Chapter 27 #3
Jesse tried. He settled with his head against the single pillow, watching Cal closely at first, anticipation growing every second, until he decided maybe that was part of the problem. He lifted his gaze to the ceiling instead.
Cal was as careful as he had been before, fingertips sliding over his stomach, the inside of his thighs, the underside of his knees.
Jesse’s pulse hammered, just like it had the night in Cal’s bed, but he was beginning to wonder if it was less from anticipation and more from the way a part of him desperately wanted to curl in on itself the way a piece of paper did when it had been rolled up for too long.
“Maybe less teasing,” he finally croaked, still staring at the ceiling.
“Sure,” Cal agreed.
Jesse shut his eyes as his underwear disappeared down his legs.
There was a flash of sensation when Cal’s fingers wrapped around him, but it faded just as quickly, back into the same sort of ambivalence that had been plaguing him since puberty.
It was exactly how he felt on the rare occasion he touched himself similarly while seeking the fleeting pleasure of release.
But if that’s all the result Cal was going to get for his efforts, Jesse felt he should warn the man.
“Sometimes it t-takes a while,” he stammered, the last part leaving him on an exhale.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Jesse said the only thing he could think of.
“Kiss me?”
Cal was beside him then, pressing their mouths together. Jesse let out a breathy moan and leaned into it, grateful to have something else to focus on. It felt natural for him to bring his hand between them, gripping Cal and working him much the same, though with far less experience.
He tried to copy everything Cal was doing, moving his wrist a certain way, slowing down or going faster, until Cal stopped kissing him.
Jesse opened his eyes and watched as his co-star’s face contorted in what almost looked like pain, head thrown back, and then he groaned.
The twitching in Jesse’s hand became Cal spending across his wrist.
It took a moment for Cal to come back to himself, which Jesse understood. He would already be drifting off to sleep by that point in the same situation. Instead, Cal brought a hand to the side of Jesse’s face and kissed him, slow and sated, and Jesse felt that he’d done a good job.
Cal looked down between them.
“Have you—?”
Jesse shook his head.
“You don’t have to keep going.”
“But that’s not fair to you,” Cal said.
“I’m sorry,” Jesse whispered, biting his lip not with a smile, but shame. “There’s something wrong with me. I can’t…I don’t like this.”
Cal started to move away, but Jesse reached for him, the rest of his worries spilling out before he could stop them.
“I don’t mean that I don’t like being with you. I do, honest. It’s just—I don’t feel good when you touch me that way. It makes my whole body panic, and I can’t understand it. I know I’m supposed to want this. But I—”
“Jesse,” Cal said, his voice calm. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“But Monty said—”
“Monty?” Cal snapped in surprise.
“—that I just have to relax, only that feels impossible when all I want to do is push your hand away and snuggle up beside you instead.” He wiped his arm on the blanket beneath them and covered his face with his hands. “I know you must be thinking you’ve made a terrible mistake.”
“The only mistake I’ve made is not listening closer to what you were really telling me.
” Cal’s arms came around him, and Jesse rolled into the embrace.
“You’re allowed to not want sex. There are plenty of other people who feel the same way you do.
” He paused and kissed the top of Jesse’s head. “I was married to one of them.”
Jesse pulled back. “Really?”
Cal nodded.
“But Edie is so…so beautiful, and confident, and everyone loves her.”
“And she still doesn’t want to share her bed. Nor does she have to. That’s her choice.”
Jesse’s stomach dropped selfishly.
“Is that why you…?”
“No,” Cal said softly. “There were a lot of reasons why our marriage failed, but that wasn’t one of them.”
“But you obviously enjoy it.”
“Sure I do. But it’s not so important as to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Jesse sat with this information while Cal rubbed his back. Their legs had tangled together somewhere along the way, but it felt more secure than intimate.
“What if I never get better?” Jesse asked finally.
“It’s not an illness you need to be cured of. It’s part of who you are.”
Jesse had never considered himself to be someone who didn’t want to be physically intimate. He’d hardly ever thought about it at all. But now, the notion was much clearer.
“I liked making you feel good,” he said quietly against Cal’s chest, where his cheek had come to rest.
Cal’s chuckle was deep under his ear.
“You’re more than welcome to do it again. But as for the rest, that’s up for you to decide. And I’ll be here for whatever your decision is.”
Jesse let out a long, content sigh, trying his best not to take Cal’s words as some sort of declaration clouded by his own feelings.