Chapter 23
A few days after Lola and Nash’s breakup went public, the full film crew convened at Lola’s house.
It was the first time they’d shot with everyone in weeks.
Lola found herself trying harder than usual to ignore Gloriana, who was observing from beside Renee.
They’d be meeting later that afternoon, and Lola intended to make the conversation about coming out, for real.
But for the moment, Lola was curled under a cashmere blanket on her living room sofa, wearing her glasses and a crushed expression. She delivered her best heartsick sigh as Cassidy told her, apparently for the first time, that news of the split had broken.
Cassidy had been looking forward to her first big moment in the documentary as Lola’s confidante while she navigated the sadly familiar waters of heartbreak.
It felt a little ironic. More than anyone, Cassidy had seen Lola truly heartbroken: the unwashed hair, the weight she’d lost, the bouts of tears.
Now, Cassidy was the only person who knew that Lola was truly moving on.
Lola hadn’t told her sister or Gloriana about Renee, but Cassidy ran Lola’s life.
It wasn’t her first rodeo when it came to managing the logistics of Lola’s secret relationships, and she’d treated the whole thing with encouraging but polite discretion.
So, when Cassidy’s brows tented and she asked, “How are you doing?” it was almost hard for Lola to remember that she was meant to be sad.
“I’m okay. Tired,” Lola answered, which was true.
She and Renee had been up late, talking about their plans for the film and experimenting with the vibrator they’d ordered.
This morning, when the makeup artist had commented on the purplish circles under Lola’s eyes, Renee had suggested they let them show.
“Nash and I tried to make it work.” Lola sighed. “We just couldn’t invest the time the relationship deserved. Nash’s career is taking off, and I’m focusing on my next album. In this industry, it’s so hard to put your relationship first.”
Cassidy tilted her head empathetically. “You make a lot of sacrifices for your career.”
“No one gets where I am without sacrifices.”
“Do you ever wonder if it’s worth it?”
Lola blinked at her. Cassidy’s expression was open but serious. This was a genuine question, Lola realized, not from the script she’d been given.
“I’m blessed that you can even ask me that. It’s hard to find love—for everyone, not just me. But I have to keep believing that there’s someone out there for me.”
“Cassidy, ask if she’s writing songs about Nash,” Gloriana called out, arms crossed. She did not look entertained by Cassidy’s digression.
Cassidy did as she was told.
Lola was meant to say that her fans could look forward to a Nash-themed break-up album, even if she’d never written a single thing about him. Instead, she said, “I always try to be honest about what I’m feeling, and to put that into my music. Nash will always have a place in my heart.”
W HILE THE CREW packed up, Lola led Gloriana into her office. Lola used this room so seldom that it looked exactly as it had in its Architectural Digest shoot years before. She hated how it felt like a room in a dollhouse, with herself the doll, playing at business.
She and Gloriana sat in a pair of armchairs as they ran through details related to the breakup.
Gloriana summarized the reaction in the tabloids and on social media, reviewed upcoming plans for Lola to step out looking fabulously single, and reminded her that the comms team would be scheduling times for her to respond to select fans’ comments on her post announcing the split.
As Gloriana neared the end of her agenda, Lola started to sweat.
The words stuck in her head like a song: telling, not asking .
“Just two more points, of a more personal nature,” Gloriana said, her tone losing its businesslike edge. “Now that you’re publicly single, I need to check in about your relationship with our esteemed director.”
Lola’s breath hitched. “With Renee?”
As if Gloriana could have meant anyone else.
“I’m aware that you two have been spending significant time together, and of course we have the Michigan incident.” Gloriana inclined her head. “Is something going on there?”
Lola swallowed hard. She hadn’t been expecting this.
It wasn’t that she’d specifically hidden the relationship with Renee from Gloriana—she would, of course, find out eventually.
It was just that what she and Renee had was so new, so precious.
She’d hoped for more time before Gloriana dragged her into discussions about the optics and deflecting scrutiny and a contingency plan for their eventual breakup.
Part of her, optimistic, recalled how Gloriana had insisted that Lola could only come out if her relationship with Ava was serious.
Things with Renee felt serious already, so that might ease things along.
But Lola’s gut was telling her that as much as Gloriana had resisted things with Ava, she seemed to like Renee even less.
And that, Lola had to admit, might have been a teeny tiny part of why she hadn’t told her manager about the relationship already.
“Well, yes. Something is going on,” she said. “We’ve really, you know, reconnected. I know you didn’t want things to get messy, but I promise they’re not, and they won’t be. Everything’s been really great, actually.”
Gloriana knew how long Lola had been alone, how bleak she’d felt after things with Ava ended. Now, Lola hoped for something like congratulations.
Instead, Gloriana said, “You know, I wish you’d come to me with this, instead of making me ask. I can’t protect you from things you don’t share with me.”
“I don’t think I need protection right now,” Lola said with an apologetic smile.
“I’ll have an updated NDA sent to her.”
This was the perfect time. Lola could segue right into the coming-out conversation, explaining how she wouldn’t have quite so many secrets to keep once the film was done. Telling, not asking.
Before she could get the words out, Gloriana grimaced and said soberly, “Trust is a delicate thing. I need to make you aware of a situation. Nash’s people informed us that there has been an incident regarding an exchange of photographs.”
Lola went cold all over. She had warned Nash that something like this could happen.
He’d promised he was being careful, but how careful could you be exchanging nudes as a public figure?
She knew how isolated Nash was feeling on the monthslong shoot.
The Horsebreaker set was in the middle of nowhere.
Still, there were some risks you just couldn’t take. Nash knew that.
Then again, Lola knew it too, and it hadn’t always stopped her.
“His blackmailer took advantage of the two of you being in the news,” Gloriana said. “It’s been handled. The photos are deleted, and his payoff has been transferred. Nash’s manager floated the idea of extending your relationship, but with our plans for the album, we declined.”
Lola could barely follow Gloriana’s words.
As much as she sometimes strained against her team’s management of her image, having that control ripped away was terrifying.
People like Lola and Nash had to justify their right to a private life, again and again, even if they weren’t gay and closeted.
Everyone at their level had learned to be stingy with their trust. Letting someone in meant handing over a weapon they could use to destroy your career, your business, your life.
“Our concern now is keeping you in the clear if Nash’s indiscretions do come out. Veronika’s worked up a few angles.”
“What kind of angles?”
“Just what you’d expect: he deceived and betrayed you; this explains why he never had time for you. And of course, he hid this dark secret from you.”
Her stomach clenched. She loved Nash. She couldn’t imagine dragging him in the press to protect herself, especially when she was guilty of the same crime he was. Which wasn’t a crime at all.
“Dark secret? That feels kind of homophobic.”
“Lola!” Gloriana blanched. “Let’s be careful throwing that word around.”
“I’d rather say that I support him on his journey or something. Since I do.”
“I’m not seeing how that approach would help us, but for now, this is only a contingency plan.
Hopefully it will stay that way.” Gloriana stood and settled her Birkin in the crook of her arm.
“Don’t look so upset, honey. I only mentioned this because I know you care for Nash. I thought you’d want to know.”
“Of course I want to know! I feel terrible for him.”
“So do I. Can you imagine being so cavalier? He got lucky this time, but one slipup like this can annihilate a career in a hot second.”
T HE INSTANT THE front door closed behind Gloriana, Lola grabbed her phone and ran to her bedroom. She shut the door, then went to the bathroom and shut and locked that door too, and only then did she allow her tears to fall.
Can we talk? she texted Nash.
Instead of a reply, she got a FaceTime call.
“If you’re going to beg me to take you back—honestly, I’d consider it,” he said through a broken smile. He was in his trailer, wearing a denim shirt and bolo tie. Outside the window, a dusky mountain range was visible. When he saw she was crying, his face fell. “I guess they told you.”
“Oh, Nash, I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, I’m okay. It’s taken care of. You don’t have to cry.”
“I do have to cry, because I love you, even though you’re an idiot.”
“Everyone agrees with you there,” he said. “Me included.”
Lola wiped a tear from her cheek. “Fuck whoever did this.”
“Is that Miss Lola Gray using the f-word?”
“I save it for times I need it to count,” she sniffed. “Tell me what happened?”
Nash told her the whole story: a moment of weakness for someone who wasn’t even special, then the demand to pay to stop the photos from leaking, and the humiliation of confessing his transgression to his manager.
“You know, when he threatened to leak those photos, I almost told him to do it. Make it look like an accident.”
“ Nash —”
“I’m kidding! Forget I said that. I’m tired, is all. The days are so long on this shoot.”
“No, I know what you mean. Lately I’ve been thinking of coming out.”
“Really?”
She told him everything that had happened in Michigan, and the idea for the film.
“What do you think?” she asked.
He sighed. “Part of me wishes I could do something like that. And part of me already has the anxiety shits from hearing you talk about it. But I’m proud of you. It’s cute that you’re in love with her enough to come out.”
“I didn’t say I’m in love with her!”
Nash rolled his eyes.
There was a knock at the door. Renee’s voice: “Lo, are you okay? The crew’s gone.”
“Go,” Nash said. “I’m good, baby. Honest.”
“Okay. Call me anytime.”
“You’re my favorite ex-girlfriend.” Nash winked, then ended the call.
When Lola opened the bathroom door, Renee had an arm braced against the jamb. Her face was wrought with concern.
“What happened with Gloriana? You ran up here so fast. Don’t tell me she said no, because I will—”
“I didn’t get to bring it up. Something important came up, and I can’t tell you what it was. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay.” Renee took in her tear-streaked face. “Come here.”
Lola buried her face in Renee’s warm shoulder. Renee’s arms were steady and strong around her. A final tear spilled from Lola’s eyes as the panic she felt about Nash drained away. She was okay. She was safe. She was in control.
“I’ll tell Gloriana soon, I promise,” she said into Renee’s chest.