12. Chapter 12
Jon has gone to get some coffee. In the meantime, I’m still sitting here holding Tori. I’m looking down at her as she sleeps, realizing just how much she looks like the Linder women. Her skin is pale like porcelain. Her hair is jet black, and I know that behind those sleeping eyelids are beautiful, emerald green eyes. The freckles dotting her nose and cheeks are light and sparse. She stirs in my arms and then opens her beautiful eyes.
“Hi, Tori,” I say, hoping she won’t be scared of not seeing someone more familiar.
“Hi,” she says, rubbing her eyes with both fists. “You’re Holly’s dad.”
“I am. How are you? Ready to get up from your nap?”
She nods, yawns, and stretches with all her might. She and Holly are a year apart, but they’re about the same height. I figure Tori is taking after her aunt Laila, who is very tall.
I can tell she’s fully awake, and her energy is back when she starts squirming to get off my lap. She gets off and does a little twirl, losing her balance before bracing herself on my knee. Then she whispers, “Auntie Loren likes you.”
I do a double-take. Wait, what did she say? “What did you just say?” I ask her.
Just then, I see Jon walking down the hallway, holding two cups of coffee. I look at Tori and say, “Never mind. Please, never mind.” God, I hope she doesn’t repeat it. Maybe I misunderstood. I didn’t really hear what she said. I’m mistaken. She’s mistaken.
“Auntie Loren likes you! Auntie Loren likes you!” She sings while twirling on her tiptoes like a ballerina. I look up and see Jon walk into Katherine’s room. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
“Tori. Tori, Sweetie, can we make up a different song?” What other songs do you know?”
“Auntie Loren likes you!”
“How about, something like baby Jon is finally here! Baby Jon is finally here!”
Right then, Loren exits Katherine’s room, holding Holly by the hand, and they walk together into the waiting area. I look down at Tori, expecting the little jingle to continue.
Loren is looking at me now. I give her a forced smile and hold my breath.
“Baby Jon is here!” starts Tori, “Baby Jon is here!”
“That’s right,” says Loren, now standing in front of us. She scoops Tori into her arms, and together, they sign, “Baby Jon is here!”
I pick up Holly and kiss her on the cheek. “Are you ready to go?” I ask her before addressing Loren, “Let everyone know we said goodbye.”
“I will,” she says, “Have a nice evening, and thank you for holding Tori while she slept. She’ll be in a much better mood for the rest of the day.”
“You’re welcome,” I say, wanting more than anything to make a quick exit before Tori has a chance to repeat what she said.
As we watch them walk away, I look down at Holly, who’s looking up at me with her mother’s blue eyes, “Let’s go home.”
I drive home on autopilot, wondering what would compel a three-year-old child to say something like that. She had just woken up. Maybe she dreamed it. “Auntie Loren likes you.” The words still echo in my ears.
When we get home, it’s past six o’clock. I make some ham and cheese omelets and a green salad for dinner, and I sit in front of Holly at the kitchen table and spend the next twenty minutes eating and talking about Jon.
Holly is the youngest child on Julie’s side of the family. Her cousins are all at least two years older than her. This is the first baby she’s ever met, and she’s in love.
The phone rings, and I see that it’s Adam.
“Hello,” I say.
“Hey, Brother. How are you?”
I can tell something’s up by the tone of his voice.
“Listen, I just took Tori down to the cafeteria to get something to eat, and between bites of yogurt parfait, she started singing a song about Auntie Loren liking you.”
Oh, no.
“So, I asked her, who does Auntie Loren like?”
“Ok,” I say, trying to be as casual as possible.
“She said Auntie Loren likes Holly’s daddy. Is there something you want to tell me, Aaron?”
“Actually, no. I don’t have anything to say. She started singing that when she woke up from her nap, but I have no idea why. I thought maybe she had a dream or something. I can’t explain it.”
“Is there something going on between you and Loren?” he asks.
“Absolutely not. Nothing is going on. In fact, I’ve only seen Loren a few times since we moved back.”
“Are you interested in her?” he asks.
I say nothing.
“Aaron?”
Silence.
“Your silence tells me everything I need to know.” His voice is calm and even.
“Adam,” I begin, “you know it’s just me and Holly now. It’s been like that for two years. I haven’t thought of another woman in almost two decades. I’m not looking for a relationship. Plus, it’s not just me. I have my daughter to think of.”
“I hear what you’re saying,” Adam says.
“I have no idea why Tori would say that. Have you asked Loren?”
“I thought I’d ask you first. Loren is a sweet woman, but you never want to piss her off.”
Oh, I know, I think to myself, but I would never say it out loud.
“Loren is your sister-in-law. Hell, she might as well be your flesh and blood. She’s been through a lot. I doubt there’s any merit to what Tori said. There’s certainly nothing for me to speak of.”
That seems to satisfy his curiosity. We spend a few minutes talking about Katherine and Jon and then say our good nights before I end the call.
I look over at Holly, who’s still eating her omelet and appears fully engrossed in trying to fork a grape tomato in her salad.
“Daddy,” She starts, still looking at her salad.
“Yes, Princess,” I say, bracing myself for what will come out of her mouth next because somehow, I know.
“I like Auntie Loren.”
“Why do you call her your auntie?” I ask, trying to avoid what is sure to come next.
“She’s Jon’s auntie. You said Jon is my cousin, so she’s my auntie.”
“I see,” I say, smiling at her.
“Daddy, I don’t want Loren to be my auntie. I want her to be my mommy.”
There it is. My heart twists, and my eyes water. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to process her comment and find the right words in response.
There’s a knock on the door. Holly and I look at each other as I rise from my chair and walk to the door. When I open it, my heart stops. Loren is standing there smiling and holding a box of cupcakes.
Before I can utter a word, I hear Holly squeal, “Auntie Loren!”
“Can I come in?”
“Yes, of course,” I say, opening the door wide.
As soon as she enters, Holly meets her with a hug. Loren picks up my daughter and kisses her on the cheek. Then I watch a little moment between them as they gently rub their noses together.
I’m immediately taken back in time and replay the hundreds of times I observed Julie doing the exact same thing with Holly. Holly was too young when Julie died, so there’s no way she would remember the gesture.
“What’s wrong?” Asks Loren when she realizes I’m standing still, dumbfounded by what I’ve just witnessed.
I try to collect myself as I feel my emotions teetering between tears and anger.
“Nothing.” The single word sounds harsh.
I run my fingers through my hair again, trying to put my feelings aside and hoping I can get a grip before saying another word.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. She puts the box of cupcakes down on the console next to Holly’s dish. I notice that she runs her finger on the edge of the dish before looking back at me. She looks hurt.
“Holly wanted me to come over to see her baby blanket and the picture of Julie in her bedroom. Is that ok? I can come another time.”
“No,” I say. “I’m sorry. Go ahead. Holly, show her your room, Princess.”
Loren is looking at me and questioning me in silence. Holly takes her by the hand and pulls her towards the hallway that leads to her bedroom.
I pick up the dinner dishes and put them in the sink with much more force than appropriate. How did Loren know about the nose kisses? That was something special between Julie and Holly. I don’t see how Loren found out about it, but I don’t like it.
“Get a hold of yourself, man,” I hear myself saying out loud.
I wash the dishes, dry them off, and put them away. The house is spotless, but for some reason, I find myself cleaning every surface in the kitchen, trying to wipe out the image of another woman sharing a special moment that was sacred and shared only between my wife and my daughter.
I look at my watch and realize almost an hour has gone by. I could hear laughing, giggling, and talking for a long time, but now it’s just quiet.
I’m putting the omelet pan away when I see Loren leaving Holly’s room. She’s smiling as she walks the short distance back to the kitchen.
“I hope it’s ok that she fell asleep,” she whispers.
“She fell asleep?” I ask, “She didn’t take a bath.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, smiling. “We were talking for a long time, but after a while, I could tell she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. Poor baby, she had a long day with all the baby excitement. I told her it was time for me to go, but she asked me if I would stay and tuck her in. How could I say no? I helped her change into her nightgown, and I tucked her in. She’s sleeping soundly.”
I look down at my watch again, knowing it’s past eight.
She’s standing close to me, her perfume confusing me and infuriating me all at once.
I take a step forward and wrap my hand around her arm. She looks up at me, her eyes wide and confused.
“Loren, I need you to be perfectly clear on one thing. You are not my daughter’s mother.”
She’s offended. My words have wounded her. I see her eyes well up with tears before she speaks.
” I know I’m not her mom. It was never my intention to come across that way. What did I do? You’ve had an attitude with me since the moment I walked in the door. Do you mind explaining to me what your problem is? And please let go of me.”
I release her, “You’re my problem,” I say before I have a chance to weigh my words.
“I’m your problem? Please explain,” Her eyes are spitting fire. “What have I done between this afternoon and right now?”
“My daughter doesn’t need you. You understand me? She has me. It’s just the two of us now. She doesn’t need a mother figure. No one asked you to take on that role, so please stop with the motherly performance.”
“Performance?!” She snaps back.
“Yes, performance. You’re acting like you love my daughter. You don’t even know her.”
“It’s not hard to love Holly,” she says before walking past me and heading for the front door.
Before she reaches it, I hear myself say, “One more thing. You might want to explain to Adam why Tori would ever say Auntie Loren likes me. It put me in a tough spot with Adam. He basically demanded to know what my intentions are with you.”
She stops but doesn’t turn around, so I can’t see her expression. She also doesn’t say a word before reaching for the doorknob. Without looking back, she walks out and gently shuts the door behind her.