s a start.”
He groaned. “You’re relentless.”
“I believe in you.”
“That’s a mistake.” His smartass comeback was automatic but those four words burrowed into his soul. I believe in you. Jordie was the only other person who’d told him that.
She paused by the second gate and repeated the keypad routine.
“If it’s a mistake, you’re gonna have to prove it to me, cowboy.”
“I’m sure I will.”
She drove up next to the steps. “That sounds suspiciously like you’re caving.”
“I should have my head examined.”
“I’m more interested in examining other parts of you.” She turned off the engine and glanced at him. “Shall we haul the groceries upstairs and see what happens?”
He met her gaze and anticipation sizzled in his veins. “Leave the fudging groceries.”