Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Damn it, she was gonna cry.
“I love you, Mila.” Cole turned sideways and took her hands in his. “While you’re out on your ride, please add that into the mix. I love you.”
She blinked quickly and staved off the worst of it. A few tears still dribbled down.
He leaned over and kissed her damp cheeks. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s happy tears.” She sniffed. “I love you, too. I just figured saying it was counterproductive.”
That startled a laugh out of him. “Not the word I would have chosen.”
She squeezed his hands and scooted closer. “Love muddies the waters.”
“You see mud, I see a miracle. You love me.” His eyes blazed with emotion. “You fudging love me. Can you imagine how that makes me feel?”
“I can. Oh, I can.” She locked onto the passion in his gaze, her heart beating fast. “And I really want—”
“Babies?”
“Yes, eventually, but what I—”
“I told you I’d be bad at this father thing, but I was forgetting something.”
“What I said about you taking care of Jordan?”
“Not that. I forgot that next summer, Liberty arrives on the scene.”
She got it, now. “You can practice being a dad.”
“Damn straight. Jordie and Luis will show me how it’s done.”
“Great idea.” Not what she wanted to talk about, but still a positive.
“Isn’t it? I’ve watched my sister work with clients who don’t know a hackamore from their hind quarters. They’re harder to train than the horse. If she can handle them, she can train me.”
He’d sidetracked her and turned her insides to mush with this new subject. “It won’t take long. I was never worried about the baby issue.”
“Well, I was. But Jordie won’t let me fail. She knows babies scare the hell out of me. She’s the only one I’ve ever held, and I was terrified I’d do something wrong.”
Clearly he wasn’t kidding. The fear in his voice was real, and it gave her another clue to his past. At four, his terror probably had been justified. If he had done something wrong, he likely would’ve been severely punished.
But he didn’t want her to know about that, or why he had scars on his back, or how they were related to his Christmas phobia. He’d given her some information but not the critical piece.
His gaze searched hers. Then his chest heaved. “I interrupted you a while ago. Twice.”
“You did.” Whoa. This was new.
“I have a hunch you were trying to bring up a different subject.”
Amazing. Unexpected. “Is that why you interrupted me?”
“Yep.” He brought her hands to his lips and kissed her fingers. “I’ve decided to man up to it.” Lifting his head, he looked into her eyes, a crease of worry between his brows. “Forgive me?”
Her heart swelled. “Always.”
“It’s a bad habit.” He tucked her hands behind his neck, slid his arms around her waist and drew her closer. “I don’t want to do that with you. I want you to call me on it.”
“All right.” She took a breath. Might as well seize the moment. “Are you afraid if you tell me I’ll tell the others? Because I won’t ”
“I know.” He hesitated, glanced away. When he faced her again, the haunted look was back in his eyes. “Have you ever watched a movie and then wished you hadn’t?”
“I think we’ve all done that.”
“You don’t want to see this movie. Nobody should.”
She stared at him, confused by nobody should. “But Jordan knows.”
His grip on her hands tightened imperceptibly. “She doesn’t.”
“How’s that possible?”
“I’m not the type to go around shirtless.”
So he’d protected his little sister from the movie he didn’t want her to see. He’d protected everyone, now that she thought about it. Her brothers loved pulling off their shirts and pouring water over their heads when it was hot. She’d never seen Cole do that.
“Then why did you let me wash your back?”
“I shouldn’t have. I had this stupid idea that since you’d glimpsed it a few times and hadn’t asked, you couldn’t see them. I haven’t checked in ages.”
“I also felt them. At least a couple.”
“Did you decide to wash my back so you could investigate?”
“Not at first, but once I was there, yeah, I wanted to find out what was going on.”
He groaned. “I almost wish I’d….”
“Lied to me?”
“Yes!” He sucked in a breath. “No. I can’t lie to you.”
“What would you have said?”
“The same thing I’ve told anyone who happens to see my back for some reason. I crawled under a barbed wire fence to escape an angry bull.”
“Did you tell that to Jordan?”
“No. I don’t lie to my sister. Besides, it wouldn’t have worked. She’d have pestered me for details.”
“Good grief. You’ve been on guard for years.” And he’d let down his guard in the shower. She’d hang onto that tiny bit of success.
“Worth it.” He sighed. “My coping mechanisms might seem weird but they get me through.”
She could argue that point but listening was more important right now. “So you keep your shirt on and block out Christmas.” Which told her he’d been hit during the holidays.
“That’s about the size of it. I’ve ignored Christmas for so long it didn’t register as something I’d need to deal with when I moved here. I’ll keep working on it. Like right now, I’m not bothered by your jammies.”
“You’re okay with the red and green?”
“I am because I’m not focused on it. I’m focused on you. That’s how I build tolerance.”
“Tolerance?” Her mind rebelled and the word popped out. “Sorry. I just….”
“That’s not what you want to hear.”
“It’s not about me or what I want to hear.”
“It is about you. I’m playing for all the marbles. That means I need to get this Christmas thing under control.”
She wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled. And then rock him in her arms until he quit torturing himself and confided in someone, preferably her. Would he ever do that? “It sounds exhausting.”
“I’m used to it.”
Oh, she bet he was. “Just so you know, I’m not a fragile flower. None of us are after losing our dad.” Both her dads, actually. “That wasn’t a great movie, either.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t. Luis said he went quickly, but that’s its own kind of hell.”
“It was. Like I said, crappy movie, but at least we watched it together. That was huge.”
He gave her a crooked smile. “Trying to tell me something?”
“Subtle, huh?”
“No.”
“Bottom line, I’ll watch your movie with you. Anytime. Anywhere.”
“Appreciate the offer, but the theater’s closed.” He said it gently, but his jaw tightened.
Considering how many years he’d been committed to this path, she wasn’t surprised by his response. Disappointed, but not surprised.
He took a breath. “On the other hand, we can still have dinner and a show compliments of the Beaver Bunch.”
Her disappointment melted. “I’ll take that deal.”
“Thank you.” Leaning over he gave her a tender kiss. And lingered.
She savored the moment. Had they made progress? A tiny bit, and a man who could bestow such loving kisses wouldn’t stay closed off forever.