Chapter 32 #2
He sighs, so long that I feel myself dropping as his chest deflates. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You’ve had a hard enough night as it is, I didn’t want to crawl into bed with you and have it be too much.”
My chest aches at his admission, both from how touched I am that he would do that for me, and how much I hate that he was probably right to worry.
“Is that why I’m here? I mean, I could have waited for you at yours?”
“Partly?” He says it like a question. “I felt better knowing my mom was with you, that you were being looked after.”
“I don’t always need looking after, you know.” I frown a little against his skin.
“I know, but your apartment complex just caught fire. Anyone would need a little care after something like that.”
“I guess,” I grumble.
“And besides, when I have you in my home for the first time, it’s not going to be because you need some place to stay. That’s not how this is going.”
“Oh?” I prop my chin on his chest, looking up into the face that’s only vaguely illuminated. I reach up to trace what I can’t see, to feel his expression with my fingers. “And how is it going to go?”
“I have a few ideas.” I feel his smirk under my fingertips.
I let out a quiet giggle.
“Freya,” he says, his voice suddenly earnest. “You’ve got to help me out here. I don’t know how much to push with you, how far I can go.”
“You can push as much as you want,” I say automatically.
He pauses, the reflection in his eyes glinting. “I don’t think I can,” he replies softly. “We’re not there yet.”
“We could be.” I push myself up slightly, wanting to do something to erase that note of sadness in his voice.
“It’s okay.” He guides my head back down to his chest. “We can just enjoy the journey.”
Insecurity builds, that old voice telling me that I need to fix this, that I need to figure out what he wants so that I can give it to him. “I don’t want to make you wait around.”
“No.” He kisses the top of my head. “Freya, I fucking love waiting for you. And God knows I’ve been doing it for a long time.”
“What does that mean?” I know he had a crush on me, but this sounds like more than that.
His sigh ruffles a few strands of my hair. “I used to tell my mom that I was gonna marry you.”
“What?” I go to sit up, but he keeps me against him.
“I was a dumb kid, but I knew you were something special.”
“Oscar,” I whisper. I don’t know what to say.
“We can talk about it some other time, when we don’t have to whisper like we’re a couple of teenagers.”
“Okay,” I say unsurely.
“What I mean is, that I’m not in a hurry.”
I nuzzle further into him. “Thank you.”
“Will you tell me… about him?” he asks carefully. “Only if you’re ready, but it might help me to understand better.”
Anxiety squeezes at my throat. It’s been easier keeping it locked up, but he’s right. If I want Aaron’s ghost to stop hovering over this new thing we’re trying to build, then maybe I need to set it free.
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything you want to tell me.” He cups the back of my head. “But you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. We can do this whenever you want.”
“No, no. It’ll be good.” I take a deep breath.
Best to just start at the beginning, I suppose.
“It started around two years ago, I think? We’d run into each other around town a couple of times.
He was nice, he always made an effort to talk to me.
I guess I just felt lucky that somebody was finally interested. ”
“That’s bullshit,” he grumbles. “He was the lucky one.”
I huff into his neck. “When he first asked me out, it wasn’t really a question.
I guess nothing was ever a question. He was just so confident, I got swept up in it.
” He pulls me closer, likely sensing I need it.
“Things were okay for a while, it felt good to have that kind of attention for the first time. He was really sweet and affectionate. But then, um, I guess he started taking it away after a bit. I’d think I did something wrong and that’s why he didn’t want to be around me as much.
I spent a long time trying to figure it out so we could go back to how things were, but it never got better. ”
“What did he do?” Oscar’s voice is hoarse.
“He always made me feel really confused. If I asked questions or tried to push back on anything, he would just tell me I was misunderstanding, or tell me it was normal. He could be really mean sometimes.”
“Did he ever, um… did he hurt you?”
“No, nothing like that. He just made me sad.”
“That’s still abuse.” It’s hardly audible.
“That’s what Luci says.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.” He kisses the top of my head.
“I guess I should just be grateful that he got bored with me.”
“You would have left.” The certainty in his voice is reassuring. He really does believe it.
“I hope so,” I murmur. “But I can’t really be sure.”
“I’m sure.”
I breathe into his neck, inhaling his warm scent. “I’m okay now.”
His hand stills where it’s tracing lines against my back. “You know I would never do that to you, right?”
“Yeah, I do.” And it’s true. It’ll take time for me to fully trust the feeling, but when I think about it, I know there’s nothing about Oscar that’s the same as Aaron. I know I’m safe with him.
“Good.” He strokes his fingertips through my hair. I would complain, but it’s quickly turning into my absolute favorite thing.
I feel myself start to drift off, but I fight sleep, thinking back on what he said earlier.
“Where are you?” I yawn. “If I’m not there yet, then where is ‘there’?”
He takes a deep inhale. I hardly hear his answer through the fog that’s creeping up around me.
“I don’t know. But it’s somewhere beautiful.”