Chapter 34 #2
Renee laughed, but a lump had formed in her throat. “You do. I’m kind of realizing that I tend to run away when things get uncomfortable. I’m sorry, Kadijah. You’re one of my favorite people, and I hate that I hurt you.”
“You did hurt me,” Kadijah said. “You know I went through stuff too after you left? Zane caused all this drama in the polycule. He tried to bring in this girl who didn’t want to get STD tested.”
Renee mimed a gag. “Who has a problem with getting tested?”
“People who probably have STDs! But I had no one to bitch to about it, because you’re the only one I can bitch to about the polycule, because you’re not in it!”
“Do you want to bitch to me now?”
Kadijah waved this off. “We vetoed her polycule membership, but Zane sulked for weeks. And you know, being a manager at Prince’s is actually really hard. I had to fire the guy I hired to replace you, and I felt terrible. And everyone complained about the shifts I gave them.”
“I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you.”
Kadijah let out a heavy breath. “Actually, I hate managing so much that it made me realize I can’t spend my life slinging coffee. I’ve been talking to your mom about getting into teaching. She got me started doing some substitute jobs and I’m applying to programs.”
“That’s amazing—you’d be a great teacher. I can’t believe I got so wrapped up in my own drama that I missed all that. The only thing I can do is promise to do better in the future.”
“I appreciate that,” Kadijah said.
“Are we good?” Renee asked, hopeful.
“We’re good.”
They hugged. Renee squeezed Kadijah hard, thankful to have them in her life—and that she’d put in the effort to keep them there.
As they settled back into their seats, Kadijah said, “Look, the apology’s great and all, but you better be planning to spill the tea about Lola. I know something was going on with you two.”
“Yeah, you and the whole fucking internet,” Renee grumbled. “I’ll tell you, but honest to god, you can’t tell anyone. I wasn’t kidding about the NDAs.”
“I’ll take your secrets to the grave,” Kadijah said, with a hand laid honorably on their chest.
Renee took a fortifying swallow of bourbon, then glanced around the bar, like she’d seen Lola do so many times. “Lola and I, um, fell in love.”
“You what ?” Kadijah sputtered. “But then why are you—and she’s in—”
“Everything got ruined.” Renee was already blinking back tears.
“Tell me the whole story, from the beginning.”
And Renee did, as honestly as she could.
She told them about the one-night stand—to which Kadijah gasped, “I knew you got some at that wedding!”—and how they struggled to ignore their chemistry on set.
She told them about the PR relationship with Nash, because the story wouldn’t make sense to Kadijah without him, and the truth about #Lava.
Kadijah said it was very romantic of Renee to sweep Lola away up to Michigan, even though Renee protested that she’d only had platonic expectations at the time.
“Didn’t look platonic in those pictures,” Kadijah said. “I still can’t believe you got papped in Petoskey.”
Renee grimaced. “I don’t know how they found us. Only like three people even knew where we were, and one of them was my mom.”
The next part was hardest to tell, because it had felt so good at the time that now the memories were painfully tender.
“When we got back, everything fell into place. Lola was writing songs again—really, really good stuff.”
“Good stuff about you ?” Kadijah said.
When Renee blushed, Kadijah hooted with glee.
“I know she was happier with me, but it was obvious that staying in the closet was holding her back. She’d told me a dozen times that she was ready to come out but had never found the right moment. So, I suggested she do it in the film.”
Kadijah clicked their tongue. “I don’t think you’re supposed to suggest that kind of thing to people.”
“I thought I was giving her the encouragement she needed. Her management was always against it, and she never stands up for herself. She seemed excited, but then put off talking to her manager for weeks.” Renee pressed her lips together and took a deep breath.
“But I was under pressure too. I was really counting on that angle for my thesis. Instead of telling me she was having second thoughts, she said her manager had approved it when she hadn’t. ”
“Yikes,” Kadijah said. “That’s really shitty of her, but honestly? It sounds like neither of you did a great job communicating.”
“I tried! What can I do if she’s lying to me about how she feels? I just wanted to make her happy, and I really thought this would.”
“Sometimes it’s not about making your partner happy. It’s about being there for them when they aren’t.”
As wise as that sounded, Lola had needed someone to tell her it was okay to choose herself. Renee couldn’t bring herself to regret doing that.
“When those pictures came out, her manager talked her out of coming out, so the film was screwed.”
“Which you got mad about.”
“I was already mad.” Renee downed the rest of her drink. “She’d just told me that she’d agreed not to be seen in public with me.”
Kadijah’s eyes went round. “She what ?”
“It was her manager’s idea, but she said yes to it. It really—it just really fucking hurt.” Renee’s voice broke. Kadijah reached across the table and squeezed her hand. After a moment, Renee said, “But I hurt her too.”
She told Kadijah about interviewing Ava.
“It was a huge mistake. I was going to apologize, but I didn’t get the chance. I mean—I walked out before I apologized.” She glared at Kadijah. “ Don’t say it.”
Kadijah’s jaw was set, but Renee could still hear them, loud and clear, calling her Walk Away Renee.
“To summarize,” Kadijah said, “Lola thinks you put her up to coming out for your film career, and even though that’s not what you were doing, you basically proved her right by sneaking around with Ava and leaving her the minute the film hit a speed bump.”
“It sounds pretty bad when you put it like that.”
“That it does.” Kadijah flagged down the waiter. “We’re going to need another round.”