Chapter Twelve #2
She gulped in a breath of air. The two she loved most?
Was it true? Did she love James Ashford? The answer came surprisingly swiftly. Yes, you little fool. You have loved him from the beginning.
Her love for him was all-consuming. Shattering and dreadfully frightening. She would have a broken heart before long, with nothing but the memories of these wonderful months she’d had with him.
*
The evening after their fittings, Georgiana sat alone in the drawing room. The fire had burned low, casting long golden shadows across the freshly painted walls. Outside, rain tapped against the windows, creating a soft melody. She would miss the quiet of the country when they were in London.
Georgiana curled her legs beneath her on the settee, her shawl draped around her shoulders.
She hadn’t meant to stay up, but Cecily had gone to bed hours earlier, humming like a songbird about sea-foam and rose silk, and Georgiana had found herself restless.
Excited. Nervous. In two days time, they would leave for London.
The door creaked open behind her, and she looked up to see James enter, hair tousled, a book under one arm.
“Georgie, you’re still up? I thought everyone had retired.”
“Not quite everyone,” Georgiana replied, smiling softly. “Couldn’t sleep.”
“May I join you?” James asked.
“Yes, please.”
He crossed the room and settled into the armchair across from her. Why did he have to be so handsome? And why did her nerves seem to awaken the moment he came into view?
“Did I mention, I’ve got interviews in the morning? For the butler and valet.”
“Oh? With Mrs. Ellsworth?”
He nodded. “She insists I need a valet who knows the difference between a Windsor knot and a simple twist. And a butler who can help keep away unwanted suitors.”
Georgiana smiled. “She’s not wrong. You’re a gentleman and you must act accordingly.”
“Are you nervous to go to London?” James asked. “Because I’m feeling very much so and like I’d just like to stay here and hide away.”
“I feel the same way.”
He tilted his head against the chair back, watching her. “But your gowns are ready? Are you pleased with them?”
“I’m embarrassed to admit how much. They’re beautiful and make me feel young and hopeful.” She went on to gush over the gowns, telling him about their hues and cuts and details, like her mother might. “Dear me, I sound like my mother.”
“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying something beautiful. Or feeling beautiful in them. I can hardly wait to see you.”
“Really?” Her pulse quickened. “I was wondering what you would think of them.” Flushing, she looked down at her hands resting on her lap. “If you would approve.”
“As the seamstress said when I stopped to pay the bill this afternoon, you would look exquisite in crude burlap, so really what you wear is of no consequence. You shine, Georgie, from the inside out. Your wit and intelligence enhance your physical beauty so that a man has trouble thinking straight when in your presence.”
She lifted her gaze, head spinning with delight. “I’ve never had anyone say anything so kind to me. Thank you, James. And thank you for paying the bill at the shop. I didn’t expect you to pay for Mother and me.”
“Not long ago, the amount would have been my entire month’s salary, but that is no longer the case. Therefore, it is my pleasure to give you something that makes you feel pretty. I would pay any price for that.”
She grinned, warmed through and through by his kind words. “There’s an amount one should pay or not pay for gowns, no matter one’s fortune.”
“You’re no fun.” He smiled back at her before sobering. “Did your husband tell you how beautiful you are? He must have thought he was the luckiest man alive to have you to wake up to every morning.”
She swallowed, imagining what it would be like to wake up next to James.
Suddenly, it felt very important that he know the truth.
There was nothing she wanted to keep from him.
She wanted to open herself up and show all the soft, vulnerable parts she kept hidden to him.
“He didn’t wake up to me. In fact, he didn’t join me in my bed at any time.
” She peeked up at James, who was staring at her with a look of wonder.
“What are you saying, Georgie?”
She tucked her hands beneath her shawl. “My husband was a dear friend. But our marriage was not a great romance.”
“Why not?” James asked. “You had a lot in common. And it sounds like he chose you, even though you had no dowry. Usually that means a love match, does it not?”
“Perhaps. Our situation was unique.” She paused. Could she really tell him the truth about something so personal? “I didn’t know this until our wedding night, but Robert preferred men to women.”
James continued to stare at her, clearly shocked. “Did you suspect? Before you married, that is?”
“Not at all. I was an innocent back then. I’d not even known that there were others like him, living in secrecy.
But we came to an understanding. I would allow him to have freedom to do as he wished, with whomever he desired, in exchange for his mentorship.
If I couldn’t have love, I would have work that mattered to me.
Perhaps I even thought, in the back of my mind, that something could happen to him and I’d be left without anything but an ability to earn my own way. ”
“I cannot believe what you have endured.” James shook his head. “You deserved so much better.”
“The night we were married, I thought things would go as they usually do on wedding nights.” She blushed, remembering how embarrassed she’d been to stand in front of Robert in her lace nightgown, shivering from cold and nerves, only to have him sit her down in front of the fireplace to tell her who he truly was.
“But he told me the truth, right then and there. I’m grateful he didn’t try to bed me, to be honest. Had he done so and I’d found out the truth later, I would have been even more humiliated.”
“What did you do when he told you?” James asked, sitting forward slightly, clearly absorbed in her story.
“I cried.” She chuckled. “Which I mostly never do. I’m not a crier like some women. I can stuff a feeling down just as well as a man.”
James laughed. “Is that what men do?”
“A lot of them.”
“Anyway, continue with your story.”
She’d run out of his bedchamber to her own, where she climbed under the covers and cried herself to sleep like the little idiot she’d once been.
“I woke up the next morning with swollen eyes and a broken heart. I’ve always been a romantic and I truly thought we were in love.
Clearly, I didn’t know as much about the world as I thought I did. ”
“It’s not your fault. How were you to know?”
“The signs were there. He’d never done more than touch my hand. I thought it was noble of him. A true gentleman. But in hindsight, of course, I realized that wasn’t at all true.”
She watched James closely, as he absorbed all this information.
“Regardless of how crushed I was, I’d thought of a plan.
I told him what I wanted and he agreed to teach me the craft of architecture.
In that way, it was a successful union for me.
From that day forward, a close friendship developed between us.
There was no one like him. Funny and witty.
He made me laugh every day. I loved him very much, albeit platonically.
He had several men he spent time with on a regular basis but he always came home for supper, even if he went out again.
We had a small staff and I’m sure they knew the truth but no one said a word inside or outside of the house as far as I could tell.
He was the kind of man who instilled fierce loyalty and affection from everyone he came in contact with.
But he was not a rich man.” Her chest tightened, remembering the reading of his will, discovering that he’d left her only a small amount.
He’d not discussed their finances with her.
She’d assumed they were doing well enough that she needn’t worry over money ever again.
And that may have been true. Had he lived.
James tilted his head to the side, watching her. “Did you do as he did, take lovers?”
She shook her head, chuckling without mirth. “I wouldn’t even know how to go about finding a lover. All of it felt too messy for my taste. Getting involved has always seemed too risky. I had no intention of having my heart broken by some scoundrel.”
“That way no one could betray you as your father did. As Robert, in the end, did as well.”
“How so?” She felt defensive of her late husband. He’d told her the truth. Yes, it had been after the marriage. However, she had been the one in desperate need of a spouse.
“He left you without enough to live on, for one.”
“For two?”
“He didn’t tell you about his true nature until you’d already married him. To me, this reeks of betrayal.”
“If you’d known him, you’d see it differently.”
She could see by the glint in his eyes that he disagreed.
“As I said, you deserved better. But how brave you were. Still are.” James shifted slightly, his tone soft. “I don’t know that I’ve ever admired someone as I admire you.”
“But why?”
“We don’t have enough time in the world for me to tell you all the ways, nor I the poetic tongue to do so.”
“Oh, James, you do say the nicest things.”
“Don’t give up on love, Georgie. Someday, I expect you’ll meet someone who was made to love you and only you.”
“How can you say that when you don’t believe in love for yourself?”
He met her gaze. “I actually don’t know. I simply know that you are a gift to whoever is lucky enough to be in your life. Including mine.”
They sat in the quiet, the fire crackling low, the ache in her to touch him, to confess how much she loved him, nearly overwhelming her.
Tomorrow, everything would change. London awaited.
But tonight, for one quiet hour, it was enough just to sit with him and be seen.