Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Mila wasn’t counting on Cole showing up for Christmas dinner but she hadn’t mentioned that to anyone except Claudie. Their mom had included him in the head count, and everyone had arrived except for Jordan, Luis and Cole.
The scene was typical — Christmas music playing in the background amid organized chaos as they added leaves to the table, brought in the extra chairs and arranged place settings.
Space was at a premium in the dining room, especially since they’d welcomed Tracy, her parents, Jordan and Cole into their midst. But her family was used to making room.
Claudie was staying close, clearly ready to be supportive no matter which way it went. She’d been a rock for the past two days and Mila wouldn’t have made it through without her.
Their mom and Greta were aware she’d been staying at the mini-hacienda with Claudie, ostensibly to make fudge. They hadn’t asked any questions, thank goodness. Christmas Eve dinner was special and she didn’t want her private drama messing with it.
But the suspense of not knowing if Cole would come to dinner was driving her nuts. The sound of the front door opening sent her heart rate into overdrive. She glanced at Claudie, who moved to her side as Rio hurried out to the hallway.
“The baby daddy and baby momma are here at last!” he called out. “Hey, Mila, your sweetie finally made it, too.”
She began to shake.
“Easy girl.” Claudie squeezed her shoulder. “Take a breath.”
She did, but she couldn’t control the shaking as he walked into the dining room and made his way straight to her, his gaze intent.
“Hey, there. Missed you.”
“Missed you, too.” She barely got it out as the glow in his gray eyes, the aroma of his aftershave and the sound of his breathing turned her inside out.
“You look wonderful.”
“You, too.” She doubted he’d taken note of the Christmas tree and reindeer motif of her sweater.
“Hey, Claudie.” He gave her a quick smile. “Bet you two have been busy making that fudge. Can’t wait to taste it.”
“It’ll ruin you for any other kind.” Claudie gave her a nudge. “Right, sis?”
“Yep.” Mila gulped. Claudie wasn’t talking about fudge.
Cole nodded. “I’m sure that’s true.” He glanced around, taking in the Christmas-themed tablecloth and napkins, the ornaments hanging from the chandelier and the lighted tapers in red, white and green. “Everything looks great.”
She blinked. Was he faking that appreciation? If so, he’d done a damned good job. Anyone would think he’d been consciously admiring the festive arrangement.
“Time to get started.” Her mom waved them toward the kitchen doorway. “Grab your food and beverage of choice.”
Claudie made sure to stick with Mila as the line formed. So did Cole. When they took their seats, he claimed the right side and Claudie sat on the left.
At the head of the table, their mom tapped her glass.
“Here’s to all the blessings we’ve received since last Christmas.
Tracy and her folks were always considered family, but now it’s official.
We were also gifted with Jordan and Cole, and before you know it, Liberty will be making an appearance. To the Bridger Bunch!”
“To the Bridger Bunch!” Everyone clinked glasses with whoever they could reach.
For Mila, that was Rio across from her, plus Claudie and Cole on either side. Rio was flanked by Tia Kat, who sat across from Cole, and Tia Ezzie on his other side.
Tia Kat tapped Cole’s glass and smiled. “Nice shirt.”
“Thanks. It’s on loan from Luis.”
Mila glanced at him. “It is? I don’t recognize it.” She’d paid more attention to the man than the shirt, a yoked Western style in white. She took another look. Were those small holly sprigs across the back of the yoke? And one on the tip of the collar?
“Jordie bought him two so he’d have a choice of which one he wanted for tonight. He let me wear the other one.”
“Looks terrific on you.” Tia Kat nodded in approval.
“Thanks.”
Mila was stunned that he’d voluntarily worn a Christmas-themed shirt. “Yes, it does.”
“Glad you like it.”
Claudie tapped her ankle with the toe of her boot to get her attention and then gave her a covert thumbs-up.
She took a quick breath. Did she dare hope he was moving toward the light?
Her family certainly was. Last year’s dinner they’d struggled to bring the good cheer. Not tonight. Conversation was lively, jokes flew and toasts multiplied. Speculation continued about what Cole’s surprise would turn out to be.
He participated in all the discussions. She saw no indication he was either freaking out or zoning out. Every time he looked at her he was fully present.
By the end of the meal she was tingling with anticipation. He was different. Completely focused. That was sexy as hell.
After the group helped clear the dishes, Greta passed out little bags of cut-up apples, carrots, and sugar cubes. Coats and hats on, they filed outside, their mother in the lead.
Her mom was also the one who chose the carol. “Okay, everyone, we’ll do Silent Night.” As she sang the first few words and began walking toward the barn with Greta, everyone joined in and formed a loose procession behind them.
Once again, Mila found herself with the same companions, Claudie and Cole. Technically she’d heard Cole sing on some of the numbers by the Beaver Bunch, but she’d had trouble separating his voice from the others.
She wouldn’t have trouble anymore. His deep baritone thrilled her. She could listen to it forever as they strolled under a sky glittering with stars. She was sorry that the walk was so short.
The horses weren’t sorry. Their eager knickers and whinnies could be heard from several yards away, making everyone laugh.
The song lasted just long enough to end at the barn where the group separated to pass out their treats. Sol’s stall was nowhere near Sparky’s, darn it.
Cole leaned toward her as they walked in. “Please meet me at the foot of the stairs after we go back outside. I have something for you.”
Her breath caught. “All right.” No doubt Claudie had picked up on that request.
Her horse Pickles was in the stall right next to Sol’s. Claudie had brought a small dill pickle to add to her bag since that was what the gelding preferred, even over sugar cubes.
Mila loved on Sol as she slowly doled out his treats and Claudie did the same with Pickles. Then Claudie edged a little closer to Mila and lowered her voice. “I think he got the message.”
“Maybe.”
“He’s giving you a gift. That’s significant.”
“Who knows?”
“I’ll just peel off when we get to the steps and assume you’ll be going up to the loft.”
“He didn’t exactly invite me.”
“No, but it’s logical that he will.”
“I guess.” She tried not to get excited about the possibility. And failed. Claudie thought he was changing. She wanted to believe it, too.
By the time she and Claudie left the barn, she welcomed the cold air on her cheeks. She was on fire.
Cole was nowhere in sight. Following tradition, everyone was heading off to their respective homes and calling out their goodnights. She and Claudie did the same.
Cole met them as they neared the step
“Don’t worry, Cole,” Claudie said as she continued walking. “I’m going home. Have a good night.”
“You, too.” Standing with his hands in his pockets, he faced her. “I want so much to kiss you, but I’m not gonna.”
“Probably better.” She longed for his kiss and his strong arms wrapped around her. But although he’d shown evidence of change, the problem still stood between them.
He pulled a wrapped package from his coat pocket. It was about the size and shape of a cell phone. “This isn’t exactly what you asked for, but….” He took another breath. “It’s what I can do.”
Her expectation of being invited up to the loft slowly dissipated and she gazed at him in confusion. “I didn’t ask for a Christmas present.” She’d bought one for him but had decided days ago it was a bad idea considering his attitude about the holiday.
“It’s not a Christmas present. Well, maybe it is, in a way. I’ve spent hours debating whether to give it to you. It might not help. It might make things worse.”
“Is that even possible?”
“Always.”
“What in hell is in that package?”
“Something I’ve kept for a long time. Couldn’t quite bring myself to destroy it. God only knows why.” He held it out. “Now it’s yours.”
She took it. In the light from the top of the stairs she could see it was wrapped in crinkled brown paper, the kind that was used in packing. “I feel like I’m holding a ticking time bomb.”
“You’re not wrong.”
“Should I open it now?”
“No. In fact, please don’t open it in front of Claudie.”
“All right.” She tucked it in her pocket. “Why are you wearing one of Luis’s Christmas shirts?”
“Jordie brought it over today as part of her program.”
“Oh?”
“She’s teaching me to handle Christmas without zoning out.”
Her heart leaped. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He gave her a crooked grin. “How am I doing?”
“Awesome.” She stepped closer. “Now I want to kiss you.”
“And I want you to, but more than that I want you to go home and open that package. I need to know if….” He sucked in a breath. Then he shook his head. “Please take it home before I change my mind and ask for it back.”
“Okay.” Placing a kiss on the tips of her fingers, she pressed them against his mouth.
He closed his eyes.
“I love you.” Turning, she hurried toward the colorful lights of the mini-hacienda. Her sister would be curious about the gift.
In the end she convinced Claudie it was highly personal and not to be shared. She hinted it might be sloppy love poems. For all she knew it was.
Except it wasn’t. The small and cheaply made notebook began with a sentence in pencil by someone who had just learned to write.
There was a date at the top. On Christmas Day twenty-eight years ago, Cole had written in all caps. I HATE XMAS!!! The page was dimpled, either with drops of water… or tears.
As she slowly turned the pages, the notes got longer, took up more pages and had less dimpled places and more harsh words. Each was composed on Christmas Day.
The picture became clear. Every Christmas Eve, his father had treated himself to a bottle of Wild Turkey. Then he’d invited his son to the tool shed for a man-to-man talk.
The last entry was dated twenty years ago, the first and only time his father had drawn blood. That day, pressing hard enough to pierce the paper as he wrote, he’d vowed to get strong enough to fight back.