28. Chapter 28
I haven’t called her, nor have I heard from her. I’ve talked to Adam on the phone almost every day this week and a half, but we have managed to avoid the subject.
While I’ve been at work, my parents have been exploring the city with Holly. They’re enjoying everything the city has to offer. I take her to the park in the afternoons, where she rides her bike to her heart’s content.
Tonight, my parents are out on a date. I decided an evening without us would be nice for them. I bought them tickets for dinner and a sunset skyline cruise. Tonight, it’s just me and Holly.
After I make her favorite meal for dinner, mac and cheese with broccoli, we decide to watch a movie before bedtime.
“Daddy,” she says, sitting beside me curled up under a blanket, “I miss Loren.”
“I miss her too, Baby.”
“Are we going to see her soon?”
“Thanksgiving is a couple of weeks away,” I say. “We’ll be going to California, remember?”
“Why can’t Loren come with us?”
“Loren’s family is in Cold Spring. She wants to spend the holidays with them.”
“Daddy, I want her to be our family too.”
I swallow the lump forming in my throat.
“Loren is only our friend, Angel.”
“Can I ask her if she wants to be my mommy?”
“No, Baby. Loren is only our friend, ok?”
”But if I ask her, maybe she’ll say yes.”
What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
“How about if we wait a little while? You might change your mind.”
“I can wait, Daddy, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
After we finish watching Lion King, Holly takes a bath. My designated spot during baths has moved to just outside the bathroom door, where I sit in a chair for half an hour reading a book or answering e-mails.
When she goes to bed, I think about calling Loren, but I talk myself out of it. She hung up on me the last time we spoke. For all I know, she might still be mad at me.
When my parents come home, I can tell they had a great time. They share every detail of their cruise.
“We’ve been on the same cruise before,” says Mom, “but I don’t remember it being this fun.”
“It was years ago,” says Dad, ”You should join us next time, Son.”
“Julie and I went on the same cruise three years before she died,” I say. “It feels strange to do things without her.”
“Maybe you can invite a friend,” says Mom, “You can build new memories.”
“You mean Loren.”
“I do mean Loren. Holly loves that girl, and I know the feeling is mutual.”
“I don’t think the problem is Holly,” I say. ”The problem is Justin. His ghost and his memory live deep in Loren’s heart. I can’t compete with that. I can’t expose my daughter to possible heartbreak either.”
“Justin is gone,” says Mom, “You’re still here. That gives you an advantage. You need to try again.”
“Are you listening to this?” I ask Dad, “Aren’t you going to help me out here?”
“I agree with your mother.”
I run my fingers through my hair. “What about Holly?” I ask.
“Holly will be fine,” Dad says, “I realize that with you living next door to Loren, it’s hard to see her without Holly being present. Why don’t you let Holly stay with us this week? We leave for California in a couple of weeks, so take the time between now and then to see if there’s something there.”
“I love her, Dad.”
He nods and says, “That’s why you shouldn’t give up.”
“You make it sound so simple. Rejection hurts.”
“So does regret, Son.”
When I go to bed a couple of hours later, I replay the conversation I had with my parents in my mind over and over again. How can I pursue a woman whose heart is buried with her dead fiancé?
Mom gets up early in the morning and fixes a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, French toast, and fruit.
I watch Holly as she pours maple syrup on her French toast. “Easy on the syrup, Princess.”
She only eats a few bites of her French toast before losing interest. She does eat all her fruit and drinks a glass of milk.
“Daddy, can we go to the park before we go home?”
“Yes, I’ll take you to the park before we hit the road.”
Mom and Dad leave first, but they remind me that Holly is going to stay with them.
On our way home in the afternoon, I ask Holly about staying with them.
“Sweetheart, would you mind staying with Grandma and Grandpa this week?”
“So I’m not going home?” she asks.
“If you want to come home with me, you can. It’s up to you. What do you want to do?”
“I want to see Loren, Daddy.”
When we pull into the driveway, it’s just before six o’clock. After we take everything inside, Holly falls asleep on the couch, and I shower.
We have grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner.
After Holly takes a bath, she gets into her pajamas and then helps me clean the kitchen. Her job is to wipe down all the surfaces she can reach. When the doorbell rings, we both look at each other. I walk over to the door, thinking it might be Adam or my parents, and I swing it open.
Before my brain can register who it is, I hear Holly’s little voice scream “Loren!” Loren is standing at the door smiling,
“Welcome back,” she says. Her beautiful green eyes are smiling, too. She’s wearing a pink V-neck sweater, jeans, and black canvas shoes. Her hair is braided to the side, with several strands loose around her neck and shoulders.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course, come in,” I say.
As soon as she walks in, Holly climbs off the chair she was standing on and runs full speed towards Loren. Loren picks her up, and their embrace clearly shows how much they love each other.
Loren kisses Holly on the cheek, and Holly kisses her back.
I stand there speechless, not knowing whether I should be happy or afraid. I can’t afford to let Holly get hurt by rejection. I need to put some permanent distance between them, and soon.
“I missed you, Loren,” Holly says before wrapping her arms around Loren’s neck again and squeezing with all her might.
“I missed you too, Baby. I missed you both so much.” Loren says as her gaze meets mine. Her words give me a glimmer of hope, but I can feel my guard is still up. Way up.
She puts Holly down but doesn’t let go of her hand.
“Do you want to go in my room to play?” Holly asks.
Loren looks at me for approval. “Yes, go,” I say.
Holly pulls Loren by the hand, and together, they walk down the hallway and into Holly’s bedroom.
For the next hour, I can hear them completely engrossed in conversation. Holly’s little voice and high-pitched laughter fill the house.
When I finish drying the dishes, I realize the house has gone silent. I wait a few minutes and put our cups and plates away in the cupboard before walking down the hallway to investigate.
When I walk into Holly’s room, I’m met with not one but two sleeping beauties. Loren has a book on her chest, and she’s propped up on pillows next to Holly, who’s fast asleep with her baby blanket gripped in her hand.
I quietly go into the linen closet and pull out a large crocheted blanket Mom made for me last year.
When I place it over a sleeping Loren, she doesn’t stir at all. I fold my arms across my chest and stand there for a few seconds, admiring her beauty. Her breathing is slow and deep. I check the time. It’s a little after ten.
I return to the living room and sit on the couch to send my parents a quick text telling them we’re home. I have the day off tomorrow, so I will spend the day with Holly and drop her off in the evening.
A few minutes later, Loren walks in as I’m typing a final text to my dad.
“I’ll see myself out,” she mouths without making a sound.
I quickly stand up and put the phone in my pocket.
“Thank you for stopping by,” I say. “Holly missed you.”
She smiles and nods but doesn’t say anything; instead, she turns around and heads for the door.
I reach for her arm, gently spinning her around to face me.
“Wait,” I say. “Did you mean it when you said you missed me?”
“I did,” she says, giving me a hesitant smile. “I missed you both.”
“You know what I mean,” I say, hoping she’ll be more specific. “Did you miss me?”
“Holly has grown,” she says in response, “She looks taller than the last time I saw her.”
She’s avoiding my gaze, looking down at the floor. I lift her chin with my thumb until she looks at me.
“Don’t change the subject. Did you miss me? Because I sure as hell missed you.”
I reach for one of the loose curls grazing her cheek and gently sweep it away from her face. I trace her beautiful neck with my fingertips until they reach the chain around her neck. When I touch it, I could swear the damn thing scorches my skin.
“You know, these rings mock me every time I see them.”
“What do you mean?”
“You wear them next to your heart, and as long as they’re there, I can’t seem to get close to you.”
“Aaron, I’m sorry. I should go.”
I drop the hand resting on her shoulder, expecting her to leave, but she doesn’t move.
“If you don’t leave now, Loren, I’m going to kiss you.”
I take a step closer, but she still doesn’t move.
I look into her eyes. They are expressing everything her lips refuse to say. I look down at her lips, then her neck, and finally, my gaze lands on the rings.
I can almost detect the beating of her heart underneath the soft fabric of her sweater. Her breathing is now fast and shallow.
I can’t help myself. I reach for her. I envelop her in my arms in an attempt to calm her racing heart. She sinks into my embrace, letting me hold her close. I feel her hands as they come up and rest on my back. I’m in full protective mode now, wanting nothing more than to comfort her. A few seconds later, I can feel her heartbeat and her breathing slow. I hold her close until I feel her body relax against mine, her head resting on my chest.
I pull away just enough so I can meet her gaze. “Do you want to leave?” I ask.
“No,” is her response. That one single word means everything.
“I want so desperately to kiss you.”
“Kiss me,” she says as her cheeks turn the prettiest shade of pink I’ve ever seen.
I lean down and kiss her. Her lips are soft. She doesn’t pull away. Instead, she kisses me back. I bring a hand up to the nape of her neck, and with my thumb, I can feel her pulse, quick but steady. I pull her closer, and she responds, allowing our kiss to deepen. A long and sweet kiss that I wish could last forever.