Chapter 45
Chapter Forty-Five
Asher
Me
You home, Juliette?
Juliette
No, I’m at my parents’ house.
You didn’t go home?
I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay close in case you needed me.
T he knowledge that she stayed here, right on my street, because I might need her, has love bursting in my chest, making my heart feel like it’s too big for my body. My arms literally ache to get around her, and suddenly the five houses between us is an unacceptable distance.
Me
Can I come over?
Juliette
You don’t have to. I can come to you.
I peer out the window and see that the flurries I noticed when the guys left a little while ago have turned into a real snowfall.
Me
Stay put. It’s snowing. I’m on my way.
Juliette
If you insist.
I absolutely do.
Less than a minute later, I’m walking out my front door. I consider getting in the car, but the crisp, snowy February air draws me in, so I set off on foot, my boots leaving the first footprints on the snowy sidewalk.
Rachel Parker opens the front door just as I’m raising my hand to knock. I know immediately that she must know about today because Rachel says nothing, just takes a step forward and wraps me in a hug that settles my nervous system in a way that only a mom hug can. After a minute or so, she pulls away just enough to cup my face in her hands, kissing my forehead and both of my cheeks, before smoothing my hair away from my forehead. I realize that must be the Parker gesture of comfort, and I feel both a wave of longing for my own family and gratitude that it seems like maybe I have a family here too.
“Come inside, Asher—it’s freezing out here.” Rachel leads me into the light and warmth of their entry way. I start peeling off my jacket, but she holds out a hand to stop me. “You’re probably going to want to hang on to that.”
I briefly wonder why she thinks I’m going to need my jacket inside her house, but she is looking at me with a face so full of sympathy that I should probably hate it, but I don’t because it’s so damn comforting. The jacket stays on .
“Julie told Steven and me what’s going on. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, Asher.”
I swallow hard, the frank sympathy a blow to the very questionable grip I have on my emotional control.
“I told you yesterday that if you ever needed anything you could come here, and I meant it. You mean everything to Julie, and that means you’re important to Steven and me too.”
“Thank you,” I force out then clear my throat, trying to maintain some semblance of calm.
Rachel looks at me with understanding. “This is the worst day of your life.”
I appreciate that it’s a statement and not a question.
“Yes.”
“Well, on the worst day of your life, what you need is your people. I know Jules sent you one of your people earlier today.”
“Three of them, actually.”
Rachel nods, smiling. “Those boys have always run in a pack. And have you spoken to your family yet?”
I shake my head slowly. “I haven’t. I didn’t…I mean I can’t…” I blow out a breath, shaking my head before trying again. “I wasn’t ready to tell them yet. I needed to get it straight in my head and work out what comes next for me before I try and explain it to them. Especially over the phone. This is one of those times when it’s really hard to be so far away.”
“You take however long you need, Asher. This is an earthquake right in the middle of your life. It’s going to take some time to get your feet steady under you. Now I love seeing your face, but I know it’s not me you’re here to see. She’s out back. She’s always liked sitting outside when it snows.”
I smile a little at that. “We have that in common.”
Rachel leads me through the kitchen, and when I get to the sliding glass door to the back yard, I see Julie on the covered deck curled up on a couch in front of an outdoor fireplace, staring out at the snow. Even just seeing her from the back, her blonde waves spilling over her shoulders, has my entire body relaxing. My shoulders drift down from where they were hovering somewhere close to my ears, and my jaw unclenches. My fingers stop digging into my palm and my breathing slows.
“Love looks good on you,” Rachel says quietly. “On both of you. I’m glad you found each other. You go ahead out, honey. She’s been waiting for you, and I think you’ve been waiting for her too.”
With that, Rachel pats me on the cheek and leaves the kitchen while I slide open the glass door and step outside.
Julie
I turn as soon as I hear the door slide open. Asher stands in the doorway, and for a few heartbeats we look at each other. His face is sad, but the love in his gaze steals my breath.
“Juliette.” He steps outside and is across the deck and around the outdoor couch where I’m sitting in a few long strides. He doesn’t join me on the couch, but kneels down in front of me, his hands pushing under the blanket I have tossed over my lap to bracket my hips. I lean forward, sliding my hands around his neck, my thumbs drifting over his jaw. He kisses me, soft and gentle, before resting his forehead against mine. We stay that way, breaths mingling in the cold air, bodies warmed by the outdoor fireplace that roars in front of the couch.
“You didn’t go home.” His voice is low, laced with both pain and gratitude, and I’m fascinated by the way I can pick out the separate emotions in his voice. Yes, I know this man. Every single inch of him. There is a remarkable sort of comfort in that thought, and it settles me down to my core. Right here is the steady, rock-solid kind of love that lasts lifetimes. And it’s mine.
“I couldn’t. The thought of going to my house after spending time in yours wasn’t appealing, and I hated being that far away. Even if you didn’t need me, I liked knowing I was right down the street in case you did. I wanted to stay close to you.”
I’ve barely finished my sentence before Asher’s breath hitches. His eyes slam shut. I can feel his body start to shake with the effort of holding himself together, and watching him try so hard not to break has my own heart breaking.
“I’m going to…I need…I can’t.” His breath is coming in fast pants, and I can feel his heart pounding. Without looking at me, he stands from his crouch to sit next to me on the couch, and I lift up the blanket so he can scoot in closer. I slide an arm around his back and put my other hand on his cheek to turn his face towards me. When our eyes meet, his are covered in a sheen of tears.
“I’m ready fall apart now,” he manages. “I can’t hold it in anymore.”
“You don’t have to hold it in anymore, Asher. You can fall apart right here. It’s just you and me out here, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe with me too.”
That’s when he breaks. Tears flood his eyes and spill down his cheeks, and he leans forward, a gut-wrenching sob coming straight from his chest. I guide him sideways, so his head is on my lap, and I hold onto him while he cries. His shoulders shake and his chest heaves as his grief pours out of him. My own eyes water as my strong, funny, always cheerful man cries out his heartbreak at the untimely loss of the game that has meant so much to him and the uncertain future ahead .
I keep one arm locked around him and I stroke my other hand through his hair while he cries, whispering things like, “I’ve got you,” and “let it out.” I don’t know how long we stay like that, Asher’s head on my lap, his tears falling onto the blanket while the snow swirls beyond the deck and the fireplace warms us. Eventually Asher’s sobs quiet and his breathing slows. When he sits up, swinging one leg up on the couch so we can face each other, his eyes are red-rimmed and exhausted. He weaves our fingers together, picking one of my hands up to press a kiss to my knuckles.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Asher. This is part of the deal.”
His mouth quirks up on one side, like he’s trying to smile but can’t quite get there. “Part of what deal?”
“You know, the relationship deal. You sat with me and held me through a panic attack on my office floor when you barely knew me. You helped me face some demons that have haunted me for my entire life. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to help you when you need it. It’s not all road trips and gummy worms and Big Gulps and giant barbershop polls in small town America. Sometimes everything goes to shit and you’re sitting on your office floor thinking you’re going to die or crying your eyes out in the freezing cold in the middle of a snowstorm.”
“If I have to cry my eyes out, I guess doing it outside during a perfect snowfall isn’t the worst way.”
I smile, thinking about that day in my office when he used the snow to distract me from my panic. “I love being outside during the snow. My family thinks I’m crazy, but I’ve been sitting in this exact place watching the snow since I was a kid. It’s the reason my parents covered the porch when I was eight or nine—to give me a place to watch the snow and stay dry. It always makes me feel better, even when things are shit. ”
“I love it too. And everything has definitely gone to shit,” he says, with a tiny bit of amusement in his voice. Then he takes a breath and blows it out slowly. “I’m ready to talk about it now.”
“Tell me,” I say, drawing our joined hands into my lap.
“First of all, I’m sorry for telling you to leave. It was a mistake. I needed you. I always need you. But I was scared. I didn’t mean to push you away or make you feel like I didn’t want you with me.”
“You didn’t. Was there a part of me that was anxious about it? Sure. I’m an anxious person, and I probably always will be. But I get it. Seriously, I do. You need to navigate this however feels right to you.”
“It never feels right when you’re not there.”
“Well obviously,” I deadpan. “I’m fantastic. But it’s also okay to need someone who isn’t me. That’s why I sent you Jeremy.”
“Thanks for that. I didn’t realize how much I needed to talk to someone who has been where I am. And probably worse off, since I played for double the amount of time he did. And he brought friends.”
I laugh a little. “I thought he might. I’m glad he did. Those three can make anyone feel better about anything. Did they bring food? I told Jeremy to bring food.”
“They did. I think they brought every takeout that’s available in the city. I’ve never eaten tacos and french fries together before, but it doesn’t suck.”
I nod, knowingly. “Because you can’t reheat tacos, and french fries suck when they’re cold and are worse when you heat them up.”
Asher chuckles. “That’s what they said.”
“Yeah, I’ve eaten a lot of takeout with them in my day. I know the drill.”
“Eating was good. And so was Jeremy forcing me to talk about it but just stick to the facts. You know them. Bad arthritis. Extremely fucked shoulder. I need tons of PT and probably surgery at some point. Maybe a complete shoulder replacement. I won’t ever play in the NFL again.”
I can see his eyes glaze over a little at that, but he seems steadier.
“But I didn’t talk to them about what comes next. It didn’t feel right to talk to them about it first. I want to talk to you. You’re my person.”
It lights me up when he says that. I’m lucky to have a lot of people, but I’ve never had a person before, the way my parents have each other or Ben has Hallie. But now I do. And he is the very best person.
“So, tell me, Hot Shot. What comes next?”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out, and then another one. “Retirement. I’m retiring. I haven’t said that word yet. I didn’t want to say it first to anyone but you.”
“How does it feel to say it?” I ask, hoping it’s the right question.
He seems to really consider it. “Not as scary as I thought it would feel, actually. I don’t know what any of the details are. I still haven’t checked my phone, but I’m sure I have a million missed calls from everyone from my coach to the PR people for the team wondering what the fuck I’m going to do. And I still have to talk to my agent, and I haven’t even told my parents yet, so I’m sure it will be some time before the actual announcement but yeah. I’m retiring. It’s fucking weird to retire when I’m only thirty-one, but I guess now I can buy a sports car and play golf and do all those retirement things.”
I laugh at that. “Do you want to buy a sports car and play golf?”
“Fuck no. Golf is boring as shit, and I love my Range Rover. Those just feel like retirement things. ”
“I think whatever things you decide to do are retirement things. And I kind of have a confession to make. It’s embarrassing.”
“Juliette, sweetheart, I just cried all over you for half an hour. You can tell me anything.”
I cringe a little, but decide to just let it out. “Okay, so after dinner with my parents, I was trying to decide what to do with myself. You obviously know this, but I don’t do well with uncertain things. And for pretty much my whole adult life when things are uncertain, I do research and make lists and spreadsheets. And, well, it might make more sense for you to see it.” I grab my phone from the cushion next to me and unlock it before handing it to him.
He scans it before looking back up at me, his face a little incredulous. “Is this…”
“A spreadsheet of what the most successful retired football players are doing in their retirement? Yes.”
“It’s color coded.” His voice is filled with awe, but I still kind of want to hide under the couch.
He locks the phone and sets it down on the couch. “You made me a spreadsheet for my post-retirement career options?”
I nod, thinking that maybe I should have white knuckled it through the anxiety of it all while I was waiting to hear from him. But then Asher picks me up and sits me down on his lap, crushing me to his chest in a hug and burying his face in my hair.
“Fuck, I love you,” he says into my neck. “I love your brilliant, gorgeous brain that now knows what every retired NFL player went on to do with their careers, and I’m so fucking lucky that you get to be mine.”
He pulls back and with his hands tangling in my hair, he presses his mouth to mine in a kiss that is full of passion and fire. He glides his tongue along the seam of my lips, and I open for him. Sucking my bottom lip into his mouth, he nips it with his teeth and the tiny prink of pain sends a jolt of arousal right between my legs. When he finally slides his tongue inside my mouth to glide against mine, he tastes every part of me until butterflies are rioting in my stomach and a groan rumbles through his chest. Reaching down to my waist, he pushes under my sweatshirt and his hands are so cold that I gasp against his mouth, and start to laugh a little, ruining the moment.
He pulls away looking a little sheepish. “I guess here’s probably not the best place anyway.”
I grin at him. “You mean you don’t want to get naked outside in thirty-degree weather while my parents are inside?”
He grips my chin and kisses me again, hard and quick. “Juliette, I would happily get naked with you anywhere, anytime. But I have one more thing to tell you.”
I put a hand on his chest. “I have one more thing to tell you too. Can I go first?”
“Absolutely you can.”
“Okay. I realized something earlier while I was making that list for you.”
He leans in and kisses my neck, tightening his arms around my waist. “By list, you mean color-coded spreadsheet separated by team, age, post-retirement career path, and endorsement deals?”
His voice is full of amusement, and I huff out a breath. “Yes. That one. It’s not finished. I stopped halfway through because I realized that I didn’t want to help you figure this out on a spreadsheet. For the first time, probably in my entire adult life, I realized that I was actually okay to wait for you to come to me. To talk about how you feel and what you think without trying to fix everything for you. It’s in my nature to try and fix everything with facts and logic, but this time, I just wanted to know how you felt, and I wanted to help you carry that, not try to fix it.”
I stare down at my hands, embarrassed by how groundbreaking it is for me to be able to sit in uncertainty. It’s probably something I should have figured out years ago.
“Juliette, look at me.” Asher’s voice is gentle, and when I don’t look up, he hooks a finger under my chin and tips my chin up so I’m staring up at him.
“I’m proud of you, sweetheart. And just the fact that you exist, and are sitting here with me on this couch outside in the middle of this perfect snowfall, makes everything easier. You make everything easier. When I’m with you, my whole world makes sense. I think maybe we were meant to find each other now. To do this, whatever comes next, together. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I do know that I want you with me for all of it.”
At that, I wrap my arms around Asher and melt into his body. His heart beats against mine and his warm breath flutters against my ear. Love for him flows through me. When our gazes lock, the connection that zings between us is true and steady and strong.
“I’ll be there for all of it. Every single minute.”
He smiles and kisses my nose. “I’m counting on it. And when I said I didn’t know what’s going to happen, I meant more in the logistical, all the things I need to do to actually retire part of it.” He breaks off and swallows hard, like the word retire is still too enormous to say.
Shaking his head, he starts again. “I think I might know what I’m going to do with all the free time I’m about to have in my schedule.”
I smirk at him. “Make me breakfast every day because I suck at it?”
“Definitely that. And when I’m done making you breakfast, I think I’m going to work with Jeremy. He wants me to be in charge of the camps he’s starting. The actual position is program director, or something like that. But really, it’s running the sports camps and working with the kids. Maybe the actual day I find out I can’t play anymore is too soon to make a decision about what comes next for me, but I don’t know. When he mentioned it, it just felt right.”
I smile at him because it feels right to me too. “I think it sounds perfect.”
He lets out a relieved breath and tugs me against him so that I’m leaning back against his chest, his arms wrapped around me as we both stare out at the still falling snow.
“Hey Juliette?”
“Yeah?”
“As much as I’d like to sit like this forever, the fire is dying and it’s fucking freezing. I think it’s time to go inside.”
I snuggle back into him, so comfortable I don’t want to move, even though I can’t feel my toes anymore. “Okay, but do you want to stay here tonight? I’m exhausted and your bed is so far away. I have one right upstairs.” I turn my head and grin at him a little wickedly. “And my parents sleep at the other end of the house.”
Asher lets out a faux gasp. “Julie Parker, are you telling me you want to have sex, with me, in your childhood bedroom, under the same roof as your parents?”
I sit up and turn in his lap so I’m facing him. “That is exactly what I’m telling you, Hot Shot, and I’d like it to happen as soon as possible.”
I’ve barely finished my sentence when he stands straight up, taking me with him.
“Wait, no,” I laugh. “Put me down. You can’t carry me all the way upstairs. Your shoulder.”
He shrugs a shoulder. His bad shoulder. “My shoulder is fine. I mean, it’s obviously super not fine, but I’m not a football player anymore, so I can carry you everywhere if I want to.”
“I think my clients might have a thing or two to say about that.”
“They’ll just have to get used to it because I plan on spending a whole lot of time with you in my arms. Wrap those gorgeous legs around me, baby. We have places to be.”
I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck and he brings our mouths together, kissing me deeply and with all the promise of a dark winter night and a perfect snowfall.