Chapter Twenty-eight
Matty hissed as her elbow made contact with the concrete planter box. Why Reese had insisted on getting one made out of concrete was beyond her. She could have just as easily selected clay or even plastic. Plastic was at least light.
She had spent the better part of an hour working on the little garden bed by her patio area.
It was small and could only hold one planter, but she liked to keep the space looking nice.
She had accompanied Bette to the local nursery that morning to pick up some things like soil, flowers, and the damned planter.
The red zinnias she selected were purely because Reese had gushed over them when they had gone to Home Depot. She loved the vibrant red and the contrast with the yellow center.
Matty’s lips turned down as she sat back on her heels, staring at them.
“You’re sad,” observed Kenny from the lawn chair nearby. He was in the shade, had a glass of lemonade, and was wearing one of Bette’s floral, wide-brimmed gardening hats. His scrawny, chicken legs were crossed at the ankles.
“And I don’t think you could look any more relaxed.”
“Bette said I needed a hat so my head didn’t burn.”
“You’re not even in the sun.”
He just blinked at her, and in some way, it was exactly like when his sister would silently call her out for something. She sighed, driving the trowel into the dirt. “I am sad. I miss Reese.”
“Where is she?”
“Probably at home,” she shrugged.
“Can you go see her? You can use my truck.”
He was so sweet. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”
“Why?”
She really didn’t want to talk about it. It had been such a hard week. Her heart and head had been at war. Every morning, she woke up not wanting to leave the safety of her apartment.
“I think I made a mistake. And then I made it worse. She’s not talking to me.” That was only the partial truth. Reese had tried to talk to her, but then, when Matty brushed her off, she had stopped trying.
“I like Reese.”
“Me too.”
“Then stop moping around and go talk to her,” Kerrie interrupted, huffing as she hefted a trash bag into the trash can nearby.
She wiped sweat from her forehead. The twins were matching in cotton navy blue sleeveless shirts and shorts, except Kerrie was wearing a baseball cap and a gray sports bra that was showing in the deep cutouts on the sides of the top.
Both wore Crocs, but only Kenny had his decorated with SpongeBob charms.
“I’m not moping,” she said defensively, then huffed. “Okay, maybe. But it’s not that simple. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. I waved to her the other day, and she just turned around and walked off.”
“Could she maybe be frustrated with you and want more than a wave? Have you called her or tried to speak to her in person?”
Her cheeks burned. She couldn’t bring herself to look up from the soil in front of her. “No.”
“Don’t you like her?” asked Kenny.
She looked up then. “Yes, a lot. Like, really a lot. She’s the first woman I’ve ever wanted something, something real, with.”
“Then go to her.”
“It’s not that easy,” she protested.
“But it is. Going over there is easy. Talking, probably not so much, but it’s the least you both deserve.”
“Kerrie! I got another bag,” Bette shouted from the front of the house.
“Well, that’s my cue.”
“Want me to call you back here in a few to get a break?”
Kerrie shook her head with a sly grin on her face. “Don’t you dare. I like watching her bend over.”
Matty laughed. “Have fun.”
“Have fun,” Kenny echoed.
The conversation had made her belly uneasy. She changed the subject before Kenny remembered what they were talking about. “Tell me about what you’re wearing to the wedding.”
Kenny launched into the mildest tirade ever about dress shoes that pinched his toes, leaving her safe from having to talk anymore about Reese.
***
The wall clock ticked louder and louder. She’d given up on being productive. Even reading sounded unappealing, so she changed and went to bed early. All that managed to do was cause her covers to tangle around her legs from tossing and turning.
Her phone read 9:37 p.m. Only nine minutes had passed since the last time she checked.
“This is ridiculous.”
The covers were pushed off her body. She couldn’t go on like this. It was finally do something or lose her mind.
She dressed quickly. If she paused for too long, she was afraid she’d lose her nerve. It took less than five minutes to dress and head out the door.
The walk to Reese’s house was warm. The sun had long since set, but the heat didn’t go with it. The anxiety coursing through her didn’t help. This was either going to reconcile them or she’d go home single and broken, but it had to happen.
Her footsteps echoed loudly in the quiet neighborhood as she approached Reese’s house. She felt just a fraction of relief to see that Reese’s bedroom window was still lit up.
She took the familiar cracked concrete, making sure to avoid the spot that she had tripped on before. That felt like a lifetime ago.
When she got to the front door, her closed fist hovered. How would Reese react? Was it fair to come by that late at night?
There was only one way to find out. She knocked hard, knowing they still hadn’t fixed the doorbell and Reese was on the second floor.
A full minute went by, and she heard nothing.
“Motherfucker,” she swore to herself. She raised her fist once again and laid into the door. Several seconds later, she thought she heard a noise behind the door. It took another two minutes before Reese’s muffled voice came from the other side. “Who is it?”
“It’s me, Matty.”
Nothing happened.
Seconds ticked by. She wondered if she should announce herself again.
Then she heard the lock disengage. She would have thought she would feel relief, but the heavy hand of anxiety had her lungs in a vice grip. Sweat was beginning to form on her back. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her joggers to keep them from shaking.
The door opened just enough for Reese to peer out. Her face didn’t betray a single emotion. “What do you want?”
“To not lose you.” Desperation dripped off every word.
Reese just stared at her. Her face didn’t change for what felt like forever.
It was probably just a few seconds, but it could have been an hour with the way Matty’s pulse began to race.
Was rejection coming next? She had royally fucked up.
Her chest nearly exploded when Reese finally spoke.
“Are you finally going to talk to me about whatever happened?”
“Yes,” she rushed out, head bobbing fast.
Reese’s brows dipped, but she moved, opening the door. “Fine, but there’s no running or hiding. We’re adults. We’re going to talk.” She paused, then added in a softer voice, “even if it’s hard.”
“I agree.”
When she walked into the living room, she stopped short. So much had changed. “Oh wow, you’ve finished it.”
Reese shut the door, locking it. “Yeah, I’ve had a lot of time to think this week, and I couldn’t sit still. It’s totally ready for painting and putting the new flooring down.”
A guilty punch landed in her gut. It was her fault that Reese had had a rough week and that she had to tear the carpet up by herself. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. It does look good, though.”
“Well, um, maybe we can go upstairs? I’m still lacking a proper sitting area.”
She nodded in agreement.
It was odd being back in Reese’s bedroom after the week they’d had. Sitting on the bed felt even stranger. Reese had made sure to leave space between them, and though it stung, Matty understood. She had earned that distance.
“I don’t really know where to start,” she confessed.
“How about what happened that made you go out in the rain?”
Matty picked at the corner of the pillowcase, keeping her eyes on it instead of Reese. “I was at my Grammy’s.”
“She couldn’t take you home?”
“No, she doesn’t drive anymore.”
“Could you not have called someone? I would have been happy to give you a ride.”
Heat crawled up Matty’s neck. “No, I needed to leave right then. It, fuck, I feel stupid, okay? I put myself in a bad position.” Her voice roughened with embarrassment. “And then you had to find me out there like that.”
She chanced a glance over. The frown on Reese’s face only made the shame dig in deeper.
“Matty, you’re not stupid. Far from it.”
“Then why do I keep doing this?” she shot back, then immediately looked away again. “Why am I still giving her the benefit of the doubt? I know how it goes. I know exactly how it goes, and I still walked right into it like an idiot.” She scrubbed a hand over her face. “It’s embarrassing.”
The frown deepened as Reese slid a little closer, though she still left that small gap between them. “Tell me what she does. And I swear I’m not going into counselor mode. I just want to understand.”
Matty fumbled with her hands in her lap.
They were shaking, and she suddenly couldn’t figure out what to do with them, so she just gripped them together harder.
“It’s not just her. It’s also my cousin, Clay.
He was the person I used with the most. We were really close.
When I relapsed before, it was because of him.
I just can’t be around him if I want to stay clean.
It’s just not possible.” She swallowed hard, humiliation pressing heavily in her chest. “And the worst part is they both know that. They know, and they still do it anyway. Neither he nor Grams respects that.”
“What does she do?”
Matty launched into the gaslighting and blatant disrespect.
She didn’t know what caused it, but she found herself not holding back anything.
Every ugly detail. The times she had tried to get clean but failed.
The harsh criticism from Grammy. The belittling of her getting her GED and her job.
She didn’t try to excuse the behaviors, which was odd.
Normally, she would, but what spilled from her mouth were confessions. The thoughts she had secretly.