18 | dawn
‘I’m going to take you now,’ William warned, his warm breath spreading across my kiss-swollen lips. ‘And I assure you, love, you’ll be feeling me for a week.’ A lecherous smile emerged on his mouth before he claimed mine. Powerfully seductive, he dominated me completely through a mere kiss.
I inhaled sharply, my chest tingling. My pounding heart was on the verge of bursting with excitement. Finally I would feel him enter me again, thrusting in to reach a depth no other man had. I had longed to feel him buried inside me for months now, and with each day that had gone by, my lust for him had grown more extreme.
He pushed in, his gaze searing while he elicited a long moan of pleasure from my mouth. I clawed his muscular back, my face contorting at the unmistakable sensation. God, he felt good, and he stretched me so far. Closing my eyes, I savoured how complete I felt. Caged beneath his strong, naked body, I marvelled. How had I ended up here again?
The same moment I thought it, I realised I was dreaming. I awoke with a gasp, my eyes opening. Rolling sideways, I propped myself on my forearm and grabbed my phone from the nightstand to check the time. It was six in the morning – too early to wake up, but too late to go back to sleep.
Groaning, I put it back and noticed how soaked I was. My juices covered the better part of my inner thighs, deriving from the cleft above which still throbbed and tingled from the illusion of William’s touch. Clearly, they were called ‘wet dreams’ for a reason, but waking up from one starring none other than my boss was not an ideal way to start my day. What made it worse was that it was easily one of the most fantastic sex dreams I had ever had, and he hadn’t even made me orgasm. Though, last week, he had managed to on several occasions, albeit in my dreams and fantasies of him.
This was getting out of hand. Not even during sleep did I manage to escape my lust for him. He was driving me mad. The past three nights, he had been present in all my dreams. My subconscious clearly refused to let him go, regardless of how much I wanted it to.
In an attempt to exorcise him from my mind, I had even gone so far as to masturbate to the thought of him, but it hadn’t helped. All it had done was reinforce my lust for him. Sleeping with Aaron yesterday hadn’t helped either. I had been distracted under his touch, comparing it to my memory of William’s, which had ultimately led Aaron’s to lose its impact. I hadn’t even been able to reach orgasm – I’d had to fake it – which was surely a first for me. In the three years I had slept with Aaron, I had never been unable to climax – until now.
It infuriated me. William had clearly moved on, so why couldn’t I? Why had my body latched on to the memory of him like this?
A few tearless sobs escaped while I rubbed my face. Pushing my duvet aside, I climbed out of bed and mentally prepared myself for another intense day under his spellbinding stare. I was still dazed by my erotic dream, so I showered for longer than usual, hoping the hot stream of water would cleanse my mind, too, and wash away my lust for William.
When I finished, I walked dispiritedly out of the glass cage and wiped a line of condensation off the bathroom mirror. Leaning toward my reflection, I saw how discouraged I looked. My freckles were fainter than usual, and purple bags had gathered under my eyes.
I watched as a frown surfaced. ‘Stop thinking of him, Cara. He’s your goddamned boss,’ I scolded and opened the middle drawer beneath the basin to fetch my make-up kit.
I started by moisturising my face, hoping it would treat the symptoms of my exhaustion. Then I grabbed my corrector, applied it under my eyes, and covered it with my concealer. Eventually I had managed to hide any sign of sleep deprivation. Since I preferred a natural look, I didn’t apply anything else on my skin. As I got started on my eyes, on a whim I decided to add a very faint smoky eye. I would look fiercer like this. Ready to attack the day. Ready to fend off any daydreams about my tantalising boss.
§ § §
As intended, I arrived before William. Since he had wanted me to work in his office all of last week, I headed straight into it at ten to eight to clear his desk and organise the files on it for him. He would probably assume that I had done it as a favour to him, but I was determined to do it solely because I couldn’t stand untidiness. Mum had always said, ‘Order around you, order within you’, and that statement had stayed with me.
A few minutes later, I heard the doorknob turn. My gaze dashed to it just as William came in, dressed in a light-grey suit. The smile he wore nearly made me sob. The fact that he looked even better in reality than in my dreams was hardly fair. Looking him in the eye right then, when I had just had a vivid and erotic dream about him, was mortifying. To keep from blushing was impossible, and I was certain he noticed, because his smile suddenly broadened.
‘Well, good morning to you too,’ he said amusedly. ‘I don’t think anyone’s blushed so hard at the sight of me before.’
‘Don’t point it out,’ I muttered and looked back at the files. ‘And don’t flatter yourself. I’m blushing because you caught me tidying up your mess, and I don’t want you thinking it’s to suck up to you.’
He shut the door, murmuring, ‘Somebody got out of bed on the wrong side.’
I kept my eyes off him as he approached the desk, and my heart plummeted when he put a Starbucks cup in front of me. He had to stop doing this. I couldn’t bear his kindness. All it did was remind me of how irresistible he was. If he carried on this way, I might as well wave my sanity goodbye.
‘Perhaps this will help,’ he said.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. ‘You need to stop bringing me coffee, Will.’
‘Er, why?’
‘Because it’s unnecessary. I’ve got a machine at home.’
‘So? I thought it could be a nice custom. Besides, you can’t make flat whites at home, can you?’
I let out a loud breath. ‘I don’t need flat whites.’
‘Well, I have to stop by the shop anyway. Might as well—’
‘Fine. ’
My hostile attitude made him pause. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yes, I’m fine. Sorry.’
What he did next nearly made me smile. Very slowly, he pushed the coffee toward me as though I were a wild animal that would chew off his hand if he did anything too abrupt.
I grabbed it with a sigh and raised it to read the black ink.
True grit is what leads to success, it said, and my heart missed a beat.
I frowned. Was it a reference to our conversation the night we first met? I remembered I had pointed out his grit then. What else could it mean? Was it merely a coincidence? Or was he implying perseverance? Then, regarding what? Me? Was this his way of telling me not to give up on him? Or was he trying to say that he hadn’t actually given up on me ?
No, he wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t possibly be trying to flirt with me, not when he had Francesca.
Puzzled, I looked at him. ‘What’s this supposed to mean?’
‘That you should never give up on your dreams despite the obstacles you might face.’ He shrugged. ‘Just some inspirational words. You’ve done an excellent job so far, and I wanted to motivate you to continue with it.’
My eyes narrowed with suspicion. ‘Hm. “Grit” sounds familiar, though.’
His facial expression was blank. ‘Does it?’
‘Never mind,’ I murmured, as I didn’t feel like bringing up the night we met. Pretending that I didn’t remember anything at all from our first encounter was much more tempting. ‘Thanks.’
‘I’ll help you out,’ he said as he rounded the desk.
I froze when he stopped right next to me. Delicious electricity seemed to charge between our bodies, and mercy was nowhere to be found when I caught his seductive scent.
‘I can do it,’ I said, because his closeness was clouding my thoughts.
His beautiful hands reached out to organise a stack of paper. ‘I know you can, but four hands will get the job done quicker.’
I grew quiet.
‘That’s a lovely perfume you’re wearing,’ he said after a while, and it made me blush again. Could he stop being so goddamned charming? I had to move on, but he was making it impossible. ‘What’s it called?’
‘It’s called none of your business,’ I said impassively.
He chuckled. ‘Christ. It was only a compliment. What’s got your knickers in such a twist?’
You .
‘Sorry, time of the month,’ I lied.
‘Ah. I’ll tread gently.’
‘Do you ever?’ I said under my breath, but when his hands froze, it was apparent that he had heard me.
After a brief pause, he leaned forward to lock eyes with me, and his glowed with a strictness that I found oddly arousing. ‘I don’t appreciate your passive-aggressive behaviour right now. If there’s something you’d like to say, be direct about it.’
Ripping my gaze from his, I glared away and wondered if I should tell him that I hadn’t remotely appreciated his conduct last week with regards to Francesca’s visit. At the same time, I was reluctant to enlighten him.
‘You’re right, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.’
‘Apology accepted.’
A period of silence elapsed, and I spent it dreading the rest of my day here. I hoped Francesca or another lover wouldn’t make an appearance, but if it happened, I hoped William would retain the decency not to ask me to work in his office straight afterwards.
We spent another five minutes on the task before we got started on actual work, and we hardly exchanged a word until lunch, but I caught him stealing glances at me so often that my irritation with him continued to increase. I hated being scrutinised by him, so I didn’t want to work in here. I wanted to work next to Ellie.
His presence was bothering me immensely – his whole existence was.He was my boss, and I was madly attracted to him. Watching him sit there in his light-grey suit with that olive green tie around his neck – a neck which I had lavished with kisses some months ago – was beyond frustrating. Though I had never been religious, I could relate to Eve’s time in Eden. However, in my case, Eden was my job – my personal paradise. The serpent was my never-ending lust for William, always whispering at the back of my mind, trying to tempt me into tasting the forbidden fruit that was my boss – William fucking Night. Truly, the more we interacted, the harder it was to resist acting on my infatuation with him, and it pissed me off.
I would have to think of something to rectify this situation. Being in his audience was far too distracting. It was difficult to maintain a strict focus on work. So easily, my thoughts ventured into erotic fantasies about him. I could barely look into his eyes without seeing the sizzling gaze he had once trapped me with, when I had been spread flat across his dining table .
Groaning, I decided I would hit the gym after work. Maybe blowing off some steam would quell my lust for him, at least for a while. Indeed, to tackle this, I would make the gym my go-to place for therapy to cure my anger and frustration with myself. I would exhaust myself completely, to the point where I wouldn’t have energy left to spare for anything other than breathing.
§ § §
Over lunch, I hardly shared a word with anyone. Violet tried to strike up a conversation with me, but I was dismissive in my replies because I was preoccupied with my thoughts. She didn’t seem offended, though, for which I was grateful, but then she didn’t come across as a sensitive person either. Besides, as she was talking to me, I couldn’t help but think that she might be trying to play me for a fool. I knew full well that she had been, and perhaps still was, William’s regular bed partner, so I was suspicious of her intentions. It was possible that her interest was innocent, but part of me wondered if it was based solely on the fact that we had once shared a man. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, though, because there was something about her character that I found rather agreeable. Perhaps it was her assertiveness, or perhaps it was her intellect. Regardless, she had acquired my respect, so while I was dismissive, I was still polite about it.
When Andy tried to get a word out of me, asking if my pasta salad was any good, I had enough.
‘It is,’ I said and stood up. ‘Anyway, I think I’ll get back to work.’
Without looking at me, William nodded and put his fork down. ‘Me too,’ he said and pushed his chair out.
I cursed inwardly. I had hoped to get some space from him, and now he was robbing me of the opportunity.
§ § §
At half three, I attended the meeting that William had with our client Clifford Paints to go over the draft version of the NDA. Ellie joined us for it to write the report, so I looked over her shoulder a lot while William discussed the specifics of the NDA. Fortunately, I managed to resist admiring him this time and instead remained focused on what was being said.
It was nearly five o’clock when the meeting concluded, and I caught myself hoping that William wouldn’t ask me to stay longer to complete the report or polish the NDA. If he did, I considered whether to ask him if I could do it from home instead, as I was all too eager to depart from his presence and hit the gym.
‘I’ll walk you down in just a moment,’ William said as Gerard, Tom and Bo left the meeting room. Closing the door, he turned around and answered my prayers by ordering Ellie to stay longer instead. But then he looked at me and said, ‘You can go and wait in my office.’
I blinked. ‘Er, because you need me to stay longer as well?’
‘No, but we need to have a chat.’
My body turned rigid while a faint, ‘Okay,’ poured out of my mouth. Was I in trouble?
As soon as he had left the room, I met Ellie’s eyes. ‘Have I done something wrong? Do you know?’ I asked worriedly.
She looked puzzled. ‘Not that I’m aware of. He probably just wants to ask you about your experience so far.’ She put her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it. ‘Try not to worry.’
I huffed. ‘Easier said than done.’ Standing up, I closed my laptop and said, ‘Well, good luck with the report. Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘I’m sure you will, Cara. Honestly.’
My heart was drumming to the beat of a dramatic orchestra as I waited for William. Minutes felt like hours as I sat in his office after having packed my things. Staring at my bag, I wondered if I had packed them for the last time. If he intended to dismiss me, I wondered on what grounds. I had done my absolute best since I started here, and I hadn’t messed up a single thing as far as I was aware, so what could possibly be wrong? I knew I had been rude to him this morning, but we had already addressed that, so what was the problem now?
I sprang up from my seat the moment I heard him open the door behind me. My eyes wide, I watched him close it and delve his hands in his pockets.
‘Thanks for waiting,’ he said.
My heart was in my mouth. ‘What did you want to speak to me about?’
‘Well, something’s clearly wrong,’ he said. ‘You avoided me all of last week, and today you’ve hardly said a word – and when you do, you’re grumpy and rude.’
I pressed my lips together. Did he have any self-awareness? My tongue might have been sharper than usual today, but he was definitely rude too, albeit by his actions rather than his words.
‘Rude? I’m rude?’
He frowned. ‘Yes. ’
His hypocrisy pushed me to the end of my tether. ‘Well, at least I don’t fuck someone in my office and then proceed to make my colleague work there right afterwards.’
His eyebrows leaped up his forehead. ‘That’s what’s been bothering you?’
‘Well, of course, Will!’
‘Why didn’t you tell me this immediately?’
‘Why didn’t I tell you?’ I waved my arm in the air. ‘Maybe if you used the right head for once, you’d know why.’
His lips snapped into a winding line upon my phrasing. He was clearly trying to hide a smile.
‘Enlighten me, then.’
I gestured to him, vexed. ‘I was worried you’d get the wrong impression. Moreover, you’re my boss. In case you need your memory jogged, I’m brand new at this job, and I’m still trying to find my footing round here. Scolding my superior for his lack of work ethics isn’t exactly a tempting thing to do on my third day.’
He nodded. ‘Please elaborate on why you were worried it could give me the wrong impression.’
Frowning, I looked away and folded my arms. ‘I didn’t want you to think that I’m jealous because you’re seeing someone else.’
‘I’m not.’
My heart did a flip and my eyes flickered back to him. ‘What?’
He shrugged. ‘I’m not seeing anyone.’
I stared at him, my face flushed with surprise. ‘Do you mean you aren’t even sleeping with anyone?’ Disbelief permeated my tone.
He raised a brow. ‘Not that it’s any of your business whether I am, but yes, that’s correct.’
I blinked. ‘Then why was Francesca here?’
He waved a hand in the air. ‘She came to ask me for a second chance.’
Several seconds elapsed while I tried to make sense of the facts. ‘But her hair,’ I said in my confusion. ‘The window, your lips...’
Surprise flashed across his face. ‘You surely noticed a lot.’
‘I...’ The more I remembered the scene, the more severe my confusion became. ‘But you even asked me to bring my laptop with me, and the way you said it...’
He regarded me with patience. ‘I asked you to bring your laptop with you because I wasn’t sure what to expect. She cried a lot when I ended things with her, so I wanted to make sure that you’d be able to keep working if she needed some time to collect herself.’ He raised a hand and scratched his cheek. ‘As for my lips...’ He gazed away and shook his head. ‘Well, she kissed me right before she left, and quite fervently at that. It made me feel a bit queasy, so I opened a window for some fresh air.’
A new wave of colour flooded my face. I was mortified. ‘I...I’m so sorry.’
Grimacing, I averted my eyes and scolded myself for having been so bold as to accuse my boss, however indirectly, of something so outrageous without any firm evidence whatsoever. What had got into me?
‘Please, forgive me. I don’t know what came over me. I...’ I hugged myself tighter and dropped my gaze to the floor. ‘It won’t happen again.’
‘It’s all right.’
I looked up, hot with shame. ‘I really am so sorry.’
‘Don’t worry about it. I get why you’d assume that.’ He nodded. ‘And I also understand why you were reluctant to bring it up with me. Though, for next time, please just tell me straight away.’
‘I will.’ I nodded vehemently.
We were quiet for some time before a sigh travelled out of his mouth. ‘Well, you’re free to go,’ he said and opened the door for me, but I didn’t move. I stood glued to the ground, wondering if I could find the courage to ask him why he had ended things with Francesca.
Frowning, he scanned my body and slowly closed the door again. ‘Is there something else?’
I swallowed and avoided his gaze.
Just do it, I told myself. Otherwise I’ll go mad wondering about it.
‘Cara?’
‘Why did you end things with her?’ I asked and bravely met his eyes.
He studied me, his jaw flexing. ‘I really shouldn’t be answering that.’
My eyebrows curved. ‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s inappropriate.’
‘The question? Or the answer?’
He knitted his brows. ‘This whole conversation.’
I fell silent. I knew he was right – I was being extremely unprofessional – but I couldn’t help my curiosity.
After some time, he sighed again. ‘You really want to know, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I admitted shamefacedly.
He blew his cheeks out. ‘Fine, I’ll tell you.’ After a beat, he added, ‘But only if you promise that you won’t hold it against me.’
I locked eyes with him then, my whole body tingling with anticipation .
‘I won’t.’
Clenching his teeth, he gazed away and remained quiet for some time.
‘It’s because you’re the only one that I want,’ he finally said.
My breath caught. The shock brought my heart to a halt, and when it resumed beating, it hammered like never before. Rendered mute, I tried to swallow, but my throat was aching so terribly that it did little to ease the pain.
After all this time, I struggled to fathom that he remained devoted to me.
He looked back, his eyes glimmering with a dream unrealised. ‘I am open to something more only with you.’
I couldn’t find the words to say. I was completely stunned.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said then, and his tone was filled with remorse.
‘F-for what?’
‘For telling you this.’ He grimaced. ‘For making you believe I was with someone else. For making you believe I did to her what I would only do to you.’
It felt like my chest was about to explode with a million butterflies. Utterly dazed, I said, ‘You’re not mine, Will.’
‘But I am,’ he said resolutely. ‘Even if you don’t want me.’
Disbelieving of what he had just said, I started to tremble. Intense heat engulfed my cheeks, and when he saw it, a faint smile claimed his mouth, but there was sadness in it – wistfulness. His eyes wandered across my face, studying the pinkness. After a while, his smile transitioned into the crooked version I often saw in my dreams.
I didn’t know how to react. The extremity of my feelings was drowning out every single one of my thoughts. All I knew was that I was desperate for some space. I needed time to process this.
Totally confused, I grabbed my bag and said, ‘I should go.’
He nodded vaguely and opened the door. ‘I want you to know that I won’t let this affect anything in terms of work.’
I approached him slowly, too overwhelmed to look at him.
Just as I was about to pass him, he said, ‘Hopefully you can just forget that we ever had this conversation.’
I looked up at him then, pausing. ‘Why would I ever want to?’
His eyes widened, and I heard him take a sharp breath. Staggered, he stared back at me.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Will.’
He didn’t reply .
As I walked away, everything seemed bizarre. My body felt like a gooey mess, all because of his romantic declarations. Had he truly meant it? He hadn’t moved on?
Feeling his gaze on my back, I glanced over my shoulder, and my heart contracted at the sight. He was staring at me as if I were the dawn when all he had ever known was the dark of night.