Seventeen Miranda
Seventeen
Miranda
2018
It’s the last week of filming Crashed and Burned , thank god. Miranda has somehow found it in herself to stick it out, but Dora had enough. Yesterday, one of the guys—some himbo who used to play a jock on Boy Meets World —peed in the hot tub after his two allotted drinks. When Dora realized that the warm water was coming from somewhere other than the jets, she shrieked and kicked him right in the nuts.
Miranda saw it happen from the tiki bar. When he squealed in protest, Dora threw her head back and cackled. “That’ll teach ya!”
In a few moments, security had arrived, grasping Dora’s arm and saying Let’s go in serious voices. Bullying and messy gossip were one thing, but violence was a liability.
“Yeah, all right.” Dora adjusted her sagging black bikini and climbed out of the tub. “Old Dora Sanchez doesn’t need this bullshit anyway.” She raised her arms and flipped the bird with both hands as the security guys escorted her off the premises. “You can all kiss my ass!”
“I’m going to miss her,” Miranda says to Desi Jacobs, shaking her head as she sips a mai tai.
“She’s my hero,” says Desi, the former teen host of a game show on the same channel that ran Kidz Klub . She took a hard left turn into insurance fraud at the same time Miranda’s auditions dried up. “You think Dustin’s okay?”
Miranda eyes the bag of ice that the paramedics have given Dustin to put on his crotch. He’s nearly in tears.
“I was hoping to get with that before we wrapped up here,” Desi says.
Miranda makes a face. “Isn’t he married?”
“Yeah. With kids.” Desi frowns when she sees Miranda’s judgmental expression. “What? I never pretended to be a good person.”
So this morning there is one less chair in the group-therapy circle, leaving eight of them who have made it to the final meeting. Brandon is still looking as chipper as ever, but there’s something about his energy that’s beginning to fray—he’s been just as cooped up here on set as everyone else. Miranda is sure he’ll be jumping on the next flight to Cabo the first chance he gets.
“Contestants,” he says earnestly, therapists flanking him on either side, “I’m so proud of your progress. You’ve taken the initiative to go on this journey together, experiencing many ups and downs along the way. I know we’ve had some tough conversations and even tougher group challenges. But being honest with yourselves is the first step to walking back the crash.”
Walking back the crash —Miranda guesses they’re making that the tagline of the show, because Brandon and the therapists keep saying it very pointedly. Even Dustin and Tyler started incorporating it into their language, and Dora said it once tongue in cheek. But Miranda still doesn’t understand it. Crashes happen, and they’re devastating, irrevocable—you can’t just make them unhappen by demonstrating team spirit and telling yourself that you’re a winner.
“It’s been really hard,” Desi is saying, shaking her head. She’s looking very intently at a spot on the floor, and Miranda can tell she’s trying to make herself cry. If anyone’s going to make a final bid for that million-dollar prize, now is the time. “We’ve had to be away from our families and all the people we love. But, really—that distance has made me realize how important they are to me. How much I’ve—I’ve hurt them in the past, with my behavior. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.”
Tears spill prettily from her eyes, and the therapists nod with approval. Tyler sighs. Miranda puts her arm around Desi as she takes a steadying breath, placing a hand to her cheek as if she’s embarrassed. Miranda’s impressed with the performance.
“Thank you for sharing, Desi.” Brandon nods. “That’s very brave. Now let’s—”
Tyler sighs again, even louder. His eyebrows are furrowed, and his face is screwed up like something is weighing on him.
“Tyler,” Brandon says. It’s as though Miranda can see the gears turning in his head. “You haven’t shared yet. Is there anything you’d like to say to the group?”
Tyler pulls at his chin with his hand and sits up straighter. “Yeah, actually. I—I have a heavy heart about something, something that happened in the past. And unless I address it, I just—I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to move on. I’ll never be able to walk back the crash.”
Brandon signals for the boom guy to come around, but the audio technician is already moving the crew closer. The anticipation in the air is palpable, like sharks smelling blood. The producers know that Tyler is about to offer them a big revelation, and they’re letting him know he’ll be rewarded for it.
Miranda does not feel so eager to hear it. In fact, she has an uneasy feeling in her stomach.
Tyler keeps his eyes trained on the floor as though he doesn’t even see the cast and crew.
“About ten years ago,” he begins, “I did a Holiday Heartwarmers movie. You might know it— The Bennington Bookshop ? Anyway. My costar was ... well, Miranda. And I’ve been holding this in for years, but I have to admit that, at the time ... she and I were sleeping together.”
There’s an audible gasp from both the contestants and crew. Brandon’s eyes are practically glittering. A reveal that implicates another member of the cast? It’s the jackpot.
But Miranda is seeing red. She can feel all the blood somehow draining from her face and flooding to her fists at the same time. How dare he. How can he say all this on camera when he threatened her not to breathe a word? How can he frame her as desperate? They were in the same shitty movie together. Tyler might have gone on to do bigger and better things for a few more years than she did, but now they’re here together again, in the same boat—crashed, burned, humiliating themselves on a TV show.
She cannot believe his gall.
“It was so unprofessional, and it wasn’t the right thing to do. I don’t know, I just”—Tyler runs his hands through his hair, seemingly unable to stop talking—“I kept silent all these years because Miranda had a rough reputation. I was worried my own career might be jeopardized by association, you know? I realized pretty quickly that I had made a mistake. And then she wound up in jail, and everyone was saying she was basically a prostitute ... that made me feel pretty awful about myself, that I had been with her.”
“Tyler,” Miranda says through a clenched jaw. Brandon holds up a finger, as if to say, Oh, we’ll get to you next. Don’t you worry.
“But now,” Tyler says, opening his hands and raising his eyebrows. “Now I realize how judgmental that was. How I was being kind of a jerk. And I’ve learned here, on Crashed and Burned , that you have to forgive yourself before asking for forgiveness from others; I have to be tolerant of others’ mistakes, because I’ve made plenty of my own. And over the past few weeks, I’ve been coming to terms with that.”
He finally looks Miranda in the eyes. She can almost hear the sentimental music with which they’ll underscore this touching scene.
“So, Miranda,” he says.
“No,” Miranda shoots back. “No, no—”
Tyler makes his eyes wide and hopeful. “Is there any way you can find it in your heart to forgive the way I treated you?”
“ No !” she shouts, staggering to her feet. “You don’t give a shit about me—you didn’t back then, you didn’t when you found out I was on this show, and you absolutely do not now.”
The cameras and microphones have all pivoted to face her. Miranda registers that she’s shouting, she’s screaming so loud that her voice will go hoarse, but she doesn’t care.
“Miranda—” Tyler starts.
“Shut Up ! You don’t get to come on here and give me some fake-ass apology to trick the world into thinking you’re a good person, when you’re actually an enormous dick! I will never forgive you. You wrote ‘washed up bitch’ in the men’s bathroom; I know it was you. You dropped me like a piece of garbage the second you thought I might have feelings for you. You made fun of me on set behind my back. And now you come on here, in front of everyone, and throw something we did in private ten years ago in my face ?”
Her throat is on fire. She’s hyperventilating.
But Tyler is unmoved, watching her outburst with little change in expression. “Miranda, you know that we were together on that film set. Everyone knew. Then the producers told me to keep away from you. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”
“Everything he is saying is a crock of shit !” Miranda roars.
The last time she was this angry, some bitch was coming at her in the prison showers, shiv in hand. All Miranda could do that day was scream and try to roll out of the way. But not this time. Because luckily, before Dora got kicked off the show, she taught Miranda how to punch.
That’s how Miranda lands her fist into Tyler’s face. And lands back at the police station, under arrest for assault.
The only people who are happy about the situation are the production team, who got everyone to sign cast-iron contracts so they couldn’t sue afterward. And they know one thing for certain: the ratings for this episode will be huge.
Between fingerprinting and the Breathalyzer, the executive producer tells Miranda they definitely want her for their next series.
It’s for former stars who’ve had a major public humiliation: Rock Bottom .