19. Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Nineteen
Carrington
M y ringing phone pulls me out of my dream. The warm body lying halfway on top of me brings me to full consciousness. Thea’s lemony scent mingles with the heavy smell of sex lingering in the air. I snuggle in closer to her, just breathing her in. I don’t know how I’ve survived without waking up next to her all this time. My phone rings again, and I gently move to reach over to the nightstand for it.
Seth.
I check the time and see it’s a little past ten. I’m typically an early riser, but we didn’t get to sleep until just before dawn after getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies and talking. The phone keeps ringing in my hand. I know I need to talk to him—he wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.
Seth has been a lifesaver for me. Not just in the time I’ve been here, but pretty much since I met him. He’s the one who picked up my pieces when Thea left me. He’s the reason I started meeting with Dr. Ferris. He’s an integral part of my success; I wouldn’t be anywhere if I didn’t have his keen business mind on my side to help with starting my own restaurant. I’ve told him time and again that he could do so much better than hitching himself to my fledgling business, but he says he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
While I’ve been in Indigo Hill, he’s managed to keep everything running as though nothing has changed. I have curated a great kitchen staff at Carina Cove, and they run like a well-oiled machine. I can trust that the culinary experience isn’t suffering without me there, but I am also the face of the restaurant. People come to have me cook for them specifically. I have already missed a few important private events hosted at the restaurant. Thankfully, Seth was able to handle it with his usual grace, but it’s time to go back.
I have to figure out a plan. I can’t be in two places at once, but my heart is very clear about where it belongs. I have to figure out how to leave behind everything I’ve worked toward for almost half my life. No big deal.
And her.
My guilt gnaws at me. The ever-present pit in my stomach—which eases some when I’m in Thea’s company—is growing deeper every day. She doesn’t deserve this, and I’m sure there’s a special place reserved in hell for me for what I’ve done to her and what I’ll put her through when I get back to Seattle in a few days.
But it’ll all be worth it. I ache to tell Thea I love her, but I need to do it with a clear conscience and with no attachments.
I hit the answer button and whisper, “Hold on, man. Just give me a second.”
I kiss the top of Thea’s head where it’s lying on my chest and slowly disentangle myself from her limbs. She’s a snuggler; she has always needed to have a body part touching me while sleeping. On cold nights especially, she had a way of wrapping herself around my body where I thought I’d have to wear her like a backpack if I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Before I step out of the room, I watch Thea for just a second, enjoying her in her most relaxed state. Her face is soft, her lips slightly parted.
She’s so fucking beautiful.
It’s hard to walk away. I picture her underneath me last night, writhing and trembling, my rough hands on her smooth skin, the sinful sounds she made. I almost slip back into bed and wake her up with my mouth on her sweet pussy. The phone in my hand serves as a reminder that I need to leave the room, but it takes some serious effort to make my feet move. I gently close the door behind me and make my way across the kitchen while picking up my shirt and pants from the floor and slipping into them.
“Just one more second,” I say quietly into the phone. I then step out onto the patio right outside the kitchen. The morning is chilly, the weather is finally getting the message that it’s late November. It helps wake me up fully before I face what I know will be a difficult conversation.
“Hey,” I say.
“Carrington.” Seth’s no-nonsense tone greets me. It took me a while to get used to his all-business-all-the-time attitude. “What is going on?”
“Seth, my man. It’s good to hear from you.” Even to my own ears, my attempt at a light tone sounds like complete bullshit.
He sighs. It’s weighted and tinged with disappointment. He’s one of the few people in Seattle who know or remember Thea. For reasons still unknown to me, he never warmed up to her and seemed almost relieved when she left. Based on me being basically MIA over the last week and how I picked up the phone just now, I’m pretty sure he knows what I’ve been doing. The silence following his sigh is almost unbearable.
“Did you need something specific?” I ask.
“That’s what you’re going to say?” He waits for a response. When he doesn’t get one from me, he continues, “I’m going to assume you just pulled yourself out of her bed, so I’ll keep this brief.” I imagine him shaking his head, and the thought makes me bristle.
“Hey, don’t give me that. You know what this all means to me. I don’t have to explain myself to you.” I’m being a dick, and he doesn’t deserve it. Between the guilt of lying to Thea while also stepping out on a six-year relationship, and the sheer joy I felt this morning waking up with Thea wrapped around me, my head is all mixed up. I know I’ve fucked up epically, but I don’t know how to fix it. It has left me paralyzed. I have no right moves to make. Every single one ends up with someone hurt.
“No, I’m definitely not the one you have to explain yourself to.” Fuck. I hate that he knows exactly what to say to cut me down at the knees. At that, I sink down onto one of the chairs on the patio, and my hand immediately finds my forehead. I look out over Thea’s modest backyard, memories of us as kids seeping in.
“I fucked up, Seth,” I pause, “I fucked up eight years ago, and I haven’t stopped since.”
There’s a long silence and then another heavy sigh from him.
“We’re going to figure this out. You know I’m always here for you.” His tone is softer than before. He disapproves, but he’s being a friend first and foremost.
“Thanks, I appreciate it more than you know.”
“And you guys will figure it out. You’ll work through it. She’d be crazy not to find a way to forgive you.”
“Thanks, man,” I say. “It’s still early there, what’s up?”
There’s a long pause, and then he says, “I wanted to give you a heads up, but I decided it’s not as important as I thought it was. We can talk when you get back in a few days. It can wait.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. See you this weekend.”
“Yeah, see you,” I say.
I hang up and sit looking out over the yard without really seeing it for a while longer. As I replay the conversation with Seth back in my mind, I can’t help but wonder which she he was referring to.
I feel wrung out with guilt about what I’ve done, and I’m dreading the fallout from my conversations with both of them. But there is only one woman’s forgiveness I can’t live without.
Slowly, I stand and stretch. Pulling the sliding door open, I walk inside and creep over to Thea’s bedroom. I crack the door and see she’s still asleep. Not wanting to wake her, I walk back into the kitchen. Rummaging in drawers until I find a pen and a notepad, I quickly scrawl out a note to her and leave it on the kitchen counter.
Eight years ago my life derailed when Thea left me and moved back to our hometown. Today, I have to start getting it back on track, and the first step is to go back to my hotel and get a plan together. I have to find a way to leave Seattle in my past.