Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
DANI
“Yoo-hoo, Dani?” Valentina said from across my desk.
I gave my head a shake and looked over at her. “I’m sorry, I was totally zoning out.”
Valentina’s blue eyes took on a sly gleam when she smiled. “Um, yeah, I noticed. Anything going on?”
Oh, there was something going on, all right. Namely, I could hardly stop mentally replaying my encounter with Wade the other night. He’d always been a big man, but I hadn’t counted on just how thoroughly he could crowd out everything else in my mind.
I shook my head, ignoring the slight disappointment that flitted across Valentina’s face. We had accounting to focus on. That was more important than me obsessing about Wade, that was for sure.
“Okay, where are we at?” I asked.
Valentina launched into a review of the latest numbers for the accounts for the rescue program and the vet clinic. I mostly handled everything associated with the lodge and the restaurant, while Valentina handled the rest and did the bookkeeping for everything. Thank goodness.
I could be a control freak, but I was way too busy to manage all of that stuff. Not to mention I wasn’t technically an accountant. I did my best, but Valentina actually knew her shit and had tightened things up significantly since we brought her on.
I managed to pay attention for maybe ten minutes.
“Yoo-hoo, Dani?” Valentina repeated.
Looking down, I noticed I had just doodled Wade’s name with two hearts on either side of it in pencil on my desk calendar. Sweet Jesus. I was in trouble.
“Sorry,” I said with an apologetic smile.
Valentina regarded me for a moment, tucking one of her pretty red curls behind her ear.
Valentina was ridiculously beautiful, in my opinion.
With her dark-red hair, her wide blue eyes, freckled cheeks, and her curvy body, most men had a hard time not looking at her.
Ever since she and Lucas had fallen in love, most of the guys around here did a better job of keeping the staring to a minimum.
Lucas was so head over heels in love with her, it was almost like a fairytale.
Although Valentina was a newer friend, seeing as I hadn’t known her until she took her position here, I’d grown to adore her, and I trusted her implicitly.
She was one of those people who had a wise old-soul quality to her.
She put the computer tablet she was holding on my desk and leaned over.
I didn’t get my hand over Wade’s name fast enough.
“Ha! I knew it!” she exclaimed with a flourish as she leaned back. “If you and Wade are finally going to stop dancing around each other, that’ll be the best news ever.”
My cheeks heated as I eyed her. Wrinkling my nose, I tried to glare at her, but it was weak, and I knew it. “Please don’t give me hell about this.”
I was trying to keep my tone light, but the baggage that I carried around Wade was so fucking heavy.
Valentina’s eyes softened. “Okay, I won’t tease. Wanna talk?” she asked earnestly.
I surprised myself by replying, “That might be a good idea.”
Valentina smiled, so pleased with herself that I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, I forgot, girlfriends are new for you.”
Prior to moving here to Stolen Hearts Lodge, Valentina’s life had been sheltered by her devout parents who did their darnedest to keep her wrapped in a bubble.
As such, now that she was out on her own, she loved having friends and chatting.
She even liked to be the subject of gossip.
She told us it made her feel like her life was worth gossiping about.
Narrowing my eyes, I added, “Just keep in mind not all of us enjoy being the subject of gossip.”
Valentina’s eyes widened slightly as she shook her head.
“I would never. Unless I knew you wanted me too,” she added with a grin.
Sobering, she went quiet for a few beats, her gaze considering.
“Here, I’m just gonna tell you what I think.
Wade’s in love with you. And, I’m not sure what happened between you two, but it’s obvious he means something to you as well.
I’m not just saying that because you wrote hearts around his name. ”
I put my face in my hands and groaned. “I can’t believe you saw that.”
When I looked up, Valentina lifted a shoulder in a small shrug.
“Nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve put hearts around Lucas’s name.
I even practiced writing my name with his last name.
Then, I questioned it because while I want to marry him, I shouldn’t just automatically plan to take his name, right? ”
Her question was dead serious, so I replied honestly.
“I think feminism means women choose what they want to do when it comes to things like that. It’s all about having the power to make the choice.
If you want to keep your last name, do it.
If you want to take Lucas’s last name, do it.
If you want to do the hyphenated thing, do that.
You two each only have single syllable last names, so it wouldn’t be too much of a mouthful. ”
Valentina eyed me for a moment and then picked up a pencil off of my desk, leaning over to write on my calendar Valentina Smith-Cole. Underneath that, she wrote Valentina Cole-Smith. She cocked her head to the side as she considered her handiwork. “Hmmm? I’ll have to think about that.”
“Good thing is, Lucas is so in love with you, he won’t even care. In fact, if you asked him to take your last name, he’d probably happily do it.”
Valentina’s return smile was bright as the sun. “You know, I think you’re right. Although, that might be confusing for Rylie, so we have to consider that.”
“You’re a good egg,” I replied.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you don’t even have to think to put Rylie’s needs first. That’s not the case for everybody when it’s not their own child.”
Valentina nodded. “Rylie’s so precious to me. I know technically she’s not mine, but in every way that matters, it feels like she is.” At my nod, she continued, “So, let’s not get caught up on me. You and Wade. What’s going on?”
“Promise you won’t say anything?”
Valentina held a palm up with a solemn nod.
On the heels of a deep breath, I opened with, “I think I might have made a big mistake.”
“Why?”
“I spent the night with Wade two nights ago.”
“Does ‘spent the night’ mean you had sex?”
Even though it made my cheeks catch fire, I nodded.
“Well, that’s great, right? I mean, he totally has the hots for you.”
I leaned back in my chair with a sigh, looking up at the ceiling as I spun my chair slowly in a circle before coming back around to face Valentina. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Everyone’s complicated, all by themselves. Throw another person in the mix, and it just gets even messier,” Valentina observed.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“If you knew someone wanted to have kids, and you knew that you might not be able to have kids, do you think it’s fair to let things go somewhere?”
Okay, so, I hadn’t planned on asking that question. Our conversation got serious in a big fat hurry. My heart was thudding in a sick beat and my stomach was busy tying itself in knots.
Valentina didn’t miss a beat. Her gaze sobered, and she cocked her head to the side. “That’s not an easy answer. I think the only thing you need to do is be honest. I feel like I’m missing something kinda big here.”
“You mean, you might be wondering why I’m asking.
” The laugh that followed my words was slightly bitter.
“To make a very long story short, I got pregnant the one and only time I had sex with Wade, when I was seventeen. We even used a condom, but it still happened. It turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy and I almost bled to death when I miscarried. The doctors told me at the time that I was at higher risk of having another ectopic pregnancy as a result of that. They told me I should be careful and be prepared for the fact that I might not be able to have children.”
My words came out in a rapid spill, although my tone was flat as if it were a story I’d recited thousands of times.
I supposed it was. I’d certainly recited it to myself that many, and more.
Valentina was silent as she considered me.
I suddenly wanted to cry, tears stinging hot in my eyes and my throat clogging tight with emotion.
Valentina moved quickly, standing and coming around the desk to lean over and pull me into a warm hug. When she drew back, there was nothing but understanding in her eyes. “That’s so scary, and I’m so sorry.”
I sniffled and swiped at my tears. She snagged a tissue and handed it to me. After I wiped my eyes and blew my nose, she held my gaze. “Do you want to know what I think?” I nodded. “I think you should talk to Wade about it, if that’s what’s holding you back.”
I felt half-crazy. I’d spent so much time and energy not allowing myself to ever hope for anything between Wade and me.
Now, it was like a river rushing through a dam that had just opened.
It wasn’t simply desire. It was a tangle of emotion, want, need, and raw craving—physical and emotional.
All of it spun into the intense connection I felt with him that undergirded everything.
“How do you know kids are really important to Wade?” Valentina rounded my desk again to sit down across from me. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it doesn’t seem like you would’ve had a conversation with him about it,” she said slowly, almost tentatively.
I laughed softly, that old bitterness tightening in my heart. “True. It’s not something we’ve talked about in the last few years. But I knew when he was younger that he loved kids. That’s all.”
“Just because he loves kids doesn’t mean he wants them. It seems to me you might be trying to find a deal breaker.”
“A deal breaker?”
Her curls bounced with her nod. “Yeah. A deal breaker. You know, something that makes it so you two can’t be together. I understand that it’s scary, but there’s only one thing to do. Give him a chance, or not.”
Staring at her, I actually had to grit my teeth to keep from snapping at her. I could have a bit of a temper, but I always felt bad if I snapped at Valentina. She was too earnest.
After a steadying breath, I shrugged, aiming for nonchalance. “I’m not trying to find a deal breaker. And I’m not scared,” I muttered.
Just then, the phone on my desk rang. “I need to take this,” I said quickly, grabbing onto the lifeline of this interruption.
Valentina was too kind to let on that she might know better. She stood quickly, reaching for the computer tablet and closing the case as she replied, “Of course. We can check in tomorrow about these numbers. I’ll email you the spreadsheets, and you can let me know if you have any questions.”
I was nodding and answering the phone at the same time, relieved when she turned and walked briskly out of my office, closing the door behind her.
I took the call, only half-paying attention.
After I hung up, I leaned my elbows on my desk and rested my face in my hands, letting out a soft sigh.
My breath filtered through my fingers before I brushed my hands through my hair, pointlessly attempting to tidy my usually unruly curls.
Normally, I liked having my office door open.
It meant people could bounce in and out whenever they needed.
I loved the hustle and bustle of managing the restaurant here at the lodge and worked to create a sense of family for everyone who worked here.
Right now though, I didn’t stand and go to open my door as I typically would after I got off the phone.
Even though there was not a soul in this room with me, I felt exposed, worried that anyone who knew me could see how unsettled I was inside. I was an idiot. I had given in and told Wade the whole messy story. I felt as if he were slipping in through the cracks in the walls around my heart.
My mind flashed back to the other night.
His espresso gaze holding mine as I sank down over him.
The delicious stretch of him filling me.
His easy strength, the way he just didn’t care for me to be anything other than who I was.
Even with all of our baggage and complications, once I let my guard down with Wade, it all came so easily.
I should have made him leave, found some graceful way to say good night.
But I hadn’t been able to force the issue.
I had fallen asleep with his strong arms wrapped around me.
I’d been beyond relieved when he woke up in the early dawn to brush a kiss against my cheek as he said goodbye.
He had training in Asheville and an overnight winter camping trip for a small group an hour away.
The dusting of his lips against my cheek and the soft, open-mouthed kiss he pressed against that sweet spot right behind my ear sent shivers all the way through me and made me deeply understand the meaning of longing.
Yet, I’d been relieved to know I would have two days to try to pull myself together.
Those two days hadn’t helped at all. If anything, my longing for Wade had grown sharper in its intensity.