Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
“That was…” A rose petal drifted in the air around her. Landed really close to her right nipple.
“Too rough?” Ronan raised up onto his elbows as he stared down at her. His jaw had locked, and his eyes glittered.
“I was going to say it was really pretty amazing.” She smiled at him.
He blinked. Then groused, “That fucking smile.”
Her fucking smile dimmed as he pulled out of her. Some of her bright, happy glow began to dim a bit, too.
He climbed from the bed. Marched away. “What the hell am I gonna do without that smile?”
Had she just heard him right? Luna sat up in bed and, realizing she was stark naked, she grabbed a sheet and hauled it close. Clutching the sheet against her chest, she cocked her head and stared after him. “Ronan?”
He appeared in the bathroom doorway. Looked extra grim. “I was too…intense.” He’d already righted his clothes. Not like there had been a lot to fix. He’d been mostly dressed while he sent her into delicious oblivion.
“I thought you were perfect.” She started to smile again, but caught herself. “The champagne was cold.” A remembered shiver darted over her. “But your mouth was so warm.” The two opposites had ignited her. There’d been so much pleasure that she’d wondered if it was possible to die from insanely powerful orgasms.
Talk about a way to go. That would certainly be her preferred method for leaving this world.
He took a step toward her. “I’m not…rational with you.” Another halting step. As if he was being pulled toward her against his will.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Bad.” Another step. Then another. More steps until he was beside the bed and staring down at her. “I’m a bad thing, Luna.”
She would not believe that. The open champagne bottle was back to chilling in the ice bucket near her. She would never be able to look at champagne without remembering this night with him. And blushing violently. “I think you’re a pretty good thing, Ronan. The best thing that has happened to me in a long time.”
Laughter came from him. But it was rough. Almost mocking. “People don’t make the mistake of calling me good, Luna.”
“Maybe they should.” Still using one hand to hold the sheet in place, her other reached for him. She curled her fingers around his wrist. “You’re good, Ronan. Someone should have told you that a long time ago. You’ve saved me. You’ve helped me.” You’ve given me the best orgasms of my life. “You are good.”
He looked down. Seemed to focus on her hand as her fingers curled around his wrist. “A good man wouldn’t want to do the things I do. Not to you.”
Her heartbeat had just managed to reach a normal level. At his words, her heart immediately began to race again. “Just what do you want to do?”
“Keep you.”
Her lips parted. Had he just said?—
“Fuck you into oblivion.”
Well, he actually had pretty much done that.
“Destroy any bastard who ever thinks he can touch you the way I do. That he can claim you. Have you. Take you from me.”
She had to be gaping at him.
He sent her a hard smile. “Scared yet?”
Scared wasn’t the right word. “I want to keep you,” she blurted.
His body seemed to turn to stone before her eyes.
“I also really, really like the idea of fucking you into oblivion.” Just so they were both being as clear and as honest as possible. “I don’t want to fuck anyone else. After you, it just—it would seem wrong.” Because any other lover wouldn’t be Ronan. He’d marked her, far beneath the skin. All the way to her soul.
“No other woman will ever be you.”
She wanted to smile at him. And if she wanted to smile, then why was she having to blink away tears? Probably because it felt like they were already saying goodbye, and she didn’t want to do that. “I want to keep you,” Luna said, meaning those words with her entire heart. Couldn’t there be a way? A chance? “I don’t want to be taken from you.” Hope twisted and churned within her. Maybe, just maybe…
He stepped back. Pulled his wrist from her. “The job was to keep you alive.”
But weren’t they way past the point of the situation between them being just a job?
“You’ll have a new life. One that doesn’t include a hitman. You’ll be better off without me.”
Her hair slid against her cheek as she watched him. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
“Luna…”
“Because I happen to like you, Ronan.” No, way more than that. She just needed to woman up and say the words. “I think I’m falling in love with you.” There. Done. She’d never been in love, so she wasn’t exactly an expert on the emotion but…
I’m happy when he’s near. I feel safe when he’s close. I want to hold his hand and have a million adventures. I want to see him when the darkness lifts, and he can smile like he really means it.
But Ronan shook his head. “You don’t even know me.” He turned away.
Anger had her jumping from the bed. Bringing the sheet with her, wrapping it around her because this was not a naked kind of conversation. Especially not with him pretty much being completely dressed and her being stark bare. “I know you.” Certainty. She hopped after him. “I’m starting to think I might know you better than you know yourself.”
He glanced over his shoulder. “You know what you hope I am. Some idealized version of me.”
“What does that even mean?” When a woman told a man that she was falling for him, a different response was expected. Any response other than this rejection that chilled her to the bone.
“Go to bed, Luna.”
“I just got out of bed, Ronan!”
His hands fisted at his sides. “I usually have perfect control.”
“Well, give yourself a cookie. Make it a chocolate chip because those are the best ones.”
He whirled toward her. Frowned.
“Life is messy, Ronan. It’s not about perfect control. Actually, I think it’s about losing control and letting yourself feel real emotions. About not boxing yourself away and being afraid to care.” She surged toward him. Kept right on holding her precious sheet. “I’ve been afraid for most of my life. Afraid first that I’d die long before I could reach my eighteenth birthday. Afraid I’d never graduate high school. Or fall in love. Afraid I’d die before I could get married. Before I could have a family.” A heave of her breath. “I was busy being afraid, and it never hit me that I could lose my mother. The woman who was my core. Until the day I found her having a stroke. Then everything realigned, but you know what I did? I went right back to being afraid even after I lost her. I was hiding. Playing things safe. And then…”
Well, okay, maybe not the best example to add...
“Then you tried something new and got a hit placed on your head.” He quirked a brow. “Didn’t work out so well, huh?”
“Then I met this gorgeous, dangerous man who kissed me like he couldn’t breathe without tasting me on a New Orleans street.” She waited, practically daring him to deny the charge.
His nostrils flared. He did not deny her charge.
“He protected me, even while trying to make me believe he was the worst thing I’d ever faced.” She wanted to reach for him. “But he didn’t get it. I’d known death since I was a kid. This man—he wasn’t death. He was hope for me. He made me feel alive. He gave me pleasure and laughter, and he put me on a stage because he knew that was what I wanted. He gave me one of my dreams. Yet he thinks he’s some bad bastard.”
“I am. ”
She stepped forward. Their bodies nearly brushed. “Not to me. You’re the hero to me. And I am falling for you.”
His gaze searched hers. “You shouldn’t.”
“Too bad. I am. I’m not asking you to love me back.” Though, yes, fine, that would be fantastic. Her chin notched up. “I’m asking you to stop seeing yourself as the devil.”
“I killed a man when I was fifteen years old.”
Her mouth opened, but no words came out.
One of his hands rose and skimmed over the scar near his lower lip. “My dad made the mistake of getting involved with bad people. Hell, he spent most of his life doing that shit. Petty thefts led to higher stakes. More connections with the wrong crowd. Borrowing money from people he shouldn’t. Stealing from the wrong person.”
She closed her mouth.
“He was going to be a lesson. Used as an example for others. A hit was put on him. On his whole family.”
Oh, no. “Ronan…”
“They came into the house while I was sleeping. My parents were downstairs. It was my mother’s scream that woke me.”
She shook her head. No, no, she did not want to hear this story. She could already feel a teardrop sliding down her cheek.
“Why the fuck are you crying for me?” Now his hand was on her cheek. Wiping away the tear.
“Because I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t do it. Hell, Luna, you’ve probably never hurt a person in your entire life.” His hand lingered. Then fell. “But I have.”
“You were defending yourself.” She knew he must have been. He’d woken to a scream. He’d stayed alive. He’d done what was necessary.
A shrug. “Then, sure. If that’s what you want to say, I defended myself. I ran downstairs and saw the man over my mother. He was pulling the knife out of her chest. My father was running for the door. Running to leave her and to leave me. The guy dropped the knife. He took out a gun instead, and he fired at my dad’s back. I swear the gunfire seemed so loud that I felt like it shook the whole house.” A shake of his head. “I’d never heard gunfire up close like that before.”
Another tear leaked out. She swiped it away. Luna almost lost her sheet but managed to keep it up with a frantic grab.
“My dad fell right there, and I ran into the bastard with the gun. Hit him from behind.”
“You stopped him.” She nodded.
“He got loose. Swung at me. And laughed.”
Luna blinked.
“Then he put the gun to my forehead. Told me that my dad was a fuck up, and I had to pay the price.”
More tears. She couldn’t stop them. There was no emotion in his voice. But he must have been so afraid back then. Terrified.
“But this guy, he liked a personal touch with his kills. That’s what he told me. As he held the gun to my head, he told me that knives were better. They were his favorite. He smiled, and he put the gun down. I backed the hell away as he picked up the knife that still had my mother’s blood on it. This fucking freak could have killed me with a pull of the trigger, but he got off on slicing up his prey. My mom wasn’t dead, you see. I could hear her breathing. Gasping. And his eyes kept sliding back to her.”
Luna shook her head.
“He was going to torture us both. My prick father had gotten off easily. When he ran and left us, he got a swift trip to hell. The bullet blasted through his head. His brains were on the door.”
She put a hand to her mouth.
“Disgusting, isn’t it?” Flat. Still so emotionless. “Brutal? Welcome to my world. Welcome to my life. That’s what I am, Luna. I’m brutal. Because that’s what I had to be. He came at me with the knife, and I tried to dodge. The blade sliced down my chin. The freak said something about drawing first blood. Like it was all a game. Like life and death were a game to him.”
Her hand fell back to her side. “How did you get away?”
“Wrong question. Don’t you mean, ‘How did I kill him?’”
She waited. Then, nodded. “Yes.” That was what she’d meant.
“I ran at the bastard. I was a defensive end on my high school’s football team. Always bigger than everyone else but still damn fast. Bastard was laughing. Twirling that damn knife in his hand, and something broke inside of me. All I wanted to do was hurt him. Rage consumed me. No, more than that, I lost myself in the rage.”
“Ronan…”
“I slammed into him as hard as I could. Then I started beating the hell out of him.” His hands fisted again. “Over and over again. And when he swung back, I barely felt the blows.”
Her feet were rooted to the floor.
“I thought I’d knocked him out. I rose. I found the gun because, hell, I figured I needed some kind of weapon. I was calling for help when I heard the floor creak behind me.” He swallowed. “I whirled, and he was coming at me. I fired. He went down.” Brittle. “By the time the ambulance and the cops arrived, my mother was long gone. I was holding her in my arms. My dad’s body was just where he’d fallen. They had to step over him in order to get to me.”
A slow exhale. “That doesn’t make you a killer, Ronan. You were defending yourself. Trying to protect your family.”
His lips twisted. “He was only the first, Luna. After we buried my parents, I went to live with my grandfather. I even tried the whole college routine, but it wasn’t really for me. I finally wound up as a Marine.”
“Semper Fi,” she murmured.
“Uncle Sam taught me to be a better killer. When my service was up, the government was already recruiting me for…other things.”
“I knew you worked for the government.” What she’d suspected after the very first call with Grayson in the bayou. “There was no way you were some cold-blooded hitman.”
His eyelids flickered. “You are not listening to me. That is exactly what I am. What I became. I’ve taken out killers?—”
“ Killers ,” she pounced on that word, and she pounced on him, too. She jumped toward him. Grabbed both of his arms, and, yes, her sheet slithered to the floor. She’d worry about the sheet later. “You stopped bad people. You weren’t out there killing innocents.”
“A life is a life.”
“Were the people you stopped getting ready to hurt others? Getting ready to hurt you?”
He didn’t speak.
“I’ve been on the receiving end,” she said. Been there, done that. “They wanted to kill me in New Orleans and again in the bayou. When that guy with the gun tracked us to the cabin, you had to make a split-second decision. You made a decision that saved Kane and that saved me. You fired your weapon to stop him. Without you, I would be dead. So don’t expect me to jump on the Ronan-is-evil parade, because I won’t. Ever. You saved me. I’m betting you’ve saved plenty of innocent people in your life, too.”
“My life is soaked with blood.”
“Then let’s change that. You’ve given the darkness enough of your soul.” Her grip tightened on him. “You have shouldered enough pain. Let’s see what happens if you try for a different life.”
His gaze searched hers.
Hope stirred in?—
“There is no different life for me. Soon enough, Tyler will take you away. You will have a different life, and I’ll be sent on another hit.”
Ice skated over her skin. “Is that what you want? For me to get a life that’s far away from you?”
“You’ll be safe. I want you safe.” An inhale. Then his gaze darted down. “You lost your sheet.”
“Fuck the sheet.”
He blinked. “Such naughty language from you. Shocking, drama teacher.”
“You just bared your soul to me, and now you’re trying to shut down and block me out. That’s not going to work. I’m not scared of you, Ronan.”
“I didn’t think you were or else you wouldn’t come for me so easily.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not going to piss me off.”
“Are you sure? I’ve been told I have a talent for pissing off plenty of people. That I can do it pretty effortlessly.”
“You’re trying to put up a wall between us because you think you just revealed too much about yourself to me.”
“You’re naked, princess. There is no wall. And you’re revealing everything to me.” Lust heated his stare.
“Stop it. Be real with me again. Let me in again. ” She stood on her toes. “I can handle your secrets. I’m not going to turn away in horror.” But, maybe… “Is that what you wanted? Did you think I’d be horrified, and it would make me leaving you easier?”
His lips thinned.
Oh, adorable Ronan. One of her hands rose, and her finger skimmed over his faint scar. “Nothing is going to make leaving you easier. Didn’t you hear me before? I’m falling for you. I’ve never been in love, not until you came along. I’m pretty sure it will break my heart when I lose you.” Shatter it into a million pieces . “I’m not asking for you to love me back.”
“I never get personally involved in jobs. You can’t get involved in this line of work.” His gaze seemed to burn. “People die. They leave. They vanish. There is no room for a personal connection. People don’t get to know the real me?—”
“I do,” she interrupted. “I have. I know the real you.”
“I can’t love you, Luna.” Stark. “I’m not capable of it. I hunt, I kill, and I wait for the next target. There is nothing more in my life.”
That might have just been one of the saddest things he’d told her. No, hearing that he’d held his mother’s dead body was the saddest thing. She pressed onto her tiptoes. Her hand moved so that she could pull his head toward hers. Luna’s lips feathered over his.
“I said I can’t love,” he gritted against her mouth.
“And let me say…” Luna returned even though her heart hurt, “I love you. I don’t need you to love me back. It doesn’t change the way I feel.”
“Luna…”
She didn’t think anything could change the way she felt. Staring straight into his blue eyes, she told him, “This is me, telling my arrogant, growly protector that I would do anything for him. Telling the man who has saved me, made love to me, who helped me cross adventure items off my list…I’m telling him that he is so much more than he believes himself to be. You aren’t some cold-blooded killer. You’re a good man. Whatever happens, wherever I go, I won’t be forgetting you anytime soon.”
His hands clamped around her waist. He lifted her up, and her feet dangled off the floor. “I will never forget you,” he vowed.
Good to know.
Then he was kissing her. His mouth took hers in a deep, drugging kiss that promised to sweep everything else away. The doubts and the worries. The sadness and the pain that lingered in her heart. With the kiss, he was telling her that he couldn’t give her love.
Maybe he was right. Maybe he couldn’t love anyone.
But he could give her passion.
He would give her passion.
He lowered her onto the bed. Crawled on top of her. Began to unbutton his shirt. But her hand rose to his chest in order to stop him.
“Luna?” Fear flashed for just an instant on his face. “You don’t…you don’t want me anymore?” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Now that you know what I’ve done…”
“Don’t be silly. I’ll always want you. If you want the truth, I wanted you the first time we met. Back when I really did think you might be some cold-blooded hitman. What does that say about me?”
A furrow appeared between his brows.
“I will always want you,” she repeated because she realized Ronan needed to hear the words. So tough on the outside, but Ronan carried so much pain within him. Her left hand reached out and snagged the neck of the champagne bottle. “I just thought it was my turn to enjoy a drink.”
His eyes widened. “Luna?”
“Get out of those clothes, Ronan. I want to taste you.”