2. Chapter 2
Chapter 2
Jon
With two fractured ribs and my arm in a sling, I was there to pay my respects, but I couldn't do it.
I felt like a coward hiding behind a tree to prevent being seen. I kept reminding myself that no one knew who I was, but it still didn't give me the courage to join the people at the graveside service.
I got as close as possible, pretending to visit a grave nearby. I waited, laid the flowers I had brought on top of the headstone, and quietly whispered an apology for my intrusion.
I watched as a young woman placed her hand on the casket and openly wept. I knew it was Sharon because I had seen her picture before. She was tall and slender. Her fair skin contrasted with her long black curls. I wanted to introduce myself and let her know how sorry I was for her loss, but what could I have possibly said, "Hi, Sharon, I'm Jon, and I'm the reason your fiancé is dead?"
So I kept my distance, and when she left, I approached the cemetery workers and asked if I could have just a few more minutes. They nodded and stepped aside.
Like Sharon, I laid my hand on the casket and cried, silently begging Jimmy to forgive me.
***
I met Jimmy Bowman in basic training. He was younger than me, joining the Marines right out of high school. I was twenty-two and had already graduated from college with a degree in education. We became fast friends when we realized we had a lot in common.
We were both from California. We loved sports, especially football. We enjoyed listening to rock music and reading novels by Stephen King. We were both the oldest of two children. Our parents were not happy about us joining the military, but we both felt it was our calling, so they had no choice but to let us go.
One thing we didn't have in common, though, was that Jimmy was on his way to the altar while I had just gone through a tough break-up.
"Is that your girlfriend?" I asked Jimmy, pointing at the picture in his locker.
"She's my fiancée," he said, smiling, "And before you say anything, I already know she's completely out of my league, but I asked her to marry me, and she said yes."
"She's beautiful," I said, noticing her piercing green eyes. "How are you able to keep eye contact with her? Those eyes. Wow."
"Did you know that only two percent of the world's population has green eyes?"
"I do now," I said, laughing. "How long have you two been together?"
"We have been friends since elementary school. We started dating when she was a freshman and I was a sophomore in high school."
"How did she feel about your enlisting?"
"It's what I've always wanted," he said. "I've been talking about it since I was little, so she always knew. What about you?"
"My uncle was in the Army. I was ten when he returned to the States. He and my dad would sit at the dinner table and talk for hours about what it was like and what he went through. You could say it made an impression on me that I couldn't ignore."
"That's probably why they weren't thrilled about your enlisting. I bet your uncle had plenty of tough stories to share."
"They convinced me to go to college first, and if I still felt the same way after graduating, they'd let me join."
"How's your uncle doing now? " Jimmy asked.
"He's doing great. He was stationed in Japan for a year after Vietnam, where he met his wife. They lived in the States for several years before moving back to Japan when I was sixteen. He's been teaching there ever since."
"No kidding!" Jimmy exclaimed. "I want to live in Japan someday."
"My parents talked about retiring there to be close to my uncle, but then Noah came along and threw a wrench in their plans. They decided to wait a few more years before taking him to live abroad."
"What about you?" Jimmy asked. "They'd just pick up and go, leaving you behind?'
"Well," I said, "I wasn't supposed to be alone."
Jimmy glanced at me and raised a thick eyebrow, waiting for me to elaborate.
"She broke my heart. End of story."
"In other words, she cheated," Jimmy said matter-of-factly.
When I looked at him, feeling completely exposed, it was all the confirmation he needed.
"I'm sorry, Man," he said. "That's gotta be tough."
"It was an emotional affair," I said, "That's what she called it."
"How did you find out?"
"She told me she had to get something off her chest, never expecting me to break up with her because of it."
"So she didn't want to break up?" he asked.
"No, but I felt that if she could be close enough to another man to call it an emotional affair, it was because she wasn't in love with me."
"You didn't try to work it out?" Jimmy asked. "What if she was the one, and you let her go?"
"The one? Well, I thought she was the one for me, but I don't think I was the one for her."
"You're questioning her feelings?" Jimmy asked. "You're the one that broke it off."
"I want a woman who will consider me her best friend and vice versa. She shared things with another man that she never shared with me."
"I get that," he said, "Sharon and I were best friends for two years before we started dating, so yeah, I get it. But forgiveness can strengthen a relationship. Why wasn't your love for her enough incentive to forgive her?
"I think you missed your calling," I said, wanting to change the subject because I really didn't have an answer to his question.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"You sound like a therapist."
"I'll have to look into that," he said, smiling. "I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe being a shrink is my second calling."
No one could've fathomed that two short weeks later, he'd be gone.
***
For weeks, I tried to deal with the terrifying nightmares at night and push through the debilitating claustrophobia during the day, wanting nothing more than to return to boot camp and finish what I started.
My broken bones healed, but the overwhelming sense of guilt will never heal. In the end, the Medical Evaluation Board decided I was no longer equipped to face the physical demands and psychological stressors associated with basic training, and I was medically discharged from the Marines.
According to the therapists I've been seeing for the past six months, I have what's called survivor's guilt.
After I got discharged, I moved back in with my parents, thinking I would stay with them until we all moved to New York. When Mom started talking about hiring a nanny again, I immediately thought of Jimmy's fiancée.
"If you're going to hire a nanny," I told them, "I can move to New York now and start looking for a teaching job."
"We can't expect you to serve as Noah's babysitter, Son," Dad said, "but we don't want you to leave."
"I'm idled here, Dad. I can't even look for a job if I'm only going to be here until June."
"Do you want to stay in California?" he asked.
"No," I said. "I want to be where my family is."
"Okay, then," Mom said. "We'll support whatever plans you have. If you want to go now, then we're okay with that."
***
I moved to Garrison right before the holidays. It didn't take me long to find a place to live and a job as a substitute teacher, which wouldn't start until January.
When I flew back to California for Christmas, I found Mom and Dad had hired a nanny for Noah, and I was relieved when Noah told me her name was Shay. She wasn't Jimmy's fiancée, Sharon.
"Do you like your nanny?" I asked Noah over Christmas Eve dinner.
"I love her," he said, smiling up at me.
"Is she pretty?" I asked him.
"Uh huh," Noah added, nodding his head.
"She's lovely," Mom said. "She has beautiful green eyes."
My heart skipped a beat, and Jimmy's words instantly came back to mind, " Did you know that only two percent of the world's population has green eyes? "
"She's nice," said Noah before taking a huge bite of pumpkin pie, leaving a whipped cream mustache on his upper lip.
"I agree," said Mom, wiping Noah's face with a napkin. "She is nice. Quiet but nice."
"How are things going with you?" Dad asked before I had a chance to ask more questions about the nanny.
"Better than I could've imagined," I said.
"Oh really?" asked Mom. "Tell us all about it."
"I'm renting a small guesthouse from our neighbor in Garrison. She owns the property directly behind ours. I couldn't believe my luck when I saw the ad in the paper and read the address. She's even giving me a break on the rent because I fix things around the property whenever she needs it. Those handyman lessons you forced on me have paid off, Dad."
"Aren't you glad you spent all your summers learning a thing or two about construction?" Dad asked, chuckling under his breath.
"Yes, but I'm mostly changing lightbulbs and mowing the lawn. Nothing major."
"Is the place comfortable?" asked Mom.
"Yes," I said. "It's small, but I don't need much. It has a small kitchen, a full bath, and a living space with a sofa, a recliner, a television, and a comfortable bed. What more could I ask for?"
"We've been there a few times since we started construction on the house," said Mom, "I can't believe we never met her."
"You're going to love Lorenza," I said, "She'll be here for Easter to visit her son. I'm going to be watching her place while she's gone."
"So we won't get to see you until June?" asked Mom.
"I start my teaching job next month," I said. "I don't think I'll make it back out here before the move."
"But, Jon," Mom said.
"It's okay, Mom," I said, reaching for her hand. "These next six months are going to fly by. We'll be back together before you know it."
"How are you doing with—?" The look on Dad's face finished the question without his having to articulate it.
"The nightmares?" I asked. "I only have one or two a week now. I guess that's progress."
"I'm glad to hear that," said Dad.
"Listen," I said, "I'm sorry I put you guys through so much when I came home."
"Never apologize for that, Sweetheart," said Mom, squeezing my hand. "I would do anything to make those memories go away."
"I don't want to forget what happened," I said honestly. "I just want the bad dreams to stop. But the memories, even the tough ones, help me keep Jimmy's memory alive."
"You're punishing yourself for—."
"Dad," I said, cutting him off and glancing at Noah. "Can we change the subject?"
***
Everything went according to plan. I started teaching at one of the middle schools in Cold Spring in January. Lorenza went to visit her son in the spring, so I haven't seen my family since Christmas.
We stayed connected through nightly phone calls. I spoke to Noah first and then to Mom and Dad. Shay would answer the phone most nights, but she always seemed rushed, never giving me a chance to ask her any questions. When I asked Mom about it, she said Shay had to leave on time to catch the bus ride home.
"We offered to let her borrow one of the cars," Mom said, "but she never accepted it."
My family is arriving home tonight, and I can't wait to see everyone.
Driving up to the new house, I'm reminded that my parents spared no expense in building this beautiful property. The house sits on seven acres and looks like a colonial mansion from the 1930s but smaller at just over 5,000 square feet. It has five bedrooms and seven bathrooms, a chef's kitchen, and a three-car garage. The pool and gazebo with a grill and bar set up are on one side of the house, and a separate one-bedroom guesthouse is nestled up the hill across from it. The massive lot, with its own private pond and a garden with outdoor benches, trees, and countless flowers and plants, looks more like a well-manicured park than a backyard. The only thing missing is a playground for Noah, which will be arriving in a few days. I'm sure Dad and I are going to have a field day trying to put that thing together.
Once inside the house, I get to work and prepare a simple dinner of roasted chicken and salad, knowing everyone will be tired and hungry when they arrive.
As I put the chicken in the oven, the doorbell rings.
"Hi, Son," says Dad as soon as I open the door. He's holding a suitcase in each hand.
"Dad!" I exclaim, throwing my arms around him.
I take the suitcases from him and see Mom walking up the steps behind him.
"Hi, Sweetheart," she says, kissing me on the cheek. "I'm so happy to see you."
"I'm happy to see you too, Mom," I say, looking behind her, "Where's Noah?"
"He fell asleep in the car," she says. "Shay is taking him out."
"Go give her a hand," says Dad.
I put the suitcases down in the foyer and run out to the car.
I can see Shay reaching into the car. She's wearing a gray striped sundress, and her long hair is braided down her back. She's struggling with the seatbelt, trying to extract Noah from the seat.
"Hi, Shay," I say. "Here, let me help you."
I hear her say thank you before she turns around to face me. I feel the entire universe stand still when I'm met with a captivating, genuine smile and the most mesmerizing emerald-green gaze I've ever seen.
It's her.