Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
TUCKER
The slam of my truck door behind me was like a gunshot, and the silence that followed was just as heartbreaking.
I tossed my hat into my passenger seat and buried my face into my hands, leaning back against the seat for the only source of support I’d find in this lonely void.
Behind my eyelids, all the memories linked with the woodsy, citrus smell of Raleigh’s cologne played like a movie intent on ripping my heart out—every single one in stark clarity.
The night we’d been introduced at an old country bar, where his smile had stolen my heart to the sound of a twangy Kenny Rogers song playing on the jukebox.
Our first date, when he’d taken me on a picnic and laid beside me, pointing out shapes in the clouds while our fingers had slowly woven together between us.
The first time he’d kissed me, quiet and reverent, in the cab of his truck as a random summer storm raged outside.
When he’d held me and whispered soft words into my hair as I’d cried over burying a foal I’d failed to save.
The moment he’d gotten down on one knee, hands shaking but voice steady, and asked me to marry him because he couldn’t picture a future that didn’t include me right there by his side.
He’d been my everything—my heart, my soul, my every breath from the second those slate blue eyes had first landed on me. I’d been his before he’d ever asked, and I would continue to be till every atom of my existence left this plane.
But that was the problem.
I was here, and he wasn’t.
Pulling my hands away from my face, I wrenched the gear stick into reverse and pulled away from the barn with my vision still blurring from unshed tears. I needed to be anywhere but here. Anywhere but standing beside a man who smiled like the sun and smelled like a ghost.
A cacophony of emotions swirled inside me, and I had no idea where I was driving until I pulled up to the cabin.
I took the back steps two at a time, throwing the door open, and stalked into the bedroom.
The twister inside my chest was wreaking havoc, and it tore right through me when my eyes landed on a familiar amber-and-beige bottle sitting untouched on our dresser.
A layer of dust sat over the lid and rounded edges of the glass, the particles dancing on the morning light that streamed in through the open curtains as I snatched it from its spot.
Hell-bent and determined, I stormed back into the kitchen and ripped open the lid of the trash can, cocking my arm back to shatter my heart in its depths.
Anger, sorrow, and remorse all stood around me, looming as the phantoms haunting my life. They all screamed as my hand came down, pleading and begging for me to reconsider. But when the sound of breaking glass and the overwhelming scent of my dead husband never came, I realized it was me screaming.
I screamed and screamed. Until I couldn’t stand anymore. Until my throat was raw and sore. Until every ounce of feeling floated out of me like dust on sunshine.
And then I screamed some more while I clutched the bottle to my chest.
I had no idea how long it had been once I finally settled, but I managed to scrape myself off my kitchen floor. Everything hurt with an ache that was so much more than physical as I dragged my useless body back to the bedroom to deposit the little glass container back in its spot.
My eyes landed on the bed. Exhaustion licked through every fiber within me, and all I wanted to do was bury myself under the covers so I could cease to exist for a while.
But I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and even if I could, after my emotional whirlwind, I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Raleigh in my dreams.
No, with my luck, it would be the pained expression in a pair of green-brown eyes.
There was only one place I was going to find any comfort after being stripped so bare.
It probably wasn’t advisable to drive when I was walking around in such a fog, but this wasn’t the first time I’d ridden this wave in the past three years, and it wouldn’t be my last. The trees and sprawling pastures passed in a blur as I made my way back to the main barn, and I only had a fleeting thought that I was thankful it still appeared to be empty as I slunk into Poe’s stall.
He was dressed in his ratty, deep blue blanket in preparation for getting turned out to graze with his ladies.
I took a moment to admire how the color looked so good against his black coloring.
Raleigh had been right, again. My fingers ran over a tear in the fabric, and I made a note to get it fixed when the weather got a little warmer.
It was a good thing he hadn’t been turned out just yet, but even if he had, I would have brought him back in. Just for ten minutes. Only long enough for me to be pulled back from the brink.
Poe gave a soft nicker that made him sound like he smoked ten packs a day, and I buried my face against the soft hairs of his neck.
He was musky, earthy, and a little sweet like his peppermints, and I took in a large lungful of the scent, trying to drive away the one that lingered in the back of my mind.
My head was still in a cloud, but more than that, I felt hollow.
Like I really had screamed away every emotion in my body.
Some days that was exactly where I wanted to be—empty and unfeeling.
But it also made everything else muted as if I were trapped in a bubble where nothing could reach me. Even the happier things.
After a few minutes of me standing there, holding onto the horse like the lifeline he was, Poe began to root against the pocket of my jacket, clearly searching for payment for his services.
“Hold on, bub.” I sighed. “I’ll go get some.”
Stepping out of his stall, I went to the tack room and grabbed a handful of the soft peppermints plus a few molasses cookies. Maybe spoiling Poe would help bring back some sensation so I wasn’t a walking shell for the rest of the day.
Granger and Tallie were both able to tell when I was in one of those funks, and given I’d lost my shit in front of Granger earlier, I wouldn’t be able to brush off the conversation of seeing a grief counselor or shrink like I normally could.
Fuck, I wouldn’t put it past him to have already made an appointment for me.
I was just stepping out of the tack room when the last two people I wanted to see came around the corner.
Granger was going over the different types of feeds we used for the broodmares because of their increased needs until the foal was weaned.
Both he and Jackson stopped, and the kicked puppy expression Jackson wore dug its rusty hooks into my heart.
“You missed chili,” Granger stated, the accusation clear in his voice as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“I’ll give Tallie my excuses at dinner.” I gave Granger a weary look, hoping it would be enough to end this discussion. Food was the last thing on my mind. It would all just taste like ash right now, anyway.
His features softened marginally, but he shook his head. “Tallie might let you off, but I won’t. What was that earlier?”
“Let it go, Grange,” I tried, my delivery withering and almost pleading.
“Absolutely not. You acted like a complete jackass to Jackson.”
My eyes slid to the man in question, who still looked like he was bracing himself to have his head chewed off at any second. Something uncomfortable swirled in the pit of my stomach at that. I ran my hand over my forehead, trying to rub away the headache I could feel forming.
“Can we do this another time?” I asked even though I knew Granger wouldn’t let me walk away that easily.
“Sure,” he stated, shocking me, but as I glanced up at him, he was still stony faced with his arms crossed over his chest. “You can do it whenever you want, because you’re going to be training Jackson again, like you’re supposed to be.
And there will be hell to pay if you don’t apologize by the end of the day. ”
I felt like I was getting scolded by a parent, but I couldn’t even muster the energy to fight or get upset over it.
Every limb in my body felt like they weighed a thousand pounds, and I would have begged for sleep if I thought I wouldn’t be tortured to the brink of death just to be dragged back to life.
“If it’s all the same, I’d rather stick with you, Granger,” Jackson spoke up as he looked at him, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket as he shivered with the cold. He needed a better jacket. But when what he said finally registered, it rankled.
“No, you won’t.”
The words were out of my mouth the moment I thought them. Jackson startled, but Granger looked smug as hell. I spared him only a momentary glance before finally looking my new employee in the eyes.
He looked so young and unsure, which only made me feel like more of a dick for how I’d treated him previously
“Granger is right. I was an asshole to you earlier, and I’m sorry for it. It was a horrible first impression, but if you’d be willing to give me another chance, I’d appreciate being able to show you I’m a better man than the one you saw before.”
For a second, the three of us stood there, the cold air billowing through the barn until Jackson shuffled awkwardly and let out a muted chuckle.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been apologized to so sincerely before.
I think I’m blushin’,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, and I pointedly ignored the flush in his cheeks.
Granger let out a short bark of laughter before smacking his arm. They obviously had hit it off in the time they’d been together, but the small flare of… something in my gut at the way Jackson grinned back at him was completely unwelcome.
“Well, since we’re all sorted here”—Granger sniffed as he caught my eye, and I grunted—“I’m going to go help Weston fix an issue with the fence in the eastern pasture. I’ll see y’all at dinner.”
“Sure, see ya.” Jackson waved as Granger headed out as though it was his blessing he’d needed to leave. But, then again, it kind of was.
Silence hung thick in the frozen air between us when Jackson turned back toward me. I cleared my throat, feeling so unsure of myself.
“Come meet Poe,” I finally managed to say, tilting my head toward the horse’s stall.
Jackson’s brows came together, but he nodded.
I’d been expecting to hear Poe knocking for his treats, demanding payment for the cuddling session he’d provided, but he let out a gentle whinny at the new face when we walked up.
“Fucking attention whore,” I grumbled, holding my hand out flat for him to take a peppermint. Poe nodded his head, showing his excitement for the treat, but I chose to believe he was agreeing with me.
“Wow, he’s gorgeous,” Jackson breathed, reaching his hand out for Poe to smell before running it up the white marking on his face.
“Don’t tell him that. It’ll go to his head,” I joked, softly smiling at the way Poe snorted in retaliation.
“He can’t be one of the breeding stallions if he’s in this barn. So… he’s a gelding?” Jackson continued to pet and scratch all over Poe’s face and neck.
“He’s a companion horse. He has quite a few mares he’s bonded with,” I confirmed.
“Such a shame to geld a horse this beautiful. Why’d y’all do it?”
“We didn’t.” I offered Jackson a peppermint, which he quickly presented on a flat palm for the glutton in the stall. “He was already gelded when we purchased him. Poe isn’t a runner, so his previous facility made the decision.”
Poe nudged at Jackson’s hand, looking for another treat, and he spread his fingers wide. “No more, buddy.” Jackson chuckled at the horse’s disgruntled trill, and I handed him one of the molasses cookies. “Oh, holding out on us?” He raised an eyebrow, and I scoffed with a good-natured eye roll.
“This horse will eat you out of house and home, if you let him. You’re already falling for his trap. Pretty soon, he’ll have you wrapped around his little finger.”
“At least I’ll be in good company.” He pointedly looked at my pocket as I slipped him the last molasses cookie, and I couldn’t stop the short huff of laughter I let out.
“He definitely has my number,” I admitted, patting my old friend on his cheek.
Jackson smiled softly, and when the silence stretched between us, I finally let out a small sigh. “We need to turn him out to graze.”
“Right. I can take him out.” He quickly unclipped Poe’s halter and stepped inside the stall to slip it around his muzzle and throat.
When it was secure and the lead rope was attached, I pulled the door open wider.
Leading them through the barn, Jackson and I walked in silence as Poe lazily trailed us before we made it out to where his ladies were already plowing through the grass in the pasture.
The closer we got though, the more he began to perk up, his head high and ears forward as he realized where we were going. When we reached the gate, one of the mares lifted her head from grazing and whinnied in greeting. The moment the halter was off, Poe trotted over to rejoin his girls.
“He’s popular,” Jackson observed with a smile on his lips.
“He is.”
If Jackson hadn’t moved, I would’ve been able to stay suspended in that moment forever, just watching the black-and-blue blur of my horse moving across the pasture.
But as he turned to clip the halter to the gate, the wind wafted a familiar scent my direction, and I closed my eyes against the pain I knew was coming.
It was sharp and hit me right in the chest, but I’d been prepared for it. Before I hadn’t been ready for the gut punch, but now I knew to expect it. It was a small mercy since I was able to hold that searing pain close till it faded to a dull ache.
“Jackson,” I started when I was able to speak, my voice sounding far sturdier than I felt. “I know this is an odd request, but I need you to not wear that cologne anymore.”
He glanced at me, brows pulled together. “My cologne?”
I nodded, taking in a shuddering breath. “My husband used to wear it. He died three years ago.”