Chapter 33
I s that my girl?” Renee said as Lola entered the house. Lola’s body flooded with hot, exhausted relief. She launched herself into Renee’s arms and hugged her tight.
“I missed you,” Lola said into Renee’s shoulder. She was blinking back tears, still. She hadn’t entirely stopped crying since Gloriana’s call.
“It felt like forever,” Renee said. “Kiss me?”
Lola rose up on her toes and kissed her, her lips firm and insistent against Renee’s mouth. She needed it to mean something. It was the last kiss they’d share before she told Renee that everything had to change.
Renee broke the kiss and grinned. “You want to go upstairs?”
“I have to talk to you.”
Renee’s face fell at the wavering in Lola’s voice. “What’s wrong?”
Just then, Renee’s phone buzzed on the hall table. Reflexively, both Renee’s and Lola’s attention snapped to the screen.
You gonna ignore this too?
Renee had the pictures up in seconds. “Whoa.”
“I know, I just saw it,” Lola said. Panic thinned her voice. “My team got a denial in the article. Actually, they offered to put out a statement denying the whole thing, but we agreed that ignoring it is best—unless you want me to say something.”
Renee looked up from her phone. “What are you talking about?”
“Like it’s a violation of privacy or the photos were taken out of context or something. I know what you’re thinking, but these things always blow over and everyone will forget about it eventually.”
“You think that’s what I’m thinking?”
Lola stared at Renee, her tired brain racing. She’d been certain Renee would be upset that their private moment had been thrust into the spotlight. She’d been trying to reassure her, but Renee just looked confused.
“I don’t need people to forget about this, Lo,” Renee said.
“Yes, it’s messed up. This isn’t how I wanted everyone to find out we’re together, but I don’t want to keep hiding.
People are going to find out soon anyway, with the film and everything.
” Renee thumbed through the photos again.
“Honestly, we look really cute—although it’s weird they didn’t publish the actual kiss.
What was a pap doing in Petoskey anyway?
Maybe it was, like, a nature photographer in the wrong place at the right time. ”
Lola didn’t know what to say. How could Renee talk about the photos like she might post them on Instagram, when that paparazzo could easily have blackmailed Lola, like someone just did to Nash?
Not that Lola had told Renee about Nash’s situation, but Renee had to know those things happened.
The pap had obviously sat on the photos for so many weeks to sell them when it would really hurt.
But of course Renee didn’t understand. She didn’t have Lola’s status.
She was, like Gloriana had said, a graduate student.
“It’s better not to fan the flames of this kind of thing,” Lola said. “Gloriana asked that for the time being, when we’re in public, we keep it strictly to filming.”
Renee started. “What the hell?”
“She doesn’t want us to be seen out together unless you’re with the camera, that’s all.”
“Oh, that’s all ?” Renee rolled her eyes. “Did you tell her to go fuck herself or should I? Oh—Lo, you didn’t .”
“Only until this blows over!”
“I don’t want to wait to be seen in public with you until ‘this blows over.’ Can’t your team build this into their twenty-step coming-out strategy?”
Lola’s breath caught in her throat. She shrank under Renee’s insistent gaze.
“They can, right?” Renee asked slowly. “They’re on board. Right?”
Lola felt very far away from her body, like she was a balloon barely tethered to a weight on the ground. She heard herself say, “We decided to put the plan on pause.”
Renee’s whole body seemed to flare with outrage. “On pause? The hell does that mean?”
“We’re not sure this is the right time.”
“God, Lo, after everything, how can you still let her run you over like this?”
“I’m not! Gloriana looks out for me!” Lola said, bristling. “I don’t think you realize how complicated this is for me.”
“And I don’t think that you realize that you’ve got a whole team of people who are making it as complicated as possible, to keep you in the closet, because they think it’s better for your career.”
“That’s not true!”
“Then what is it? Is it you? Because you’ve told me a thousand times that you wanted to come out, and I believed you.” Alarm flashed over Renee’s face at Lola’s cowering. “You did tell Gloriana that this is what you wanted. Coming out, the film. You told her like you said you did. Right?”
Lola couldn’t think, couldn’t figure out what to say. She couldn’t lie, but the truth felt like a sword hanging over her neck.
“I should have fucking known,” Renee moaned. She shoved a frustrated hand into her hair. “But it’s exactly like she said: if you really wanted to, you would.”
“Like who said?” Icy cold washed over Lola. “Who said that, Renee?”
“I was going to tell you about it today—”
“Did you talk to Ava about me?”
Renee’s shoulders were immediately at her ears. Her gaze darted to the door, then the ceiling, then she said, “I should have discussed it with you first, but it came together so fast, and you were traveling. And I was going to have to interview her eventually.”
“No. No, you weren’t.” Lola’s chin was trembling, her words uneven.
“Right, now I won’t have to, but this happened before I knew you would do a complete one-eighty on the project.”
“This is my life!” Lola cried. “It’s not some school project.”
“The film is more than a school project!” Renee shouted back.
“I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, all the attention you’ve been getting. That’s why you put so much pressure on me, isn’t it?”
Renee’s face had gone bright red. Angry—Renee was angry, which felt ferociously unfair when Lola was hurt . How could Renee expect Lola to shove her own pain aside just because Renee was bigger and louder and more demanding than Lola ever allowed herself to be?
“No,” Renee said. “You don’t get to act like I was using you when you told me this is what you wanted. But you were never going to come out, were you?”
Tears were streaming down Lola’s face now. She didn’t bother to wipe them away. “I would have done it for you.”
“I don’t want you to do it for me!” Renee roared. Lola flinched, but Renee didn’t stop. “Don’t you get that? You’re supposed to do it for yourself. How am I supposed to know what you actually want, when you only ever say what you think I want to hear?”
“ Renee .”
“Were you faking all your orgasms with me too?”
“ Renee! ” Lola sobbed.
Renee folded her arms. Her eyes were dry.
“I’ve done nothing but try to make you happy,” Lola cried. “What else do you want from me?”
“Nothing.” Renee’s voice was suddenly flat. “Look, I’m going to stay at the hotel tonight.”
“Renee, no—stay, please. We can work this out.”
“I need to clear my head.” But Renee’s face was still and calm. There was a distance in her that Lola had never felt before, like she barely saw Lola standing right in front of her. It terrified her. “I’ll just grab some stuff so I can try to get some work done. See what I can salvage.”
Lola stood frozen at the bottom of the stairs while Renee went up, then came back down with her stuffed backpack. Lola grabbed for her. “Don’t go, please. I’ll do anything you want, absolutely anything.”
But Renee pulled her arm free. Her green eyes were cold. “What I want is for you to stop saying things like that.”
When Renee was gone, Lola sank to her knees on the marble floor and cried.