Chapter Four
Matty let out a grunt as she lifted the door to the refrigerated unit that was outside Main. It was a large walk-in positioned next to the cafeteria. A car had backed into it, causing one of the hinges to need to be replaced.
She had managed to get the old bolt out and was replacing it with a new one when her pocket buzzed.
She was irritated by how long it had taken to get the bolt out. A kitchen worker had already come out twice asking when he would be able to get in the freezer. Her frustration only increased when she fished the phone out of her pocket and saw the screen.
“Grammy. Dammit.”
Her grandmother calling during the workday only meant one thing: she needed something. Matty didn’t have time today for this.
She ignored the call, hoping she would get the hint and call someone else, but a minute later the buzzing resumed. More and more, calls and visits with Grammy were getting harder, which she hated, but she couldn’t shake how it made her feel.
Laden with guilt as the buzzing stopped and then repeated once again, she sighed heavily and then answered it. “Hey, Grams.”
“Matty? Why aren’t you answering me?”
“I’m at work, Grams.”
“I need you here now.”
“I’m at work.” Annoyance began replacing the guilt.
“It’s just pouring out water. I need you here.”
She stood straight up. “Water? From where?”
“I don’t know. I’m just an old woman, Matty. Why are you not helping me?”
Closing her eyes, Matty went to pinch the bridge of her nose but only managed to poke herself in the eye because she forgot she was wearing heavy work gloves. That furthered her annoyance. “I’m trying to help you. I need to know where the water is coming from.”
“It’s all in the laundry room. Water is everywhere. I need you.”
It was probably the hose to the washing machine again. She had replaced it twice now, but for some reason, it kept coming loose. “Do you remember the water valve I showed you to turn the water off?”
“I’m down in my back again. I can’t get to it.”
"Down in her back" meant two things. Either she couldn’t be bothered to stoop down on the wet floor, or her back really was bothering her, and she was low on pain pills.
“Please, Matty. Help your old Grammy out.”
And the guilt punch to the gut. God, the woman was good at manipulation.
She looked at the door and her tools scattered around.
She was almost done and due for lunch soon.
She was lucky she had a work truck today since her next job was at the women’s rehab, something about a washing machine not draining.
Grams’s house wouldn’t be out of the way.
“I’ll be there in twenty.”
“Thank you, baby.”
Dread used to not settle in her belly when she pulled into her grandmother’s driveway, but things had changed so much over the last few years, maybe even a little longer.
At some point, before she had actual clarity over her situation, she realized her family resisted changing for her.
Even now, knowing how committed she was to it, she knew Grammy would push her boundaries, tiptoeing so close.
It had taken her ages, with raised voices and unleashed tears, to get the older woman to stop offering her pills.
Well, mostly. She would slip occasionally, but so far Matty had stayed strong.
It was her cousin who was the biggest issue now.
The two had been inseparable since they were kids.
Clay was her best friend for the longest time.
They shared a childhood together. They shared an addiction together.
She could ignore Grams. She didn’t make her itch the way Clay did.
He came with a past full of memories of that feeling where her brain would start feeling light, her shoulders and legs less tense, her toes tingling, and all the worries in the world slid away.
Just looking at him when she was stressed was something that triggered the ghost of those moments.
It didn’t help that he’d come into Grams’s stinking of weed, and it made her mouth water almost every time.
Of all the substances she’d put in her body, that was the one she missed the most. The numbing. The barrier it put up for her. The ability to leave the world for a while. They’d hole up somewhere, smoke, and just lose hours in their heyday.
Until the night Matty decided to give getting clean another chance. That changed everything between her and Clay. Her best friend was suddenly gone. He had no desire to join her on the sobriety journey. He’d been trying to derail her ever since.
That was why she had a strict no-Clay rule with Grams, which she completely ignored, so Matty wasn’t the least bit surprised when she spotted Clay’s old clunker parked a little down the road, probably in hopes that Matty wouldn’t see it.
She breathed in and out a few times, willing her irritation down. Grams knew better. She should have given Matty a heads-up or asked Clay to leave for a while, but now it wasn’t a big deal to Grams. She wanted her grandkids back together, regardless if it could cause Matty to slip.
When she stepped in, she was immediately hit with the familiar scent of Grammy’s home, a scent that was once comforting but now put her on edge.
“About time you showed up,” drawled Clay as he came into view.
Grammy’s home was small and well-lived-in.
The living room, with its brown shag carpet that had a path worn into it and an old wooden couch and loveseat combo with a velvety covering depicting buffalo and mountains, was attached to the kitchen.
Only a cluttered counter separated them.
Wood paneling lined the walls, but it was hard to see as she had so much adorning them.
Pictures, little shelves with porcelain knick-knacks, and a calendar still on September of 1999 all decorated them.
Grammy was sitting at the metal and yellow vinyl kitchen table. It was older than both her and Clay. A Lazy Susan was off to the side, pressed against the wall. The number of pill bottles on and around it could stock a small pharmacy. Her jaw clenched tightly as she forced herself to ignore them.
“That was more than twenty minutes,” Grammy said.
“I had to clean up the project I was working on. I can’t just leave things a mess.”
“Well, luckily, Clay wasn’t far, so he turned off the water.”
Her eyes drifted over to Clay, who was wiping his hands on a dish towel. “Looks like the hose came off again.”
She turned to Grams. “Why didn’t you call me and tell me not to come if he took care of it?”
“You know you could talk to me like I’m not some piece of shit.”
Frustration filled her chest as she glanced back over at him. “I didn’t call you that.”
“No, but you make me feel like that. Like you’re better than me.”
“I’ve never said anything like that. I’ve only said that I can’t be around you unless you get clean.”
He threw the dish towel on the counter, leaning on it with both palms. He was a tall, wiry man. Hardly any fat on him. “It’s not like I’m doing anything in front of you.”
Her pulse started to race. She could feel it streaming erratically up her neck. “I can smell the weed from here. It’s all in your clothes.”
“It’s just pot. It’s not even a drug.”
The urge to punch the guy came over Matty.
Her fist clenched, but then she relaxed when she remembered that this was yet another attempt to downplay the situation.
He knew pot was what got her at her first attempt at sobriety.
She had gotten forty-seven days under her belt.
Well over a month. She thought she could handle just a little smoke.
Nothing big. Nothing too extreme. However, that quickly evolved into more, and the next thing she knew, six months had gone by, and she was in the thick of it again.
“I’m not debating that with you again.”
“Okay, now, kids, no need to get testy. You both used to get along so well.”
Matty’s jaw clenched tight. “Are you going to fix it, or do you want me to do it?”
“We could work together.”
Sighing, Matty turned to go. “It’s all yours then. If I leave now, I can still grab a plate of lunch.”
“Seriously?”
“Matty, come on, help your cousin,” admonished Grams.
It was always the same thing. She felt like she was being pulled in different directions.
The loyalty she felt for her grandmother hung heavy over her, but she knew that the situation she was repeatedly put in would be detrimental to something she’d worked so hard on, something that her grandmother and cousin didn’t seem to care about.
Shouldn’t family care about something this important? Something that was important to her?
She shook her head. “I’m going to let you do it. I need to get back, anyway.”
She leaned down and gave Grams a quick kiss on the head, the smell of Aqua Net wafting from her fluffy gray hair. “I’ll see you later, Grams.”
As she was leaving out the front door, Clay called to her, jogging up behind her.
He moved entirely too close into her personal space for her to care for, especially with the scent of weed wafting off him, assaulting her senses.
He spoke low. “Hey, yeah, about that. I don’t have the cash right now to buy the new hose to fix it. I don’t suppose you could spot me?”
Of course, he didn’t have money, or at least not any that he would spend on Grams. She choked back the anger that was bubbling up inside her and reached for her wallet.
She tilted it closer to herself so he wouldn’t see exactly how much cash she had before giving him a twenty.
She knew that it would be less than that and didn’t expect there to be any change headed her way, nor did she expect him to actually pay her back, but it was to benefit Grammy, so she handed it over anyway.
“Just make sure you actually do fix it. This is only for the hose.”
“I don’t guess I could keep the extra for gas money for having to go to the store."
She couldn’t hold back the eye roll this time. “Yeah, Clay, keep the rest of the change. Just get it done.”
Turning her back once more, she took two full steps before he stopped her in her tracks with just three words.
“I miss you.”
The anger in her chest turned inward as a pang of guilt hit her. She shouldn’t still feel bad for putting distance between them. Her heart shouldn’t ache a little at the sadness in his voice. And she shouldn’t miss him either. Or at least that’s what she kept trying to tell herself.
“I mean it, Matty. Things just aren’t the same. Can’t you feel it too?”
She really didn’t want to turn around because she knew the look on his face would possibly be her undoing, but she did it anyway.
Staring back at her was a grown man, but all she could see was the face of the 15-year-old boy she grew up with.
Not another person on the planet except for Grammy had as much history with her.
He was her built-in best friend from the very start.
A large lump had formed in her throat. It was hard to swallow around it. “I miss you too. Why don’t you come to a meeting with me?” She knew it was futile the moment the words left her lips.
His eyes immediately hardened. “I don’t need to go to some meeting. It’s all a bunch of handholding and bullshit.”
“No, it’s not. You know it’s not. Look, I would love to have a relationship with you.
I really would. But you need to understand, I don’t want to be part of that life anymore.
I wake up with a clear head. I have a job and a support system.
I got a lot of things going for me. I want you to have that too. ”
“Whatever, Matty. You’re just fucking selfish. It’s always about you.”
Defeat overwhelmed her. It was the same argument every time. “I wish I could convince you that life would be so much better if you just took the first step.”
He glared at her, his arms crossing.
“Okay. Whatever. Just get the damn machine fixed.”
With that, she went to the truck and got in, not looking back as she backed out of the driveway and headed back to work.