Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
TUCKER
Ifinally reached the point of exhaustion from my insomnia that when I hit the pillow the night of Jackson’s arrival, I fell into a dreamless sleep.
It was the abyss of nothingness that I sometimes needed, but I still woke before the sun with blood on the sheets from the hole inside me.
Raleigh’s face hadn’t been the first thing I saw after opening my eyes, sleep crumpled and cradled perfectly on the pillow beside me, and it hadn’t been in my dreams either.
The darkness of my own mind had been all I’d seen, so Nighttime laughed, her cackles ringing in my ears as I slowly rose.
It followed me as I went through the motions of showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed for the day.
Like an earworm I couldn’t rid myself of, her incessant laughter stayed perched in my mind as I made my coffee, poured it into a thermos, and then drove to the main farmhouse.
It didn’t stop until I walked into the kitchen, intent on helping Tallie cook as I always did when I was up this early, and came face-to-face with a pair of blurry, bloodshot green-brown eyes.
“Mornin’,” Jackson drawled, sipping at a steaming mug of coffee as he leaned back against the kitchen island.
“What are you doing up this early?” I asked, glancing around the kitchen. “Where’s Tallie?”
The cook had practically been a second mother to me growing up, and sometimes I still found myself turning to her for the sagely advice only a mom could offer.
Other times, she’d settle me up with a bowl of something warm and a little sweet as her source of comfort.
Either way, I could do with a little bit of some Tallie lovin’, but she was notably missing from her domain this morning.
I checked my watch, just to be sure I hadn’t misread the time and stumbled in during the middle of the night.
“She said she was going to get eggs from the chickens. Did y’all have chickens? I don’t remember seeing any on our tour,” Jackson responded, rubbing at one of his eyes with a wide yawn. He clearly hadn’t gotten enough sleep.
“They’re Tallie’s chickens. She has a cabin on the property, and she keeps them in a coop nearby,” I said absently. “That doesn’t explain what you’re doing here so early.”
“Weston snores like a fucking freight train,” he grumbled around another sip of his coffee, but then he sighed. “I figured if I’m not sleeping, I might as well be working, and the only one up this early working would be Tallie, so here I am.”
Jackson gave me a pointed look over his coffee mug. “What are you doing here this early?”
For a moment, I considered telling him how sadistic Nighttime was to me, but how I craved her sweet torture, nevertheless.
How she made my dreams the worst and best place to be because they were the only times I could see Raleigh without reliving the moment my soul ripped to shreds.
That was until I woke up. I contemplated telling him how avoiding sleep was the only way I’d learned to cope because the dark chasm of my mind was no better than the scripted reels that starred Raleigh or the very real memories replayed back to me just to twist the knife deeper.
Nighttime had turned him into a demon to plague me because she knew I’d never be able to exorcise myself of him.
But that was more complicated than a farmhand on his real first day of work needed to know.
I shrugged a shoulder. “I’m an early riser.”
Jackson gave a short huff of laughter. “I find it hard to believe you’re actively choosing to be awake at this time.”
Instead of saying more, I brought my thermos of coffee to my lips and took a long sip. He raised an eyebrow, but the sound of the mudroom door slamming had him glancing over his shoulder to greet Tallie as she came back in from the frigid predawn air.
“Good thing we ain’t feedin’ everyone off my girls ’cause they—” Tallie’s words cut off as she rounded into the kitchen and spotted me.
For a split second, I thought I saw a flash of something almost crestfallen in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by resigned acceptance that I was once again slinking in from the dark.
At least I’d slept some this time, even if I maybe didn’t look it.
She let out a slow sigh before walking over to the sink and dug out the eggs from the basket she carried to begin washing them off.
“Jackson, if you’re awake enough, gimme a bowl so I can start scramblin’ these.
Tuck, hon, there’s a carton in the fridge.
My girls only laid six this mornin’. While you’re in there, grab the bacon, milk, and butter. ”
Jackson glanced back at me, and I tilted my head toward a cabinet near his left leg where all the large mixing bowls were kept.
He gave me a sleepy smile as I passed to get the items Tallie requested from the refrigerator, and I worked my jaw against the rumbling in my chest at the sight of it. He was nothing like Raleigh.
Tallie put Jackson to work cracking both sets of eggs into the bowl as she heated up the griddle and a pan. We both moved around seamlessly, following Tallie’s direction as we prepared the meal for the incoming hoard of hungry hands and farm occupants.
“Seems like a waste to be mixing in fresh eggs with store bought ones,” Jackson murmured as he watched Tallie flick her wrist with practiced precision.
“This way none of y’all can groan about not getting some of the fresh ones. They’re mixed in. And there’s no fussin’ over getting their eggs done a certain way. It's all scrambled,” she responded. “How’s that bacon coming, Tuck?”
I flipped a few slices on the griddle, the smell of cooking pork and grease making my mouth water. “Coming along.”
“You ain’t killing them, are ya?” She gave me a skeptical side-eye, leaning around my stocky frame to glance at the cooking strips. “If you ruin the bacon, you’re going to have some right ornery men on your hands.”
“It’s already dead,” I responded, pressing a particularly fatty piece into the griddle with the ends of my tongs. The pop and sizzle almost drowned out the low sound of distress that came from behind me, but I turned around, only to find Jackson’s distraught expression.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, working to plate the few strips that were ready.
His eyes glanced toward the meat and then back to my face, another strangled sound leaving his throat. “You’re ruining the bacon.”
“I’m making sure no one gets sick,” I clarified.
“They don’t need to be stiff boards to keep people from getting sick. Those aren’t even edible,” Jackson nearly whined, gesturing toward the plate.
“They are too!” I said a little defensively, somewhat troubled that he didn’t believe I could properly cook something as simple as bacon.
Sure, I wasn’t on Tallie’s level of kitchen mastery, but my many early mornings with her had taught me a few things.
Just to prove that point, I picked up a slice of bacon and bit into it.
There was a satisfying crunch, and saltiness exploded on my tongue.
“See? Perfect bacon.”
“More like dry cardboard.” Jackson winced and made to grab the tongs out of my hands. “I can’t let you ruin the rest of them.”
I lifted my hand up and out of the way of his reach, careful not to turn my body toward the stove, and shook my head. “As foreman, I can’t have my men getting food poisoning because the new guy wants raw bacon.”
“I want normal bacon!” Jackson protested, pressing against me to stretch for the tongs.
I shuffled back more, finding myself getting pushed against the island in his effort to reach the utensil.
Every muscle inside me stiffened, expecting to be overwhelmed by the sandalwood and bergamot that hadn’t haunted me so viciously till this man arrived.
But instead, there was nothing except maybe the sterile undertones of tea tree and soap.
The realization struck me still, and a clamp around my heart squeezed with a near painful grip for all new reasons.
My lack of movement caused Jackson to snag the cooking utensil from my hand, and he let out a victorious chuckle, fully unaware of the shift he’d forced inside me as he righted himself.
“Your cologne…” The words were ragged, barely a whisper that could be heard over the continued sounds of the meat cooking.
Jackson blinked a few times, the dimple he’d sported from his triumph sliding away from his face. “Raleigh’s? I’m not wearing it, just like you asked.” His eyes bounced over my face that should have been a mask of indifference, but I knew he could see the cracks.
He lifted his jacket to his nose, testing it for a scent he no longer claimed as his own, while I fought back the sob lodged in my throat. My heart was a tangled mess—the beats I once thought were for the only man I’d ever loved feeling foreign to me now as my wound spilled just a little more.
Grief was so complicated. He’d done exactly what I asked, and that should have made me relieved. I wouldn’t be working alongside someone who smelled like every bittersweet memory I had of my husband. So why did it feel like I’d lost another small piece of him?
“Is it still on me?” he asked, lifting pitiful hazel hues in my direction. “I swear, I showered last night as soon as I got into the bunkhouse, and I didn’t put any on today.”
I shook my head, forcing the lump of emotion back down into the pit of my stomach. “No. It’s gone.” The burning in my throat wouldn’t subside, and I cleared it, hoping to not give away this conflicting swell inside me.
Those eyes so much like one of the old oaks that dotted our land softened around the corners, and his lips tilted into a gentle, knowing smile. It was only half as good with the dimple missing.
When he nodded and snipped the tongs together before motioning toward the stove, it was only then that I remembered how we’d even gotten ourselves into this position.
“I swear, I will have you working in the back pastures for a week fixing fences if anyone gets sick.” I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to inject some authority into my still wavering voice.
“Jokes on you, because as I see it, you’ll have to be out there with me making sure I’m doing it right.”
At the eyebrow raise I gave him, he shrugged, and that damn dent in his cheek came out. “It’s my first day.”
I let out a long breath, feeling the corners of my mouth ticking up at his bratty attitude. When we both turned back to resume cooking, Tallie was just finishing plating the last bits of the bacon, and the skillet of eggs on the burner beside the griddle looked fluffy and ready to eat.
“Oh.” She gave a faux startle as she glanced toward us. “Y’all done now? Mind settin’ the table since neither one o’ y’all are actually cookin’?”
Heat flooded my neck and into my cheeks, and I tipped my hat low to hide the tint I knew was surely living on my skin. “Yes’m.”
“Don’t ma’am me, Tucker.” Tallie placed her hands on her hips, but her eyes were sparkling with a light I hadn’t seen in a while as she glanced between the two of us. “Go set the table. Folks’ll be wanderin’ in soon for coffee.”
Sure enough, as Jackson and I were pulling out enough plates and silverware for everyone, Dillon came staggering in looking like he was dead on his feet.
Hot on his heels was Granger, perky and bright-eyed as usual.
The two were the antithesis of the other first thing in the mornings, and it never failed to tickle me just a little.
Once Dillon got his coffee, though, they’d be two regular peas in a pod again.
My closest friend made eye contact with me before swinging his gaze to the sandy blond beside me.
“Up early for your first real day? Trying to win some points with the boss?” Granger teased, coming over to Jackson to cuff his shoulder.
“No one warned me Weston snores like a son of a bitch.” Jackson huffed, turning his nose up at Granger’s affection like a miffed puppy.
“Weston snores,” Dillon said matter-of-factly around a sip of his coffee, eyes closed like he was waiting for the invigorating brew to finally kick start his brain.
“Little too late,” Jackson grumbled. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think y’all were hazing me, putting me in that room unprepared.”
Granger threw his head back in laughter just as Elliot and Lane made their way into the kitchen. “Don’t be like that. How’s this? If you do a real good job today, I’ll convince Tuck to take you into town to get some ear plugs later.”
He sent me a wink, and I rolled my eyes, because Jackson would be hard pressed to not do a “good job” when he was still technically training. As it was, though, I was already considering our day. Just to make sure there’d be time to head into town before it got too late.