6. Chapter 6
I glance down at the clock on the dashboard and see that it’s almost nine o’clock. I didn’t think this short business trip would take all afternoon and evening. I’m glad Katherine offered to take Holly home with her until I get back. She’ll probably be asleep by the time I get there.
“Daddy, when will I see Mommy again?” Holly’s question plays in my mind over and over again and squeezes my heart like a vise.
I did my best to explain death, heaven, and time to my four-year-old child, but I’m sure anything I said fell short and failed to make her feel better about not having her mother here with her.
When we knew there was nothing to be done, Julie decided to forego any medical treatment and let the cruel disease take its course. Hers was stage four. It was aggressive, and it had spread. Chemotherapy, radiation, or medications would not save her. So, we went home and tried to live our normal lives, enjoying Holly and each other to the fullest. It didn’t last long.
Two months before she died, hospice began providing skilled nursing care at home three to four times a week. Holly had just turned two but was still sleeping in her crib next to our bed so Julie could spend her last few weeks as close to her daughter as possible.
She was on oxygen, and her bouts of coughing were more severe at night. When she was having a bad night, she would beg me to go to the guest room down the hall to get some sleep. Sometimes, I was so sleep-deprived I’d pick Holly up from her crib in the middle of the night and take her with me to the other room so we could both get a couple of hours worth of sleep.
One night, I had just finished putting Holly down for the night. All three of us in the same room, trying to maintain the family unit together for as long as possible. After a few minutes, we could hear Holly’s steady breathing, and we knew she was fast asleep.
I slipped quietly into bed next to my dying wife. I looked over at her and said good night before kissing her. Her beautiful blue eyes looked at me wearily. Her face was pale and gaunt. She was eating less and less every day. Her once strong and beautiful body was now thin and frail. There was nothing I could do to stop time or to hold back the progression of her illness. All I could do was be a silent witness to the inevitable truth. Time was running out.
When I rolled over to my side and reached for the light switch, I felt her hand on my shoulder.
“Aaron, I need you to promise me something.”
She never called me by my name, so I knew what she was about to say was serious. I turned to face her, giving her my undivided attention.
“I need you to say that you promise me.”
“What is it,” I asked, reaching for her hand.
“I don’t have long, but I promise I’ll be here for Christmas.” She smiled and took a short breath before continuing, “While I can still think logically and express myself clearly, I think I should make my wishes known to you without you thinking I’m confused or disoriented.”
I could tell it took a lot of effort to finish her train of thought, but she pressed on.
“Look at me, Aaron. I need you to promise me that when you’re done grieving, you will find a woman to love you and a mother for Holly. She needs a mom.”
I felt like a rock was lodged in my throat as tears started forming behind my eyelids. I squeezed her hand, closed my eyes, and gently kissed her on the lips. They were soft and sweet like they’d always been since the first time I kissed her.
God, I miss her so much.
“Promise me, Aaron. Please.”
“I can never love another woman,” I said, “You know that. How am I going to find someone as beautiful and wonderful as you? You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and more. You’re my partner, my best friend. The mother of my children.” We always included the children we’d lost before having Holly. A single tear rolled down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away.
“Don’t cry, Sweetie,” She continued, “I’m going home to be with our other children. I know that as soon as I close my eyes to this life, I will be with them. I need to know that you and Holly won’t be here alone.”
“I can’t do it,” I said. “Ask me for anything else. Just don’t ask me to love another woman. It’s always been you. It’s only been you since the moment I saw you. Where could I ever find someone to take your place?”
“You found me,” she said, “I trust you to find someone who will love you and Holly with the same devotion and unconditional love I give you. You’re young, and you’re such a hottie.” She laughed, and the laugh turned into an uncontrollable bout of coughing. She took some deep inhalations of oxygen and gave herself a few moments to calm the cough. I could tell she wasn’t done talking.
I let her talk, using all her strength and energy to voice all that she had to say. I remained quiet, holding her fragile hands in mine. I gave them a gentle squeeze every so often to let her know I was listening and I understood. It was obvious she had given it a lot of thought. She was firm in her resolve to make me understand and convince me in the end.
The last thing I said to her that night was, “I promise.”
After she passed away, the thought of another woman made my heart ache, and it made me feel like I was cheating on Julie.
As I steer the wheel, I consider the wedding band still on my finger. I never took it off, even after friends and family told me it was time to move on. Being with another woman was a foreign concept to me. Not something I was ever willing to entertain.
I remember the last time a woman asked me out. I was having lunch alone at a Carl’s Jr. in Los Angeles when a young woman walked up to me and boldly asked me if I would like to go out for drinks. I was flattered, but I lied and said I was married, showing her my wedding band.
Holly and I were surrounded by family and friends in California, but I still felt very isolated and alone. I never opened up to anyone about losing Julie. The only one who’s been privy to my turmoil has been God. I talk to Him about everything. My new life back in Cold Spring. My love for Julie. My loss. The heartache and loneliness I still experience every time I walk into the bedroom, and she’s not there. My daughter’s probing questions. Her well-being. The promise I made to my wife. The disconcerting emotions I experience every time I’m in close proximity to Loren Linder.
Trying to lead my thoughts in a different direction, I think about Holly. Today was her first day in her new preschool. I dropped her off this morning and spent a few minutes talking to her teacher. Holly was nervous but mostly excited. I put an extra ham sandwich in her lunch bag this morning and then surprised her by showing up to her class to have lunch with her. Her beaming smile said it all.
Adam was scheduled to go to York today, but with Katherine ready to have the baby any day, I offered to go instead. I explained to Holly during lunch that I had to go out of town on business and would come home late.
“Katherine will pick you up after school this afternoon and will take you home with her so you can play with Tori. I’ll pick you up after dinner, but maybe you can spend the night at Tori’s if it gets late. Would you like that?”
“Yes, Daddy,” she said, smiling at me with her mother’s beautiful blue eyes.
When Katherine called me before lunch to thank me for going on this business trip so Adam could stay home, I asked her to pick up Holly for me and call Loren to let her know we wouldn’t be home tonight. Before we hung up, Katherine offered to call the cleaning service and schedule someone to clean the house while we were gone.
“Home sweet home,” I say out loud as I park in my driveway. I pick up the phone and call Katherine. I tell her I’ll stop by in the morning with a change of clothes for Holly and take her to school before going to work.
“Sure,” She says, “If you want to see her, you can stop by and have a cup of coffee, but I went by the house after I picked her up from school and packed her little overnight bag just in case you didn’t make it home in time.”
“Thank you so much, Katherine.”
“No, no, thank you,” she said. “Holly is asleep, so relax and try to unwind. You had a long day. See you tomorrow.”
“Good night.” I end the call just as I’m unlocking my front door. I walk in, and I can tell the housekeeper was here. Everything is sparkling clean, including the floors. The sweaters I had left on top of the couch are gone, and the dishes I had left in the sink this morning are washed and put away. The house smells amazing.
I want to eat something but think better of it. I’m just too tired. I start going down the hallway when I spot a small gift bag sitting on the coffee table. I walk over and pick it up to look inside. I unwrap the item and see a ceramic plate with a drawing of a man and a little blond girl in front of a house. A blue sky, a cloud, and the sun. Also in the sky is an angel with wings and blond hair. This must be Holly’s project. Loren must’ve dropped it off. When? How? Maybe Katherine picked it up before she brought Holly home to pick up her overnight bag? I flip it over and see that it has the date and Holly’s name written on it. Also in the bag is a little stand to display the dish. I find a spot for it on top of the entry table. I love it.
I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I look at my five o’clock shadow in the mirror and spot even more white hair growing in. I should probably shave, but like the food idea, I’m just too tired. I step into the shower and let the hot water run down my back, hoping it’ll help relax my body and mind.
Ten minutes later, I put on some sweats and a T-shirt and climb into bed. It’s a little past eleven o’clock. I close my eyes and try to relax.
Is that the phone? I open my eyes and realize I’ve been awakened from a deep sleep. The shrill of the phone puts me on high alert. I immediately reach for it. The time reads half past eleven, and the number is one I don’t recognize. “Hello,” I say in a clipped tone, thinking it’s probably someone calling the wrong number.
“Hello, Aaron?!”
“Yes, who’s this?” I ask, not recognizing the voice.
“Aaron, this is Loren!” She sounds frantic.
“Loren, what’s wrong?!”
“There’s a mouse in my bathroom!”
“A mouse?” I almost want to laugh, “Do you want me to come over and take care of it?”
“Yes, please!”
“I’ll be right there.”