4. Chapter 4
Unlocking the door, I try not to glance in her direction, but I can’t help it. I take a quick look and catch her looking back at me. The shy young girl I met four years ago has blossomed into a beautiful young woman. The word young is all I can focus on. She didn’t even recognize me. The ruthless punches I’ve endured over the years are probably etched in my face.
I take a long shower but don’t shave the three-day stubble Julie thought was sexy. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I examine my full head of hair, quickly turning salt and pepper. Trying to make myself feel better, I focus on the fact that at least I’m not balding. I ran six miles this morning. I feel great, and I’m not old. Why am I obsessing over my age and my looks all of a sudden?
Why didn’t she know I was her new neighbor? When Adam told me the house he found for me was next door to his old house, he never mentioned Loren lived there. She looked shocked and not pleased at all. The only time she let her guard down was when she talked about Holly and when she gave me her condolences. “Stop obsessing,” I tell myself again.
When Adam asked me to join them for church service last night, I wanted to say no, but Holly was so excited I couldn’t refuse. When we left California, I took Holly from the only family she’s ever known. Making new friends and having a sense of belonging is important for any child. She and Tori are becoming fast friends, so I want to foster that relationship as much as possible.
We haven’t been to church in two years. God and I are still on speaking terms, but it’s been mostly me asking Him why. Why did my children die? Why did Julie’s parents have to lose her? Why does my little girl have to grow up without a mom? Why do I have to live my life without Julie? One thing about God, though, is that He doesn’t have to answer to us. But we do have to answer to Him, so when I walk into church this morning, I’ll have some explaining to do.
I try on a tie in front of the mirror, but decide against it, pulling it off. “Who am I trying to impress anyway?” I ask myself, all the while knowing perfectly well what the answer is. Before walking out the door, I go into Holly’s room and pick out a change of clothes, including shoes and her favorite yellow dress with an empire waist and a soft tulle skirt decorated with tiny daisies. Amazing the things a man can learn about fashion when he’s raising a daughter by himself.
I make it to Adam’s just in time for Holly to change. Katherine has tied her hair up in a ponytail with a pretty yellow ribbon that matches her outfit—something I could never accomplish. For the past two years, my daughter has worn her hair in one of two ways: down, parted in the middle, or down, parted on the side.
While I wait for Holly to change, I ask Katherine if she can recommend a housekeeper to clean my house once or twice a week. She pulls out her phone and two seconds later, I hear a ping on my phone.
“I just sent you the number for the housekeeping service we use to clean any listings we have scheduled for an open house,” she says.
I thank her, making a mental note to call first thing tomorrow morning.
This is not the church I attended with my family when I lived in Cold Spring, but I’m still greeted by at least half a dozen people I knew growing up. Two of them being the pastor and his wife, Tim, and Bethany Adams.
Tim was a couple of years ahead of me in school, and Bethany was in my graduating class. It feels odd to hear a sermon from the man voted most likely to become a comedian. Halfway through the message, I realize Tim did not miss his calling. It’s powerful, relevant, and funny. Before ending the message, Tim asks the congregation if anyone in the audience would like to rededicate their life to God. I raise my hand.
When service is over, I feel lighter, unburdened, with a sense of peace I haven’t felt in almost three years.
“I’m going to go get the girls. I’ll be right back.” Katherine announces as soon as service is over.
When she walks away, I turn to Adam. “Thank you for the invite,” I say, “I needed to hear that message.”
“You’re welcome,” he says, smiling, “Do you have plans for this afternoon?” Just then, I spot Mr. Linder approaching us.
“Hi Aaron, how are you?” Jon asks.
“I’m doing well. Better now. Thank you.”
“We’re all heading to the house for a barbecue.” He continues, “Would love it if you and Holly joined us. There will be steak.”
I laugh out loud just as I see Holly walking in. She’s smiling and skipping down the aisle, being held by the hand, not by Katherine, but by Loren.
She’s wearing an emerald green dress that could be considered simple, with a high collar tied in a bow at the neck, long sleeves, and tiny lace flowers sprinkled throughout. I bet that color matches her eyes.
“Aaron,” I hear Jon’s voice in the distance.
“I’m sorry, Jon. I just spotted Holly. No, we don’t have any plans. Can we bring anything?”
” Sharon,” Jon says, looking behind me, “Do we need anything for lunch? Aaron and Holly are joining us.”
I look behind me and am greeted by Sharon, who gives me a genuine smile. “Hi, Sharon,” I say.
“No, we don’t need anything,” Sharon says as she walks around me and takes Jon’s hand, just as Holly reaches me and puts her arms up for me to pick her up.
“Hi, Princess,” I say, picking her up, “Did you have fun in Sunday school?”
“Yes, Daddy!” Holly says excitedly. “Loren was our teacher.”
“Hi, Loren,” I say, suddenly feeling very exposed. She’s looking at me, and I can’t decipher what she’s thinking.
“Hi, Aaron,” I hear her say. She smiles and turns to look at her parents.
“Hi, Sweetheart,” says Jon, leaning down to kiss her forehead. Sharon hugs and kisses her on the cheek before asking, “Are you coming over, Sweetie?”
“No, Mom,” she says.
Wait a minute, did she just give me a look, or did I imagine it?
“Sorry,” she continues, “I have a few things to do at the studio before I open in the morning.”
“Sweetheart,” Jon begins, “You need to find some balance between work and life. You can’t put everything on hold for your work. It’s not healthy.”
“Jon, let her do what she wants.” Sharon says, “Go on Sweetie. If you get done early, stop by.”
There it is! She just looked at me again.
“Ok, I will. I promise,” she says before kissing both her parents on the cheek. She looks at Holly, still in my arms, and says, “Holly, your plate will be ready for you tomorrow, okay?”
“Daddy,” Holly begins, “Can we pick up my plate tomorrow?”
“I have work in the morning, and it’s your first day at your new preschool, remember? But I can take you after work. What time do you close?” I ask, looking at Loren. She’s beautiful.
“I close at six, but if you don’t mind waiting, I’d be happy to drop it off at your house afterward.”
“Thank you. We would appreciate that,” I say.
“Okay, I’ll see you both tomorrow,” she says, looking over at Holly, “Bye, Holly.” She gets close and kisses Holly on the cheek. I can smell her perfume. She looks back at me again and gives me a slight smile before walking away.
Ten minutes later, Holly and I head home to change before going to the Linders’. I realize I’m grasping the wheel a little too tight, trying to make sense of what just happened. The dress, her eyes, the looks, the scent of her perfume. What the hell is going on with me? Part of me is relieved she won’t be there today. The other part feels disappointed.
When I pull into our driveway, I look in the rear-view mirror and find that Holly has fallen asleep. “The girl has a gift,” I say out loud. I gently pull her out of her car seat and put her head on my shoulder.
Walking into the empty house, I’m reminded of how much I miss Julie. I put Holly down on the couch, figuring I’ll let her sleep while I look for something to wear. First, I go to her bedroom and pull out some leggings, a T-shirt, a pink sweatshirt, and some sneakers.
I walk into my bedroom and realize this is the first bedroom I’ve slept in that doesn’t remind me of Julie. She’s never been here. Even after she passed away, our home in California reminded me of her every day, especially the bedroom. It seemed like the smell of her perfume lingered for months after she died. Sweet and comforting was her scent. Loren’s scent is bright, crisp, and young. Never forget, she’s a young girl compared to you, old man.
I pull out some casual clothes to wear, a T-shirt, some jeans, sneakers, and a blue sweatshirt. I smile when I realize Holly, and I will be twinning today.
I decide to take a shower to clear my head. Walking by the mirror again, I look at my reflection and shake my head. I’m getting old. I rub the scruff on my face, thinking I should probably shave. In the shower, I stand under the water for a few minutes and then turn the hot water off, letting the cold, freezing water jolt me back to reality.
Ten minutes later, I’m dressed and ready to go. Holly is still asleep. I call Jon and let him know Holly is napping. “If she wakes up in the next half hour, we’ll come by.” I tell him, “If not, I’ll take a rain check.”
I sit on the couch, and just as I’m falling asleep myself, I hear Holly’s voice, “Daddy, are we going to Tori’s grandpa and grandma’s house?”
“Yes, we are, my beautiful girl. Go get ready. The clothes I pulled out for you are on your bed.”
On our way to the Linders’, we stop at a bakery to buy a dozen cinnamon rolls. We have to park the car on the street when we pull up at their house because the driveway is full. Sharon opens the door and thanks me for the cinnamon rolls, taking them from my hands. She points toward the living room before walking in the opposite direction towards what must be the kitchen.
There’s a game playing on the television. Jon sees me and immediately walks over to greet us. Tori is sitting on Adam’s lap, but when she sees Holly, she runs over to greet her.
“Hi, Holly!” Tori says, hugging her like they haven’t seen each other in weeks. “Wanna go play in the bedroom?” Holly nods, and off they go down the hallway.
I say hello to everyone in attendance—Adam, Katherine, and the pastors, Tim and Bethany. Jon introduces me to Laila’s boyfriend, Eric, and his twin brother, George. I also meet Laura and Charles Clay, Justin’s parents.
“What do you want to drink?” asks Jon. “We have water, coffee, iced tea, diet Coke, and ginger ale.”
“I’ll take a diet,” I say. When I see him rise to his feet, I add, “Don’t get up, I’ll get it. Back in the kitchen?” Jon nods.
When I walk down the hallway on the opposite side of the living room, I hear voices coming from the kitchen as soon as I approach the arched doorway. “Mom, I don’t know what to do.” The voice sounds very familiar. “I like him a lot, but my schedule doesn’t leave me much time for a serious relationship, which is what he wants. I don’t want to hurt him.”
I start backing up, not wanting to interrupt a private conversation, when suddenly, someone rounds the corner and slams right into me. I look down expecting to see Loren, but it’s a much taller version of Loren, but just as beautiful. Laila.
“I’m so sorry,” I say.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. Aaron, right?” she asks.
Nodding, I say, “I came to get a Coke; I didn’t mean to,” I begin apologizing, but she interrupts me.
“Aaron, it’s ok.” She says and then quietly whispers, “I’m trying to decide whether or not I should break up with Eric.”
“I heard,” I say, smiling sheepishly. We both let out a nervous laugh before she turns around and walks toward the living room.
I walk into the kitchen and find Sharon holding a can of Diet Coke. She hands it to me and says, “A Coke for your complete discretion?”
“Deal!” I say, taking the soda from her hand.
When the game is over, the cinnamon rolls are all gone, our bellies are full, and I have two Styrofoam containers filled with leftovers to take home. Holly and I say our goodbyes, along with the twins, who are walking out at the same time. On our way to the car, I overhear George saying, “She’s breaking up with you, man. I can tell. She didn’t even walk you to the door. That’s a dead giveaway.”
“Young love is so fragile,” I tell myself. Julie and I were already married at twenty-four and were trying for a baby. Laila is focused on her career, and according to Katherine, nothing will stand in her way. “George is right,” I think to myself. “Poor Eric doesn’t stand a chance.”
When we get home, I try to get everything ready for tomorrow morning, but I quickly realize we’re in dire need of a housekeeper. Holly takes a bath, and I tuck her into bed a little after eight so she can be well-rested for her first day of preschool. I’ll drop her off and then drive the five minutes it’ll take me to get to work.
After I read her a bedtime story, I kiss her good night and walk over to the door before saying, “I love you, Princess.”
“I love you too, Daddy,” she says in response.
I look over at her one more time before reaching for the light switch, but I see that she’s still sitting up in bed. She’s looking at me with her mother’s eyes, hesitating to say more.
“What is it, Baby?” I ask.
“Daddy, when am I gonna see Mommy again?”