38. Chapter 38
Chapter 38
Maci
M y Jeep clicks and creaks as the engine cools after I park in front of Nana’s. It should be quiet with the cab doors still closed, but everything seems so loud.
I’m forcing myself to move forward. I’ve only managed to get so far as the gravel drive. I’m not even parked as close as usual. Instead, I study the front of the house, even though the real evil happened in the backyard.
There’s a rut near the house where the gravel and dirt underneath are displaced, like something was dragged along the area. What could have caused that?
In an effort to get moving, I kick open my door. A cool breeze sweeps into the cab, but I don’t get out. I know nothing bad lurks here, but my skin still crawls. It’s maddening.
I pull my phone from my back pocket.
Me:
911
Immediately, bubbles appear from both of my friends.
Leah:
Say less.
Izzy:
Where are you?
Me:
Nana’s
Izzy:
OMW
Leah:
Same
I’m leaning on the front of the Jeep when my friends arrive one right after the other like it was synchronized.
“What’s going on?” Izzy asks, jumping out of her Armada.
I swing an arm at the house. “I came over to get some planning done. But I can’t bring myself to go in.”
Without speaking, my friends approach from either side and each wraps an arm around my back. It’s a different kind of comfort than what Sutton offers, but it’s just as welcome.
“Nothing bad happened inside.” Leah lays her head on my shoulder.
I tilt mine over to rest on hers. “I know.”
“What are you working on today?” Izzy’s voice is soft.
“When Liv and Randi were here with me, we went through the rooms and decided what was happening to all of the furniture and belongings. I was going to start organizing things.”
Izzy snorts, pulling my attention from the front door. “Sutton doesn’t know you’re here, does he?” I don’t miss her accusatory tone.
“He’s not my keeper,” I grumble. “And I’m perfectly healed.”
Leah snickers, lifting her head. “So that’s a no.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Why did I call you two?”
“Because you looove us,” Leah coos, then grins and kisses me on the cheek.
I shove her shoulder playfully. “If you’re going to annoy me, I’m going to put you to work.”
“Fair,” Izzy says at the same time Leah says, “Let’s go,” and pretends to turn for her Acura. We all burst into laughter and the tension of the moment is broken.
“Thank you for coming.”
“You don’t even have to ask. Now, let’s get this show on the road.” Izzy rubs my back and then heads up the stairs.
“Actually,” I shuffle on my feet, “I think I want to start in the backyard.”
She turns and presses her lips together to hide her surprise. “Ok, honey.”
The three of us make our way around the house and descend the gentle slope. It’s cast in early afternoon shadows by the trees and house. Every muscle in me is taut, and my jaw hurts from clenching. I work to shake out my tight fists.
Izzy, Leah, and I are about ten feet from the fire pit when I stop walking. My friends silently press their bodies shoulder to shoulder with me.
“It’s the first time I’ve been here since I…since I killed Colt.”
Izzy tries to hide her intake of breath, but I don’t miss it. Saying out loud to my best friends that I took someone’s life is almost shameful. My eyes burn, and no amount of blinking will clear the tears.
How do I put into words that the memories are not the only thing in my mind to haunt me? That I know I’m different than I was before Colt showed up that night. Different than I would have been if he’d backed off, listened to me, turned and gone. “I’m not the same.”
“We all change.” Izzy is quick to quiet my nerves, but this time she can’t. Acknowledging the change in me is how I have to move forward.
For weeks, I’ve been hoping that one day I won’t wake up and hate the choice I had to make. But I did make it. And I’m glad, because I want to be here. I want this life with these people. So I have to start being honest about the decision I made to keep building that life, to become Maci 2.0. And I have to get everyone around me to that place, too.
“Yes, we all change. But not this way.” My hands reach out on either side, finding theirs and winding my fingers with theirs. “I have to be honest about what happened, and you have to be honest about accepting it. About accepting me.”
I look between them, speaking slowly. “I am not the same.”
Izzy’s eyes well and her nose reddens while Leah’s grip on my hand strengthens.
“No one is asking the hard questions. You’re all walking around me like I’m breakable. I’m not.”
Again, Izzy’s mouth opens to protest, and I cock my head to one side, quieting her. “Colt walked into this yard intent on killing me. No amount of talking was going to sway him, no matter how wrong he was. He wouldn’t see reason.” In some ways, this conversation mirrors one I had with Melissa not long after the incident. The difference isn’t in what happened or what I’m saying, so much as my conviction in it. There’s no break in my voice or stilted breaths to contend with. “I waited until I couldn’t, but when push came to shove, I chose my life over his. A part of me knew when he got here that only one of us was leaving in one piece.”
I squeeze their hands in three quick bursts.
“You should plant something where it happened.” Leah finally speaks.
Izzy and I both turn her way.
“Something that symbolizes the new you.” Her lips turn up gently. “Sure, you can create new memories, but the memory of what happened isn’t going away. So give it a physical symbol, something that shows the beauty of what’s left when the smoke clears.”
“Jesus, you’re so hot when you’re deep,” Izzy says, right before the three of us burst into laughter.
“You may be onto something,” I say, after I’ve composed myself.
“Ok, well, all that deep thinking made me hungry, so let’s get this show on the road and get something to eat.” Leah bounces her eyebrows at us.
Her attempt to diffuse our attention from the depth she hides doesn’t go unnoticed. “Yes ma’am.” I salute her. “We should be able to knock it out fairly quickly.”
The three of us make our way back to the front of the house.
“You’re going to let us do all the lifting, right?” Izzy says as I unlock the front door.
“Yep.” My response is too quick, and Leah snorts.
As predicted, it takes us little time to box up the items that are going to be leaving. We move the awful chair from the loft into the living room for easier pickup, along with a few boxes of decor. The majority of the kitchen items are going to stay on for the bed and breakfast, but I box up a few pieces that I want to keep personally.
My phone rings just before we get into the keepsake items. I answer without checking the caller ID.
“This is Maci.”
“Hello, my sweet niece. What are you doing?” Randi’s happy voice greets me unexpectedly.
“Hi! Actually, Leah, Izzy and I are at Nana’s, organizing some things for pickup.”
“Oh. Yeah, we don’t have long now, and that should all be done,” she says as an afterthought.
“I wasn’t going to get into Nana’s room without you and Liv. The last thing I planned to do today was move some of the personal items out of the guest rooms. Maybe into the garage for now? We need to go through them, but I don’t know when we’ll be ready, and I don’t want them to be messed with by anyone coming through here.”
Izzy and Leah stand in the foyer, waiting for direction from me.
“Oh, honey, don’t worry about that today,” Randi says. “We can do that with you, too. Even if we aren’t ready to go through them in detail, no one is going to be in there for weeks. You don’t have to do it all.”
I exhale a heavy breath. “You’re right. We should do it together.”
“Yes. Now for the reason for my call. This whole time I assumed you were probably going to be with Sutton’s family for Thanksgiving. You are, right? Because all of a sudden, I thought maybe you were going to be alone or something and then worried I should’ve invited you to spend the day with me and Liv.” She spills all the words out as quickly as she can, not giving me a chance to respond until she’s taken a huge breath.
“Yes, I’m going to be with Sutton. In fact, you and Liv are welcome to stop by. Andi has planned to feed the entire city of Bull Creek, so there will be way more than we can eat. Plus, Izzy and Leah are coming by at some point, and my dad might even come by.”
“Your—” Randi’s surprise is loud, even though her voice isn’t. “You’re calling him ‘Dad’?”
My cheeks heat and I’m glad that she can’t see me, even though Leah and Izzy’s eyes are still glued to me. “No, I’m not calling him ‘Dad,’ I was just referencing him that way. He is my dad. But no, I’m not ready for that just yet.”
Her relieved breath comes through the line. Then she says, “Ok, well, we’ll try to stop by. Are you sure it won’t be awkward? I haven’t seen James in over twenty years.”
“You mean more awkward than your dad showing up on your late grandmother’s porch unannounced and unexpected, to let you know that he is your father and has ties to criminal activity—however loose they may be—and that your mom stole you away in the night?” My own words come out in one long breath.
“Jeez, trauma dump,” Leah mutters. Izzy elbows her despite her own grin.
“Well, when you put it that way.” Randi lets out a nervous laugh. “Ok. We’ll come by.”
“Perfect. I love you. I’ll see you soon.”
“Love you, too, sweetheart.”
Randi hangs up and I turn to my friends. “I guess we’re done for the day. Thanks for helping. And for letting me trauma dump.” I grin widely at Leah, who waves a hand at me in a faux exaggerated dismissive gesture.
I flip off the living room light. Izzy opens the front door, and they make their way onto the front porch as I follow and close up.
“I can do one better than that.” Leah wags her phone at me as I turn. The screen is black, so I’m not sure what she’s talking about.
“You’re giving her your phone?” Izzy purses her lips.
“Nope. I found your phoenix tree.” Leah directs her response to me.
“My…” My brows scrunch firmly together. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She lifts her chin haughtily and flips her wild, dark hair off one shoulder. “Royal Poinciana, or the Flame Tree. I found where to get one here in town. It’s perfect for symbolizing your transformation. Look.” She passes the phone in front of her face to unlock it and hands it to me.
An image of a tree with bold red flowers fills the screen. It’s reminiscent of a crape myrtle, but the flowers sprout off in long limbs of nearly two feet, drawing you in to its vibrant blooms. It has quite an impact.
“It’s lovely,” I say, handing the phone to Izzy. “I’ll think about it.”
Leah reaches her arms to me as mine come to her and we hug each other tightly. A moment later, one of Izzy’s arms wraps around my back as she hugs us in an outer layer.
“You two are the absolute best. I love you so much.”
“Ok, but last time you said that near this porch, bad things happened after, so…” Leah pushes back and creates an X with her two pointer fingers.
“Your timing can be so damn awful,” Izzy says, cackling.
I can’t help but laugh either. Ill-timed or not, I have to go on living my life. I won’t be sorry for being here and for choosing me.